Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

These messages are not innocent right ?

139 replies

anu22 · 05/02/2023 06:48

Don't know why but decided to snoop DH phone tonight- not something I usually do
Anyway found Facebook messenger messages between him and a mutual acquaintance- who I thought he only knew in passing and who I knew better via other mums / mutual friends. She even brought her son to my sons birthday party in September

So even to begin with the messaging was fucking weird as never mentioned and acted like they barely knew one another

We'd bumped into her out last night and he'd messaged her to say she looked great today !!

Further messaging on the surface innocent but def a flirty tone. One in particular about how her husband doesn't like mine and she says well we gave him good reason and then hints about a night out when watchful eyes said they'd been a bit naughty and she'd taken advantage of a drunk man.

My heart is literally pounding out of my chest I feel like I'm having a heart attack right now.

I took pics of the messages anyway. There is absolutely no way these are purely innocent even if they're just flirting a bit I'm so devastated I can't sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
anu22 · 05/02/2023 07:56

He said have you been going through my phone and I just said who cares

OP posts:
Original poster
anu22 · 05/02/2023 07:57

He was acting all confused but he messaged her TODAY saying she looked good last night

OP posts:
cunderthunt1 · 05/02/2023 07:57

Ugh he's gonna turn it on you and make you out to be a bunny boiler going through his phone, how cliche

purpleypinkwitch · 05/02/2023 07:57

I'd call his bluff and say a friend of yours saw them on the night out they'd referred to and she told you what she'd seen. Then ask him to describe exactly what happened that night.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 07:58

You need to keep your dignity. Your husband is having an affair. Sending messages to put the shits up her isn't really doing you any favours. You're making drama. Work out what you need to do, and get the ball rolling. Doing things to make people feel bad isn't dignified or self respecting, whatever they've done.

Be cool and clever, not rash.

Do you want to stay with him?

elloelloellooooo · 05/02/2023 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LadyHarmby · 05/02/2023 08:01

You need to keep your dignity. Your husband is having an affair. Sending messages to put the shits up her isn't really doing you any favours. You're making drama. Work out what you need to do, and get the ball rolling. Doing things to make people feel bad isn't dignified or self respecting, whatever they've done

Absolutely this. Stop pratting around with mysterious comments to people and deal with this properly.

FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 08:01

And ref the phone, you should say "why do you ask if I've been looking through your phone?"

fruitstick · 05/02/2023 08:01

I'd delete the message to her. Having a deleted message from you will worry her more, and you keep the higher ground.

I message a couple of DHs friends about books they might be interested in etc, if any of them ever commented on my appearance I'd run for the hills.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Don't admit to looking at his phone, he'll just deflect about your snooping.

Say they were seen together and see what happens.

BlastedPimples · 05/02/2023 08:02

I'd start the ball rolling and contact a solicitor asap.

I'd also get STI check.

I'd be icy as fuck.

He messing around behind your back.

These messages are a huge betrayal and it's clear they've gone beyond messages.

Pair of lovestruck teenagers. Pathetic.

Make sure he knows he's lost everything.

Completely untrustworthy.

FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 08:03

Actually, as others are saying, it had probably got to the point of deciding if you want to be with him or not now and what you're going to do about it. As they've said, if you can, be calm , but that's easier said than done.

Allblackeverythingalways · 05/02/2023 08:07

Ducks in a row now.
Calm down, be practical
Clinical.

ZekeZeke · 05/02/2023 08:08

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Do you have a close friend or family member you can speak with?
Remember you did nothing wrong, this is all him.
Don't misplace your anger by being angry with the OW, she isn't married to you, she didn't break any nows to you, this is entirely on him.

He will try to minimise everything as harmless but those messages are not harmless.

If he deletes messages/photos etc you will know there is 100% more to this.

I would have messaged the OW and her husband too.
Stay strong OP.

Buildingthefuture · 05/02/2023 08:15

I don’t think it sounds like they are having an affair exactly - but it’s obviously some kind of seedy, ego boosting “oh we both fancy each other, aren’t we naughty” type drivel.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to just leave him to sleep. I’d have him up and out the house with immediate effect. I would bet my life that he hasn’t thought through the implications of what he’s doing. He’s told himself “oh it’s only xyz, I’m not really doing anything that bad” Well, he’s about to find out just how bad it is! Shitty behaviour has consequences. Get him out, then take some time to take stock and decide what you want. I think now he’s been discovered he will drop her like a sack of shit but there is absolutely no way to rug sweep this. His behaviour is appalling and, even if you did decide you wanted to stay with him, he’d have a mountain to climb to restore your respect for him. Has he got the balls to do the work? I’m sorry this is happening to you op, what a pair of utter cunts.

JustDrama · 05/02/2023 08:18

Men are shit aren't they. Sorry you're going through this OP. It's happened to me although a long time ago. Why don't they just leave and say sorry it's not working. The minute you start to look elsewhere you are not in the right relationship.

Robotik · 05/02/2023 08:20

purpleypinkwitch · 05/02/2023 07:57

I'd call his bluff and say a friend of yours saw them on the night out they'd referred to and she told you what she'd seen. Then ask him to describe exactly what happened that night.

This!

Original poster
anu22 · 05/02/2023 08:20

@Buildingthefuture that's kind of what I think too but it feels just as bad ! I'm lying here thinking I know he'll refuse to go tomorrow if I ask him too so I might just have to pack a bag and disappear for a few days (don't want the kids to worry though)

OP posts:
LavenderSloe · 05/02/2023 08:21

Sounds like a drunken night out and something happened, initiated by her not him. But he's continued messaging since. Either way - definitely needs confronting and doesn't sound like you'll want to be with him after. The fact he asked if you'd been through his phone means he knows exactly and isn't going to totally deny it.

borisescomb · 05/02/2023 08:26

Agree with previous posters, don't be drawn into the drama. Be cool, calm and collected. It may have been a drunken mistake but the fact that the messaging has continued beyond that would be a deal breaker for me. He's a shit and so is she. I'm sorry you're going through this. Remember you are the innocent party here and when he tries to accuse you of snooping at his phone you need to shrug it off. Don't be drawn into a row about it. In fact don't even admit to it. Let him wonder how you know.

fdp86 · 05/02/2023 08:27

Urgh, finding shit like th I s can be so damaging for families. So sorry. No advice, but whatever you decide, I'm
sure it will be the right choice x

MayThe4th · 05/02/2023 08:28

I’d message the husband first and ask him what he knows. And suggest he looks at her phone. Then wait.

ZekeZeke · 05/02/2023 08:35

He will minimise and blame alcohol however, they have continued to message and flirt. You cannot blame alcohol for messaging saying how great she looked the previous day.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/02/2023 08:37

well we gave him good reason and then hints about a night out when watchful eyes said they'd been a bit naughty and she'd taken advantage of a drunk man.

So they've fucked. It's not just flirty messages. They've actually fucked is what that says to me.

Buildingthefuture · 05/02/2023 08:37

@anu22 - it is just as bad. Betrayal is betrayal and it’s devastating. Be prepared for at least a few days of minimising and denying. He’s been doing some fairly significant mental gymnastics to justify to himself what he knows, somewhere in his soul, is utterly fucking out of order. It will take a while for him to actually face the reality and the consequences of his actions and you need to protect yourself. None of this is on you, not one bit. Do not listen to any shite which puts the blame on you. I would tell him if he wants to have ANY chance of salvaging the relationship he needs to leave NOW. if he refuses….that speaks volumes. And I disagree with previous poster about not being angry with the OW. I think in your situation, I would have more than enough anger for both of them! She knew he was with you and that you have DC and she is married too. She’s equally as vile as him! I would absolutely be messaging her DH too. Stay strong op, you will get through it xx

Beach11 · 05/02/2023 08:38

Stay strong op. The will both deny anything has happened. Could you ask her husband why he dislikes yours?

Swipe left for the next trending thread