Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner drove through red light

117 replies

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:40

It's the second time he has done it. He also did it a year ago and I was very clear I wasn't OK with it. It is my car and both times I have been in the car with him. Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around. We were not running late. He has also been fined by the police once for running a red light on his bicycle.

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction? I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that and it will create a huge amount of tension between us. He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting. I disagree.

Happy to be told I am overreacting (I almost hope I am as the prospect of having to tell him I don't want him to drive me anymore is just exhausting to think about!).

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 06/02/2023 15:42

I don't know tbh. I wouldn't do it and wouldn't be impressed with someone who did. But at the same time, I wouldn't put it in the same category as speeding or drink driving.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 06/02/2023 15:43

Not an over reaction, it's your safety and the car is your property.
I'd forget the 6 months and just say he can no longer use your car.

Why doesn't he have his own car?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/02/2023 15:45

The only time I have ever drove through them is when it's temporary ones that clearly aren't working. The reasons he is giving are shocking. Don't let him drive your car again tell him to get his own.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 06/02/2023 15:45

I would add as someone whose parent was in the emergency services, they dealt with some horrendous jobs followings road traffic collisions where someone just hadn't bothered to stop and sailed through lights, give ways, stop signs etc.

BitchImTheSecretIngredient · 06/02/2023 15:45

He cant just ignore the laws he thinks are stupid! I would be really annoyed at this and he wouldn't be driving my car anymore

Catapultaway · 06/02/2023 15:46

Twice in a year... The horror 😂.
It's your car, why don't you do the driving?

Fizzadora · 06/02/2023 15:54

JenniferBarkley · 06/02/2023 15:42

I don't know tbh. I wouldn't do it and wouldn't be impressed with someone who did. But at the same time, I wouldn't put it in the same category as speeding or drink driving.

Why not? He's just as likely to kill or injure someone jumping a red light as he is speeding or drink driving.
Yes tell him he won't be driving you anywhere again. He's not allowed to use your car and you will ring the police and report it stolen if he takes it.
You do sound like his Mum btw so maybe a serious conversation about his immature attitude might not go amiss.
This is from an old granny who learnt to drive in the seventies when we all pretty much decided ourselves what the risks were. My DH is a recently (thankfully) retired HGV driver says driving standards today are pretty appalling because cars have so many safety features and people think they are totally protected in their little boxes, so take stupid risks that they wouldn't have done 20 or 30 years ago.

Ofcourseshecan · 06/02/2023 15:56

BitchImTheSecretIngredient · 06/02/2023 15:45

He cant just ignore the laws he thinks are stupid! I would be really annoyed at this and he wouldn't be driving my car anymore

Same here. People get killed by smartarses who are less observant or have slower reactions than they think.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:58

Well yes I can do the driving and that's what would happen if I said I didn't want to be driven by him anymore. Him being insured on my car was meant to be a nice and helpful thing for both of us, but obviously I didn't anticipate this. Not sure your comment is particularly constructive? Often people in a relationship do share the driving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:59

Sorry, that last message was a response to catapultaway, obviously I don't know how to quote a message!

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 06/02/2023 16:01

Why do you allow him to drive your car? Why are you not driving? Why isnt he driving you in his car? He's an utter nob for driving through a red, it's stupid and dangerous so of course you're not being U for saying he can't drive your car again. I would add 'ever' to that too.

FlounderingFruitcake · 06/02/2023 16:01

He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting
So he’s doing it on purpose?! Who does that? Excluding a situation as PP describes where it’s temp ones that obviously aren’t working. I might have some sympathy if it was a genuine mistake, unfamiliar area, late at night, confusion junction etc, although I’d still be worried about how safe he was, but there’s absolutely no excuse if he’s doing it deliberately and no I wouldn’t get in the car with him.

randomusername2020 · 06/02/2023 16:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:03

CalistoNoSolo · 06/02/2023 16:01

Why do you allow him to drive your car? Why are you not driving? Why isnt he driving you in his car? He's an utter nob for driving through a red, it's stupid and dangerous so of course you're not being U for saying he can't drive your car again. I would add 'ever' to that too.

When we met I had a car and he didn't. I just insured him on mine. We just usually share the driving. That time I wasn't driving as I was the one who drove us to see the friend we were visiting, so he offered to drive on the way back. We usually do roughly half each.

OP posts:
Quveas · 06/02/2023 16:03

JenniferBarkley · 06/02/2023 15:42

I don't know tbh. I wouldn't do it and wouldn't be impressed with someone who did. But at the same time, I wouldn't put it in the same category as speeding or drink driving.

Is that only until someone is injured or killed, or does it include all circumstances?

He'd be off my insurance, and not driving my car. Does he have the same disregard for other laws, or only this one?

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:04

FlounderingFruitcake · 06/02/2023 16:01

He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting
So he’s doing it on purpose?! Who does that? Excluding a situation as PP describes where it’s temp ones that obviously aren’t working. I might have some sympathy if it was a genuine mistake, unfamiliar area, late at night, confusion junction etc, although I’d still be worried about how safe he was, but there’s absolutely no excuse if he’s doing it deliberately and no I wouldn’t get in the car with him.

Yes, he's doing it deliberately.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 06/02/2023 16:08

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:04

Yes, he's doing it deliberately.

Show quote history

Wow. I’m honestly surprised that your question isn’t “would you continue a relationship with someone who endangers himself and others (including me) by deliberately driving through red lights?”

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:09

Thanks everyone for your replies. The consensus seems to be that it's not OK, even if there is noone around and no other vehicles. I am dreading telling him I don't want him to drive me anymore, we have a long 6 hour drive weekend trip coming up and the usual plan is we do half each. I think it's going to be a pretty awkward car journey, let alone tiring for me! But thanks for your help.

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 06/02/2023 16:09

Does he enjoy scaring you? Or just enjoy deliberately ignoring your wishes in YOUR car?
He wouldn't be using my car again in any circumstances and I'd be looking at the relationship as a whole too.

minou123 · 06/02/2023 16:12

He is doing it on purpose? Fuck.

That is so incredibly dangerous.

The fact he hasn't caused a serious accident is down to luck rather than his "superior" observation skills.
His luck will run out, and when that happens, as others have said, it won't be him that's seriously hurt, but an innocent person.

So no, you are not overreacting. He is driving dangerously and there is no way in hell I'd let him drive my car, never mind drive me about. I couldn't trust him. At all.

honestlyno · 06/02/2023 16:13

I have sat at red lights on a deserted street with not a car or person in sight - and I mean literally no chance of an accident - there's a certain level of lunacy in that too.

picklemewalnuts · 06/02/2023 16:14

This is big red flag territory for me.

It's risky behaviour.
In YOUR car when you've said it's not acceptable.
It's controlling behaviour

Most of all, biggest red flag.... you are afraid to tell him 'cos he's going to kick off. Sulk etc.

Though to be honest, that's a natural reaction from someone being held to account when they've done something wrong. None of us like it. But he has definitely done something wrong.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:15

Mumsanetta · 06/02/2023 16:08

Wow. I’m honestly surprised that your question isn’t “would you continue a relationship with someone who endangers himself and others (including me) by deliberately driving through red lights?”

Show quote history

Yes, I am worried about this too, you're right. I think the difficult bit is that it was a quiet road and there were no cars or pedestrians around when he drove through the red light, so I don't actually know how dangerous it was. I think it's more that he thinks he gets to decide which rules he follows and I think it's a dangerous precedent to assume you can foresee everything that will happen on the road and then just ignore the rules.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2023 16:16

I would end the relationship over this and I'm not kidding.

Catapultaway · 06/02/2023 16:17

honestlyno · 06/02/2023 16:13

I have sat at red lights on a deserted street with not a car or person in sight - and I mean literally no chance of an accident - there's a certain level of lunacy in that too.

Well yes, context is important. It can be risky, or can be as safe as any other junction.

Swipe left for the next trending thread