Staying in an unhappy marriage

[Doingitforthedc]

I’ve been with DH for over 15 years. We have two dc together. One nearly finished primary and the other in their first year at high school/secondary school.
There is not enough equity in our home if we split to purchase a replacement and given I’d need to get a 3 bedroom place as the dc of opposite sex can’t share a room there’s not a hope in hell that I’d be able to afford anywhere in the schools catchment area to live even renting.
DH sleeps in the spare room due to his snoring and bar a goodnight peck on the lips, cheek or forehead there’s been no intimacy in our marriage for months. And DTD in the last few years would probably barely hit double digits.
His current contract means he’s wfh most of the week yet has never made the effort for us to have lunch together at a cafe or even at home as he has his set routine(will watch YouTube and eat) . I was keen to go to our favourite restaurant for Valentine’s Day as I’ve not been in years due to the expense and he said to me that it’s only worth the money if I “put out”
He’s a gamer and has roped in the dc so the three of them spend hours locked away in the office gaming for hours at weekends. I’ve lost count the number of times day trips have been cancelled in preference to them gaming. I will be sat in the living room after he’s said he will join me to spend time together and it’s 11pm before he surfaces from his computer. There will occasionally be a series on tv or Netflix we can watch together and as soon as that’s over we are back to square one again. It’s such a lonely existence. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to continue to live like this until the youngest finishes his A-Levels.

How are they going to become independent when they reach 18?. What do you expect them to do then?. How are you going to support them at all?

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

@AttilaTheMeerkat the same way any other dc moves out of home and lives in student halls or a shared flat/house. Living or not living with DH isn’t going to change that. I imagine they would be eligible for some sort of student support and can also get a part time job unless their course or uni precludes it.

There is no benefit to you whatsoever for remaining within such a marriage.

Staying till they presumably go to university at 18 makes a further mockery of your marriage and by that time too you’ll be further ground down by your husband. Better also to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he will get full custody of them, how is that in their best interests?

Why are you so certain he will get full custody of them?. I realise they like life with dad (because he plays good cop to them) but their dad is harming them by letting them game constantly and presumably letting them do what they want. How is his approach ever going to prepare them for life in the outside world?.

Your husband is not above the law here, his sole word here is not law but he’s likely fed you all sorts of BS to keep you in the hole he’s dug for you.

No culture advocates marriage is for life.

There is no point whatsoever in talking to (you talked to his family?) family about him as they would always side with their son here out of loyalty, he is like them.

Abuse like this thrives too on secrecy. Would you be willing and or able to contact a domestic violence group?

I imagine come September when the youngest starts high school they will be able to say that they want to live with dad. The eldest definitely will and the youngest will follow. DH is an incredibly high earner and will provide the life of luxury for the dc, and although money doesn’t buy happiness it certainly provides a more comfortable lifestyle. With the cost of living crisis, I’d be struggling to put food on the table let alone heat the house on a minimum wage job. DH works for the family business and gets a salary. I am sure his salary would magically diminish to the bear minimum if I attempted to make a claim on it and DH’s father would provide the funding for a luxury property and lavish lifestyle. I can’t exactly make a claim on a “gift” can I?

This is such a wise post.

I think you need to battle op and build yourself up within the situation you have currently with the goal of separating and divorcing asap.

His comment about Valentine dinner not being worth it unless you “put out” is shockingly horrible. My heart goes out to you; you deserve SO much more. I would have been ringing a good solicitor the minute he said that, and gathering in advice, resources, friend’s support, and photo- copying all the important financial documents related to your joint life together.

Gather your strength around you op. Take a few steps bit by bit and build up your confidence. You sound so beaten down. I am sure your health will improve the moment you become more purposeful about your own life and switch your mindset from “endure through gritted teeth” to “taking positive steps to improve my situation and that of my dc”.

I also agree with AttilaTheMeerkat’s advice. You must make that judgement call but I really don’t think it is in the best interests of your dc to spend so much time under the influence of this man given the values he is exhibiting.

You are very much making an assumption that he would get joint custody. Given his behaviour, I doubt he could maintain a well functioning home for two growing dc if he is gaming so much. A judge would see that.

Please, please get some proper legal advice before you make any more plans and find out what the real situation is.

I am sorry to say this, as I know you are lacking in self-confidence in your ability to provide financially for your dc, but I really think it’s encumbent upon you to at least try and make a separate household for them. One where gaming and selfishness isn’t at the centre of their world. Show them some different values.

Teens aren’t stupid, they can see the truth of things and even if they are reluctant to break away from the computer screens initially, they will enjoy doing alternative activities and living in an environment where there is music practice, some structure, cleanliness and good food at routine times. If you move out, they will see that all of that comes from you. Don’t undervalue that op.

I think this is especially important given the age they are at currently. You have at least six years to go, and sorry, but I have teens, and they are far from independent at eighteen. They still need a lot of emotional support and financial aid and lifts in cars and advice at that point. And anyway a judge would look more favourably on you and your living circumstances if you have children still at school.

Also, most importantly, please please consider that once your dc’s childhood is over. It’s over! You can’t claw it back. Nor can you claw back the influence you had in their lives or the relationship or emotional closeness you have, or have not, developed with them.

I don’t mean this to sound harsh as I know you are ill and you feel powerless and as if you have no choices, but I think you need to wake up a bit op and not just give in and “settle”.

I know all of this is so very hard, but I know teenagers, and it’s hard on your dc too to have a miserable mother. And the pp is right when she says that you will have absolutely no credibility with your teens, getting them to study and do music practice and grab life with both hands if you have given up, are depressed, have “settled”. for misery without trying to do anything to improve your situation.

The one thing teens hate is hypocrisy I’m afraid. The mistake you are making is that you think they will appreciate the sacrifice you are making for them, but they may not. Bluntly, they may very much resent having a depressed and out upon mother. And then they may start to put upon you as well. Believe me, I see it all the time. In a few years time they will be judging you uncritically from the aspect of an objective adult, rather from the viewpoint of a living, accepting child.

If you want your teens to grow up with good self esteem, to work hard and enjoy life, and to battle through the shit bits and create pockets of happiness in the midst of all the crap crap, and you want them to learn good boundaries and most importantly, you want them to learn that you don’t allow people to treat you horribly, then sorry op but you have to actually model that behaviour, not just talk about it.

Wishing you massive strength and determination 💐💐💐

Sorry lots of mistakes in that post. Too many ‘craps’ and should have said loving not living.

Of course teens still love you underneath but when they are older, they can also assess you very critically and acutely is the point I was trying to get across. And you need to pass that assessment op. Who do you want them to see?

Good luck!

Just read your update op.

You need a shit hot lawyer and some proper independent legal advice.

Not eating out Op

i am talking about YOU carving a relationship with your sons before it is too little too late

So you do the cooking for dinner? Then… ask that they eat with you at the table without electronics

it will likely be stilted initially but keep at it. Their favourite meals.

if you don’t start doing something soon op…

Book it OP. Right now. Suggest he bring a friend so not too intense if you’ve not spent much time together

I hope you read what @Formerglorystory66 wrote and take it to heart.

And act on it.

And do see a good lawyer. One with teeth, one who will fight for you. Your options may not be as limited as you think 💐

If your youngest is nearly secondary school age you need to get back in the work place. It will ease your loneliness and open up your horizons. Start there, and plan to separate from him ASAP. Take advice from a family law firm and see what your options are. I doubt very much that he will want the children full time, despite his threats. If he's as lazy as you say he just wouldn't cope!

@Doingitforthedc Is there any support offered at the schools to help you tackle the gaming element? I wondered if you might be able to confide in the DC’s safe guarding lead and seek advice there. This is abuse as others have said. Your DC are being manipulated and ultimately this will affect their potential long term. Your husband obviously has no respect for you but do you think he’d respond to an authority (school) requesting a meeting about their potential addiction to gaming/tiredness/underperformance at school etc? Or social services?

I think starting to change the dynamic at home so he knows he is under the spotlight is key here. As others have said, play nice for now until you have your ducks in a row. get evidence now of earnings, savings, investments, household bills etc. download the title for the family home (in case it mysteriously changed if you start proceedings) keep it all hidden or away from the family home. Start getting yourself socially active again, it’ll build confidence before going back to work. Your own money, however small the amount will bring you independence and choice. The jobs market has changed so maybe there are more wfh opportunities than you realise?

I wish you luck.

@Netaporter I doubt the school would be able to offer any support as it’s not causing any major issues at school yet beyond disorganisation. Forgotten sports kit, forms etc. I will be checking at the next parents evenings that there is nothing of immediate concern for the dc and respond accordingly. He would definitely not respond to any form of authority, he’s very much a rules are stupid kind of person(would not have married him if I’d known this).
He excelled academically with next to know effort and landed himself at an RG university so just assumes that will be the same for the dc. With the exception of me, he knows exactly what to say to people and when. Any time I try to speak up I get accusations thrown in my direction. Today’s gem was why do I have to be so angry all the time when all I did was remind them that it was way past lunchtime and to come through for food.

. Today’s gem was why do I have to be so angry all the time when all I did was remind them that it was way past lunchtime and to come through for food.

Op, he’s an adult. He can have lunch whenever he feels like it. If you’d cooked and he wasn’t coming, you shove it in a Tupperware and you have it for lunch tomorrow!

it sounded like you were being bossy and he retaliated

@Whatislove82 yes of course dp can eat when he wants it was the dc I was calling up to get fed. As far as I’m aware it’s parenting 101 to make sure your children are fed.

I’m confused

who said you were angry?

@Whatislove82 DH was angry that I was interrupting his gaming with the dc.

How old are your children?

@Whatislove82 10 and 12. The youngest would game all day and not eat if they could get away with it. They both wait until they are about to have an accident before rushing to the bathroom. Neither of them ever have done so but it’s literally the only thing they will “come up for air for”.

has this level of gaming built up? Surely you have alone time with the children whilst your partner is working that you can impose a structure where they get used to life without gaming?

what are you doing over the weekend whilst they game?

The all day binges for want of a better expression have been going on for years. The youngest got suckered into the votex too as they didn’t want to miss out on time with their dad and sibling. I’d try to arrange day trips and they instead would decide to game. DH doesn’t like anywhere busy so he has zero motivation to do anything other than go to the cinema in terms of family days out. DS has been desperate to go to Alton Towers for years. We could easily do an overnight trip to make the most of it but I hit barriers at every opportunity. I can’t take them myself as it’s too far to drive on my own. It’s a constant battle over phones and iPads too. Now the eldest is in secondary I feel like I’ve lost the battle with tech as DH will not support any form of reduction in time spent. Even their textbooks are online now.
Fortunately, they are both involved in after school activities so they do things other than tech but school holidays and weekends are a constant battle. I am at my wits end trying to get them to do their piano practice. They both insist they want to do the ABRSM exams for it but won’t put in the effort.
I am stuck at home being ignored most weekends. I was part of a ladies tennis group on a Saturday morning but that’s no longer an option due to injury. If I try to do anything else I get accusations of abandoning him.

"If I try to do anything else I get accusations of abandoning him."

In the nicest possible way FUCK HIM!!! That's just plain old controlling and manipulative! If he wants to waste his life gaming, that's on him. Don't let him drag you down and keep you feeling stuck in the house. It's either family time out and about, or you go out and about whilst the 3 of them sit on their arses gaming.