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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 27/02/2023 07:34

What @billy1966 said x 1000!! Great post

Jaxinthebox · 27/02/2023 10:33

100% what billy said. You are far too good for both of them.

Fraaahnces · 27/02/2023 10:48

You are an inspiration!

Donnaslayer · 27/02/2023 15:27

If I were in your shoes, I would suggest employing covert operations tactics. This would involve maintaining a distance from your spouse, citing reasons such as headaches or needing time to process your thoughts, rather than openly stating that you want a divorce. It's important to keep your cards close to your chest until you've developed a comprehensive exit plan with the help of a divorce lawyer, covering aspects such as housing, finances, and custody arrangements.

By maintaining a degree of ambiguity, you can keep your spouse in a state of uncertainty, and he may be more inclined to cater to your needs and requests, even if it's just for childcare or running errands. This can be particularly helpful in situations where you need his cooperation for legal or financial matters. Checkout child maintenance to know your rights, are you getting what you are due out of him atm.

It's important to remember that his behavior and attitude towards you may change for the worse once he realizes that there's no chance of reconciliation.

It's also vital to protect yourself from any potential financial or legal repercussions. Make sure that he can't access any bank accounts, cancel or stops paying towards essential services such as mobile phone contracts, car insurance, or utilities. You should also be cautious when letting him into the house, as he may take advantage of the situation and attempt to remove possessions that are rightfully yours.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make, but keep these factors in mind to prevent any surprises.

Remember that you have the support of those around you, and we're all rooting for you during this difficult time xxx

AlbertaAnnie · 27/02/2023 15:39

Well done op! Keep your head up high and enjoy your life!

quietlyspoken08 · 27/02/2023 15:55

Just read both your threads and I think you are amazing! What a woman he has lost. Good luck to you and your boys for your future Flowers

Ohhmydays · 28/02/2023 07:13

crackersforcrackers · 26/02/2023 20:52

You're being absolutely amazing OP and so strong ❤I hope you have a very happy future with your two beautiful boys and things only get better for you Flowers

Exactly this. Best of luck op and keep shining 😊

Fraaahnces · 01/03/2023 02:12

I just know that this guy is going to end up alone, bitter and ashamed of himself.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2023 03:20

billy1966 · 27/02/2023 07:05

Moving on as quickly as you have, with such finality, will both confuse and infuriate him and her.

His fragile ego will not be able to grasp that you are fine and ok with this and have removed any choices he thought had in this.

For her you being fine will confuse her because she thought he was prize to be won, not some discarded twat that you want to scrape off the shoe of your life asap.

You have all the power here.

He's simply NOT good enough for you.

The most eloquent and accurate post so far!!

Gillbil · 01/03/2023 12:42

Good for you! But damn want happen to that lady to make her that f'ed up? That girl needs therapy!

7eleven · 01/03/2023 18:39

‘scrape off the shoe of your life’ is a fantastic expression!

babyboybabygirl · 03/03/2023 17:07

You are an inspiration!

TicketBoo23 · 04/03/2023 07:45

JFDIYOLO · 16/02/2023 12:30

Hope your day goes well?

He's following the Script. Probably prompted by his mother understandably anxious about losing contact with grandchildren plus realising now he's been found out just how much he is going to lose.

Be prepared for nicey nicey to start with. The smarmy wheedling stage. The flowers and texts are already happening. Regrets, apologies, tears, 'can we try again, I'll change, promises, think of the children, the family, let's have another baby' bla bla bla.

Then as that doesn't work and he realises he has truly lost control over you (which is how he saw your relationship), the coercive emotional blackmail it's all your fault stage. 'How could you destroy our family, keep me from my children, you're nothing without me, who'd want you now' bla bla bla.

Then as that doesn't work, the threats stage - 'I'll harm myself if you don't ...'

Be hypervigilant that doesn't descend into 'Harm the children. Harm you.'

And the sabotage stage you may not even hear about. Contacting your family and friends behind your back. Selective sharing of communications between you. 'Look what I had to put up with. What choice did I have. She's crazy.' (My ex SIL's next boyfriend did that to all of us).

So do be very businesslike about all your communications with him, preferably email rather than text or phone/Facetime etc. Keep them all. It's going to be a challenge, but control your language and the tone of the comms, because having them to hand should support you and your decisions if you ever need them as evidence.

All the very best - there's an army at your side.

This should seriously be a sticky at the top of the Relationships thread section.

It perfectly pinpoints the phases these cheaters go through, and how it's all self serving.

namechange0102 · 08/03/2023 12:57

How are you getting on OP? Been thinking of you x

MaydinEssex · 08/03/2023 22:24

I'm just catching up now, so glad to hear you are in a good place right now OP, onwards and upwards! You should be so proud of yourself x

ZekeZeke · 11/03/2023 08:43

I've been thinking of you OP, hope you are doing OK.

Widoweddad · 11/03/2023 17:47

Hope you're well op.

typopro · 11/03/2023 23:15

Hope you are well OP? You've not posted any updates for two weeks now. Hope that doesn't mean you are back with him or anything like that? Come back and reassure us.

Lolaiscute · 12/03/2023 14:30

Hope you’re ok

MILLYmo0se · 12/03/2023 16:37

If the OP has made the decision to get back with her husband, thats not for us to judge
OP hope all is well and that you are doing okay

heartbroken26 · 13/03/2023 20:23

Hello all! Apologies for the ghosting! It's been a really stressful few weeks, the git is now in a relationship with 'her' didn't take long did it! They are welcome to each other! He's turned nasty! Told me he's going to fight for custody Etc. I'm really trying to keep my cool. I don't know if he's trying to use the custody as a bargaining tool for getting me back as he said it's a shame I'm breaking up the family! Me, ha! I really had to try not to punch him for that one. He also sent an estate agent around to value the house! I politely told the estate agent to go and that I have no intention of selling. Honestly the cheek of this man!

OP posts:
minidancer · 13/03/2023 20:26

You are dealing with this so well. He is really embarrassing himself isn't he?! As if he's with her after all her lies, they are a perfect match. I really hope things get easier for you soon.

Zonder · 13/03/2023 20:27

Wow he sent an EA round! What a cheek!

Dicktimsabound · 13/03/2023 20:34

Total respect OP. If only women would take a leaf out of your book, call these men out and stand their ground.
All the best. You deserved so much more than a rat without an ounce of integrity. Hopefully one day you will meet a man worthy of you.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 13/03/2023 20:40

Bloody hell. What a knobber