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Original poster

Partner drove through red light

117 replies

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:40

It's the second time he has done it. He also did it a year ago and I was very clear I wasn't OK with it. It is my car and both times I have been in the car with him. Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around. We were not running late. He has also been fined by the police once for running a red light on his bicycle.

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction? I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that and it will create a huge amount of tension between us. He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting. I disagree.

Happy to be told I am overreacting (I almost hope I am as the prospect of having to tell him I don't want him to drive me anymore is just exhausting to think about!).

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 06/02/2023 16:17

If I were him in that situation, I'd ask you. "Look, this is tedious. I'd go through it but I know you don't like it. What do you think?"

As it is, I'm pretty sure your insurance would be invalid.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:17

honestlyno · 06/02/2023 16:13

I have sat at red lights on a deserted street with not a car or person in sight - and I mean literally no chance of an accident - there's a certain level of lunacy in that too.

Yes, I think this is what he thinks. Maybe the difference is that it does seem silly when it's deserted, but I wouldn't then take matters into my own hands, I'd just wait, even if it did seem faintly ridiculous, because there could be another time when you misjudge it, or think it's empty when it's not and hurt someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:18

picklemewalnuts · 06/02/2023 16:17

If I were him in that situation, I'd ask you. "Look, this is tedious. I'd go through it but I know you don't like it. What do you think?"

As it is, I'm pretty sure your insurance would be invalid.

I would have been much happier if he'd done that.

OP posts:
verdantverdure · 06/02/2023 16:18

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2023 16:16

I would end the relationship over this and I'm not kidding.

Me too.

I couldn't be with someone who thinks he is above the laws of the land and doesn't believe the rules apply to him.

I'd never have children with such a man.

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:22

Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around.

I'd say you're definitely overreacting.

Can you explain what it is that's worrying you so much that would be solved by not letting him drive your car? If there's no one in sight the worst case scenario is that he gets fined by a camera and eventually banned (although even that's unlikely - it's easy enough to see the cameras). If that does happen it doesn't really matter which car he's in. He'll still get banned. Your car won't be affected either way. (Unless you think he'll walk or take a taxi if he can't use yours?)

Catapultaway · 06/02/2023 16:24

picklemewalnuts · 06/02/2023 16:17

If I were him in that situation, I'd ask you. "Look, this is tedious. I'd go through it but I know you don't like it. What do you think?"

As it is, I'm pretty sure your insurance would be invalid.

Why would the insurance be invalid?

JenniferBarkley · 06/02/2023 16:28

honestlyno · 06/02/2023 16:13

I have sat at red lights on a deserted street with not a car or person in sight - and I mean literally no chance of an accident - there's a certain level of lunacy in that too.

This is what I'm assuming. If he's stopped and there is clearly no one around and OP never actually felt in danger, just annoyed at the law breaking then that's very different in my book to flying through a red light without stopping. I'd be unimpressed but not issuing ultimatums.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:28

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:22

Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around.

I'd say you're definitely overreacting.

Can you explain what it is that's worrying you so much that would be solved by not letting him drive your car? If there's no one in sight the worst case scenario is that he gets fined by a camera and eventually banned (although even that's unlikely - it's easy enough to see the cameras). If that does happen it doesn't really matter which car he's in. He'll still get banned. Your car won't be affected either way. (Unless you think he'll walk or take a taxi if he can't use yours?)

I think it's that firstly I was completely clear with him that I wasn't OK with it when he did it the first time. So I feel it's unkind and disrespectful to do it a second time when he knows how uncomfortable it made me. I feel that regardless of whether he's breaking the law or not, that should be enough. I wouldn't do things when I know they make him very uncomfortable.

Secondly, he might do it again. Next time he may misjudge it and think there's no one there, but there is. I think that if you have a habit of deliberately driving through red lights when you think you can tell it's safe, you may well be wrong on one occasion. The risk is then obvious.

Thirdly, we are trying for a baby. I worry about him driving a small child around and them learning that kind of approach is OK.

Fourthly, I work in law enforcement. The whole situation is very uncomfortable for me.

OP posts:
ChewOnALeaf · 06/02/2023 16:28

Why can he not wait? I mean how long are the lights? It isn't like we are talking a 15 minute wait at the lights. There is a motorway roundabout near me where everyone pushes the lights changing to red. It is a 40 second wait at rush hour. 40 seconds. Just wait.

£100 fine and 3 points on your license. Remember that these days people submit dash cam footage to police to issue fines for running red lights etc. It is called Operation Snap. So it doesn't have to be a red light with a camera, just someone with a dash cam.

CalistoNoSolo · 06/02/2023 16:31

So does he have his own car or not?

MavisFlump · 06/02/2023 16:33

I work in law enforcement…. and you seriously don’t know that what this oaf is doing is illegal and likely to end in a serious or fatal accident?
And you want a child with him.
Words fail me 🤬

JarByTheDoor · 06/02/2023 16:33

Pedestrians have a sneaky habit of emerging unexpectedly from side roads, front gardens, farm gates, shops, shadows, being bent down doing up a shoelace behind a car etc., have no obligation to be wearing pale clothing or be covered in lights or be over five foot tall or be moving at walking speed or otherwise be conspicuous and predictable, and might quite reasonably decide to cross the road because the lights for cars are red. It's really easy to think there's absolutely nobody about and for a pedestrian to suddenly appear. You might be absolutely sure there's nobody about and be wrong.

Ballofstrings · 06/02/2023 16:34

20 years ago I came across an accident caused by a driver going straight through a red light and hitting a 6 year old child who was crossing the road with her older brother. I had to perform CPR on the little darling till the ambulance arrived with their distraught mother standing over me. She died later in A&E. 20 years later that memory is etched on my mind as clear as the day it happened.

I think your partner is a reckless fuckwit who shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel of a car.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:35

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:28

I think it's that firstly I was completely clear with him that I wasn't OK with it when he did it the first time. So I feel it's unkind and disrespectful to do it a second time when he knows how uncomfortable it made me. I feel that regardless of whether he's breaking the law or not, that should be enough. I wouldn't do things when I know they make him very uncomfortable.

Secondly, he might do it again. Next time he may misjudge it and think there's no one there, but there is. I think that if you have a habit of deliberately driving through red lights when you think you can tell it's safe, you may well be wrong on one occasion. The risk is then obvious.

Thirdly, we are trying for a baby. I worry about him driving a small child around and them learning that kind of approach is OK.

Fourthly, I work in law enforcement. The whole situation is very uncomfortable for me.

Show quote history

Sorry, I should have explained that by not letting him drive my car, it's the only car he has access to. We just use it for visiting friends or trips, not for work commuting or anything. So by not letting him drive my car, I basically just mean not driving me anywhere, as I don't think I want to be in that position. I would extend that to rental cars too. I don't want him to drive me anywhere. I would just have to be the one doing the driving.

However I wouldn't be opposed to him driving my car on his own, as long as I'm not in it.

I just personally don't want to be driven through a red light. Sorry I should have been clearer on that.

I'm sure after all this I will probably just go and crash myself accidentally or something frustrating like that and feel like an idiot!

OP posts:
Witsendwilly · 06/02/2023 16:35

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:40

It's the second time he has done it. He also did it a year ago and I was very clear I wasn't OK with it. It is my car and both times I have been in the car with him. Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around. We were not running late. He has also been fined by the police once for running a red light on his bicycle.

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction? I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that and it will create a huge amount of tension between us. He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting. I disagree.

Happy to be told I am overreacting (I almost hope I am as the prospect of having to tell him I don't want him to drive me anymore is just exhausting to think about!).

were they temporary lights at roadworks and he was certain it was clear?

If so, I don’t see a massive issue to be honest

Radiatorvalves · 06/02/2023 16:35

if you were to get a ticket, who would pay? Red lights are not negotiable! I’d be stopping him driving my car and probably calling time on the relationship.

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:35

Fair enough, but these all seem to be reasons for ending the relationship though, to be honest, or at least not getting in any car which he's driving, yours or his.

LauraNicolaides · 06/02/2023 16:36

Radiatorvalves · 06/02/2023 16:35

if you were to get a ticket, who would pay? Red lights are not negotiable! I’d be stopping him driving my car and probably calling time on the relationship.

Driver is responsible.

whattodo1975 · 06/02/2023 16:36

I can 100% guarantee that when he is on his bicycle he is running red lights all every time he is out.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/02/2023 16:37

www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/cameras/traffic-light-cameras/

Lejuge28 · 06/02/2023 16:39

Red lights aren't optional for whenever you feel like it.

I wouldn't let him drive my car again if he can't obey the most basic laws of the road.

Original poster
Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 16:39

whattodo1975 · 06/02/2023 16:36

I can 100% guarantee that when he is on his bicycle he is running red lights all every time he is out.

Yes, that is what he does.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/02/2023 16:39

It's illegal to run red lights.

Just remembered FIL ran red lights when I was in labour but it was 1am and there wasn't a soul in sight and trust me I was at the pushing stage!!!!!

You don't just jump them just for the sake of it cause no-one is there, can you be 100% sure that a pedestrian won't cross thinking they are safe?

larchforest · 06/02/2023 16:40

If someone did that while driving my car, I would not be letting them drive my car again, and would take them off the insurance.

I too have a family member who was in the emergency services, and who had to deal with the tragic aftermath of dangerous driving all too often.

WiIson · 06/02/2023 16:43

That's really weird behaviour. It's one thing to go through if the lights clearly aren't working. But something else to go through them anyway. Hope there were cameras on those lights.