Staying in an unhappy marriage

[Doingitforthedc]

I’ve been with DH for over 15 years. We have two dc together. One nearly finished primary and the other in their first year at high school/secondary school.
There is not enough equity in our home if we split to purchase a replacement and given I’d need to get a 3 bedroom place as the dc of opposite sex can’t share a room there’s not a hope in hell that I’d be able to afford anywhere in the schools catchment area to live even renting.
DH sleeps in the spare room due to his snoring and bar a goodnight peck on the lips, cheek or forehead there’s been no intimacy in our marriage for months. And DTD in the last few years would probably barely hit double digits.
His current contract means he’s wfh most of the week yet has never made the effort for us to have lunch together at a cafe or even at home as he has his set routine(will watch YouTube and eat) . I was keen to go to our favourite restaurant for Valentine’s Day as I’ve not been in years due to the expense and he said to me that it’s only worth the money if I “put out”
He’s a gamer and has roped in the dc so the three of them spend hours locked away in the office gaming for hours at weekends. I’ve lost count the number of times day trips have been cancelled in preference to them gaming. I will be sat in the living room after he’s said he will join me to spend time together and it’s 11pm before he surfaces from his computer. There will occasionally be a series on tv or Netflix we can watch together and as soon as that’s over we are back to square one again. It’s such a lonely existence. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to continue to live like this until the youngest finishes his A-Levels.

I don’t mean to be harsh Op

but I sense you are depressed, no motivation, no work, no friends, no hobbies and very bleurgh generally about life.

You are not going to draw your children away from your husband and gaming if the alternative is to spend time with a resentful angry mother who is nagging them to do piano lessons.

You have to carve out a positive relationship with your children. You have steadfastly ignored my suggestions of starting having dinner with them, just you and them. You mentioned go karting.. have you booked?

Hi OP
I'm in similar sytuation but parental alienation is involved husband completely twisted kids against me. He spoilt them no boundaries etc and even is controling me. We are 15 years together I have SS involved kids are like him, they even use the same abusive language at me that he use for years. I'm scared but enough is enough. I'm preparing for exit. I have been like slave over the years I do everything also work full time and provide. I'm exhausted.
Really a shame that parental alienation is not seen as DV by law in this country.

@Olahop why are SS involved?

OP can you speak to your DC about the importance of doing homework, effect on later life if you don't use school to learn, show them objective websites that discuss the risks of too much gaming time on concentration span, social skills etc?
Ask how much time their friends get to play and think about why they have healthy boundaries that their parents set? Do you have friends/family with a good balance between gaming and real life family activities that you could talk to them about?
Maybe they'd start to think about things differently and realise for themselves that maybe they should do other stuff too- even if it takes a while for the penny to drop.
Also I'd be mega careful not to get cast as the boring grumpy parent while DH is the fun loving one - do everything you can to be happy loving fun to the kids to combat DHs nasty and unfair portrayal of you.
Take them out by yourself if he refuses to go - tell them on xx day you're all going to Alton Towers and show them the rides etc they can go on to build up excitement and counteract the attraction of gaming.
If you can talk to DH about the risks of gaming on brain development and stunted view of reality, risks of age-inappropriate violence etc and social skills that might make him think - surely he wants to raise clever, worldly wise kids with social skills not a pair of incels?! With such a close family surely he'd want kids that interact with people not just hermits etc.
Also did he grow up gaming all day or did he have strict parents who made him do his schoolwork? I bet it was the latter even with his idea that he did no work and look at him now - he wouldn't have been addling his brain the way the DC are.
Good luck - really feel for you

@Festivfrenzy ”If you can talk to DH about the risks of gaming on brain development and stunted view of reality, risks of age-inappropriate violence etc and social skills that might make him think - surely he wants to raise clever, worldly wise kids with social skills not a pair of incels?! With such a close family surely he'd want kids that interact with people not just hermits etc.
Also did he grow up gaming all day or did he have strict parents who made him do his schoolwork? I bet it was the latter even with his idea that he did no work and look at him now - he wouldn't have been addling his brain the way the DC are.”

In his mind there are no downsides to gaming he’s been gaming from an incredibly young age. In his mind gaming has done him no harm so is so blinkered in his views on the matter. No amount of literature or research will make him change his mind. As far as he’s concerned I’m the one in the wrong for not seeing it in a glowing light. The research has it out for gaming apparently. I’m happy for them to game it just needs to be part of a wide range of activities that the Dc partake in. Squirrelling themselves away all weekend is not healthy. His idea of a friendship is meeting up once a year or every 2 years.

go karting is booked in for half term. No going back now as I’m not willing to waste money and Alton towers will need to wait until May at least for the weather to warm up.

As far as getting my ducks in a row go, I’ve made a gp appointment to try and get on top of my health condition a bit more(will need specialist referrals) and I’ve also reached out to a solicitor to make an appt.

You could be me, OP
There's no way I could get my own place financially
I am trapped and I hate it
Feel free to pm me anytime it may be shit but at least you aren't alone

@workiskillingme thanks for reaching out. It’s scary how many women share similar stories. still trying to get through to the dc. Constant battle at their age even in households where parents show a united front. It’s such a lonely existence.

@Whatislove82 they have begged me repeatedly not to cancel their lessons when I tell them that it’s a waste of money if they don’t practice. I’m not forcing either of them. They both like the idea of playing an instrument but are not willing to put in the effort of regular practice. I may as well just be throwing money down the loo if I don’t ensure they practice. I also think portraying me as a “resentful angry mother” is unduly harsh.

So many of us are effectively trapped. I tire of these people who say 'just leave don't be unhappy' without any understanding of individual circumstances

@workiskillingme absolutely 1000%. In some cases it is absolutely possible it might just seem overwhelming and people might need a nudge and some encouragement. In others, it’s neither safe nor practical.

I’m finding out where I stand legally in the coming weeks and also arranged a house valuation. I’m taking steps to improve my health and once the youngest starts high school I’ll be able to return to work.

Why can't you return to work now? Your children aren't little ones, your husband is WFH so they aren't returning to an empty home. I think getting out, working, meeting people will be good for you. I think the go karting and Alton Towers are good ideas but you getting a job should be high on the list.

I know what it is like, I left my first husband when my children were 10 and 13 and I do think it was negative for them but we worked through it. They have a good relationship with me and their step father but it takes effort.

@ancientgran the youngest still needs taking too and from school, music lessons and both need taking to the activities they do that aren’t gaming(DH would see these as non essential to free up more gaming time) There is no space in before or after care and DH will not do regular drop off pickups. I could potentially find a way around that but the main obstacle is that I’m on the waiting list for surgery and as I’m due to get several operations this year, I’d need too much time off work to make it work. Fair enough if you are already in a job and need surgery but I don’t think I’m likely to keep my job needing countless months off work for several procedures in the next 12 months.

Is he going to be much help when you're recovering from surgery?

I'm so sorry OP. I didn't really know what to say. On one hand, your kids seem like their father's children, and if they are, they may not suffer like you may fear they will. On the other hand, they've been gaming for some long, to such a degree, that who knows that kind of effect that's had on them.

I was keen to go to our favourite restaurant for Valentine’s Day as I’ve not been in years due to the expense and he said to me that it’s only worth the money if I “put out

I don't think he was joking here. He was testing the waters to see how brutally honest he can be with you, and he then gaslit you when he didn't want to be accountable.

What was he like before you got married, and before he had kids? I assume he hasn't always been this bad?

From my extensive experience, very much on the spectrum. I’m sorry you’re where you are, but some very wise advice here

That's unfortunate. I really think a job would be a very good move for you.

Hi OP I’m so sorry you’re in a difficult situation.

I think prioritising your own health would really help this situation. You mentioned your DH is well paid- would you be able to go private? You’d be seen much quicker and you may be back on your feet sooner. Is this possible?

One of the procedures I’m so close to the top of the waiting list it would be foolish not to wait, the other I probably could go private if needed. I’m keen to make my health the focus for now unless anything at home escalates and I need to reevaluate separating sooner.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say he’s abusive but it’s obviously an unhappy relationship. You definitely need to get a job and to start being more proactive. I know it’s hard when you’re depressed but you do seem to have a million reasons why you can’t do anything. You seem to want to make your dh so things for you but ultimately you can’t force another adult to do anything.

to be honest not practising music is normal kid behavior. So is wanting to game. You’re catastrophising about this a bit.

you haven’t worked for over 10 years. You’ve become isolated and depressed as a result of this and other factors. You sound miserable in the relationship.

my parents stayed together for a long time even though they were unhappy. They claimed it was for us kids but unfortunately I think it was obvious that it was because they were too scared to leave. Life would have been so much better if they had had the guts to leave.

He clearly has some narcissistic personality traits. I say this only because it can often be a lightbulb moment in understanding the abusive situation you find yourself in.

@SueVineer i can guarantee he is abusive, I’ve just not shared the nitty gritty of our marriage in this thread. I was advised by the police to act upon a situation that happened last year and I decided against it. So please do not tell me I’m “catastrophising” as if anything I’m underplaying just how bad things are with both DH and the dc.
I need to get a job is unhelpful as I’m perfectly aware of the fact but with multiple imminent surgeries this is not something I can do. The “best” I can do based upon the guidance from medical professionals is Jan of next year. I can see if going private for the second procedure might help get me back to work quicker.
I’m sorry you had a difficult situation growing up but it is not in anyone’s best interests for me to bite off more than I can chew!

OP, you sound like you actively dislike him. Also, that you are very lonely, which is unsurprising given you don't work, and your family have little respect for you. It sounds like you are defeated, and have little drive to change things, but you must. Your sons are still young. You can't just give up on them and yourself until they are 18. They need to learn to respect you, and will only do that once you respect yourself.
Once your health is under control, I would suggest that you seek employment. It doesn't matter if it is minimum wage. That's more than volunteering, and is a gateway to better prospects in the future. And sends a strong message to your sons.
You constant gaming needs to stop. The go karting is a good start. Why not plan in many more activities for future weekends.
If you stop making excuses and take control, yours sons will see a stronger, more capable woman.

@timetogetlost If I’m being completely honest yes I do dislike him. How can I like someone who abuses me and lacks genuine empathy. I spent years wishing that things would improve but now have come to the realisation that the relationship we had at the beginning was all based upon lies and manipulation, he’s shown me his true colours. In fact, once I’d taken off my rose tinted glasses I could see how he disrespected my boundaries even in the first few weeks of our relationship. I’ve mourned the man I fell in love with and now am having to survive with the man he has shown he is. A pp is “on the money” with him having narcissistic traits.

@BadNomad sorry I missed your post. I can’t trust or rely on him at all. I’ll need to make sure I do all the food shopping is done before I go into hospital and I’ve meal prepped with the meals in the freezer. The dc will need to get school dinners as I doubt he’d make sure they had sufficient food to get them through the day. The specialists haven’t confirmed how long I’ll be in but I know it’s going to be a while before I’m back on my feet.

@Poppyliveshere if it’s ok to ask, what in particular that I’ve said indicated to you that he’s on the spectrum? I’m confused as to spectrum vs narcissistic traits and whether or not I’m likely dealing with a combination of both. Thanks

I can’t sleep and it’s been playing on my mind.

I got a job! Started last week! It’s only a short term job to cover leave until the end of the summer school holidays but I’m delighted. Family run business and loving every second of it.