husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

You’re absolutely right, sorry. Cuckold is the husband of an unfaithful wife - I ,meant it in reverse. The female equivalent is a Cuckquean. I stand corrected, thank you.

I would, too.

I know a couple of people who've been married very briefly when young, and it hasn't worked out, and then gone on to have long and happy second marriages. All the advice on here is sound; please follow it. As another poster said, it's an incredible turn off to know your husband really wants to sleep with someone else more than you (sorry.) His loss- leave him, and then meet the true love of your life who you can grow old and share grandchildren with.

How is the OP the ‘consolation prize’ ? She’s his wife. Do you mean to be insulting or do you need to give your head a wobble ?!!

Unfortunately he’s prioritised this woman before you,he’s chasing her whilst neglecting you
As difficult as it is, leave him, call it quits. Take back control. Don’t wait for this to unfold
You’re able to go without the emotional turmoil of children and assets

I honestly cannot fathom how he has the brass neck to whinge over missing her leaving party AFTER you had that big talk with him about his behaviour!!

I agree LTB is easy for people online to throw around, but since you're young and you've not been married long, I'd honestly be leaving if I were you. This would just hugely take the shine off the marriage for me, I'd constantly feel second best or worried about who else might come along since his head is so easily turned.

I wonder whether she’s leaving the job because of your husband’s behaviour, or at least it’s a contributing factor.

I know if a man was running around after me in this manner and wasn’t getting the hint that I was not interested and was in a relationship, I’d be looking for a new job, too. Some men just don’t know how to take no for an answer.

I had it once before with a guy who I told I wasn’t interested romantically after a few dates. He started showing up to where I was on nights out when I was out with friends. Roaming the library on my subject floor trying to find me (his subject wasn’t even on this floor so he and no need to be there).

The last time I saw him I was walking to an exam and he spotted me in the crowd and started chasing after me asking me to talk to him, I ended up having to shout at him to fuck off in the middle of the street. Blocked him on everything. Stopped even going to the library to study.

It’s one thing having a crush on someone (which is obviously horrendous when you’re married, and you’re doing it right in front of your partner), but his behaviour really does sound concerning. If that’s how he behaves when you’re there, imagine what he’s like when you aren’t.

I’d be wary of this bloke, to be honest. Something doesn’t sit right with me about this situation.

I think you initially need to try and put this situation with the colleague out of your mind for a minute and think about how you feel about him and the relationship before he started this "friendship". Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? Does he excite you? Does he make you feel secure and loved? Rather than microanalising his behaviour and old conversations, think more broadly about your feelings and instincts.

If the relationship has been largely a happy one and this feels like a major shift into new and unpleasant territory, I'd probably read him the riot act and give him one chance. Spell out to him that you have certain expectations and boundaries, and behaviours that you won't tolerate. That - despite only being married for five minutes - he is sailing extremely close to the wind and that this is you delivering the only warning he's going to get.

He sounds very immature. You shouldn't need to tell him what his responsibilities are but he seems oblivious. Successful marriages depend on both spouses protecting the relationship. Almost everyone will come across someone at some point who catches our eye. We're married, not dead. But a committed married person will instantly hear an internal alarm bell that tells them to proceed with caution. You don't allow yourself to become overly friendly with someone you're attracted to because you recognise that as a potential threat and you choose to protect your marriage. And you don't give up the headspace to allow these fleeting moments of attraction to become full blown crushes.

I'd tell him the above. Then tell him you expect him to prioritise your marriage and come to the family party, willingly. Likewise you expect him to cut contact with this woman he very clearly has inappropriate feelings for. Don't play games; just tell him what you want and let him know it's non-negotiable if he wants the marriage to survive its first year. If he's got it in him to be even a half-decent husband he will snap out of it, be ashamed and sorry and be grateful that you've given him a second chance.

The most sensible post on this thread @Puppers
How anyone can post on here and decide from the replies to end a marriage that’s not even 12 months old is beyond me.
To be honest I wonder if you even love your husband if you can so easily discard him!

This is good advice.

Either one involves actual sex taking place. Not some drip trailing around a party after a patently uninterested colleague.

Oh and btw OP I'm struck by how level-headed and measured you are coming across. Fair play to you!! You deserve far better than this 'man'.

Please leave… you said he didn’t gaslight you but all this “what?! Who?! Me?!” stuff is exactly that. Asking you to define exactly what it is he mustn’t do is a way to twist your perspective and make this about you so you don’t keep looking at his behaviour. Soon he will be along with “you have issues” etc etc

He just showed you who he is. Believe.
Move on.

(Also you mention a previous abusive relationship - hope you’ve read the Lundy Bancroft book ‘Why Does He Do That?’
It should be required reading and really helps you see gaslighty manipulation for what it is)

You have to be kidding.

OP has done absolutely nothing wrong. She hasn’t cheated, lied or betrayed him.

He, on the other hand, is happily chasing another woman right in front of his wife’s eyes, is wanting to blow off a family birthday party to say goodbye to a coworker he barely knows and is acting like a wounded puppy over the whole thing.

He is showing her nothing but sheer disrespect and making a mockery of their marriage vows.

OP obviously loves her husband, but loving someone doesn’t mean being treated like a doormat. She deserves to be with someone who loves her equally. Not someone who has a wandering eye and his head will likely turn again and again.

Stop being such a misogynist. I would be willing to bet you wouldn’t be saying that if OP was a male and it was his wife running around after another man.

He is immature, she shouldn’t need to tell him what his responsibilities are but the bald fact is that she has had to. He’s not listening to alarm bells, he’s allowed himself to be infatuated even though he knows it’s unrequited and he’s absolutely not protecting his marriage - not even close. The OP has already read him the riot act and he’s still prioritising going to this womans’ leaving do above a family celebration that they were already committed to. He’s allowed himself to become infatuated with a woman who doesn’t return his feelings. What happens a couple of years down the line when he’s infatuated with someone who does, and who gives him the green light. What then ? Does the OP wait around and hope it doesn’t happen ? If he’s not invested in the marriage, the riot act means nothing - he will do what he wants to do and he’s already demonstrated that his wife is not his first priority or he wouldn’t have behaved so embarrassingly in front of her. And the time for a second chance has passed. Read between the lines in the OP’s posts - she already knows this. Time to leave.

I think you know what I meant.

Sorry -posted too soon, sausage fingers !! To me it doesn’t matter whether sex has taken place or not. He’s infatuated and it’s the emotional entanglement that matters. Men can separate sex from emotional involvement and have sex without meaning. It’s the infatuation and the complete disregard for the OP’s feelings that I was trying to encapsulate.

I’ve read all your posts OP and this is the one that stands out to me, he’s obviously checking in on being married bit (who does that?!) re how you/he feel because maybe due to covid etc he feels you got married too soon. What a bastard. It seems like he was trying to gauge your reaction to getting married and maybe hear you say “oh it wasn’t as good as I thought etc”.

The colleague thing was always going to happen, if not her, he’d fixate on someone else. And naturally you get vibes because you know deep down as a woman or as a person when something’s up.

I’d separate and start planning a divorce. Early 30s is still young to meet someone else if you want to do so and there’s no shame whatsoever that this didn’t work out. He’s the one that should be ashamed if anything, not you. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Yep, I couldn’t see a way back from this. It’s bad enough that he’s infatuated and his wife knows, but when he’s taking the infatuation a stage further and prioritising events that the woman he’s infatuated with will be at rather than his own family/wife’s events then that’s where the line is crossed for me.

If this woman gave him the green light then he’d have an affair like a shot too. If not her, another woman.

Are you on glue ?!! It doesn’t matter how old the marriage is. Have you actually read her posts ? He’s chasing around after another woman in full view of his wife, making her look a fool and feel like shit, and you have the audacity to question her love for him ? She’s not discarding him, she’s looking at his behaviour with a woman who is clearly not interested in him and asking herself what happens when he becomes infatuated with someone who gives him the green light. No one who has real love and respect for their life partner would behave like this away from them, let alone right in front of them. Stop trying to gaslight her into accepting that his behaviour is in any way acceptable.

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My ex did this within the first six months. Then when we were married, then when I was pregnant. And over and over ad nauseum. Each time I thought it wouldn't happen after "x". Then along comes "x" and ex doesn't give a shit.

Honestly - He's shown you that you aren't his priority. That's a sufficient red line for anyone. And he won't change.

(Btw I did my divorce online, it was easy and cost about £50 in total)

i don;t even want to give an ultimatum or explain that this would put marriage in jeopardy, surely he must realise that?

No he won't realise it. He's thinking with this dick and his dick is stupid. You need to spell it out super clearly and firmly. Then he can't claim you left him over "nothing".

I've been in a similar position OP except we had been married 8 years and had a 6 year old. My H had an enormous crush on someone who worked with our business casually - they went on lots of work trips too to events. I did think it was all a bit 'close 'and he was always rushing to do jobs for her , fix her computer, call her landlord etc whereas I struggled to get him to do much as mow the lawn- he also started getting fit , hair cut more regularly etc- . I was suspicious something was going on but had no proof- anyway she moved abroad- many years later (11) I found a load of songs and poems he had written about her (dated at that time) stuffed in a drawer. Confronted He said it was all 'just' a crush, all in his head, totally one sided. All I can say is I've stayed married (just) but he certainly went down a grade in my eyes. I felt a bit like a consolation prize. If I had found out at the time I would certainly have ended the marriage-- it's just hugely disrespectful and unkind- I deserved more- and so do you!! At 61 though and without many assets it's not an easy decision .We can all have crushes , people are human- but you keep them 200% in your head, (unless it's a celeb etc ) and you don't act so disrespectful to your partner.

its a silly crush, it is sad but it happens. Be very clear with him that you know he has a crush and he needs to grow up unless he wants to end the marriage. The first year of marriage is harder than anyone makes out but he’s def being a prat and needs a good talking to. Personally I’m not in the camp of walk out now etc. But agree with the giving him a clear ultimatum. Then decide what you want to do.