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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Times you've just had to laugh at a narc

142 replies

LittlemissMama67 · 02/02/2023 11:09

We all know that narcissistic abuse is not funny and I don't want to make light of the abuse. And a lot of what they do is very very damaging. I'm permanently scarred from some of bullshit this man put me through but sometimes they're just pathetic, and it's ok to look back and laugh and say wow you're really just an insecure small dicked little man aren't you 😂👌🏻

This is a place to share funny shit your narcissistic partner/ ex partner/ parent/ friend/ acquaintance whoever has done and you've just had to laugh at how pathetic they are. I'll go first.

8 years ago I broke up with my sons dad, text book narc, abusive physically too. He was awful. A month after I left he roped me back in with promises of change, of love respect and kindness, a family unit all that crap. So like the silly young girl I was I went back. I went into the house and he said to me before you start unpacking I need to give you something. I was like oh ok and I followed him up stairs to the bedroom, where he with a straight face handed me a piece of paper. It was headed.

"Contract to move back in"

Dated the lot, he'd hand written me a contract to sign, of rules I had to agree to follow in order to be allowed to move back in. It even had signed and a little dotted line at the bottom for me to sign. He'd put some effort into it. They were as follows

  1. The house has to be clean at all times
  1. My dinner is ready when I get home everyday
  1. No arguing (by that he meant no calling him out on shitty behaviour, so basically allowing him to treat me like shit)
  1. I do not have to help with looking after the baby that is solely your job
  1. I'm allowed to play my Xbox as much as I want
  1. You are not allowed to spend any money out of the joint account (this was also my only bank account, where all my wages were paid into, he didn't want me to touch it)

And lastly this was the one that sent me over the edge

  1. None of your friends or family are allowed in the house ever again

I read it looked at him handed it back and said do you really expect me to sign this? He said well you can't move back in if you don't and I said well I'm not moving back in then am I? 🤔 obviously do I look like a mug to you??

He genuinely thought I'd happily sign it. I took a picture of it for comedy value with my friends and left. Done and dusted

OP posts:
Moonbeam23 · 08/02/2023 07:41

I'm trying to co-parent with a narcissist it's really draining but not so long ago he looked me square in the face and said its not my fault I'm a narcissist and I just looked shocked and laughed. Then he came out with some BS about me telling everyone he's a narc for sympathy. He tells me he's doing me a favour when he has contact with our DD who is 2 I try the grey rock approach but find it so hard once I just lost it and did to him what he always does to me I didn't give him the chance to belittle me or a chance to say anything but then he played the victim card and still does. What is it with narcs being ill or in pain everyday he's got a new pain somewhere or he's got a cold and he hated it when me and my toddler got covid both times.

MissMarplesbag · 08/02/2023 08:03

5thWisdom · 02/02/2023 22:23

The "stealing you" examples are what have compelled me to add to the thread.
I never actually realised this was part of this PD.

Narc #1 bought the same breed dog and named it the same name (think random obscure other language than English name) once I eventually left him for good with a dog I'd bought whilst we were together and named in my native language.

Narc #2 bought identical everything to kit out his flat that I'd bought at the house I had to rent after he threw me out and changed locks during lockdown. Down to the same kitchen bin. Yes I took him back, let him into my house, only for the craziness to continue for a few more months which is where he managed to copy everything I owned for his own place. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. It doesn't matter. I just need to work out why I'm attracted to these weirdos.

I do appreciate the sentiment of the thread though. It's bonkers what we go through and if we don't laugh, we'll cry.

@5thWisdom this might help you identify why you are drawn to abusive men:
www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php&ved=2ahUKEwj89qj9uoX9AhWjTEEAHSoaDlYQFnoECB8QAQ&usg=AOvVaw1tgWMRtAtFOyIHzGYtSj5C

Oldraver · 08/02/2023 12:10

My ex did the copying thing but with the new girlfriend (who was very sweet and lovely)

They turned up in the club we used to go to and bought her over to show me the new shoes she had. Exact same as mine, and these were unusual Buffaloes with sparkly glitter something you would have to go out of your way to find. We both just laughed and said twins, took the wind right if his sails

Then he bought her over a couple of times to show me her new piercings and suddenly she got new tattoos. I had told him about a set of piercings I had planned and how I wanted to use them. Blow me a few months later I saw on some videos she had the exact same ones

My friends thought it hilarious but I often wonder what she thought, thought she adored him and they are now married

BensonStabler · 08/02/2023 18:21

UB40andaglassofwine · 03/02/2023 10:54

My ex Narc told me I wasn't allowed to wear sunglasses because he couldn't see who I was looking at. He thinks women wear sunglasses so they can check out other men behind dark lenses. The dick head!

Mine did the exact same! mental 🙄

wellpaddedintherear · 08/02/2023 18:33

My mother is a narc
i went into labour with pfb about 9:30pm (ish) and gave birth just after 11pm
She was the first person we rang to tell her that she was now a granny to my dd and she had a go at me for giving birth long after her bedtime
shed ‘had’ to wait up (she’s normally in bed for 8:30pm) and it was all my fault that she’d be tired the next day

i just laughed and she had another go at me for finding it funny

OldFan · 08/02/2023 21:27

@wellpaddedintherear lol!

CrystalBall80 · 08/02/2023 22:59

My narc ex left me 8 days before I gave birth to our DS (claiming mental health issues but it transpired a year later that he was having an affair). Anyway, he would come home every few days, throw something in the oven for me to eat and hold our son for five minutes or so. One time he came back, I hadn’t slept for days, he stared at me silently for a few seconds before saying, ‘Do you think you should book a visit to the spa for some treatments? You’re really not looking your best.’ I moved 300 miles away after that. Life is good and narc free now ❤

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/02/2023 23:45

He told everybody who couldn't get away fast enough that he was seriously concerned for my mental health because I hadn't reacted correctly to his announcing that he was leaving, which had to mean that I was planning to murder the children, cats and set fire to my flat.

What I had actually done was hold my own counsel for seven months whilst he was teeing up the next mug (I knew what he was capable of, so wasn't about to risk becoming a statistic by trying to get his mates at the local Nick to remove him), quietly put money into savings and paid slightly over the actual bill amounts on important accounts to get them into credit and start applying for jobs, so that when he chose his moment, intended for maximum distress and financial strain, I just said 'Oh. Binbags're under the sink' and wandered off with my coffee whilst he bagged up his own shit.

When he finally drove off, I waited ten minutes before punching the air and doing a happy little dance once I was certain he had actually gone.

Being told that he was so 'concerned' by somebody in the school playground and that her husband had blocked him immediately afterwards because 'He always thought he was a bit of a prick anyhow' made me laugh.

JambalayaOrGumbo · 09/02/2023 01:19

My 64 year old sister is still irritated at 62 year old me (and has been a narc bitch to me my whole life) because my name is nicer than hers 🙄

katepilar · 09/02/2023 10:08

When my father looked seriously bothered that I didnt offer him a pair of stockings after I offered them to my mother and sister /while getting ready for a wedding/ , that was when it finally sank in that there is something seriously wrong with him. He said in an sad and offended voice that he too wanted stockings /he didnt really want the stockings but the attention/.

Later he was jealous that his daughter didnt ask him the same way as she did ask his then 6 month old grandson about a tummy ache. And complained that nobody is changing his nappy (!?) when the said grandson had a nappychange at a family outing.

I am not at the laughing stage yet but though these are interesting to share.

LittlemissMama67 · 09/02/2023 10:13

katepilar · 09/02/2023 10:08

When my father looked seriously bothered that I didnt offer him a pair of stockings after I offered them to my mother and sister /while getting ready for a wedding/ , that was when it finally sank in that there is something seriously wrong with him. He said in an sad and offended voice that he too wanted stockings /he didnt really want the stockings but the attention/.

Later he was jealous that his daughter didnt ask him the same way as she did ask his then 6 month old grandson about a tummy ache. And complained that nobody is changing his nappy (!?) when the said grandson had a nappychange at a family outing.

I am not at the laughing stage yet but though these are interesting to share.

Wow!!

OP posts:
wellpaddedintherear · 09/02/2023 10:20

JambalayaOrGumbo · 09/02/2023 01:19

My 64 year old sister is still irritated at 62 year old me (and has been a narc bitch to me my whole life) because my name is nicer than hers 🙄

My mother once had a go at me for my name-as it’s much nicer than hers

she fucking chose it!

Soopermum1 · 09/02/2023 11:03

My narc ex claims I split him and his girlfriend up. I never had any contact with her, other than her messaging me to tell me what a terrible person I am. I didn't even reply to that 🤷‍♀️

Picklypickles · 09/02/2023 12:55

My DP's brother is the biggest narc I've had the displeasure of knowing, I could write a book about him! He lives in Oz so thankfully the times we've actually had to spend any time around him have been few and far between.

First time I met him he was over visiting and staying with the oldest brother, he kepy phoning my DP (youngest brother) and making all kinds of ridiculous demands such as being taken to McDonalds at 1am or phoning at 4.30pm demanding to be taken to a gift shop at Hadrians Wall which was about an hours drive away and throwing an epic tantrum when DP said shop would be closed by the time they got there. Best part was DP didn't even own a car, I did, and his brother just made the assumption that what was mine was DP's and by extension his!

Then he announced he and his partner were getting married in Crete and he wanted DP as his best man. The next year was an endless barrage of ridiculous demands. They wanted the oldest brothers daughter as their bridesmaid, however they didn't want his partners children there until the older brother basically said "well I'm not coming then". Constant demands from him in Australia to my DP to go here there and everywhere to do this and get that for him in the UK.

When we all arrive in Crete for the wedding narc brother collected us from the airport and took us back to the apartments they had rented out for their family. The brides family are Greek and speak no English, they forced us all after almost 24hrs of travel to spend the night "socialising" with her family and would not let any of us go to bed. He kept trying to force us to eat ALL the food the Greek family had brought or "THEY WILL BE OFFENDED!". The rest of our time there we had to jump every time he clicked his fingers lest the Greek family got offended. His demands included that me and DP went to town right away to fetch medication for brides sister, RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT ASKING I'M TELLING". Any time anybody tried to go anywhere without his permission he kicked off, once following us down to the beach and squaring up to both of his brothers trying to start a punch up. He demanded that his brothers HAD to perform a stupid fucking dance with the bridesmaids at the wedding (DP has arthritis in his knees and flat feet!) or they'd be RUINING his wedding. He demanded the night before the ceremony that I had to drive one of the cars ferrying family members to and from the wedding. I didn't want to, had not driven a car with everything on the wrong side and on the wrong side of the road before and was quite frankly terrified, but he bullied me into it by screaming in my face that I'd be RUINING his wedding by refusing to comply.

On the day itself he turfed his aunt and cousin out of their ground floor apartment as he decided that's the room he wanted for he and his groomsmen to get ready. They took so long that they only left about 10 minutes for his aunt and cousin to get ready, they didn't even have time to do their hair or make-up and were inevitably late getting going, I was the one driving them and he was calling me every 5 minutes screaming down the phone at me that I HAD to get them in the car right NOW, I was RUINING his wedding. Eventually his other aunt took the phone off of me and told him to stop bullying me.

He and his wife behaved appallingly to his family and hers to the point nobody was speaking to them after the wedding, we actually did spend a fair amount of time getting to know the brides family despite the language barrier, turns out they weren't at all offended by anything any of us had done and were shocked and horrified that he had been saying that about them.

Most recently he came back to the UK and noticed for the first time that his mother was potentially suffering with dementia and took it upon himself to swoop in like some kind of saviour and "saving her" which looked like him taking her pension and buying a load of ready meals from M&S (mostly for himself) literally force-feeding her, installing cameras around her house so that he could sit in Australia watching his oldest brother and his mothers neighbour caring for her and then phoning on a daily basis to scream abuse at them about how everything they were doing was wrong. He forced his mother to allow him control of her bank account and then when he got back to Oz he blocked her from being able to use it, her neighbour was trying to get her shopping for her and he'd cancelled the bloody card!

Then she died, he came back for the funeral and blamed his older brother and the neighbour for her death. They had literally spent years looking after here, tying themselves up in knots trying to get support in place for her etc while he was barely involved, he never even sent his own mother birthday cards or called unless he wanted something.

Lastly he tried to get my DP to start sending medication to him in Oz, making promises of training my DP to work with him in his field and making lots of money. DP has autism and can be naive, me and my dad had to tell him he might potentially find himself in hot water sending all those pills to Oz. Brother was furious with me for meddling and immediately withdrew any offers of work/support for his brother until he stepped into line and did as he wanted. Now he is terribly shocked and saddened that his little brother is completely done with him - all my fault apparently!

Teelu · 09/02/2023 13:46

This is nothing on some of these stories but some of the things my ex has done:

He demanded I asked my brother to change his wedding date because he was engaged and HAD to have that date for his own wedding. DB and SIL had booked everything with deposits down and some things fully paid for. It was a large wedding with people travelling from all over the country as well as a good few flying in from other countries. Ex was just planning a quick registry office ceremony with close family (so DC also HAD to be there) and then a meal in a pub afterwards. Nothing was booked. I told him if he wanted DC there he could travel the 70ish miles to where my brother's wedding was and pick them up for later that day.

He ended up cancelling the idea of getting married that year and despite needing that exact date they didn't do it any other year either. His fiancée broke up with him a few years later.


Another time I came into some money and before I had even decided what I was going to be doing with it he bought himself a brand new phone. He gave me his old one. Thankfully I used the rest of the money for myself but I actually split up with him first.


His TV broke so he asked me and DH if he could have the one that we used to have together which was now in my new living room and was our main family TV. We even offered him an old one we had which was in our bedroom but he didn't want it as it wasn't a Sony and he would only use Sony, but if we were ok with the other brand we could go buy a new one of those for ourselves.


He also recently told me he was possibly moving in with his new partner which would be further away from us than he was. He never told me that it was actually happening, I found out through the kids that he had moved. It's actually the second time he's moved and not told me, and they had to tell me he didn't have space for them to go stay overnight anymore so he sees them even less than the rare times he saw them before. 🙄

Teelu · 09/02/2023 13:47

Sorry editing fail. I meant to remove the hyphens before posting. 🤦‍♀️

wellpaddedintherear · 09/02/2023 16:38

Sorry for hogging the thread but my narcissistic neighbour-she sits on her ring doorbell,just watching us leave/return to our house and tries to listen in if we are outside talking to our friends,makes note of any parcels the postman drops off and is just a nosey cow

she keeps banging on our door to tell us that she’s ‘speaking to your landlord!I want you out!you can find somewhere else to live!’

then she rings the police,showing them footage of us laughing at her,to tell them we abuse her (it’s her,on our doorstep,screaming at us but she ignores that bit)

she has taken to slagging us off to the other neighbours-I hear her but she’s that thick she can’t hear the tone of their voices-they just want to get away from her

we’ve done nothing at all wrong (apart from laughing at her) and we continue to live our lives normally

what the daft bitch doesn’t know,we don’t have a landlord,we own our house-she’s council

(nothing at all wrong with a council house-I was brought up in two and lived in another 3 as an adult)

we can’t be chucked out of our house-we don’t even have a mortgage-it’s fully paid for

im keeping my powder dry on this one and playing the long game

she’ll be the one with egg on her face

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