Times you've just had to laugh at a narc

[LittlemissMama67]

We all know that narcissistic abuse is not funny and I don't want to make light of the abuse. And a lot of what they do is very very damaging. I'm permanently scarred from some of bullshit this man put me through but sometimes they're just pathetic, and it's ok to look back and laugh and say wow you're really just an insecure small dicked little man aren't you 😂👌🏻

This is a place to share funny shit your narcissistic partner/ ex partner/ parent/ friend/ acquaintance whoever has done and you've just had to laugh at how pathetic they are. I'll go first.

8 years ago I broke up with my sons dad, text book narc, abusive physically too. He was awful. A month after I left he roped me back in with promises of change, of love respect and kindness, a family unit all that crap. So like the silly young girl I was I went back. I went into the house and he said to me before you start unpacking I need to give you something. I was like oh ok and I followed him up stairs to the bedroom, where he with a straight face handed me a piece of paper. It was headed.

"Contract to move back in"

Dated the lot, he'd hand written me a contract to sign, of rules I had to agree to follow in order to be allowed to move back in. It even had signed and a little dotted line at the bottom for me to sign. He'd put some effort into it. They were as follows

1. The house has to be clean at all times

1. My dinner is ready when I get home everyday

1. No arguing (by that he meant no calling him out on shitty behaviour, so basically allowing him to treat me like shit)

1. I do not have to help with looking after the baby that is solely your job

1. I'm allowed to play my Xbox as much as I want

1. You are not allowed to spend any money out of the joint account (this was also my only bank account, where all my wages were paid into, he didn't want me to touch it)

And lastly this was the one that sent me over the edge

1. None of your friends or family are allowed in the house ever again

I read it looked at him handed it back and said do you really expect me to sign this? He said well you can't move back in if you don't and I said well I'm not moving back in then am I? 🤔 obviously do I look like a mug to you??

He genuinely thought I'd happily sign it. I took a picture of it for comedy value with my friends and left. Done and dusted

Went out for a drink with my mom recently, bumped into a few of my ex work colleagues. She tried to invite herself back to a gathering at one of their houses, the guys were trying to politely refuse and I was encouraging her to get a taxi home with me. They obviously left. She physically tried to snatch my phone out of my hand so she could ring my ex colleague and demand his address. I refused, held on to my phone and got a tirade of abuse about how controlling I am. I walked home and haven't heard a peep since.

My last ever conversation with my stepmother before I went NC.
I told her I was done for good if she couldn't be nice. That she couldn't abuse us for her own entertainment anymore because we are adults and will cut them off for good.
She was outraged! She doesn't have to be nice to us!
Fine, I said. You have to be civil. Civil or no contact.
She screamed that I was disrespecting them by asking them to be civil [grin. ]
Bye forever narc.

The one I was lumbered with used to like to call me dumb and lecture me loudly and forcefully on his favourite topic.

I have a PhD in said favourite topic and more often than not he was talking a lot of nonsense.

My MIL:
"I inspire people."

OP, It has been a long time since I have laughed so hard!

What a twat thinking you would actually want to be with him so badly that you would sign that!

I think I spat my drink and peed my pants all at the same time. What a dick.

DHs sibling. DH basically lived with his mother in the last few months of her life. Sibling avoided going round and his wife went round once (they lived 5 minutes away).
When she died they told everyone they had cared for her 24 hours a day for months, how it had nearly ruined their marriage and how DH had not helped at all. How they should get all the money left for it.
Got furious with us for not agreeing with this story. Don’t speak to them.

I was told by my suspected narc parent that younger sibling was getting a thousand pound more for his much smaller wedding because of there was a pause before this was said inflation. My wedding involved me paying for it and parent gave a small amount of money (which I won't complain about). However, as always there were Ts&C's, I had to invite all their twat friends (which the money gifted didn't cover) whilst sibling was going abroad and hardly having any guests. Made me laugh. Then they said. We think that's only fair 😂

Surely the point of a friend with benefits is they have a decent dick ?

We all know that narcissistic abuse is not funny and I don't want to make light of the abuse. ... but sometimes they're just pathetic, and it's ok to look back and laugh and say wow you're really just an insecure small dicked little man aren't you

OP, I SOOO agree with this. I often recommend on here that you have to take some of this stuff and laugh about it, or play "narcissistic bingo". exBIL is horrendous and DH and I have got through some of it by laughing. Our favourite was when he was still living in the house, working part time. One of their DC was sick, he wasn't working that day and SIL was so she (obviously) told him he needed to look after the DC. To which he replied incredulously, "you want ME to look after YOUR son so you can work?" Every time either of us went to work for the 6 weeks the other one would roll out this line.

But my current favourite is their break up has been long and hard - and has been going on for about 18 months. exBIL doesn't really have any real friends of his own (well, he had one. But that one has blocked him now) and the bulk of their "couple" relationships are her friends and family. Relationships she's nurtured etc. In the last 18 months, none of these people have seen or heard from him except when he occasionally sends rants which he claims are him looking for help but really are just vile streams of vitriol aimed at SIL in which he makes all sorts of crazy claims about her.

But he cannot understand why this extended group of people are not inviting him to things. He discovered recently that one of SIL's best friends is getting married in the early summer and has not invited him. He is LIVID. And sent her a stream of text messages the other day in which he called her names, insulted her etc..... but then complained to SIL that he STILL Isn't invited to the wedding!?

You have to laugh.

After I discovered my exP was cheating, he asked if maybe I was so upset because it was 'my time of the month'? 😂

One of the funniest things I've ever witnessed was about a week after the events my original post. I'd been to the council after I left him a month earlier and spoken to a lovely lady who I explained the whole horrid situation too and she was so nice and desperate to help me get away, she said she would place me in the first suitable privately rented house that becomes available, but first I needed to claim tax credits because maternity pay wasn't gonna cut it on my own, so I applied and she said to call her the minute the money came into my account and she'd see what they had for me.

the day the money went in I called her and she offered me a house (awful house I lived in for 5 years) but at least he wasn't going to be there. Only problem was it went into that joint account so he ended up with access to my £900 and refused to let me have it, because of course although it was a joint account I didn't have a card for it.

so I went to the house with my dad but he didn't know my dad was hiding in the hall. My dad is 6ft build like a brick shit house and my ex looks like a praying mantis.

I went into the living room and asked him for my money because I had a house and needed it, he said NO obviously and started giving me shit.

que my dad walking into the room, He shat his pants changed his tune very quickly. He was like well what I mean is I can only take £300 out a day, my dad was like that's fine do you need escorted to the cash point?

My ex also had all the same interests as me when we met, one of those was photography, no I was no professional and he had a fancy very expensive camera and kit.

We talked a lot about the creative side of finding that Perfect shot, how technique was secondary to a creative eye.

Then over the years I realised that all his amazing photos were actually lifted from stock image sites think istock or Getty, I found them because I was a graphic designer often spending hours looking for images for work.

Sil demanded I put weight on before her wedding!. I'd lost a good amount of weight and at her engagement party/meal I turned up and she took one look at me, burst into tears and run out of the restaurant. I was sent home by mil with no idea what I'd done wrong. My Now exh asked later and it was because I had stolen her limelight (lol!) by being slimmer. And I was not to come to the wedding unless I put weight on.

She also over the years insisted I celebrated my birthday on a different day as she gave birth to her dc on my birthday and wanted that day just for him 😂.
But the best was giving her dd the same name as our son. Think along the lines of our son being called Charlie, her naming her dd charlotte but then insisting everyone calls her dd Charlie. I know I don't own a name but it was very confusing especially as they were so close in age and attended the same school. So she asked if we'd consider changing our ds name to Charles and just call him that from now on.

She was crackers.

Wow! It's amazing that mil couldn't see the lunacy and exH do they think this behaviour is normal? To ask you to change your child's name because they copied it and now want to claim it? Hello it's the looney bin calling 📞

@LittlemissMama67 mil was terrified of her tbh. She'd suffered years of her tantrums and manipulation.

My sisters ex was supposed to have their 2 daughters this Christmas which was originally supposed to be her year but he asked to swap, she reluctantly said yes eventually. He lives 3 hours away with his new GF. A couple of weeks later he called to say he was being posted to XYZ over Christmas (he's in the army) and he was gutted he couldn't have them. While on the same phone call he asked to speak to the oldest (7) about half later her DD came downstairs crying she went back on the phone to him to ask why her daughter was crying he said he'd told her how upset him and GF were he was going away and what not but not to worry because he'd told her she could still spend Christmas with his GF 😳

my sister rightly so told him to do one, she wasn't missing out on Christmas with her girls so they could go 3 hours away and spend it with his new GF he didn't see an issue, even his GF said it was a stupid idea.

he just wanted to upset my sister and we're not talking Christmas Day only it was from the 23rd to the 28th he was proposing. Bonkers

My first dh said our marriage failed because we weren't close enough...
As I refused to let him change my tampons...
I agree there are no words to this people..

I got 'you don't spoil me and she does.' I mean, where to even start with that? It was actually funny because he said it with such a straight face and with such a tragic voice. (And it wasn't true).

This was a 40 year old man with a senior job in finance.

Oh my god. You have to laugh.

What always amazes me is that these people genuinely, 100% think they are totally reasonable.

A friend's ex (they were in the process of a messy break up at the time and were still living int he same house) smashed his car. Blamed her (she wasn't even IN the car but he was angry after an argument). She told him he could use her car when she wasn't using it as she worked from home.

In the summer, she walks their DC to school and then goes for a run. But his was in February - ice, snow etc. He got up and took her car at 6am to go to the gym (first time he'd ever got up to go to the gym EVER) and wasn't back when she needed to go to school. His response was, "You said I could use the car and you always walk the DC to school". He repeated this to about 5 other people all of whom were incredulous. He couldn't understand why no one was on his side.

I'm now nc with dm but some of her antics:-

I had been trying for a baby with dh for a while and had a series of miscarriages, fell pregnant but it was ectopic. The day after I got out of hospital she called me in tears because no one else would understand her pain at her daughter not being able to keep a pregnancy. (I have had two very beautiful dc since).

Bought me 4 tickets for my 40th to a show she wanted to see, then told me who to invite. She ended up missing it as her friend that she invited lost her purse and she had to go back with her to look for it. She did rebook for herself to go again.

Invited herself and my dB and 2 dn on our first trip away after our second dc was born. She booked and paid for the rooms and drove them there. It was Alton Towers, we were only staying for two nights, they came for the second.

She's remarried after her and my df got divorced but declared herself chief mourner at his funeral as her husband had died. His partner was at the funeral and myself and my dB had paid for the funeral and dealt with all the legal stuff and paperwork etc. As next of kin.

Sent me my obituary that she wrote in the post to try to make a mends with me.

My ex Narc told me I wasn't allowed to wear sunglasses because he couldn't see who I was looking at. He thinks women wear sunglasses so they can check out other men behind dark lenses. The dick head!

The fuckwit i was sadly married to asked if he could bring the woman he was trying his best to have an affair with ( she wasn't interested) to our family home for Christmas, and was stunned when i said no. He had bought presents for her little boy and refused point blank to buy any for our 3 children as "it was unfair for them to have a nice Christmas if this other child wasn't going to have one"
Trying to make it up to me after i threw him out, he booked me a trip to Belgium, He was going to look after our children in our house while i had a few days away. I had everything packed the night before, he was there as i had an early start. Double checked my passport was in my bag and found it had gone, searched everywhere and of course i couldn't find it, so couldn't go. A few days later i came home to find my passport on my pillow.

It was my fault he cheated on me because I wouldn't bail/sign for him with the Guards so he had to get his affair partner to do it so he owed her not me the mother of his 2 children. I look back now & know I had a lucky escape,he sees the kids once a week & of course everything I do is wrong still but it's water off a ducks back now,I just keep note of it for future court date 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was having another of his rants at me while driving home with DC in the car, I hadn’t responded at all (knew better) he pulled over and told me to get out right now as it wasn’t fair on him I made him so mad.

what was my crime you wonder? It was my birthday and people were messaging wishing me a happy birthday and he wasn’t happy I had so many friends basically 😅🤣

My sisters ex did something similar he was in Cyprus with the army, living it up a stones throw from aya napa 🙄 while she was at home pregnant with their daughter. I wonder what a young lad on the booze with all his mates in a party place in aya napa might be up to? When he's known to cheat 🥱

anyway he told her to fly out to see him, she bought a ticket packed her stuff, half way to the airport he called and said she couldn't come because he'd been caught drink driving and his sergeant took away his privileges. While she was literally almost at the airport. She came home an hour later sobbing bless her heart. More like he shat it because he thought someone might have told her what he'd been up to.

another time they broke up briefly during that time he was talking and sleeping with someone else. They got back together one day and spent a nice day together went out for dinner and whatever. Got to about 8pm and he started putting his shoes on. She was like where are you going? And he said round (let's call her Rosie) rosies. She was like erm wtf? He said well I already had plans to see her tonight, my sister was baffled she was like and now we are back together. He couldn't see why my sister wasn't letting him go to a girls house to stay the night he's been sleeping with 😂

sat in a sulk all night, saying cheers you've made me let my mate down 🤯🤯🤯