Staying in an unhappy marriage

[Doingitforthedc]

I’ve been with DH for over 15 years. We have two dc together. One nearly finished primary and the other in their first year at high school/secondary school.
There is not enough equity in our home if we split to purchase a replacement and given I’d need to get a 3 bedroom place as the dc of opposite sex can’t share a room there’s not a hope in hell that I’d be able to afford anywhere in the schools catchment area to live even renting.
DH sleeps in the spare room due to his snoring and bar a goodnight peck on the lips, cheek or forehead there’s been no intimacy in our marriage for months. And DTD in the last few years would probably barely hit double digits.
His current contract means he’s wfh most of the week yet has never made the effort for us to have lunch together at a cafe or even at home as he has his set routine(will watch YouTube and eat) . I was keen to go to our favourite restaurant for Valentine’s Day as I’ve not been in years due to the expense and he said to me that it’s only worth the money if I “put out”
He’s a gamer and has roped in the dc so the three of them spend hours locked away in the office gaming for hours at weekends. I’ve lost count the number of times day trips have been cancelled in preference to them gaming. I will be sat in the living room after he’s said he will join me to spend time together and it’s 11pm before he surfaces from his computer. There will occasionally be a series on tv or Netflix we can watch together and as soon as that’s over we are back to square one again. It’s such a lonely existence. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to continue to live like this until the youngest finishes his A-Levels.

Ok. So look on this as your route to happiness. A job will bring friends...and, the money to move on from your current unhappiness.

"I was keen to go to our favourite restaurant for Valentine’s Day as I’ve not been in years due to the expense and he said to me that it’s only worth the money if I “put out”"I think I just vomited in my mouth a bit. This isn't how someone should treat the person they love. What a disgusting condition to place on you. Please get out and preserve your self-respect, you can do much better.

He doesn't sound very happy from the way have described him, I'm afraid.

How did you get into the situation of sleeping apart and no intimacy or romantic connection? Was this his idea or yours?

I'll be honest it actually sounds fixable but it doesn't seem there is a will to fix it.

What @Sleepless1096 said.

Even if your children choose to stay with him or he gets 50:50, either they or him will get fed up of the ensuing chaos soon enough. You need to hold your nerve and put your own oxygen mask on before helping them.

Getting a job must be your No. 1 priority now. The sooner you do so, the sooner you'll be in a position to leave.

Use the UC and CMS calculators to see how much you'd be entitled too, based on a realistic salary you might expect to get. This will give you something to work with and plan for.

Also gather all your financial documentation and see a solicitor to find out what kind of asset split you might get when you divorce.

In short, be proactive and don't let him walk all over you.

@Eleganz Ultimately any attempts I have made to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding and intimacy have not resulted in any sustained improvement because to him my attempts are perceived as adversarial since they impact his control of the situation. Any time I try to communicate with him I’m met with allegations of being mean to him, he will call me crazy or psycho if I dare say anything to him that he doesn’t want to hear. There is only so much I can do.

Others have pretty much covered it all - job, divorce, get out.

I never understand the 'waiting for kids to be X, Y or Z.' Tomorrow is not guaranteed for many people - you could sadly be waiting for nothing...

Sounds like he has well and truly checked out to me.

What a bloody mess. I feel so low but can’t actually cry. Think pp’s comment that he has well and truly checked out has really hit a raw nerve.

Forget him op

man’s focus on fact that a crevice seems to be growing between you and your children - and that would seem to absolutely not be in their long term interest to be drawing much closer to their father

Re the loneliness

Do you have friends or family you could confide in?

You need to do 2 things, @Doingitforthedc : get back into full time employment, and make sure you get your fair share of all assets in the divorce - which should be at least 50% and possibly more.

Check out Wikivorce and read some books, such as Divorce for Dummies. Many family law firms have a lot of useful information on their websites. Just make sure they are in England (assuming you are in England).

Start gathering copies of ALL financial paperwork. Bank and investment statements, salary slips, P60s, pensions, mortgage, house deeds. Everything. Remember that pensions can be more valuable than home equity! Keep everything in a safe place.

Start looking for a family solicitor. Ask friends you can trust for recommendations and suggestions. Have a one time consultation to see where you stand.

Then make a plan and go from there.

@Whatislove82 culturally marriage is for life. As far as family are concerned he can do no wrong, even when I’ve disclosed in the past the horrible way he treats the dc and I at times. I’m supposed to just be grateful he doesn’t hit me.
People who I thought were friends have all gone their separate ways now their dc have started various Indy’s and state schools and I’m no longer in contact with the people I volunteered with. I still do have a few friends but none of whom I can confide in due to what is going on in their lives at present.

@AttilaTheMeerkat what was it that made you think he was abusive as I hadn’t mentioned he’d been verbally abusive when you posted this?

Your initial post is a clear descriptor of a miserable and/or otherwise abusive marriage even if it is not directly mentioned then. Your H only cares about his own self and getting his own needs met.

re your comment from your initial post:
"He’s a gamer and has roped in the dc so the three of them spend hours locked away in the office gaming for hours at weekends"

That comment from your initial post is he emotionally harming his children. He is certainly sending them mixed messages. How are your kids own life chances going to pan out if they are all gaming constantly?. He is doing that to them for his own ends; he wants to maintain control of both you and they.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the clarification. I know they tell you not to leave the family home but I’m so tempted to check myself into a hotel on my own for a night or two.

I had surgery last year and it could have been a day procedure but instead I was kept in overnight as I couldn’t trust DH to help care for me overnight. The previous surgery I asked for help to get to the toilet as I couldn’t get out of bed on my own and he ignored me and kept gaming. I nearly ended up wetting myself. I couldn’t risk injuring myself this time around. His idea of taking carers leave is so he can game with the dc. He thinks I have an absolute hatred of gaming. I don’t but games need to be age appropriate and not dominate day to day living. It’s going to the pub for a couple of drinks with a meal vs going on a bender for the weekend, only the latter I object to.

Op…. Could you do my suggestion re having dinner with your sons at least. Baby steps. Do you cook? Do they eat in front of the TV? What time does your husband get back from work versus your sons back from school?

How do you fill your days?

The days vanish by the time I’ve dropped the youngest off at school and get back home. It’s an hour round trip for me. The two schools are in opposite directions which is why the eldest takes the bus.
Get home do some laundry. Cleaning, admin and then grab some lunch and then before I know it, it’s time to head back out again to do pickup.
@Whatislove82 we could possibly go to a cafe or somewhere after school but he’s like a toddler who will have a tantrum if he misses out on something even although there’s zero motivation to arrange anything on his own volition. We have even had to change where we ate out in the past because of how rude he was to the staff over ordering. He was irate that you had to pick your own toppings for the burger and was mouthing off about how stupid it was. The youngest and I love the place but he ruins it for us. He refuses to ask for any amendments to an item on the menu even if it means he misses out on something he wants to eat. For example a pasta dish comes with garlic bread and as he doesn’t like garlic bread he won’t order the dish. He’s very set in his ways and inflexible. Gets moody going anywhere that’s busy, and I’ve explained to him that since the youngest started primary school that we don’t have the opportunity to go anywhere outside of the peak times of weekends or school holidays.

I’m not taking about having dinner with your husband and boys

I’m talking about YOU carving a closer relationship with your son. And that is going to take effort on your part OP

Or are you talking about your son?

OP… I know life hasn’t handed your a great hand with your husband but it able screams to me that you are in a very very negative place and that is very evident to your family. That is now going to draw your teen sons to you.

So you stay til A levels. Then do you have to wait for them to finish Uni ? Then leave home ? There's never a right time. Do it asap for everyone's sake.

@Whatislove82 sorry I’m all over the place. It’s not DS that’s problematic when we eat out but it is DH that causes issues if we try to. I will definitely do something over half term with the dc without their dad. He’s working so can’t insist we stay at home all day even although he becomes mardy when he misses out.
will also make sure I do something 1:1 with each of the dc too. Ds has always wanted to go go-karting so we will do that.

@America12 Just A-levels, once they are 18 they are able to be independent. I see no need to stay until they finish uni or want to leave home. I will support them financially as much as I can.
I would consider boarding school for them and share weekends and holidays with DH but DH would never allow it as they are HIS kids.

You cannot stay and expose your children to this horrible environment for how ever many years until they've finished A levels. You owe it to yourself and them to get out.

Can you get your financial paperwork together and see a solicitor?

And check via the online calculators what you'd be entitled to in terms of UC and child maintenance?

How much could you realistically earn if you were to go back to work?

No doubt it will be tough but it has got to better than this dysfunctional existence.

@FlowerArranger how can I get them out when he will manipulate the dc into staying with them. I’ve seen it first hand with a close friend. Things have got so bad that there have been allegations of physical abuse by the youngest, who is accusing their mum of assault. reports to social services and the most horrendous accusations have been made. I’ve known her dc their entire lives and I could never have imagined things would have turned out like this. She is the most incredible parent and someone I’ve always looked up to and admired. I know with absolute certainty that the allegations are unsubstantiated bullshit. They are purely retaliation for putting in reasonable boundaries that their father would not support.

I gave up work when I had my first dc, my health deteriorated and I’ve now been out of my profession too long to make a return. I’m also in the completely wrong part of the country to go back to a similar role. I’d be looking at a minimum wage job which wouldn’t even cover my rental.