This isn’t normal, is it? Partner doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

[Komboocha]

I feel really lonely living with my partner and I don’t think that our setup is ‘normal’, but he thinks I’m being silly and needy.

So in the evenings he prefers to do his own thing. If I ever ask to spend time together he complains and spends the whole evening looking bored and annoyed like it’s a chore that he has to do and he’d rather be gaming. I’m even happy to play games with him but he only plays a single player game and gets very snappy if anyone tries to talk to him when he’s on it.

He hates the idea of going to bed at the same time, he’d rather fall asleep alone or come up after I’ve gone to sleep because he hates being disturbed when he’s trying to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to go out anywhere together and thinks that he should have his friends and I should have my friends to go out with, no going out in groups or inviting a few friends over for drinks. Weekend mornings he just sits in bed staring at his phone and doesn’t acknowledge me at all.

We never actually spend ANY time together at all, apart from having sex a few times a week during the day. Weirdly though, he messages me CONSTANTLY. When we’re in different rooms we chat all day long over Facebook messenger. When we’re at work or I’m out somewhere he rings me several times a day to chat. It feels like a long distance relationship even though he lives in the same house, it’s so weird!

But he honestly thinks that I’m being needy and when I explain that I’m not happy and that it makes me feel lonely he says ‘we’re not teenagers, we don’t have to live in each others pockets you know’. He’s had one previous serious relationship and apparently this is exactly why they broke up - he said that she was bossy and demanding🙄

We’ve been together a few years now but only actually lived together for about 8 months. Before we moved in together he used to stay at mine most weekends then we’d just message and FaceTime the rest of the week so these issues are only just coming to light.

I’m struggling to get some perspective because I’m fairly young (mid twenties) and both my last relationships were the teenage type where you’re glued together 24/7. But surely most people watch some Tv in the evenings with their partner, have a cuddle in bed at night sometimes, eat meals together etc?

I’m honestly thinking about ending the relationship, which is a real shame because I adore this man when he actually bothers being present.

From what you've said I also wonder if he's ND. Possibly autistic as well as ADHD, being better at communicating indirectly via text, needing a lot of alone time after a busy day at work to decompress.
But whatever the reason if he isn't willing to discuss the possibility of change or compromise then don't stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
You need to tell him how lonely you feel, of course you both need time to yourself but you also need time together ,like pp suggested you could try becoming engrossed in a new hobby, being less available to answer messages and see if that makes him stop taking you for granted.
However it really shouldn't be like this, especially so early in a relationship. He may not be willing or capable of sharing his life in the way you need, if he isn't best move on sooner rather than later, it's hurtful and upsetting but don't waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy.

If its this bad at the start of your relationship it will only get worse. Leave. Now.

I don’t think he is the one for you and sadly I try ink he’ll struggle in adult relationships.

Get out now! While you are young and have many options ahead of you.
You sound totally incompatible.
Your needs are very normal and you deserve to have them met

It took me to decades to realise that whatever ‘my needs’ are, being held, valued, affection is not ‘needy’ or out of the ordinary, they are unique to me and should be respected.

I don’t need to ‘bend’ and change myself to ‘fit’ in with a man. We are either suited and have similar needs and expectations - or we are not. I can gently throw him back in the sea and choose something that better suits me.

You sound similar op.

The starting point has to be your initial assessment of a man and whether he fits in and meets your needs. Before all else.

Not that you have found a man and now need to find a way to please him and keep him. This is faulty and will lead you to being estranged from yourself and deeply unhappy.

Keep swimming solo it’s more fun and take your time to ensure the next man meets your stringent criteria and not the other way around.

You are not a part time sex toy. Get shot of him asap.

Being old and pragmatic OP, your twenties are a really good time to find someone wonderful (for you) to settle down with. (It's not compulsory! But it's a bonus, as you can be a team).
If someone's not right for you, it benefits neither of you to keep it going.
Yours, someone old enough to be your Mum, currently lazing about next to her own other half - we're planning a trip out to do some local sightseeing later this week.

Aw OP, I'd be so sad if one of my dds had this relationship. Fwiw I've been married for nearly 30 years and we watch telly and eat together every day and walk the dogs together every day, my dh is my best friend. I really hope you meet someone else who wants to spend time with you. Gaming is an absolute PITA.

Nothing will change, will probably get worse, you are living with a child

You need to find someone who makes you happy.

My husband and I spend very little time together when we're both busy day and night. But it suits us both.

At times I question it and wonder if I'm lonely and this might be a thing when the kids leave. But in general I'm happy getting on with my own thing.

The difference is that I have about the same need for company as him. When I do want company he is there though and doesn't moan.

For me it would be really hard to be with someone who wanted more company.

All relationships revolve around compromise. The fact that you have stated that you are unhappy and he dismisses your viewpoint entirely is the red flag.

We are all entitled to have our ‘little ways’, and if a couple love each other they look for ways to keep each other happy.

It's interesting that he says "you're not teenagers" because he seems to be acting like one. My 15yo DSS dumped his GF recently because she kept messaging him while he was gaming. Your BF seems to be on par with this.

Both my DH and I work. Generally he does his thing after work, games or goes to see friends and I do mine, usually go to the gym. But we always have dinner together and at 9/10pm we'll cuddle up on the couch to watch TV. We always go to bed together too. Weekend's, vary depending on what we have on, either we do our own thing or we spend the whole weekend together. We always make time for each other.

Your BF is right in that you don't have to be glued together but there has to be balance and your relationship doesn't have that. He's basically pleasing himself and not considering you at all. You're not being heard. Funny how he always manages to make time for sex though eh? Again, pleasing himself. I'm going to hazard a guess that the sex is one sided too.

He sounds like a selfish prick. You deserve better. Ditch him!

@Komboocha have to agree with other pp, your young and unhappy and it’s not normal behaviour. Go and enjoy your life

No, it's definitely not an 'all men are like this' situation.

None of the men I've been with have been like this. DH used to game a bit to de-stress from a very senior/demanding line of work but it was always treated as a hobby and he spent much more time with me than he ever did on his games. More importantly, he would always have listened to me, actually heard me, and responded to me with genuine thoughtfulness, had I said I was feeling lonely and could we spend some time together.

• I know this, even though I have never had to tell him that, because of how he listens to me, hears me and responds to me with genuine thoughtfulness in every respect.

You also are not being needy. You are expecting the very least you should from an equal, loving and genuinely affectionate relationship: for the needs/expectations of each party to be met as much as possible by the other, through genuinely caring about their wellbeing whilst also looking after one's own interests.

Do you cook, clean and take care of most life admin? Or does he share equally (and I mean EQUALLY, not just a bit here and there) in running the household? if not, well, you're really just an attention and sex appliance. And that's really not good enough.

Ah missed that bit in your last comment! Yes I think you're right, it's run its course.

This might be normal for some, but he needs to find a partner on the same wavelength as him when it comes to quality time. If you need more, that's not you being needy! I personally would hate this, I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we spend most of our time together outside of work (probably not 'normal' for most). We just enjoy each other's company and choose to live that way...If we want to go out and meet friends separately that's obviously fine..but we both say we prefer each other's company to anyone else's 🤣. If he games, I might potter round a bit/have a bath/sit and scroll next to him. I would hate separate bed times, meal times etc! X

Dear OP, I was you in my 20s. I’m now in my 40s married and stuck with an emotionally stunted, emotionally abusive arsehole. Don’t do what I did. Walk now while you can still make the life you want.

This sounds really weird. Has he got a screen addiction?

What is it about gaming? I'm sure there must be some men who do it and still manage to function properly in a relationship, but examples don't readily spring to mind.

My thoughts too.

You don't need this OP, believe me.

Ditch him and find someone lovely

He is deeply addicted to gaming, hence his moodiness around being interrupted, his inability to do anything else with his free time and willingness to allow it to destroy his relationships. Its no different to addiction to alcohol, drugs or gambling in that way. And only he can help himself with it, the first step being recognising he has a problem. Personally at your age, I would cut my losses and run. You cannot help people who will not help themselves.

Again, thanks so much to everyone who’s taken the time to comment. I was severely emotionally neglected as a child and though I’ve come a long way with therapy and getting past it all, I still struggle with completely new situations.

I wasn’t trying to normalise his behaviour in previous posts don’t worry😅 Just trying to explain that he’s not one of these horrid selfish men you hear about who just don’t care at all. A pp mentioned having shit emotional intelligence and he really, really does! He’s honestly a very nice guy, just terrible at relationships I guess.

I think leaving will be easy because I’ve been sitting on the fence about it for months now anyway, you’ve all just given me the confirmation I needed that it’s the right thing to do.

I was also emotionally neglected as a child and then in my teens/twenties dated men who were emotionally unavailable. I thought that was just how relationships were meant to be. Only now I am much older (forties) do I realise that either I subconsciously sought these men out, or I was some kind of beacon for them due to my childhood damage. I hope that you can break the cycle younger than me.

Once you address the childhood emotional neglect you will be more ready and open for healthy relationships. Would you consider going to chat to a therapist? It really helped me. Have been happily married for 11 years now to a man who is happy to talk about his feelings (I’ll be honest it took a few years of practice!)…….. we make and eat dinner together most evenings, watch TV together, play a game of cards, talk about our days, go to bed at the same time, enjoy each others company. We have our own friends and hobbies that we use about 25% of our free time on, but then 75% of our free time we spend together as a family.

I was in a relationship with a great guy for 3 years. He was and still is a good person BUT when it came our relationship he had no idea how to treat me as his partner. He had no idea what a relationship should look like. My needs were constantly unmet. I tried to teach him, show him, change him but in the end I had to end it because it was making me unhappy. I got tired of continuously reminding him what to do, how, what my needs were. It did not feel genuine when I had to ask for attention and affection. He was very aware of his limitations as a boyfriend but couldn't naturally get the grip of it. After the break up we tried a few times to work it out, him promising he learnt, changed and knows how to be a good partner to me but it only lasted couple weeks before it became the same old story. I was neglected. It took me couple of years to cut all ties purely because I knew what a good guy he was. Good guy does not equal good partner.