Is infidelity immoral and if so should society be involved or is it a strictly personal matter?

[mids2019]

Infidelity seems to be one of the few areas in life where psychological harm can be brought to bear against another. In some societies infidelity is viewed as a criminal act or at least viewed negatively.

In liberal societies infidelity is a strictly personal matter and society does not act as a stakeholder in the relationship with no civil penalty for unfaithfulness.

Do you think this is the right balance or should infidelity be thought if as a moral wrong by others? We take a dim view of people parking badly but as a society do we hav we to he same default respinse to infideliity?

In society where infidelity is viewed as immoral it's always the women who come out worse. They are blamed for tempting the men and blamed worse if they stray.

So as a balance as part of a marriage that neither party has to agree to, fine, it is a commitment you make and if you break it there are bigger consequences than outside of a marriage. As long as the rules apply equally to males and females.

So as a woman it is in my own gender interests for it to remain personal.

The stock response to infidelity in modern society is that it's nobodies business.

It isn't. You're failing to distinguish between "disapproving of something" and "thinking that it should be made illegal to do something".

And then you would end up like those countries where if a woman is raped, if she doesn’t have witnesses she is convicted of adultery.

How do you propose we prove infidelity exactly?

You would just be opening up the gates to abusers to use it as a further abuse tactics. Enough abusers accuse their partners of infidelity, if there was legal recourse you could by they would use it as a further threat to punish them with.

Added to which not all affairs are black and white. It may not be particularly edifying but it’s how it is.

And around 65% of people cheat on their partners. That’s a lot of criminals.

I think it's a personal matter and that the state and courts should stay out of what happens between consenting adults because I don't think we should be opening the door to state involvement in adult sex lives.

Additionally, emotional affairs can do a huge amount of emotional damage, as can negative family dynamics, as can the fall out from contesting wills, but is it really the job of the courts to prevent feelings being hurt?

It isn't. You're failing to distinguish between "disapproving of something" and "thinking that it should be made illegal to do something"

I'd love to know how OP thinks it could be policed - morality courts, perhaps.

I do think cheating is morally wrong particularly if you are married. I’m old-fashioned enough to believe you should keep a promise. I do think less of people who cheat on their partners but I wouldn’t grass on anyone, probably just withdraw from them.

I think it's an utterly vile thing to do and absolutely judge people who do so.

I do think it's immoral and it is generally frowned upon but I also think most people would opt to not get involved, unless it were eg a very close friend or family member being cheated on.

You can’t create a law that makes something more embarrassing OP.

Adultery is already embarrassing and no it doesn’t stop people doing it.

I presume you have some skin in this game, but a good rule for lawmaking is only make the laws that are actually necessary for society to function, else you will simply drive whatever behaviour you want to avoid underground, see drugs and abortion for details. Adultery is already fairly cloak and dagger so it would make no difference.

Sex is a powerful human driver, and nothing you ever legislate for will change that, unless you want to go and live in Iran. Which you don’t.

I really don’t think it could or should be policed by law. We (in the uk) do not live under sharia law and morality police is a slippery slope. Personally, I think it’s morally reprehensible. I absolutely understand that life is not black and white and that there are many reasons, some of them arguably valid, why people commit infidelity. But, in some cases, it’s such a wilfully abusive act? I don’t want to be anywhere near it. I would never cheat on my DH and I would never entertain a married/committed man. Ever. Personally, I think that the world would be a much better place if those in relationships (men and women) just kept their pants on and focussed their attention on their partner. But I think I might be in the minority…..

I do think that infidelity often involves some emotionally abusive behaviours - gaslighting being the major one.

But no, it shouldn't be a legal matter beyond divorce. As pps have said, women always come out worse from that sort of law-making.

Would serial infidelity be viewed as potentially criminal under coercive control legislation if it humiliated
or psychologically harmed a spouse?

I mean I doubt it would ever get to court but it shows that on a theoretical basis there may be some legal issues if it was deemed cruel behaviour?

Do you know that previously in the UK a man could divorce his wife for infidelity. A woman had to prove infidelity AND cruelty to divorce her husband.

@Twizbe

So infedility in itself is not cruel but other behaviours are? Do we therefore have to look at what the word cruel means?

It's absolutely nobody's business. Enforcing fidelity by law is the stuff of terrifying dictatorships.

Women already bear the harshest judgement for all sexual behaviour in liberal societies. Making it even more misogynist won't help anyone's marriage.

@mids2019 I'm just pointing out that the law in this country used to demand women find extra cruelty to hold their husbands to account. Men just needed the adultery.

Women always come off worse in these situations.

It is nobody else's business though as you don't know what other couples have discussed/agreed between them. Most people don't have a 'I can't be arsed to sleep with my other half anymore so told her to knock herself out shagging my brother Keith' tattoo on their forehead

I think infidelity is utterly reprehensible, but looking at those societies where it is a matter of criminal law I am absolutely opposed to bringing it into the justice system in any way.

Infidelity seems to be one of the few areas in life where psychological harm can be brought to bear against another

This is such a ridiculous statement.

I don't see how jailing someone for adultery is helpful. It is only going to split up families and push the other half into single parent poverty.

Even if you were going to leave them anyway (and that's a big if), it means any child maintenance payments will have just gone too.

Criminalising people doesn't seem to serve any benefit to me but I do think we have become too socially permissive of infidelity and I really see this in two ways:

1. There is a general expectation on the betrayed spouse that they will "get over it" quite quickly and if their ex stays with the other person that they should normalise relations with them at some point. Society seems to be quite intolerant of people being angry that they have been betrayed.

1. That it is considered not reasonable to judge a cheater's general reliability and trustworthiness on the basis that they have been deceptive towards their spouse, particularly when that has involved significant deceptive behaviour over a long period of time.

On the flip side of this, couples who wanted to divorce but had no grounds used to fake the adultery. One partner would book into a hotel and sign in with an assumed name and accomplice of the opposite sex. The bill would just happen to be found by the spouse giving them the grounds.

You are naive. In societies where infidelity is punished, it’s almost entirely women who are punished, whilst men happily fuck away. The infidelity prohibition is about controlling women.

Strictly personal.

@Twizbe I'm sure that would work now for some people who want to escape but don't want to be the 'bad guy'