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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

These messages are not innocent right ?

139 replies

anu22 · 05/02/2023 06:48

Don't know why but decided to snoop DH phone tonight- not something I usually do
Anyway found Facebook messenger messages between him and a mutual acquaintance- who I thought he only knew in passing and who I knew better via other mums / mutual friends. She even brought her son to my sons birthday party in September

So even to begin with the messaging was fucking weird as never mentioned and acted like they barely knew one another

We'd bumped into her out last night and he'd messaged her to say she looked great today !!

Further messaging on the surface innocent but def a flirty tone. One in particular about how her husband doesn't like mine and she says well we gave him good reason and then hints about a night out when watchful eyes said they'd been a bit naughty and she'd taken advantage of a drunk man.

My heart is literally pounding out of my chest I feel like I'm having a heart attack right now.

I took pics of the messages anyway. There is absolutely no way these are purely innocent even if they're just flirting a bit I'm so devastated I can't sleep

OP posts:
Jellybean23 · 05/02/2023 12:07

I'd definitely tell her husband

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:09

Jellybean23 · 05/02/2023 12:07

I'd definitely tell her husband

Why? I don't get this way of thinking. OP has enough to deal with herself. The woman's relationship and husband have nothing to do with her. Why complicate it further when it's already a bewildering and hurtful situation?

SouperNoodle · 05/02/2023 12:13

I'd send the photos to her husband and then tell DH to leave or you'll have him removed

Jellybean23 · 05/02/2023 12:18

Watchkeys,* *something similar happened to my friend. She met up with the other woman's husband and they pieced together what had been going on. The woman's husband was actually very grateful, he'd suspected something but wasn't sure. Somehow it gave them more peace knowing they were going through it together. I'd want to know if my husband had been doing similar.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:22

I can see how the other partner might want to know, but 'doing someone else a favour' is probably a bit tough for OP, when she's not even doing herself a favour yet.

'Making friends' with and getting support from the other partner isn't really a possibility upon which to base your actions.

It might have worked for your friend, but by the same token, I could advise someone with very little money to put everything on a horse: it worked for my friend. It doesn't make it good or strong advice though.

billy1966 · 05/02/2023 12:24

Jellybean23 · 05/02/2023 12:18

Watchkeys,* *something similar happened to my friend. She met up with the other woman's husband and they pieced together what had been going on. The woman's husband was actually very grateful, he'd suspected something but wasn't sure. Somehow it gave them more peace knowing they were going through it together. I'd want to know if my husband had been doing similar.

I agree.

I would want to know this, I think most people would.
He's clearly suspicious.

What he does with the information is his own business.

IAmJob84 · 05/02/2023 12:26

It's not. It happened to me. I'm in the UK. Its very valid and useful advice.

Jellybean23 · 05/02/2023 12:27

My friend and the other husband were able to compare when the spouses were going out and see if it coincided. She would have been eaten up just not knowing if they were still meeting up after promising it was over. She's not with him now.

mommatoone · 05/02/2023 12:29

Lousy bastards. So sorry OP. Yeh id just forward the texts to her husband as well , watch the shit show unfold for them two. Take care of yourself and your children x

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:31

It could also equally turn out that she approaches the other spouse and ends up with a brick through the window or threats or some sort of bullying tactics, or simply being told to get lost.

If talking to the other spouse is helpful, great. But there's no guarantee it would be, and it has a lot of potential for inviting further drama into OP's life, to no avail. OP's responsibility is to look after herself and her children. The other spouse is an adult and is responsible for their own relationship. It's not OP's business to interfere with someone else's marriage when she has so much to get her head around within hers.

Sandra1984 · 05/02/2023 12:32

SouperNoodle · 05/02/2023 12:13

I'd send the photos to her husband and then tell DH to leave or you'll have him removed

I think it all depends on your financial situation. If you’re financially independent and have your ducks in a row you’ll be able to Rock the boat as much as you want but if you’re not you might want to thread carefully and put those ducks in a row before you kick him out or royally piss him off.

Christmaspyjamas · 05/02/2023 12:32

Some of the advice on what to do on these threads is always psychotic and dramatic! And totally impractical.

I imagine OP having already confronted partner some hours ago and texted the OW is going to be most focused on those conversations immediately.

Bemyclementine · 05/02/2023 12:39

@anu22 has she replied yet, or read your message?

Original poster
anu22 · 05/02/2023 12:41

I deleted it as someone advised earlier. He's trying to minimize it as a bit of flirting and liking the attention but promises nothing happened no idea what the stuff about the night out was etc. I said I don't believe you. And told him he needed to go out as I didn't want yo be around him.
Prob won't return to the thread again im all over the place don't know where to put myself

OP posts:
Claudiawinklemansfringe · 05/02/2023 12:43

OP, tell the husband. Years ago, I found my ExH had been having an affair with a married colleague, after digging around for divorce evidence early one morning when I couldn't sleep thinking about it, I found email messages saying how much he loved her and she him. So, in a fit of anger, I printed them out and went to her house. I waited for her husband to set off for work, waved him down and told him about the affair and showed him the messages. Had never met the guy before, he was so nice but surprisingly NOT shocked as he immediately told me that he thought she had had another affair before my ex but my emails were the first evidence he had seen. He was grateful and very kind to me, asking if I was ok. Honestly, I have no regrets whatsoever about telling him about his 'D'W. OW's husband and I both kicked out our exes that same day and subsequently divorced them. Get your ducks in a row, be the grey rock to them both. Good luck Flowers

Bemyclementine · 05/02/2023 12:45

Oh sorry I didn't see that. Its really difficult to know the truth of it, and I think sometimes these threads can get carried away.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It could very well be "just" texting abd attention etc, but personally I'm not the sort of person that could get over it. 💐

Zipps · 05/02/2023 12:58

It would be the end for me, trust is shattered and I am not dramatic. I wouldn't be able to get past the "Naughty" thing which he will minimise until he has succeeded in making you doubt that anything did. Then he will be extra careful next time.
Messaging another woman to tell her how good she looked! Ugh.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this worm?
I would 100% tell her husband and kick him out.

Choconut · 05/02/2023 13:07

Ask him exactly how he's given her husband reason not to like him and what she means when she says they'd been a bit naughty. They've obviously done something more than flirt, I wouldn't trust anything he says for a second.

I would also send her message to her husband.

Tamarindtree · 05/02/2023 13:09

He is a disgusting low life carrying on behind your back. To what degree you may never know but it is a breach of trust and a disregard for your feelings and a complete lack of respect for you.

The fact that you know her and even bumped into her and he carried on a pretence is absolutely disgusting and he is not worthy of your love or attention.

You only have one life, don’t waste it on this horrible man.

XelaM · 05/02/2023 13:09

Remagirl · 05/02/2023 07:47

I'd be tempted to send the images to her and ask her wtf is this about. I'd also say you are about to forward them to her husband too. Why should you be the only one feeling upset 😢

I'd do this

Fireingrate · 05/02/2023 13:12

OP what is your situation? Are you in your home country? Are you financially dependent? You need to think clearly before making decisions.

Don’t be sucked into the drama and escalation suggested on this thread. Posters here are acting out their own revenge fantasies, safe in the knowledge they will never have to live with the consequences.

ElizaDoolittle77 · 05/02/2023 13:16

Fireingrate · 05/02/2023 13:12

OP what is your situation? Are you in your home country? Are you financially dependent? You need to think clearly before making decisions.

Don’t be sucked into the drama and escalation suggested on this thread. Posters here are acting out their own revenge fantasies, safe in the knowledge they will never have to live with the consequences.

Exactly this! Please think carefully before doing anything too dramatic. Hope you are ok

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 13:17

anu22 · 05/02/2023 12:41

I deleted it as someone advised earlier. He's trying to minimize it as a bit of flirting and liking the attention but promises nothing happened no idea what the stuff about the night out was etc. I said I don't believe you. And told him he needed to go out as I didn't want yo be around him.
Prob won't return to the thread again im all over the place don't know where to put myself

It's good not to get pulled into the drama of some on the thread, OP. Glad to hear you'll be taking time to gather yourself and that you've told him you don't believe him. That's all you need for now. Do everything you can to keep your composure; you'll thank yourself for it down the line.

menopausalbloat · 05/02/2023 14:23

I'd have round her house and shown her husband. Then asked for a meeting of families so the twats had a chance to explain.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/02/2023 15:20

Love, forget about the woman’s husband and concentrate on your own relationship.

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