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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner drove through red light

117 replies

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:40

It's the second time he has done it. He also did it a year ago and I was very clear I wasn't OK with it. It is my car and both times I have been in the car with him. Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around. We were not running late. He has also been fined by the police once for running a red light on his bicycle.

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction? I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that and it will create a huge amount of tension between us. He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting. I disagree.

Happy to be told I am overreacting (I almost hope I am as the prospect of having to tell him I don't want him to drive me anymore is just exhausting to think about!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:43

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:35

Fair enough, but these all seem to be reasons for ending the relationship though, to be honest, or at least not getting in any car which he's driving, yours or his.

I'm not looking to end the relationship although I can definitely see it's concerning. Both times this has happened the lights have been working normally. The first time it happened they were just normal lights on a road and there was no one around so he drove through them. I explained that wasn't OK with me and I didn't want to be driven through red lights. The second time they were lights at an entrance to a roundabout.

Would it make a difference if they were temporary? They weren't, but I'm not sure if that would be different?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 06/02/2023 16:43

Please don't run red lights at roadworks when you can see the way is clear!! @Witsendwilly

It confuses the sensor and it's likely to jam on red causing chaos for everyone else. We had this on a road near me and it was a nightmare. Every bloody night some muppet was too impatient to wait the cycle through, so it stick on red all night long and caused chaos next day,

No one. No one is so special they don't need to wait for the red light cycle.

PrincessConstance · 06/02/2023 16:43

Some lights have cameras on so I suspect he'll be caught very soon. Ultimately it's very dangerous.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:44

Thanks for your advice everyone

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 06/02/2023 16:45

This isn't just stupid and reckless with your car and your safety... Its what it says about his respect for you, how he prioritises your wellbeing and wishes. I bet if you really think about it there are plenty of examples in your relationship where he is selfish, thoughtless and reckless. This wont be isolated to running through a red light. If I were you stop trying for a baby, and seriously reevaluate your relationship. A decent man wouldnt take risks with someone he loves.

FairyBatman · 06/02/2023 16:46

I would take him off the insurance now before you cha get your mind and then tell him that you've done it.

It's bad enough that he is being reckless and dangerous, but if you have specifically asked him not to and he does it again in your car that would be the end of any car borrowing for me.

Aside from illegal he is being rude and disrespectful of your boundaries.

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:48

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:43

I'm not looking to end the relationship although I can definitely see it's concerning. Both times this has happened the lights have been working normally. The first time it happened they were just normal lights on a road and there was no one around so he drove through them. I explained that wasn't OK with me and I didn't want to be driven through red lights. The second time they were lights at an entrance to a roundabout.

Would it make a difference if they were temporary? They weren't, but I'm not sure if that would be different?

Show quote history

Would it make a difference if they were temporary? They weren't, but I'm not sure if that would be different?

Legally? No it makes no difference.

JenniferBarkley · 06/02/2023 16:51

Cycling through them would bother me more.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 16:53

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction?

It wouldn't be an overreaction, you would be putting your feelings first, which is something he doesn't seem capable of doing.

Take him off the insurance, tell him you've done so, and explain that you don't want him running red lights in your car, whether you're in it or not.

The thing that stands out for me most in this is that you're worried about his reaction when you talk to him about it. This doesn't sound good to me, and I know you're trying for a baby - can you put that on hold until you've had a bit of a think about what behaviour that endangers you and disregards your feelings means in a bigger way?

You know he will be very annoyed with you and it will create a huge amount of tension between you. Because you've got boundaries? Do you feel that's reasonable? Have a think a bit more about this, with your babymaking blinkers off.

MoggyMittens23 · 06/02/2023 16:54

Catapultaway · 06/02/2023 15:46

Twice in a year... The horror 😂.
It's your car, why don't you do the driving?

don't really get why it's funny

SecretSophie · 06/02/2023 16:55

I wouldn't let him drive my car, he sounds like an idiot who thinks he knows better than everyone else. I wouldn't be comfortable driving through red lights, in the hope that this genius will ensure my safety as his passenger. Pop down to your nearest fire station and ask them how many times they've had to cut some other idiot out of their car, or worse someone else who is driving safely but hit by a wanker who knows better.

N27 · 06/02/2023 16:57

HUGE red flags for me with any man who thinks he has the right to decide what laws to follow and which ones not to.

I would take him off my insurance and I would not be having a child with him.

he clearly thinks he knows best, does this apply ONLY to red lights? Or does it extend to other things. I seriously doubt this is the last rule he’ll be breaking in his lifetime and I wouldn’t let a child anywhere near that

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 17:01

Thanks everyone. This is slightly depressing as I feel like this is now very serious and most people are saying to rethink the entire relationship!

I think there are only a couple of people that seem to be saying that I'm overreacting, but then it's interesting that that does seem to be a point of view that exists, just very much in the minority.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 06/02/2023 17:02

Waiting at red lights when you can't see anyone coming is deeply annoying. But that doesn't mean you can just jump them, no matter how tempting. That's just mad!

ScribblingPixie · 06/02/2023 17:04

I wouldn't make a big announcement that he's not allowed to drive your car for six months - you're not Judge Hardly123 passing down a sentence. I'd just get in the driving seat & if he queries it say you don't feel safe as his passenger so you'll be driving your own car for the time being. See how it goes.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 17:05

ScribblingPixie · 06/02/2023 17:04

I wouldn't make a big announcement that he's not allowed to drive your car for six months - you're not Judge Hardly123 passing down a sentence. I'd just get in the driving seat & if he queries it say you don't feel safe as his passenger so you'll be driving your own car for the time being. See how it goes.

Okay that's good advice, thanks. I'll do it that way.

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 06/02/2023 17:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

SweetcornFritter · 06/02/2023 17:13

I have a long walk to and from work every day across several junctions with traffic lights. Cars driving through red lights I see on a daily basis. Only a few days ago a taxi slowed down as it approached the red light and as I began to cross it sped up again, like he actually wanted to run me over. There are plenty on entitled maniacs on the roads and I wouldn’t put up with one of them driving my car for another second.

Beachsidesunset · 06/02/2023 17:14

For all he knows there's a side road ahead that he can't see. Farm vehicles waiting to join the main road. A police car behind a hedge (I've seen them!) He's an idiot who doesn't respect the law or you.

Patineur · 06/02/2023 17:15

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:22

Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around.

I'd say you're definitely overreacting.

Can you explain what it is that's worrying you so much that would be solved by not letting him drive your car? If there's no one in sight the worst case scenario is that he gets fined by a camera and eventually banned (although even that's unlikely - it's easy enough to see the cameras). If that does happen it doesn't really matter which car he's in. He'll still get banned. Your car won't be affected either way. (Unless you think he'll walk or take a taxi if he can't use yours?)

I don't think that is the worst case scenario. If he makes a habit of this, it's virtually inevitable that a time will come when the road isn't as clear as he thinks and he will hit someone or something. Is it really worth it to avoid waiting for a minute or less?

TiredMum86 · 06/02/2023 17:17

He's arrogant enough to think he's above the law. He's special and such a good driver, in his mind, that he doesn't need to follow the rules. I would not personally let a man like that drive my children around and it's going to be very hard for you to stop that happening if you have a baby with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2023 17:18

It's so depressing that you're actually trying to have a baby with this fuckwit.

Patineur · 06/02/2023 17:19

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:36

Driver is responsible.

Show quote history

Before a ticket is issued they would normally ask who was driving, so OP's partner would get the ticket.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/02/2023 17:21

Take him off the insurance, tell him you've done so, and explain that you don't want him running red lights in your car, whether you're in it or not.

Yes. Even if he doesn't cause an accident, there's a fair chance he'll get caught at some point and that would probably put your insurance premiums up.

smileladiesplease · 06/02/2023 17:23

I think for me it would be a symptom of something bigger an arrogance and a disregard for your comfort snd safety let alone the law. I would find this a real turn off to be honest with you I can't abide arrogant men.