Is infidelity immoral and if so should society be involved or is it a strictly personal matter?

[mids2019]

Infidelity seems to be one of the few areas in life where psychological harm can be brought to bear against another. In some societies infidelity is viewed as a criminal act or at least viewed negatively.

In liberal societies infidelity is a strictly personal matter and society does not act as a stakeholder in the relationship with no civil penalty for unfaithfulness.

Do you think this is the right balance or should infidelity be thought if as a moral wrong by others? We take a dim view of people parking badly but as a society do we hav we to he same default respinse to infideliity?

Without penalty in the first sentence

Interesting question. There's two married people openly having an affair at work and I've been disgusted with how everyone has been "it's none of my business". How humiliating for their partners and kids. I hope I never have to meet them

Seriously no one’s business other than those involved or directly affected.

I think it's strict religious societies that view it as immoral and penalise it... Along with lots of other activities. As such, I'd rather things stay as they are.

And although I've been the victim of adultery, I don't think it should be a criminal offense. At the time I might have wished otherwise though.

I think you’re wrong about “liberal societies”, at least if you’re referring to the U.K. There’s lots of penalties suffered by the unfaithful. Ostracism and divorce, for instance.
I’m personally fairly happy with where the line is drawn in our society between unsavoury behaviour and criminal behaviour.

I think I read in America, in the Navy you can go to jail for adultery.

Technically marriage is a contract and there tends to be punishment or fines when you break a contract so 🤷 🤔.

I don't think in situations where society punishes people for infidelity it's generally because of the psychological harm to the partner, it's because of the perceived promiscuity, which I don't think is a good thing.

I think broadly the balance is right. People do judge others for cheating in the same way they judge others for doing any hurtful things to others, but at the same time context is key and there are scenarios where people might feel the cheater has behaved less reprehensibly than others, or that they simply don't know enough about the circumstances to judge. I think that's fair enough. I don't think there should be any legal punishments for cheating, as you say, it's a personal matter.

The stock response to infidelity in modern society is that it's nobodies business. Maybe this is correct but do we ( or should we) look at adulters in a negative light and they should feel a sense guilt to society at large?

For instance if nfidelity was socially embarrassing and you risked ostracism to an extent would that actually make those contemplating an affair think again?

It is viewed negatively though isn't it? Certainly in my social circle.

Ending a relationship in any way can potentially cause psychological harm but society can't expect people to stay in relationships when they don't want to for fear of hurting the other person

Love hurts sometimes

No. The state should not be punishing moral "offenses". See Iran.

I don't for a moment condone infidelity or underestimate its effects on innocent parties, but it's not a matter for the law. There are a million shades of grey for a start. Do we imprison or fine the woman who, having been beaten and raped by her husband for decades, has sought comfort and safety in someone else's arms? Does the state judge every individual backstory? And what happens when the powers that be decide other moral choices are offensive or harmful to society? Like dressing a particular way or reading particular books etc.

It's a slippery slope to a place I don't want to be.

In my opinion, it is morally reprehensible. I do wish that in divorce proceedings, a cheater would get their comeuppance but in our culture now it is sadly viewed as just being life, ok to be an a hole, cause horrible hurt and mental anguish and no one should be concerned with the injured party having to miraculously get over it right away, never feel offended as well as happily get sling with the cheater and their affair partner.

I think we hold politicians (Boris/Hancock) and the Royals (Charles) as 'lesser' for infidelity. Certainly doesn't seem to be viewed as none of our business.
I see adultery as morally wrong, doesn't everyone?

So, infidelity is undoubtedly messy, painful and probably always a rubbish idea. However, people are human and fallible. People change. If you have been cheated on and you wish said cheater something slow, painful and likely to make his todger drop off, fair enough. Is it society’s job to shun and punish him? Only if you are in, or want to liv in, a totalitarian society - not a price I’d wish to pay personally.

Interesting question.

I hadn't really though about it but your comparison to someone parking badly is quite stark.

I don't think people do judge morally. My ex husband had an affair. Some of our mutual friends took a dim view of him for a short period and he lost a bit of face at work for a brief while but none of it was lasting.

I, however, have ended close friendships when I found out they were cheating because I just don't want to know people capable of behaving like that.

We have laws to prevent abuse within marriages e.g. coercive control or domestic violence yet serial cheating is not criminal (and therefore not abusive?)

I agree it's an incredibly sensitive area of society and there aren't easy answers.

Yes, agree - it is generally society punishing promiscuity, not the fact that the partner was hurt..... and guess who tends to be punished more? Outcast by society. Stripped of social status, and even murdered? The women of course.

I don't think this is something to be nostalgic for.

@Shesasuperfreak
Yes, I recall a US military commanding officer in Phnom Penh telling his married men that they would be written up for infidelity.

We do judge cheaters as a society. Look at this forum, obviously lots of people do heavily judge people for cheating. We don't know everyone's circumstances though and no I don't think treating one person badly should mean someone is automatically ostracised from all society. Lots of people at some point in their life treat somebody badly, but it doesn't define them and they are capable of being good. Serial cheaters already do get judged.

I don't agree that it should be anything worse than judgment.

Phnom Penh even

History has shown that when infidelity is a criminal matter, it becomes another stick with which to hit women. Men are rarely held to the same account.

What's even worse is most of the time it's near impossible to prove. Which means it's an easy lie to tell.

Making it illegal nearly always hurts women the most.

The civil 'penalty' is divorce.

I personally think it's a social construction to be so 'hurt' by 'infidelity'.

I think it's oppressive for one person to dictate to another who they can and can't have sex with.

If everyone stopped having these unrealistic expectations of monogamy society would be a whole lot happier.

Human beings arent naturally monogamous.

It’s interesting because where I grew up (both location and social), one of the most immoral acts you can do is be a grass. Snitches really do get stitches. So anybody who found out out about infidelity and told others about it have done fairly significant consequences.

The point I’m making is that there is no common set of morals in modern society. So to judge people as a society on a moral judgement is wrong. That’s why we have laws.

Of course, you feel free to judge people against your own moral standards and treat them accordingly, as will I. But society doing it is a different matter.

History has shown that when infidelity is a criminal matter, it becomes another stick with which to hit women

Literally, in some societies. And yet it still goes on.

Yes I agree if infidelity was a criminal matter it would likely be women who would suffer the most as is the case in most societies that police sexual morality.
I also think there are lots of ways people can cause psychological harm to each other. Bullying in school or work, constant undermining in a relationship, being a crap parent, and also behaviours that aren’t immoral - like no longer wanting to have sex with your partner, or breaking up without infidelity.