This isn’t normal, is it? Partner doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

[Komboocha]

I feel really lonely living with my partner and I don’t think that our setup is ‘normal’, but he thinks I’m being silly and needy.

So in the evenings he prefers to do his own thing. If I ever ask to spend time together he complains and spends the whole evening looking bored and annoyed like it’s a chore that he has to do and he’d rather be gaming. I’m even happy to play games with him but he only plays a single player game and gets very snappy if anyone tries to talk to him when he’s on it.

He hates the idea of going to bed at the same time, he’d rather fall asleep alone or come up after I’ve gone to sleep because he hates being disturbed when he’s trying to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to go out anywhere together and thinks that he should have his friends and I should have my friends to go out with, no going out in groups or inviting a few friends over for drinks. Weekend mornings he just sits in bed staring at his phone and doesn’t acknowledge me at all.

We never actually spend ANY time together at all, apart from having sex a few times a week during the day. Weirdly though, he messages me CONSTANTLY. When we’re in different rooms we chat all day long over Facebook messenger. When we’re at work or I’m out somewhere he rings me several times a day to chat. It feels like a long distance relationship even though he lives in the same house, it’s so weird!

But he honestly thinks that I’m being needy and when I explain that I’m not happy and that it makes me feel lonely he says ‘we’re not teenagers, we don’t have to live in each others pockets you know’. He’s had one previous serious relationship and apparently this is exactly why they broke up - he said that she was bossy and demanding🙄

We’ve been together a few years now but only actually lived together for about 8 months. Before we moved in together he used to stay at mine most weekends then we’d just message and FaceTime the rest of the week so these issues are only just coming to light.

I’m struggling to get some perspective because I’m fairly young (mid twenties) and both my last relationships were the teenage type where you’re glued together 24/7. But surely most people watch some Tv in the evenings with their partner, have a cuddle in bed at night sometimes, eat meals together etc?

I’m honestly thinking about ending the relationship, which is a real shame because I adore this man when he actually bothers being present.

I despise gamers. They are socially retarded life-avoiders.

Good post.

OP, this set up is not normal and sounds awful.

Get the hell away and as @Nixynic advises seek out support for you seeking comfort in what you know, which is emotional neglect.

Work on it now asap so that you give yourself the best chance to meet and recognise, a kind loving supportive partner, whom you definitely deserve.

Compulsive, endless gamers are not qualities you want in a long term relationship.

Some people game for relaxation but have a life apart from it.

Those that priortise it above everything else are to be avoided.

Sounds like it suits him to share the bills and chores, and get regular sex but he isn't bothered about you otherwise. When he's got time to go out and enjoy himself he will ... But not with you. I had a boyfriend like that at uni. We spent a lot of time in the house but not much of it together. He'd be shut in his room playing guitar etc. He'd go out but never with me. If I asked if we could go out together sometimes he'd say with surprise "but we see each other all the time, we don't need to go out together too".

By process of elimination, and looking over all the info you've provided, it sounds a bit like the only time you spend together is when having sex. Is that correct? Like he doesn't actually want to interact with you as a person at all, pay attention to you, listen to you talk about your day, things like that. He may think of living together as being an indicator that you have agreed to regular sex and he no longer needs to woo you into regular sex. You say he's a nice person but it sounds like he's just using you for sex and any attention he previously paid you before you lived together may have been only because he instinctively felt a need to pay attention to you to get regular sex.

He may not be conscious of this but his inability to pay you any attention other than during sex suggests that he doesn't really love you for you. He loves you for the fun you can provide him. When you're not fun, or something more fun (gaming, his phone, other friends) is available, he's unable to redirect his attention to you because he's too selfish to do so and also simply does not get anything out of (i.e. does not enjoy) being with you, the person.

Op I have ADHD and I would say its probably more common for an ADHD person to become very fixated on their partner as attention drifts to things they have high levels of interest in. Being brutal - your partner likes videogames more than you.

My ex was I like this and it got steadily worse over time, and I really do recommend leaving especially while you're so young. I was so unbelievably lonely I'm actually less lonely living alone! It's totally soul destroying and obliterating to your self esteem to have someone you love literally ignore you as if you are irrelevant.

Most of the time we spend in the same room together is sex, yeah. He’s got a really low sex drive and would happily have sex just once a month, mine’s a lot higher so we compromised on a couple of times a week. It’s taken a lot of work to get to this point but I was really unhappy and ready to leave so he’s put a lot of effort in there, I just have to remind him now and then once it starts dwindling again.

We spend time out of the house together occasionally but he’d really rather not, he grew up plonked in front of the tv all day everyday so he’s never had much desire to do things any differently. Before we lived together we didn’t see each other in person all that much because of Covid (I’m CEV) and him working a lot, but since we talked all day every day I didn’t notice anything off.

I haven’t spoken to him about things yet but I’m saving up and arranging to spend lots of time out with friends, there’s no tension at home so thankfully I don’t need to rush and leave myself in a crap situation. I’ve no idea how he’ll react but his parents own a nice rental flat that he can move into so I’m not worried about the practical side of things just yet.

I’ve just realised that I made it sound like he goes out with friends. He doesn’t, they often invite him or ask if they can come here but he declines or cancels the day before. Whenever I try to convince him to come out or for us to invite friends over is when he starts going on about having separate friends, but then as I said he doesn’t actually do anything with said friends.

It won’t be my problem for much longer, but I do very much hope that he gets his ADHD diagnosis and that the medication helps him to live a better life.

Oops I name changed for this post in case it was outing and it’s gone wrong😅 Sorry for any confusion!

Leave OP. I am in a similar situation, except that we have children and it has been a very slow withdrawal from our life together. It has been made worse by the amount of time my wife spends with her new BFF, our neighbour.
I have been increasingly lonely in our marriage alongside doing 90% of the cooking, cleaning and mental load, as well as earning 75% of our income.
My wife does have ADHD but for me that has very little to do with it, I was happy to do the lions share in order to free up her mind so she could enjoy time with me - but she chose not to.
Don’t be like me - I’m mid 40’s and single again with 2 children, who knows if I will find someone else but I will be more discerning next time.
Like you I have childhood trauma from emotional unavailability so I’m doing mindfulness and on the waiting list for counselling.
Good luck!

I was in a relationship with a man who was addicted to gaming. I felt so alone. Your boyfriend is an addict.

BTW - he’s messaging you during the day not because he loves and misses you but for the dopamine rush of when you respond. Basically, he texts you and when you text him back he gets a rush of dopamine. He also gets a rush of dopamine when he plays video games. He doesn’t get it when you two hang out - which is why he is bored.

Don’t look at this as a relationship dying with a good man - look at this as you looking after yourself and refusing to be with an addict - because that is what he is.

You need to start hanging out with other people and start valuing yourself. You do need to leave him.

That sounds like a good idea and you never know you may make some interesting male friends 🙈

I am going through the exact same things. He is the stepdad to my son, and my son's real dad is a total piece of work. It's so miserable not only being the primary bill payer, cook, housekeeper and parent, but to have a partner who just does not care on top of that. I'm getting my affairs in order and leaving him as soon as I can. It's not normal for a partner to be like that. Take it from me, I have done SO MUCH personal development and trying to be patient for the past 7 months, and gotten nothing. If someone truly values you and loves you, you won't have to force them to give you 30 minutes of their day, especially when you live together. I hope you've been able to find your peace.

You're in a house share with benefits

He may think it’s weird to want to spend time with your partner but of course it’s not. Maybe not every single evening and it’s healthy to have outside friends and interests but he’s way too far the other way. No wonder you’re lonely.

Zombie thread.

Are you in the UK? This sounds scarily EXACTLY like a relationship I was in abroad, right down to the parent’s nice rental flat and the low sex drive.

this is no way to live and you deserve much, much better. I’ve been there and it will chip away at your self esteem.

I'm looking forward to the list of things he does want to do with you. So far you only listed sex.

Not normal- i'm very introverted and love my own space but I still want to spend lots of time with my partner. We have our own friends but we also have nights out together. In the early days especially and pre-children it's normal to spend a lot of time with your partner.

While you make your plans, when he rings answer the phone - him: hey what about- you: I’m at work actually. Let’s just talk tonight, you can tell me then. Him: no I want to talk now. You: you need to not be so needy. I have time tonight.

he messages, you reply ‘we can talk tonight but I don’t want to message all afternoon. He messages again. You reply stop being so needy! I’m not replying to messages again this afternoon.
and ignore.

this is while you’re making plans to leave of course! What a jerk.

Ive been with my partner 11 years and I no how you feel honestly he said he dont see why people get married and he only ever wants sex with me and then says harsh stuff after he said today that only teenagers celebrate valentines day so get rid of him befor you become like me stuck with three children