Overbearing MIL

[Bella2255]

Help!!!! I have an overbearing mother in law..... whenever she visits she outstays her welcome and demands on spending the WHOLE day sat on my sofa, and never takes hints it's time to leave. Our takeaway for dinner arrived once at 9pm and she still sat there and just asked to have some.....! She also let herself into my house once when visiting and ran herself a bath while I was out.... I find this behaviour so odd!!!!

She would sleepover if she could but I put a stop to it when our baby arrived as it was too intense.... She as a person is very negative, judgemental and I fundamentally disagree with most things which come out her mouth, and I find her negativity draining. My husband says she is the ONLY family member he wants to maintain a relationship with and I have to get on board..... she wants to see our 8 MO every other weekend.... but I find this too much! What about my family, friends, time together as a family?? There aren't enough weekends as it is. She lives 1.5 hours away so visits are never a quick pop in..... and my husband says we can't expect her to drive all this way and "just stay a couple of hours". My husband has a very stressful job, works long hours and works usually on Saturdays too, so we hardly get any family time as it is.

I am returning to work soon and there is the possible option for her to come and look after our 8MO for a morning each week on a Friday, but the Friday afternoons I'm planning to be off work and have some much needed 1-1 time with me and my baby girl, and I worry I'll be having to make excuses to get her out the door every week! I don't want to seem like I'm dictating to her when she can and can't come over but I am starting to have serious anxiety every time I know she's coming.....☹️.

She is alone and really has no social life, so when she comes here she loves to extend the visit for as long as possible. Most of the time I'm upstairs in the bath getting ready for bed and she's still sat on the sofa - not making any attempt to leave ! It's really becoming an issue between me and my husband.

Any suggestions would be welcome 😢

Stop waiting on her hand and foot. Let her sit there till she’s forced of get up and make herself food.

don’t be in when she wants to come around.

it’s very nice your husband wants her to be around, whilst he’s not.

You need to make plans and do things you want, and not be running around after her.

and if she says she wants to spend time with you, tell her you can meet for coffee but you’re busy otherwise. Or just say you’re busy if you don’t want to meet up with her.

she’s your husbands mother and his responsibility, it’s nice if you make an effort for her but not your job to be bending over backwards making yourself unhappy so she has somewhere to hang out and be waited on.

Reminds me of a friend who told me her MIL did that. Friend didn’t know where to look as MIL’s skirt was riding up, her and her husband just stared hard at the ground and pretended it want happening.

same friends MIL would have massive arguments with friends husband if he bought her gifts, he once came home from work with red currants for friend and MIL engineered an argument accusing her son of hating her.

it was very bizarre. In the end friends cut off all contact with MIL.

If the only day she can do is Friday then I would say no thanks to the help that day. You have to prioritise your afternoon with dd. Unless work would allow you a different afternoon off?

I get it, OP.
The thing about the physio exercises made me lol, sounds like something my MIL would do too. Once when she was staying at ours mine got her underwear out of her suitcase to show me.
My DH also had a mental breakdown which was exacerbated by MIL (very long and quite upsetting backstory) and I am navigating how to set healthy boundaries to protect my DH and my marriage, while not going doollaly myself and parenting a toddler. Just wanted to say you have my sympathies, it's really hard.

You are going to have to put your foot down. She's not taking the hints.

Or even a better idea - when is her b day coming up? Can you buy a present for a class (art / knitting) etc close to her own home on a Friday at 3pm? So she has to get out of your house? That way she will be social able and not be lonely and she's seen the baby too?

I'd be very wary of childcare - as she can throw the argument back in your face. Personally I wouldn't agree to it.

Good luck - you can only be so kind for so long and then it totally dominates you and you snap. You have a right to your own life and not be made to facilitate someone else's happiness. She needs to improve her own life and not jump in yours ....

You don't sound mean or hard work. I don't know where people are getting that from, but take no notice of them.

Your MIL is the hard work one. Why does she have a key to your house? Neither my PILs nor my parents ever had a key to any houses we have lived in and wouldn't have wanted one. I'd suggest you change the locks to stop her just letting herself in, with DH on pain of death to not give her a new key. It should help get the message across that you no longer intend to be her skivvy.

Thank you @billy1966 you have read the situation accurately. My husband is very selfish in nature, I am the complete opposite which is why it works okay for us, but I can't entertain his selfish mother any longer. I am going to be open and honest with him, I have to as I think it's gone too far now. I need to stand up for myself more and be firm with my boundaries, I realise this. Thank you

Just wanted to add that I think @billy1966 's advice is on point and I'm glad to see it has resonated with you, OP

Sorry to hear your having a hard time too. Setting boundaries really is hard when it doesn't come naturally or something you've not had to do before. I am a people pleaser by nature which is part of the problem. I've let my boundaries be overstepped too many times. When I was pregnant she demanded to come and see my on my DUE DATE. I was fat, tired and exhausted, and naturally didn't want her there if I did go into labour! It was the first time I said "no" to her and she wasn't happy.... (where was my feelings in her thought process here?). I've been gradually stepping back ever since.

My MIL also made comments about how big her chest is before and when she used to sleepover would reference us "not wanting to see her in her bra" and weird things like that.... very, very odd!!!!

Nothing mean about this at all, Except that MIL and H are expecting you to make all the concessions.
Say no to the Friday. It's going to turn in to a Thursday night sleepover every single sodding week.
Boundaries now need putting in place because it will never stop otherwise. See her when you want to see her. Your are with your H, you a not married to her and you have the right to want space and time away from her.

Can your husband take your child to her every other week ? Then it sorts out the time limits, and allows her to bond without the time hassle.

I’d also give FaceTime a really strong try : you promise half an hour every other day on FaceTime with your DD.
My grandmother is in another country and absolutely lives for it, it makes her feel like she really matters in baby’s life.
Especially as baby will get older it’s great and plenty enough for bonding at that age.

Tell her when baby is older she can take him with days out for great activities, as they already have a strong bond. It does have to be frequent FaceTime though, but half an hour is plenty enough for an 8 yo.

Theres lots of stuff you can add about baby really needing a strict routine right now or he won’t sleep well, I mean use all the baby reasons in the book. So the FaceTime has to be at the same half hour every time

If your husband wants to continue the next half hour of FaceTime, up to him.

And stop the babysitting though.

If she’s coming every other week anyway, doesn’t change anything that they go to hers. It’s his responsibility, and they can quietly chat while nap.
Use the need for routines again, you’re trying every other week to try a little difference because you care about their bond, but baby is priority.

You’re also important : having an eight month old with you having constant anxiety levels isn’t good for baby.
You don’t have to lay it all down in huge details to your DH but he should be capable of understanding the basics

You don’t even have to make it all about MIL (honestly in this situation you and your baby are the priority, too bad if you have to say a half truth ?

Your husband had a breakdown didn’t he ? Book an appointment with a GP and tell DH you feel on the verge of the breakdown, and the GP said you also needed a lot of peace to yourself and a steady routine (which is what the GP would probably say anyway)

I doubt he’d be thrilled about the idea of having to take over all baby needs if you’re unwell.

Sorry, I know I’m not painting him in the best light here, while not knowing your circumstances.

He needs to man up. He can actually have his cake and eat it if he’s the one taking baby to her every fortnight, and you do the FaceTime, he’s lucky.

The suggestion of intense FaceTime is to show her how much you actually do care about their bond.
Love-bombing in a way.
Add an occasional photo or video of funny moments.

The hardest part is setting those initial boundaries in a way that makes her happy, then they’ll really probably adapt with time (once toddler she can take him to soft play or whatever). It means you plan her to be permanent in his life, it’s just ‘for now’ that baby especially with routine (you can drag that on given the age for a while). Make the conversations all about detailed information, all about baby’s day to the point of what was for dinner.

Just please do build boundaries, your baby is the perfect age for that.
I understand it’s hard for you, just keep repeating to yourself in your head ‘it’s for baby’s wellbeing and nothing matters more’

You deserve better than this selfish man and I have no doubt that you will realise this more clearly as you age.

Selfish men are ten a penny and he really isn't any prize.

You deserve so much better than him.

Just another man who works long hours but expects his wife to put up with his awful mother.

I am nearly 60 so can see further down the road.

This selfish man and his mother are spoiling this special time with your baby, and you will regret that.

You are very wrong that a really selfish person works with a very unselfish one.

Eventually you will see his selfish ugliness very clearly, and you will see you and your child are not his priority.

He is his priority.
Everything is about him.

I'm glad to read you are going back to work.
You need to be financially independent and you need to have rock solid contraception.

As you age his selfishness will become a lot less attractive and you will want more for you and your child.

I think you would hugely benefit from reading up on assertiveness and maybe do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Some counselling would be great too.

He likely targeted you because of your empathy and poor boundaries.

He's not a good man and he has an awful mother, two big black marks against him.

I'm not saying leave him, but I am saying you need to protect yourself from him and his mother, they are, and will, hollow you out, and leave you very stressed.

You deserve better, so protect yourself.

I feel your pain op. My mil just walked in through the door and is sat on my sofa ignoring everyone on her phone like she also lives here.
When you find a way let me know. It's so bloody rude!

First of all, I'd be taking my house key back as she has shown she can't be trusted with it.
I wouldn't start the Fridays as I guarantee she will take this as an addition to the normal
Weekends and agree with others that she would likely try to start working a sleepover in too. I would just say it doesn't work for you so you will look at nursery places which can take your child on a different day.

I would also start planting the seed before she comes about when she needs to leave. I'm sure you have appointments/ baby groups/ errands that need to be done in the afternoon... best to let her know before she comes and make sure they are most weeks so she comes to expect it. Hard to fit everything in once you're back at work so she will need to accept that you don't have the same amount of time anymore.

Also just be upfront and say you need time alone as a family, as time is so precious now and you won't be able to facilitate her as often. Make sure DH says the same too

If she watches your baby on Friday mornings and she lives 1.5 hours away, sorry to say, you're going to have to plan on her being there from Thursday evening...so she's sleeping over at least one night a week. Every week. That's the unhappy reality of that "plan". His mother, his problem. If he's not there, then she can't be either. He doesn't want to do any of the heavy lifting so why should you do it for him? You're already taking care of everything else (including managing your own family). Make yourself unavailable for anything more than once a month (which is already very generous) and only if your husband is present. And make him plan it...then you can be sure it will never happen, lol.

Yes I do agree. I feel as though I'm left to do it all some days, and this includes maintaining^ the relationship he so desperately wants! I'm going to put my foot down I've decided. This thread has helped give me the confidence to do it. 🙏🏻^

I have suggested if he wants to see his dear mother this weekend, he should go there to visit as I need some space... I'm sure by Saturday he will of decided he would much rather go to the gym and watch the football at home instead 🙄

I said to her on Saturday it wasn't suitable for her to come as needed time as a family (my husband was working in the morning) so we already had lost half a day with him... yet she still insisted on coming. I said no and put my foot down.... I also said she needs to consider when I go back to work our weekends are going to be even busier. She rang my husband and said she feels like I'm giving her ultimatums, she doesn't like the fact I dictate when she can come over and "got really upset" on the phone to him 🙄. I've had enough now and have sent a long message to my husband today explaining my feelings. My needs are not going to be put last anymore, I've had enough!

Sorry your going through similar! I know I'm not the only one.... it really is a very complex and frustrating relationship to navigate!!!! Hope she didn't stay all night 🙄

She had a tantrum because she was told "no". The piece to remember is that she has no power over you. You're an adult and not her child. Your husband may be her child, but he is no longer A Child. You are The Grownups we always feared and respected as children. Unfortunately, MIL hasn't acknowledged receipt of the memo that she's no longer calling the shots/not in charge - especially with you. There's only so much time in a day, a week, a month, a year...your family of (3) takes priority. She's not the priority any longer - there simply isn't enough time to fit everyone in AFTER your own family time if you keep letting her call the shots. Treat her like the toddler you'll soon have. Tantrums do not get rewarded.

Well done OP.

You need to answer any statements about her being "so upset" with "you need to go and visit your mother on your down time", on a loop.

She is not your mother and not your responsibility to keep happy.

Lots of selfish men do this, push THEIR responsibility towards their parents onto the people pleaser wife they DELIBERATELY chose to marry.

Selfish men always marry a type that they know they can manipulate and bully into putting them and their needs first.

I bet he won't go at the weekend but he thinks its ok to bully you into spending your precious time with his mother?

Not on.

Spell it out to him and talk about him and his mother causing you upset and stress.

This is going to be your life, if you don't push back and show him that you will not be bullied.

Selfish men only get it when their wives tell them they aren't happy, their feelings are changing because they are so selfish, they are thinking it might be easier going it alone without the stress of them and their selfishness...........

Selfish men only change and buck up because of self interest and not wanting things to change for them.

Unless you are very firm and show him you have steel, you will have your life ruined by him and his mother.

The cheek of your husband, having had a nervous breakdown which you helped him through to be putting you through this stressful bullshit with his mother.

You sound like such a great woman, you deserve so much better than this.

Know your value and treasure this precious life you have.

His awful mother is nothing to you and your child, so push back hard OR be swallowed up by both of them and their selfishness.

Think about packing up and going to stay with your mother for some "space to think" if he refuses to get it.

Returning to work is stressful enough without this.

I doubt he'll be doing much to help with the baby when you go back to work?

Make sure you don't get caught for cooking a meal every night on top of everything else.

With both of you working it makes sense to feed yourselves.

Having to cook is not a responsibility you need at the end of a long day and then having a baby to look after.

You're NOT mean, I too have a MIL who has no boundaries and no shame.

She treats our house like a hotel, not lifting a finger and expecting me to run around after her, cook her meals, make her drinks and tidy up after. She has also arranged family gatherings and parties at our house without discussing it with us first and then leaving us to do and pay for everything!!! She lies, attention seeks and manipulates to get her own way, my other half falls for it every time and is made to feel guilty / responsible for her.

Over the years it's worn thin, I can just about cope with her for a few hours but she recently stayed for 2 weeks (it was supposed to be 1 night) and I was at my wits end. I worked late most nights just to avoid going home and I even considered staying with a friend, my anxiety was through the roof.

I initially thought it was my problem but my SIL's partner recently admitted to me that she feels the same about her.

I have no advice on how to deal with this, it's an awkward situation and I still haven't figured it out but you're not on your own and your feelings are justified.

Thank you.... really useful comments I am taking on board. I outlined clearly to him yesterday in a long message my issues and expectations moving forward. I shared the message with my sister and she said it also sounded like a bit of a cry for help, as I said how it's now impacting my mental health and I need his support in changing things. It's the first time I've been firm and brutally honest about the situation and probably only done this because I've been pushed to my limit. I need to work on taking action before I get to this point moving forward.

It makes sense your point around selfish men only changing when there is a risk to their lives being upset or changed... I was scared to send the message (only as I know how protective he is of his dear mother!), but I thought enough is enough.... my feelings need to come first. Hopefully he'll see now how much of an impact it's having on me.

I said if he wants to see his mother this weekend suggest he takes our daughter to her, as while both his mother AND I are clearly upset we need to find a resolution we're all comfortable with and should have some space until then. I feel a mix of worry "am I over reacting" (probably the people pleaser in me creeping in), combined with a sense of empowerment knowing I am taking some control back.

I am considering roles and responsibilities when I go back to work, as I do worry the balance of work will be tipped in my favour. I am mindful and considering this before we get there.