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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner drove through red light

117 replies

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 15:40

It's the second time he has done it. He also did it a year ago and I was very clear I wasn't OK with it. It is my car and both times I have been in the car with him. Both times there were no other vehicles or pedestrians around. We were not running late. He has also been fined by the police once for running a red light on his bicycle.

I told myself if he did it again I would not let him drive me anywhere. He has now done it again.

I am thinking of saying I don't want him to drive me anywhere for the next 6 months. Would that be an overreaction? I know he will be very annoyed with me if I say that and it will create a huge amount of tension between us. He thinks that waiting for a red light when there is no danger to anyone if you drive through it is stupid and that I am overreacting. I disagree.

Happy to be told I am overreacting (I almost hope I am as the prospect of having to tell him I don't want him to drive me anymore is just exhausting to think about!).

OP posts:

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/02/2023 19:14

Cyclists are totally different to cars.

thetrees · 06/02/2023 19:15

@Sillycello don't want to derail the thread but yes it does.

I used to live very near a very busy London bike route. Crossing the road with a baby and a four year old twice a day for the school run was really hairy due to wanker cyclists speeding through on red lights.

Makes me feel stressed just thinking about it.

Zanatdy · 06/02/2023 19:20

For the first time ever a couple of weeks ago I went through a red light at 1am. It was a pedestrian crossing and no-one was there as the person had already crossed and was walking up the road. I just went - I was tired and it felt pointless sitting there. Yes I was in the wrong, but there wasn’t a risk to anyone. I think Brits are the only national in the world to sit waiting on a red light when there’s no-one there. In the US you can turn right on a red light if the coast is clear which makes sense

Grumpybutfunny · 06/02/2023 19:23

ChewOnALeaf · 06/02/2023 16:28

Why can he not wait? I mean how long are the lights? It isn't like we are talking a 15 minute wait at the lights. There is a motorway roundabout near me where everyone pushes the lights changing to red. It is a 40 second wait at rush hour. 40 seconds. Just wait.

£100 fine and 3 points on your license. Remember that these days people submit dash cam footage to police to issue fines for running red lights etc. It is called Operation Snap. So it doesn't have to be a red light with a camera, just someone with a dash cam.

I really wish they would stop that who wants to get a fellow motorist fined!!! Red light cameras are used at dangerous junctions but seen as people can't use round abouts lights are popping up everywhere.

I think it would depend what he is driving a little fiat 500 I would be to scared someone else had the same idea and hit us. A X5 (possibly a Range Rover etc but I don't trust them) I would say the only real actual risk is a fine and points. That's coming from someone who has put a X5 in a ditch and the only issue being having to go find the farmer we know to help drag it out!! It literally only had a few scratches off twigs!

It would also depends on the junction a large city center junction not a chance, pedestrian crossing at 2am yeah that's a waste of time wishing

Patineur · 06/02/2023 19:26

Maybe people want fellow motorists who are dangerous drivers to be fined to persuade them to drive more safely?

Original poster

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 19:34

SoozyWoozy5 · 06/02/2023 18:27

FFS, why are you even with him?! Of course it isn’t ok- get a fucking grip!
This attitude speaks volumes in terms of his personality.. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg of things he does!

I'm not sure telling me to get a fucking grip is constructive? I prefer to give things some consideration and this is usually a helpful community for that.

OP posts:

been and done it. · 06/02/2023 19:44

quinceh · 06/02/2023 18:42

@been and done it. Some traffic lights have cameras, but most don't.

Ah...thanks

been and done it. · 06/02/2023 19:44

Sillycello · 06/02/2023 19:13

My DH is a cyclist
He goes through red lights all the time.
That doesn't count though does it.

Not until he gets wiped out...no...

Original poster

Hardly123 · 06/02/2023 19:45

Update:

Thanks so much for all of the interest in this post, it's really been helpful for me and I really appreciate the mumsnet community. Thanks to the people that have taken the time to post kindly and thoughtfully, I'm giving some serious thought to what you've said.

I think my most likely route is to not let my partner drive me anywhere for quite some time. As for wider relationship decisions, I'll give them some thought.

A minority of posters have made comments like 'get a grip', 'you're out of your mind' and referred to 'baby making blinkers'. I've not really been able to take in the rest of their advice, even if it was useful, as those types of comments are unhelpful and unkind and overshadow the rest of the comment.

Thanks again for your support. I won't be updating any further.

Drive safely! :)

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 19:48

Best of luck OP.

Ballofstrings · 06/02/2023 19:51

It would also depends on the junction a large city center junction not a chance, pedestrian crossing at 2am yeah that's a waste of time wishing

You seem to be considering the possible damage to cars and what size they might be. I think you need to give serious thought to what damage would be caused to a human if struck by even a “little Fiat 500” I’ve already posted on page 2 about the 6 yr I saw killed by a car going through a red light. And yes it was a small car. Going through a red light is reckless and irresponsible.

samqueens · 06/02/2023 20:53

picklemewalnuts · 06/02/2023 16:14

This is big red flag territory for me.

It's risky behaviour.
In YOUR car when you've said it's not acceptable.
It's controlling behaviour

Most of all, biggest red flag.... you are afraid to tell him 'cos he's going to kick off. Sulk etc.

Though to be honest, that's a natural reaction from someone being held to account when they've done something wrong. None of us like it. But he has definitely done something wrong.

This

Watchkeys · 06/02/2023 21:35

Sillycello · 06/02/2023 19:13

My DH is a cyclist
He goes through red lights all the time.
That doesn't count though does it.

What do you think the relevance of this is? Cyclists have accidents all the time due to doing this. Is your husband proving that it's ok for cyclists to do it because he's not been killed yet?

Ofcourseshecan · 06/02/2023 21:36

honestlyno · 06/02/2023 16:13

I have sat at red lights on a deserted street with not a car or person in sight - and I mean literally no chance of an accident - there's a certain level of lunacy in that too.

But the point is, once you ignore a red light in conditions you think are 100% perfect, where do you stop? Why not in 99% perfect conditions? Then 95%, then 90%? Etc.

And once you start routinely doing it, a few more will copy you, and then more, so it soon becomes normal. The whole point is, it has to be an absolute taboo. Red light = don’t go.

Radiatorvalves · 07/02/2023 09:09

@Sillycello I’m à cyclist who regularly cycles in London and see many cyclists running red lights. I don’t. The rules are for everyone and when they are respected people don’t get killed or squashed. I’ve seen a couple of nasty accidents. I also berated a cyclist with no lights last Friday… cycled through a red light and almost into me, elderly father and kids… crossing on a green man.

please encourage your husband to obey Highway Code and stop giving all cyclists a bad name.

Skipsaway · 07/02/2023 09:56

Was there a reason you didn't stop him driving at the time? You should have just asked him to pull over as you felt unsafe.
If you can't have a conversation with him about this it's definitely timeto stop him driving your car.

GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 10:13

Skipsaway · 07/02/2023 09:56

If one can't have a conversation about this, definitely time to stop trying for a baby, more importantly. I feel for OP, I think there's a bit more food for thought herethan initially anticipated and that must be difficult.

It's hard to accept the the person you'd planned to hitch your wagon to is actually not ideal, and when a light has been shed on behaviours and you've had another perspective, it can be easier to ignore than face reality in the short term.

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