Partner drove through red light

[Hardly123]

It's the second time he has done it. He also did it a year ago and I was very clear I wasn't OK with it. It is my car and both times I have been in the car with him. Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around. We were not running late. He has also been fined by the police once for running a red light on his bicycle.

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction? I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that and it will create a huge amount of tension between us. He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting. I disagree.

Happy to be told I am overreacting (I almost hope I am as the prospect of having to tell him I don't want him to drive me anymore is just exhausting to think about!).

It's slightly depressing that you didn't feel it was that important to begin with.

It's not the legal aspect for me, it's what it says about him, and about how he views you.

It doesn't reflect well on him at all. If you literally can't trust him enough to get in a car with him, how can you trust him enough to have a child with?

I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that

And will he keep quiet about his feelings, and post on a forum to ask strangers if he's being unreasonable, or will he just let it all hang out?

Ask yourself why there's an imbalance here, where you consider being quiet when something illegal and dangerous he's doing is genuinely worrying you, due to safety concerns, and you're anxious about mentioning it, whereas he's going to fly into a strop without a moment's consideration, because you want him to stick to the law when he's driving in your car, on your insurance.

Just tell him very calmly that as he has chosen not to drive your car any more you have taken him off the insurance.
I would probably bet that his reaction to this will have you reassessing your relationship though.
You have expressed a very clear boundary and he has ignored it. Observe carefully what happened when you set this boundary, it may be very interesting in terms of understanding him as a person.

I really think this will be one of those things where you will look back and identify it as the beginning of the end of your relationship.

Take him off your insurance and don't let him drive your car ever again. He can do what he likes in a vehicle that has his name on the reg and insurance.

Having said that, I once accidentally drive through a red light. It was over 30 years ago. I got driving glasses after it happened.

I would agree with this. It's a symptom of a major relational problem (he has no respect for you), rather than simply an issue in itself.

Do not have a baby with a man who plays fast and loose with safety and the law.

I don't think I said it wasn't that important to begin with. Quite the opposite.

He has zero respect for you, your possessions or your job. You can do so much better.

My sister got caught by a jump camera at traffic lights abs she'd only moved over the line to make way for an ambulance on a blue light call. She still had to pay the fine and got 3 points on her license

sorry to say that you really need to rethink your whole relationship in light of further things you’ve written. It’s not good that he’s run red lights, worse that you’re afraid of his reaction and even worse that you’re ttc.

I worked with a person who had to open up the business at 2am. Silly wally in the next door business obviously thought there’d be no one around at that time and drove straight out of his entrance into the side of her car. Wrote off the car, she had to have a lot of time off work and lost lots of money as it was written off. That’s what your oH’s kind of thinking leads to.

at the very least, please take him off your insurance as you’re now aware that he runs red lights regularly. How would you feel, knowing that, if he did hurt someone?

Thanks everyone

He is deliberately doing this to exert his power over you. He knows you hate it but doesn't care.

FFS, why are you even with him?! Of course it isn’t ok- get a fucking grip!
This attitude speaks volumes in terms of his personality.. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg of things he does!

Aren't there cameras on traffic lights?

However I wouldn't be opposed to him driving my car on his own, as long as I'm not in it.

If you have a baby with him, he will have just as many legal rights to drive the baby in the car with him as you do.

Which is why I couldn't have a child with someone who drove irresponsibly. Wilfully, in the case of your partner.

Really think about that when you're deciding what to do.

I think if someone has asked you not to do something potentially dangerous whilst driving, and they do it anyway without really caring what you think, that's quite problematic.

@been and done it. Some traffic lights have cameras, but most don't.

Tell him he can't drive your car bc he's clearly a shit driver if he thinks the rules don't apply to him

You did say that you felt you might be overreacting, I hope that you now believe that you are not. I know these are probably not the responses you were looking for and they must make difficult reading. But with the benefit of hindsight and experience the majority of responses are confirming that this is a problem and many of them, a wider problem than a traffic violation.

Agreed.

OP,

You have the cop on to realise that this is not OK and have started a thread.

I am a much older woman and I guarantee you that this is a pivotal moment in your life and you will never forget this thread for either a good reason or bad.

He is a walking red flag and you are seriously considering having a baby with him?.

You will bitterly regret it if you do.

He is a complete loser.

A loser that doesn't respect you for a minute.

He doesn't give a shit what you think, he knows better and will do as he pleases, even in a car he doesn't own.

You are afraid of his reaction to you telling him he can't drive YOUR car because he likes to break the law and potentially put your life at risk?

You are trying for a baby with a man whose reaction you fear.

You must be out of your mind.

You will bitterly regret having such low standards and utter misery awaits you having a child with a twat.

Dump him and run.

Don't inflict this loser on a child.

My husband went through a stage of getting more and more road ragey whilst driving. Culminating in him doing something very dangerous on a motorway because he was paying more attention to another person's (inadequate) driving than his own. I admit I completely hit the roof, demanded he stop at the next services and got out and started walking home. I told him I was not going to be a passenger with him driving any more. I think I drove everywhere for some time, maybe 6 months. He was very apologetic once he had reflected on it (he's actually a lovely person so I have no idea where Road Rage Man came from!) And eventually I relented and let him drive again on the promise of good behaviour. He's been absolutely fine since. Probably 8 years now. So in our case yes it helped him realise the impact of his behaviour on me and that it was a hard boundary for me. I would recommend it. Unless your DH is actually like this in other areas as well in which case you have bigger issues.

He shouldn't do it but wouldn't end the relationship over it

Take him off your insurance and don't let him drive your car - you'll probably save money on your insurance by taking him off
Then make him pay for a cab when it would have been his turn to drive your car.
What a tosser he is!

My DH is a cyclist
He goes through red lights all the time.
That doesn't count though does it.