Staying in an unhappy marriage

[Doingitforthedc]

I’ve been with DH for over 15 years. We have two dc together. One nearly finished primary and the other in their first year at high school/secondary school.
There is not enough equity in our home if we split to purchase a replacement and given I’d need to get a 3 bedroom place as the dc of opposite sex can’t share a room there’s not a hope in hell that I’d be able to afford anywhere in the schools catchment area to live even renting.
DH sleeps in the spare room due to his snoring and bar a goodnight peck on the lips, cheek or forehead there’s been no intimacy in our marriage for months. And DTD in the last few years would probably barely hit double digits.
His current contract means he’s wfh most of the week yet has never made the effort for us to have lunch together at a cafe or even at home as he has his set routine(will watch YouTube and eat) . I was keen to go to our favourite restaurant for Valentine’s Day as I’ve not been in years due to the expense and he said to me that it’s only worth the money if I “put out”
He’s a gamer and has roped in the dc so the three of them spend hours locked away in the office gaming for hours at weekends. I’ve lost count the number of times day trips have been cancelled in preference to them gaming. I will be sat in the living room after he’s said he will join me to spend time together and it’s 11pm before he surfaces from his computer. There will occasionally be a series on tv or Netflix we can watch together and as soon as that’s over we are back to square one again. It’s such a lonely existence. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to continue to live like this until the youngest finishes his A-Levels.

This sounds like a horrible environment for you, your husband and, sadly, your children

He is the one that is choosing to waste his life away gaming and bar not having as much sex as he’d like he is happy with his life

"I don’t know how I’m going to manage to continue to live like this until the youngest finishes his A-Levels".

You won't and your children and you will all be destroyed from the inside out long before that day arrives, if it ever did. If that day did arrive what then for you?. You then announce you want to separate and otherwise divorce?. Waiting for the children to go off to college or university and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Do not be afraid to move on with your life now and take your own responsibility for happiness.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. It's a shedload of damaging lessons they will then carry over into their own adult relationships. Lessons that they learnt from you two as their parents.

It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.” Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

You have a choice re this man and they do not. Do not remain in such a marriage for what are really weak and or otherwise spurious reasons; no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable and financial concerns/equity are NO reason or basis to remain within an already dead and loveless marriage. Is that what you're going to tell your kids; that you stayed with their selfish and self absorbed father because of your concerns surrounding equity?. They will call you daft for staying and wonder also of you why you put him before them.

Its not "easier" for you to stay and you also need legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce. Divorce is not failure OP: living in unhappiness is.

Have you looked in to every financial help you might be entitled to? Benefits. Child maintenance.
You count too op. Your happiness counts. IT's an important message to teach our children.

Also, as soon as they're secondary aged, childcare costs disappear and you can work full time again. If you don't already. Do the sums properly, see what you neeed to do to make it happen.

Yes but OP you are also choosing to stay in this life

Separation will mean that they will choose to live with him. The courts might not take the youngest’s wishes into account until they start high school, however I know that as soon as they do both dc will choose to stay with him. Why wouldn’t they want to game with dad and have next to no boundaries or consequences when mum is the serious one who makes them do their homework, do music practice and makes sure they both get to school on time. The gaming is not about the dc’s needs or best interests but what is best for him. I’ve been banned from taking away gaming time as discipline because it’s a direct attack on him apparently. The eldest spends far too much time on their phone watching you tube videos and DH will not back me up to try to reduce it. They were still sat on the sofa in their pj’s 20 mins before the school bus left on the first day of term.

If I separated the dc although bright would struggle to get through their GCSE’s. The eldest at least has the potential for 8’s and 9’s with some effort and study. @AttilaTheMeerkat Are you really saying life without their mum is in their best interests? DH views the Dc as his possessions he will not allow them to be taken from him. He has said so in the past.

Who is primary carer at the moment

I think, on balance, you need to push yourself to be really proactive and try to split. You will kill yourself fighting his parenting strategy for the next however many years it will take for your youngest to get through A Levels.
I advise getting legal advice about how with your house financial situation you could split. At least, if you did this, the children would have time always from their father’s influence.
Also, I think his ‘you won’t put out’ comment is horrid. you must be so unhappy being around him.

I am. DH works so as far as he’s concerned his only responsibility is to work and that I do everything else.

"If I separated the dc although bright would struggle to get through their GCSE’s. The eldest at least has the potential for 8’s and 9’s with some effort and study. @AttilaTheMeerkat Are you really saying life without their mum is in their best interests? DH views the Dc as his possessions he will not allow them to be taken from him. He has said so in the past".

I am saying that life without their abusive father in it day to day is in their best interests. He is abusive and they need to be with you primarily. Kids need structure and stability, his way of life with them will set them up to have a whole host of emotional problems as adults.

His word is not law and its not up to him to decide that the children will not be taken from him. He is using these children as weapons and as punishment against you. He does not care for anyone except his own stupid self.

It may well be too that he will have to be the one to leave and that you can remain in the marital home with your children. Stop using supposition as a way of standing still and start gaining proper knowledge on all aspects of divorcing.

@PrinceHaz the thing is I’m not sure they would get time away from dh as they would choose to live with him.
yep, the comment about putting out is disgusting, but I guarantee if I said anything I’d be accused of taking things too seriously, that I can’t take a joke etc.
He has been verbally abusive in the past so I’m reluctant to speak up. Gaslighting behaviour and manipulation are effortless to him.

"If I separated the dc although bright would struggle to get through their GCSE’s. The eldest at least has the potential for 8’s and 9’s with some effort and study".

Again this is no reason to stay with him. Exams too can be retaken if needed.

I would also think their dad's influence on them will have far more of a deleterious effect. He will quite happily wreck their life chances given any and all opportunity and you're seeing that already.

He has done a right number on you here and by degrees he has you now where he wants you; feeling trapped and controlled.

Why are you so very certain that your children would actively choose to live with him?. Has anyone actually asked them?. He's put them in a gilded cage of his own making along with you.

What does DTD mean?

Doing the deed aka sex.

Do you have a job? Can you get one now to put yourself in a better position financially? Don't assume they'll want to live with him, assumed 50:50 at least. Your eldest is only just at secondary - separating now won't necessarily have any impact on GCSE's - spending too much time gaming with no boundaries will though, which is the situation you're currently in.

You're miserable, and it's a poor environment for your kids - get out as soon as you can.

I am. DH works so as far as he’s concerned his only responsibility is to work and that I do everything else

Then it will be a huge shock to him when he has to actually parent his children. He may well be selfish but unless he's stupid he will not take his children from a home where they get their washing done, meals cooked for them, home work gets done (and whatever other mundane stuff you do to support them). And if he does, then he will bear the consequences of that when they walk all over him in the future. At least your children will grow up to respect you. Too much YouTube/gaming is not the end of the world, how will he react when they're older and refusing to get a job or doing drugs in his home for example? He will have to be bad cop at some point if they were to live with him full time.

Ah thanks I was thinking drunk till dawn and no wonder it didn't make sense lol@AttilaTheMeerkat

@Doingitforthedc there is so much truth and sadness in your post op . My heart goes out to you. You are not alone and it's not an easy decision. Mostly people think in black and whites when it comes to marital situations but in my experience I think it is more complicated than seems. As a responsible parent it's but natural for you to think about children's wellbeing. Can you book the valentines day evening or morning for yourself and family? If they don't want to in that day may be go by yourself with a book or something that you truly enjoy. I really feel that you need to do something just for yourself op.

He won't want the kids. Even if he does the bare minimum as a parent and lets them have unlimited screentime and live in a cess-pit, the parenting non-negotiables like getting them to school and organising all the school stuff, collecting them, cooking for them and doing their laundry will be too much for him.

I'd start working on a strategy to leave and how you can make the finances stack up, but in the meantime limit his influence. Get the kids out of the house for trips on weekends before he wakes up, take yourself out for a nice Valentines meal with your children, stop cooking and doing laundry for him and just leave him to it. He's not going to change so start shaping your family the way you want it without him in it.

@arethereanyleftatall i will check what I’m entitled to and see if I can see a family lawyer for some advice the next time he’s in the office.
I have gained some more freedom in the past year as I now have access to a car. We previously only had a work vehicle that I was not able to be insured on so had to walk or take public transport with the dc everywhere.

@Cupofteaforall it’s the loneliness that gets to me. Not being able to vent or even just chat to your partner and know that they care. He laughed out loud when I told him that I had tested positive for Covid. He recovered within 48 hours and I’m still have trouble with my breathing 3 months on. He actually told me that him and Ds were ok so he expects that I would be too. It’s almost like he lacks the ability to see things from anyone else’s perspective but his own. I’ve often wondered if he’s on the spectrum. The routines, the obsessive interests and the inability to see things from someone else’s perspective. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour but it would make sense given his strong family history.

Do you work part time at the moment op, when the dc are at school? If not, that will be adding to your loneliness

@Doingitforthedc thats awful and so unkind of him op.

I am not working at the moment but certainly something to do after the youngest starts high school and is more independent. I’m hoping that my health will have improved by then too. I did do some voluntary work but was booted out when the regular staff retuned from shielding. I put hours and hours of work and extra time in to organise things that nobody previously had the time to do, some of which was a safety issue and yet they discarded me at the earliest opportunity.
I’m having a bit of a pity party for one at the moment. Just feeling like a them vs me world at the moment.