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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn’t normal, is it? Partner doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

120 replies

Komboocha · 07/02/2023 22:22

I feel really lonely living with my partner and I don’t think that our setup is ‘normal’, but he thinks I’m being silly and needy.

So in the evenings he prefers to do his own thing. If I ever ask to spend time together he complains and spends the whole evening looking bored and annoyed like it’s a chore that he has to do and he’d rather be gaming. I’m even happy to play games with him but he only plays a single player game and gets very snappy if anyone tries to talk to him when he’s on it.

He hates the idea of going to bed at the same time, he’d rather fall asleep alone or come up after I’ve gone to sleep because he hates being disturbed when he’s trying to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to go out anywhere together and thinks that he should have his friends and I should have my friends to go out with, no going out in groups or inviting a few friends over for drinks. Weekend mornings he just sits in bed staring at his phone and doesn’t acknowledge me at all.

We never actually spend ANY time together at all, apart from having sex a few times a week during the day. Weirdly though, he messages me CONSTANTLY. When we’re in different rooms we chat all day long over Facebook messenger. When we’re at work or I’m out somewhere he rings me several times a day to chat. It feels like a long distance relationship even though he lives in the same house, it’s so weird!

But he honestly thinks that I’m being needy and when I explain that I’m not happy and that it makes me feel lonely he says ‘we’re not teenagers, we don’t have to live in each others pockets you know’. He’s had one previous serious relationship and apparently this is exactly why they broke up - he said that she was bossy and demanding🙄

We’ve been together a few years now but only actually lived together for about 8 months. Before we moved in together he used to stay at mine most weekends then we’d just message and FaceTime the rest of the week so these issues are only just coming to light.

I’m struggling to get some perspective because I’m fairly young (mid twenties) and both my last relationships were the teenage type where you’re glued together 24/7. But surely most people watch some Tv in the evenings with their partner, have a cuddle in bed at night sometimes, eat meals together etc?

I’m honestly thinking about ending the relationship, which is a real shame because I adore this man when he actually bothers being present.

OP posts:
An1ta · 07/02/2023 23:23

Only if u want to try and salvage the relationship/or reassure yourself that you're making the right decision I would try to stop all contact outside of home as from your post he only seems interested when you're physically not there. Other then that no I don't think this is normal. Your complaining is a clear sign this is not what u want from your man/relationship.

RiktheButler · 07/02/2023 23:26

Komboocha · 07/02/2023 22:51

Thanks all! I was expecting it to be a 50/50 response with some telling me that not every relationship has to be all lovey-dovey.

Since I’ve never had a ‘real’ relationship before and DP has been so insistent that all men act the way that he acts I am a bit worried that there’s no point bothering to date again. I’m happy enough on my own but obviously would love to settle down one day!

No, all men do not act this way. Dump him.

samqueens · 07/02/2023 23:38

Sorry OP 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Read Lundy Bancroft ‘Why Does He Do That?’
(download on kindle app and read discreetly)
💐💐

Original poster
Komboocha · 07/02/2023 23:44

Just to reiterate so that it’s not causing any confusion - the constant messaging is when we’re both at home in the evening and at weekends.

The conversations are lively, animated, fun, he’s definitely eager to speak to me. He often says that he’s not good at getting his words out so prefers to text, but for me that takes away all of the intimacy and companionship so then what’s the point of being in a relationship.

I have no idea what would happen if I just stopped replying to messages but I’m not going to bother trying it out - I think I’m ready to end it. At least I’ve learnt how to have fun by myself🤣

OP posts:
BritInAus · 07/02/2023 23:46

Sounds like you've made the right decision! All the best to you. A few weeks / months on you'll be so much happier.

An1ta · 07/02/2023 23:48

Good for you!! All the best 😀

samqueens · 08/02/2023 00:25

Good for you! 💪🏼💐

Johnisafckface · 08/02/2023 00:56

I’m far from needy and live my own space and having time to myself but even this wouldn’t be enough for me. What’s the point in being/living together if you don’t spend any time at all doing things together?? Seems like he’s just using you for sex on tap.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/02/2023 01:22

It doesn't matter what he says, or what the reason is. He's casual boyfriend material not live-in/marriage material. Constant messages mean nothing. He has a screen addiction. You're far too young to be flogging a dead horse. You have years ahead of you to find a decent man. Glad you've decided to get rid. You get 1 life and it's not for wasting on pointless situations such as this. If a man loves you, you won't have to beg him to spend time with you that's for sure.

Led9519 · 08/02/2023 01:28

What if you had a kid with this man, I imagine he’d be the same, not do any of the childcare and leave it all to you whilst he played his game and not see that that was a problem.
I hate gaming and my friends have become ‘gaming widows’ before ending things.
I’d be really interested in what he’d do if you stopped messaging him back he might actually come to find you in the house!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/02/2023 01:52

Rule no 1 - no texting each other when you're both in the house. Either you're together and you can talk, or you're not.

If you were to follow this - how much communication and together time would you have with him? Do you even have meals together?

barmycatmum · 08/02/2023 02:53

What’s not good for you isn’t good for you. You are lonely and you expressed that - him calling you “needy” is bullshit gaslighting, trying to get you to change.
your needs are valid. Some would be fine with this, avoidant attachment types would likely be ok, but it’s not for you, so listen to your own heart.

icefishing · 08/02/2023 03:09

DeeCeeCherry · 08/02/2023 01:22

It doesn't matter what he says, or what the reason is. He's casual boyfriend material not live-in/marriage material. Constant messages mean nothing. He has a screen addiction. You're far too young to be flogging a dead horse. You have years ahead of you to find a decent man. Glad you've decided to get rid. You get 1 life and it's not for wasting on pointless situations such as this. If a man loves you, you won't have to beg him to spend time with you that's for sure.

This is a good summary

Liorae · 08/02/2023 03:13

Don't have kids with a gamer. Dump and find an adult that is your equal.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/02/2023 03:23

Youpillock · 07/02/2023 22:35

Please don't waste your precious youth on an emotionally unavailable man. You should be happy, excited about the future, enjoying spending time together, not agonising about his behaviour. He obviously isn't going to change, so you must decide whether what he's offering is enough for you. Stop asking him to change. You're wasting your breath. Just make your own decision based on who he is now. Ps, the right answer is to leave him to his gaming and start again by yourself. Best foot forward!!

Take a his advice. You only live once and it flies by. Don't waste it on him.

Monty27 · 08/02/2023 03:40

Send him back to his own bedroom wherever that was.

deeperthanallroses · 08/02/2023 03:45

So if you stopped messaging him back what would be left of the relationship?? Not much, and thats while you live in the same house! Stop messaging him (if he complains tell him to stop being so needy- if you can’t ask him to spend time with you he can’t ask you to reply to messages) and work out how to move back out.

MagnoliaMix · 08/02/2023 04:52

Oh OP. Why would you accept this as a way of living together? I hear low self esteem in your post. Please know you are worth better, and leave this man.

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 05:08

He sounds addicted to screens and video games. It seems a lot people are. It’s like having everything on screens 24/7 has changed people’s personalities and habits. I scroll constantly, my husband does same, my teenage son seems glued to his phone.

Before you give up on him, see if you can get him to take a screen sabbatical and see what happens. They’ll be ‘withdrawal’ I’m sure but I wonder if it just might help. Just a thought because I’ve been thinking lately about this because it’s changed our family’s habits for sure.

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 05:10

It could also explain why he’s conducting his relationship with you via the screen.

JuneOsborne · 08/02/2023 05:11

It isn't normal. You're not being silly and needy.

He's being immature and a shit.

There is more to life than this

Outtasteamandluck · 08/02/2023 05:19

Stop having sex with him.

Let's see who's needy then.

Sally2791 · 08/02/2023 05:20

Definitely not how most men behave, so don’t believe that nonsense from him. He’s happy to use you to meet his needs and totally disregards yours. You aren’t compatible! Don’t waste your time trying to work him out, just move on and find someone to actually share your life with.

Mumskisail · 08/02/2023 05:47

Definitely not a keeper. It's hard but you need to move on.

BritInAus · 08/02/2023 05:57

Sorry, I think this is not worth it. If you're married with kid(s) and all just scrolling a bit, and want to cut down, sure.

but this 'relationship' the OP describes sees the couple never even eat dinner or go to bed together. They never do anything at all together, except sex a couple of times a week.

theres no marriage and no kids involved. The best advice is surely run, spend some time alone and consider why your self esteem might be so low, then be happy alone or find someone worthy of your time and love.