Overbearing MIL

[Bella2255]

Help!!!! I have an overbearing mother in law..... whenever she visits she outstays her welcome and demands on spending the WHOLE day sat on my sofa, and never takes hints it's time to leave. Our takeaway for dinner arrived once at 9pm and she still sat there and just asked to have some.....! She also let herself into my house once when visiting and ran herself a bath while I was out.... I find this behaviour so odd!!!!

She would sleepover if she could but I put a stop to it when our baby arrived as it was too intense.... She as a person is very negative, judgemental and I fundamentally disagree with most things which come out her mouth, and I find her negativity draining. My husband says she is the ONLY family member he wants to maintain a relationship with and I have to get on board..... she wants to see our 8 MO every other weekend.... but I find this too much! What about my family, friends, time together as a family?? There aren't enough weekends as it is. She lives 1.5 hours away so visits are never a quick pop in..... and my husband says we can't expect her to drive all this way and "just stay a couple of hours". My husband has a very stressful job, works long hours and works usually on Saturdays too, so we hardly get any family time as it is.

I am returning to work soon and there is the possible option for her to come and look after our 8MO for a morning each week on a Friday, but the Friday afternoons I'm planning to be off work and have some much needed 1-1 time with me and my baby girl, and I worry I'll be having to make excuses to get her out the door every week! I don't want to seem like I'm dictating to her when she can and can't come over but I am starting to have serious anxiety every time I know she's coming.....☹️.

She is alone and really has no social life, so when she comes here she loves to extend the visit for as long as possible. Most of the time I'm upstairs in the bath getting ready for bed and she's still sat on the sofa - not making any attempt to leave ! It's really becoming an issue between me and my husband.

Any suggestions would be welcome 😢

I get it OP.

I have made plans for myself so my husband stays with her and the baby... and I use the time to do something productive for myself. It does take the pressure off massively, but then she has messaged me the next day and said she's sad we didn't get time together and ask when can we catch up! So it works, but doesn't work.... if that makes sense 🙄

I understand, but if she does some childcare for you based on what you have said about her not seeing you if you go out, will she still want to come over on the weekend to see you both?
Once you are back at work it will be hard to sit around all day.

Can she not come every other weekend and stay the night? Least that way you get one weekend off. She’s elderly and lonely

Also I’d take the time to do something for your self, go to the gym, meet a friend. But also spend a few hours with her. If she says about meeting up like she did when you did that before just say you’re too busy. Once you’re back at work you will be too busy. It’s really tough as it’s horrible to think of a parent lonely. Is your mum on her own?

I wouldn’t want ANYONE over every other weekend, no matter how much I liked them! That’s absolutely ridiculous, imo. When are you supposed to have time as a nuclear family? What about your family? Everyone else has to fit around MIL? I think not, especially when you’re back at work!

Why does your husband value his mother’s feelings more than yours?

I feel your pain, my MIL is very overbearing too. She lives an hour away and insists on staying over. Then the next day she will hang around, take her dog for a walk here as it's 'cleaner', shop at our Aldi even though she lives a few mins from two large stores.

I wouldn't mind but she's an awful woman and is very rude. Doesn't lift a finger and lets me wait in her hand and foot.

She's a wonderful grandmother but that's where it ends.

Regarding your Fridays, I would either have a very direct conversation beforehand to say you expect her to leave midday as you want 1-1 time or just go another route. My MIL would do this, she would sleep over and then not leave the next day when I wanted previous time with my son. I would drop hints but she would just ignore them and when I eventually had the conversation about it she got super defensive and offended and didn't speak to me for weeks.

Be careful to set your stall out from the off.

If you know she’s coming let DH know you’ve already made plans to see your parents and let him wait on mummy all weekend. You take baby there. If she messages you, say “My parents are missing out with you visiting every two weeks and DH and I don’t get any time alone as it is. This is how it’s going to be from now on, and it’s nice to get a hand with the baby, and have someone look after me for a change.”

I don’t think you sound mean. I think you sound at the end of your tether. I think if it is your husband wanting the relationship, then he needs to be the one to facilitate it.

Initially I thought you would be crazy to let her do the childcare but what if she slept over on the Thursday night. I know making her visits weekly might sound even worse for you, but it might be less annoying than her Sat all day on the sofa at weekends. And she might (I know this is a big might) be less needy if she knows she’s getting a weekly sleepover.

Not sure if she works, but if she does and drove down after it she’d get to you for 7/8ish. I know your husbands works long hours, but he’ll have to figure out how to get home earlier on a Thursday to entertain her. You stick to your normal evening routine. Get her to chip in with washing up. Making up her own bed etc. You’re there but you are less available. You don’t wait in her.

She looks after child Friday morning. Then you have classes, appointments with child so you go out.

It’s not ideal, but it does giver her time with her son and grandchild every week, and goes to use up your weekend.

Also in your head you need to differentiate between guest and close family. Guests visit rarely and get waited on. Close family can visit often, but are expected to pitch in, get their own drinks etc. You can’t visit as often as close family, but expect to be waited on like a guest.

You need some boundaries to make it sustainable.

You need to put some parameters on her visits, it's the fact that you never know when it will end that makes you anxious.

Get DH to tell her she needs to leave by 5pm so you can do the baby's nighttime routine.

Tell her to arrive after 10am because you have a family walk Saturday morning. Or whatever.

Once a fortnight isn't a lot. I think to some extent you need to suck it up as long as she isn't harmful or abusive. Put it back on DH to host, take yourself out at least half the visits.

If she wants to catch up separately, just say how much you're looking forward to her visit the next fortnight. You don't need to make a date with her.

Just get used to disappointing her, you're going to have to. You can't get control back without disappointment for her so just ride out her displeasure.

Find other things you could do to stay in touch that you don't find draining. You could set up a WhatsApp group and post photos of DD every day. Send her postcards. Get DH to call her.

She does sound a bit full on but then don't use her for childcare

Differentiating between guest and family is a good point.... the problem is she has never tidied up or offered to help... so I naturally host her all the while. In 7 years she has not once cooked me a meal!!! But I need to put onus back on her and stop making her visits like coming to a hotel !

@StarsSand thank you, I found your message really helpful and understanding xx

I agree you need something to do - just low key like Friday afternoon you and some girlfriends are catching up with babies, at a house or in a park. Perhaps get a couple of friends on board Ie let them know in case you need an actual house to take baby to… will she leave while you’re out or hang around at your house on her own?

I'm going to go with you don't really have a MiL problem, you have a DH problem.

Your DH wants to remain in contact with his mother, then he can do that on his time. She doesn't know when to leave, the your DH tells her to go.

Letting herself into your home and running a bath? What the actual???!?!?!?!?!? Why couldn't she have a bath in her place?

I don't know how old she is but really that isn't important. She is overstepping your boundaries, and for that, I would insist on her returning the key (or simply changing the lock) but I actually think that won't make a blind bit of difference because I feel that your DH will provide her with a replacement key behind your back, which is why I think you have a DH problem and his mother is the manifestation of that problem.

OP Why don't you clear off to friend's house when she is coming and stay over. I am sure your husband will get sick of this and start to put the situation right. He won't want to be alone with her for that length of time. Put the ball firmly in his court. I am sure there will be a compromise somewhere, and he just needs to find it

My MIL would have moved in with us, given half a chance (how she would have squared it with her h, I have no idea!); actually, at one point I felt like she wanted to sleep in our bedroom with us and watch! Nevertheless, she was rude to me all the time but in that sweet little old lady doesn't mean anything sort of way which actually means a very great deal.

DH always left the 'entertaining' of her to me, he said he couldn't really stand being in the same room with her for more than about 5 minutes ("and yet you think I should?"). Anyway, I asked her to look after dd while I worked 3 mornings a fortnight, and my mum did 3 mornings a fortnight too. I'd have seen more of my own mum if I could but MIL always checked how long my mum had been here for and sometimes also turned up out of turn to check dd didn't prefer my mum..... it was ridiculous.

One day, exhausted, insulted, fed up to the eye teeth with the whole thing, I snapped. I grabbed my book, bag and coat and ran out and sat and had a coffee on my own in a local café. Bliss. I stayed there for about 3 hours, reading, caffeinating myself, and calming emotionally.

When I got home, all was quiet. MIL and sFIL gone. I told dh I wasn't doing it any more. As he was so determined that his mum see dd (rightly so, grandma and grandchild can be v important bond) then he had to facilitate it. He didn't want MIL at our place, so he'd take dd to theirs.

I don't think you sound mean or unreasonable at all...I think there must be a few MIL's on mumsnet with a chip on their shoulder! I agree that you and your DH need to be in agreement with how to manage this, which may involve some compromise on both sides. Any communication should be from him as you will come across as the bad guy. I wound say absolutely no to childcare as this will be a recipie for disaster, and will also massively compromise any boundaries you are trying to put in place. I think essentially you have to be kind, honest and quite direct.

You want one to one time with dd on a Fri afternoon. MIL will probably be pleased to spend time with dd helping but also want some adult company too as she doesnt have same social life. It is a recipe for disaster ad you can't chase her out the door after she has been helping with childcare.

I would ask her to help on a different day. Then after work you take baby for bath and some quality time while dh has dinner and chat with his mum.

Why dont you have her to look after the baby at her house. Then you can collect and go

She's said the only day she can do is a Friday morning..... it was the only time I didn't want! But again it's all about meeting her needs and wants....

Sorry that message above was for @Ellie1015 ! Xx

This made me laugh! If we don't laugh... we'll cry, right?! I can definitely relate.... my MIL started showing us her "on the floor stretches" her physio had got her doing once on our bedroom floor before we were going to bed. I thought I was in a bad dream.

I think I'm at breaking point at the moment, and having a baby seems to have amplified things over the last 8 months.

For anyone else reading, and saying I'm mean.... she does have another son, and 3 older grandchildren who she couldn't care less about. She doesn't make any effort with them. When she has seen them all she does is slag them off "their ungrateful, the girl is a brat".... Their house is also not as nice and accommodating as mine has been.... she has other options but it suits her much better coming here.

OP,

Very difficult situation for you.

You have a child and you have a husband with fragile MH.

Your MIL sounds very selfish and self absorbed but your boundaries are poor and by trying to keep everyone happy you are going to become very stressed and unhappy yourself.

It sounds to me as if you are trying to protect your husband from the truth but your own MH will suffer.

Your child needs one well parent and everyone is being put ahead of your child and yourself.

You will crack and you will find yourself very unhappy and rethinking your marriage if this continues.

You need to tell your husband the truth.
If he can't cope and support you then he is now another responsibility and you are his carer.

Tip toeing around everyone will not work.

You need to be honest.

She comes too often and for too long and her negativity is putting a huge strain on you.

She is not going to mind your child.
Do not entertain this.

Get your key back and why she had it ever, is beyond me.

Do you want this to be your life?

36 years on and she is still going on about her ex even though her son had a nervous breakdown?

I wouldn't want her in my home at all and I would put myself and my child first.

Tell your husband that he is to start going to visit her in HER home, but you need a break from her.

Your husband is part of the problem and sounds like he puts himself first, just like his mother.

You need to mind yourself because no one else is going to.

Op my mam like this. Its bloody draining. Agree strict boundaries. My sister had her at xmas it was like another child! People dont get it if their parents easy