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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

These messages are not innocent right ?

139 replies

anu22 · 05/02/2023 06:48

Don't know why but decided to snoop DH phone tonight- not something I usually do
Anyway found Facebook messenger messages between him and a mutual acquaintance- who I thought he only knew in passing and who I knew better via other mums / mutual friends. She even brought her son to my sons birthday party in September

So even to begin with the messaging was fucking weird as never mentioned and acted like they barely knew one another

We'd bumped into her out last night and he'd messaged her to say she looked great today !!

Further messaging on the surface innocent but def a flirty tone. One in particular about how her husband doesn't like mine and she says well we gave him good reason and then hints about a night out when watchful eyes said they'd been a bit naughty and she'd taken advantage of a drunk man.

My heart is literally pounding out of my chest I feel like I'm having a heart attack right now.

I took pics of the messages anyway. There is absolutely no way these are purely innocent even if they're just flirting a bit I'm so devastated I can't sleep

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/02/2023 08:41

anu22 · 05/02/2023 08:20

@Buildingthefuture that's kind of what I think too but it feels just as bad ! I'm lying here thinking I know he'll refuse to go tomorrow if I ask him too so I might just have to pack a bag and disappear for a few days (don't want the kids to worry though)

He should be leaving, not you. Do you have a father or a brother that can come around and encourage him to leave? I would say he's leaving or else you will post the screenshots to his friends, colleagues etc. I would NOT take no for an answer, he leaves. That' it.

Theos · 05/02/2023 08:42

They’ve already hooked up

applebee33 · 05/02/2023 08:47

If it was me I'd be sending her a screen shot of their messages and asking what's this ? I'd also be confronting him , he is def up to something

Riverlee · 05/02/2023 08:47

The most innocent explanation is that on a night out, she came onto him whilst drunk and other people saw. Maybe it was a friendly conversation that went a bit far. Since then, they’ve been in touch because he didn’t want it to go further, and hence had n’t told you. However, then he texted the good looking comment. Mmmm.

OrangePurple · 05/02/2023 08:56

anu22 · 05/02/2023 07:55

Sent her a WhatsApp saying I had no idea you and H name were such good mates
So she can wake up and shit herself about that

Well done girl!! Look, you need to work out what you want from this marriage. Do you want to end it, because this is a good lever. Do you want to make it work? Then this is a good starting point to start therapy or whatever

cunderthunt1 · 05/02/2023 09:01

Sleep with her husband

THisbackwithavengeance · 05/02/2023 09:15

Well done OP. So pleased you called them both out. Next thing will be to send the texts to her DH. The pair of sly bastards!

purpleypinkwitch · 05/02/2023 09:18

this

purpleypinkwitch · 05/02/2023 09:20

cunderthunt1 · 05/02/2023 09:01

Sleep with her husband

this!

hockeysticks89 · 05/02/2023 09:31

Here's what I wished I'd have done
'I know about you and xx, and from the second I found out, our relationship ended. I want nothing more than to formalise our split and seek a divorce. If you leave today I won't put the screenshots on Facebook with your friends all tagged on and inform her husband. I don't wish to get into any other discussions with you'

Zonder · 05/02/2023 09:45

hockeysticks89 · 05/02/2023 09:31

Here's what I wished I'd have done
'I know about you and xx, and from the second I found out, our relationship ended. I want nothing more than to formalise our split and seek a divorce. If you leave today I won't put the screenshots on Facebook with your friends all tagged on and inform her husband. I don't wish to get into any other discussions with you'

Good move.

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 09:58

JustDrama · 05/02/2023 08:18

Men are shit aren't they. Sorry you're going through this OP. It's happened to me although a long time ago. Why don't they just leave and say sorry it's not working. The minute you start to look elsewhere you are not in the right relationship.

Women have affairs too, and this is just one man. Leave the generalisations out, OP's situation is her own and not a political statement.

Figgygal · 05/02/2023 10:01

Why message her? Just have it out with him hes your problem not her.
I dont get the need to play games

ShimmeringShirts · 05/02/2023 10:04

Do not abandon your children for a few days, if he decides you’ve split up with him he could refuse to let you back in the house and you no longer have primary residency of your children.

Notaboutthebass · 05/02/2023 10:18

Please don't leave your children. Kick him out.

LizzeyBenett · 05/02/2023 10:20

Cheating now days can be done through messages and online or at least that's how it starts. Definitely trust your gut there's no good reason for those messages .

Emmamoo89 · 05/02/2023 10:28

Definitely kick him out and send her the messages x

Maryquitecontrary55 · 05/02/2023 10:32

Send the photos of the messages to her, her husband and your husband. Why would you do anything else?

Sometimeswinning · 05/02/2023 10:34

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 09:58

Women have affairs too, and this is just one man. Leave the generalisations out, OP's situation is her own and not a political statement.

Show quote history

I think you missed the point and may need to educate yourself as why women are usually the most vulnerable in a relationship children/work/not married/financially dependent. Men can and do take advantage of this. Honestly, you're on mumsnet have a read!

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 05/02/2023 10:41

shit that’s awful

I’d delete the text to her and never speak to her again. Leave it as “deleted”. yeah just tell him to get out. He’ll be all “you’re overrrwcting can’t believe you looked at my phone, I’m allowed friends” blah blah

but their friendship/relationship has deliberately been kept secret from you. Deliberately.

all that “watchful eyes” comment says to me they’ve actually started hooking up or getting physically close to one another

just tell him to get out for a bit. I couldn’t ever trust him again. What a creep.

ShakespearesBlister · 05/02/2023 10:41

Looks like she got some sleep in the end?

DamnThatHitsHome · 05/02/2023 10:44

Another vote for send the messages to her husband, for two reasons:

  1. he deserves to know just as much as you deserve to know

  2. by the sounds of it, he may have some pieces of a jigsaw that he hasn’t been able to put together yet but triangulation of your info and his could be enough evidence to be solid in your mind

And tell your cheating scumbag to fuck off for a while to consider the consequences of his actions. I can guarantee he’ll choose you over her.

parlourb · 05/02/2023 10:47

Buildingthefuture · 05/02/2023 08:15

I don’t think it sounds like they are having an affair exactly - but it’s obviously some kind of seedy, ego boosting “oh we both fancy each other, aren’t we naughty” type drivel.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to just leave him to sleep. I’d have him up and out the house with immediate effect. I would bet my life that he hasn’t thought through the implications of what he’s doing. He’s told himself “oh it’s only xyz, I’m not really doing anything that bad” Well, he’s about to find out just how bad it is! Shitty behaviour has consequences. Get him out, then take some time to take stock and decide what you want. I think now he’s been discovered he will drop her like a sack of shit but there is absolutely no way to rug sweep this. His behaviour is appalling and, even if you did decide you wanted to stay with him, he’d have a mountain to climb to restore your respect for him. Has he got the balls to do the work? I’m sorry this is happening to you op, what a pair of utter cunts.

This is a really good post

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 11:04

@Sometimeswinning

Thank you, you're so wise.

Salsi · 05/02/2023 11:11

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 11:04

@Sometimeswinning

Thank you, you're so wise.

Yes, she really is wise. And right. 🙄 Sorry you are going through this OP.