Overbearing MIL

[Bella2255]

Help!!!! I have an overbearing mother in law..... whenever she visits she outstays her welcome and demands on spending the WHOLE day sat on my sofa, and never takes hints it's time to leave. Our takeaway for dinner arrived once at 9pm and she still sat there and just asked to have some.....! She also let herself into my house once when visiting and ran herself a bath while I was out.... I find this behaviour so odd!!!!

She would sleepover if she could but I put a stop to it when our baby arrived as it was too intense.... She as a person is very negative, judgemental and I fundamentally disagree with most things which come out her mouth, and I find her negativity draining. My husband says she is the ONLY family member he wants to maintain a relationship with and I have to get on board..... she wants to see our 8 MO every other weekend.... but I find this too much! What about my family, friends, time together as a family?? There aren't enough weekends as it is. She lives 1.5 hours away so visits are never a quick pop in..... and my husband says we can't expect her to drive all this way and "just stay a couple of hours". My husband has a very stressful job, works long hours and works usually on Saturdays too, so we hardly get any family time as it is.

I am returning to work soon and there is the possible option for her to come and look after our 8MO for a morning each week on a Friday, but the Friday afternoons I'm planning to be off work and have some much needed 1-1 time with me and my baby girl, and I worry I'll be having to make excuses to get her out the door every week! I don't want to seem like I'm dictating to her when she can and can't come over but I am starting to have serious anxiety every time I know she's coming.....☹️.

She is alone and really has no social life, so when she comes here she loves to extend the visit for as long as possible. Most of the time I'm upstairs in the bath getting ready for bed and she's still sat on the sofa - not making any attempt to leave ! It's really becoming an issue between me and my husband.

Any suggestions would be welcome 😢

The bath thing is a bit weird but not inviting her to stay for dinner and banning her from staying the night seems really mean. She comes for the day but you don't feed her?? If she's really that awful and judgemental I'd cut down her visits to once a month but let her stay over, and definitely no to her doing childcare because you clearly despise the woman, so why on earth would you want her looking after your baby?

I kind of feel your pain because my dad can be a right pain in the neck, although not exactly the same.
It's down to your husband to respect how you feel over this and take actions accordingly. So he needs to speak to his mum. She sounds very entitled and being around negativity all the time can be very draining. You have my sympathy anyway.

I could have written this post a year ago! MIL is alone and lives an hour away, I like her a lot but she just had no boundaries, she would arrive at 9am and stay until 11pm at night.

You have to get your DP to say something, it’s his mother. If you say something you’ll just seem like the bad guy. My DH had a word about how we loved her visiting but that we go to bed really early these days because of the baby keeping us up and how having visitors here after 5pm disrupted the kids bedtime routine too much and now she’s much better at always leaves by 5pm. Our relationship is way better now because I don’t dread her coming.

Friday afternoons I would just be honest! Say how much you miss your baby and that you want some 1:1 time with her, your MIL will have had her all morning so she can’t complain! Or make plans to go to a baby group or see friends? But your DH needs to be on your side.

You sound mean

Yes of course I feed her! I am an extremely attentive host... I make her food, tea, whatever she wants.... she sits and receives it all and never helps to tidy up or even bring her cup back into the kitchen.

There's many issues which would be too long to explain on here... the main one I have is that she slags off every single person in her life... including her other son who can do no right in her eyes. Every year she has moaned about the Christmas gift he buys her..., this year a £100 gift voucher but that wasn't thoughtful enough for her liking.

I am far from it.... I've been nothing but the perfect daughter in law to her for many many years, and I feel my kindness taken for granted. I've unfortunately had my boundaries pushed on too many occasions I have lost all sympathy and patience for her

I wish things were different

You sound really unreasonable. The bath thing is weird but everything your husband said is correct. She just wants to spend time with her son and grandchild. She is on her own. Visiting every other week is not excessive. Why can’t you take advantage of when she is there to leave the baby with her and go out for the day with your husband or catch up with your own friends? It doesn’t seem hugely onerous tbqh. It does come across that you don’t like her.

Just get your husband to take the child to her every other weekend, then you get a break. As to the help on a Friday, say no because if your husband is saying she can’t drive 1.5 hours for a visit of a few hours my guess is she will expect to stay until the Sunday

She has a key to your house?
Bloody hell.

Yeah I think that's the problem. I have come to really dislike her as a person and her values are so different from mine (slagging off her other son as an example and using my husband to offload emotionally on with subjects she shouldn't do really bother me - she treats him more like her partner than her son). I've had my boundaries over stepped on so many occasions I've been pushed to my limits! So yes probably do sound unreasonable. Im really stuck in a rut with the situation. Good to get others perspectives though x

Who orders in a takeaway and doesn't ask a guest if they want some too?

I see you seem to be happy to take her offer of free childcare though .

Your DH has made his position clear that he wants a relationship with his mother. This suggests you have been pushing him towards something else.

If she lives 1.5 hours away that's a 3 hour round-trip in a day. Of course she isn't just popping in.

And looking after my baby.... it's not my idea. It's my husbands suggestion so she gets time with her which then doesn't impact our time as a family at the weekend . I'm not hugely up for it but trying to compromise

I feel your pain. My in laws stay an hour away and insist on arranging a visit really last minute then staying for 4 hours at a time. My husband kept arranging them for during the week and it ended up meaning we had to buy them a takeaway or make them dinner every time. They don’t do anything to actually help us and never have so I really grudged it when my parents do loads for us but we never have the time to have them for dinner. It was at its worst when my son was born, I was emotionally fragile, just had a section, sitting feeling like I was bleeding through two pads on my sofa and they just wouldn’t take a hint to leave. I was so uncomfortable and was almost falling asleep sitting there. I really wish I’d put my foot down more and been blunt with them instead of just putting their ‘needs’ before mine.

I think your husband is going to have to sit her down and make it very clear to her if she is to watch her on the Friday, that you will be going out for the afternoon after it and she should head home. I totally feel the same anxiety when I know they’re coming and feel I’m really moany and snappy about them because they just don’t seem to care about anyone other than what they want.

@Amelia891 thank you, really helpful advice! People think I'm being mean but until you've experienced similar it's really hard to understand. My anxiety levels are another level when she's coming so I have to do something - thank you xx

She sounds like a lonely old woman OP. I think it’s odd you would say she ‘offloads emotionally’ on your husband. He is her son fgs. I understand you might not like what she has to say about your brother in law but at the end of the day that in itself seems fairly flimsy in terms of disliking her. She is grandmother to your child and your husband’s mother. She is part of your life, you should focus on trying to find a way to relate to her so that everything she does doesn’t wind you up so much. You don’t have to love her but I do think you can make your own life easier here by at least attempting to foster a better relationship with her. People usually can tell when they are being regarded as a nuisance, and it’s not a nice feeling, especially as she seems to have no one but your husband and her other son

Without going into too much detail my husband has a very fractured relationship with his dad and trying to build on it. He suffered quite a bad mental breakdown a couple of years ago and a lot stemmed from early relationship with his father. His mum continually bad mouths the dad, even to this day 36 years after they separated. And even knowing my husband had a breakdown, all the advice she could give was "I wish I had counselling when we separated "... she is a very "poor me" personality but even with my help does not want to help herself. I have lost patience for it. I find her comments about his dad very damaging and can only imagine what she said to my husband as a child to hinder the relationship. This is a small example where I cannot forgive her - after dealing with my husbands breakdown I lay some of the responsibility on her

Yeah someone like that is fairly hard to take. But it’s your husband’s mother and he wants her in his life. You’re offended on his behalf and I do understand that but you are making things harder for yourself. You need to start zoning out the negativity where you can. I think it’s pretty unfair to say things like I can only imagine what she said to him as a child. You weren’t there and dysfunctional families have dysfunctional relationships, that doesn’t mean they don’t love one another.

@BCxx yes exactly that, she will arrive and leave when it suits without any consideration for me.... I give out everything I have emotionally to my child and husband, I have nothing left some days and the last thing I want is to wait on someone else in the house all day long!

Seems to me this is the real issue here. You are giving too much of yourself away to your husband and child. You need to prioritise you a bit. Obviously your husband has needed a lot of support and your baby is still very young. You can’t look after everyone else all the time, who is looking after you?

I don't think you sound mean at all.
Giving up your only whole day as a family- I just wouldn't do that.
I would offer to visit her one a month and she can come to yours once.
Maybe go for lunch somewhere in the middle instead?
And no way I'd be telling her the truth about the Friday afternoon!
Tell her you have a baby class booked every week or something.

After I've waited on her all day, I want some time with my husband in the evening. I don't think that's too much to ask.

@SeasonFinale and I'm not fussed on the childcare.... ! I'd rather her not be here every week but I'm trying to compromise for my husband and MIL. I don't and wouldn't expect my husband to spend the whole day with my mum every 2 weeks.....

Thank you.... people saying I'm mean is making me question myself 😔. It's always good to get others perspective (which is why I posted in the first place!), but the way I feel about the situation I can't just ignore. Nobody has ever given me such levels of anxiety.... so I know I've had my boundaries pushed on too many occasions.

Yes I think I'll have to say I'm doing something Friday afternoons.... I'm just not somebody who lies it doesn't come naturally to me, but I do know I need to set boundaries to avoid having her hanging around all day! 😩

@Thepossibility oh and I've tried meeting in the middle for lunch.... she said it was "no good as didn't get enough time with us.... and she'll come to us next time" 🙈

What happens if you don't wait on her hand and foot? Or if you make plans so you're not available when she comes round? I don't think I could deal with a visitor, any visitor, who rocked up every two weeks, expecting to be hosted all day. Would it be more tolerable if you just did your thing, let her sort herself out for teas etc? I'm happy to host every now and again, once a month or so, but a relative who shows up regularly when you've got a young baby and doesn't help out, is just rude imo.