husband's crush priority :(

[suze284]

we've been married 8 months (early 30s), everything seemed well. he has a colleague at work who started there after me and him got engaged. she moved from abroad with her live-in bf for a contract. i got to know her eventually through days out etc, I don't think she's interested in my husband. he invited her to our wedding. they go to lunches/coffee/whatever. over the past few weeks he's been mentioning her more frequently. btw her contract is ending next month, she's been trying to get extension or look for a job elsewhere in Europe.

a few of weeks ago husband's work had an evening outing. once she arrived with her bf, my husband's attention was all on her. he literally followed her around all night like a puppy, I made my own conversation but was noting how he was acting. she drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. once he literally twisted his neck looking around for her, the way he was looking it was like he's in love with her... i felt hurt and embarrassed :( he wasn't drunk btw. after a while I got fed up, said i felt unwell and said I might go home as it was getting late. he started protesting, he insisted he walks me home but then said he wants to go back. so that happened. he came back, I told him how I was hurt how he's acting around her and it's really obvious. and I feel stupid observing it all in public.
he seemed surprised and hurt, started repeating how he loves me etc and apologised for acting stupid. asked what was he doing that's inappropriate, i said i'm not going to explain to him and it's really obvious because as a woman I've been on the receiving end of such things. anyway he apologised and i thought ok he's hopefully understood that I'm aware of this.

now, why I'm writing here. at the start I mentioned she's leaving the job soon. my husband is going away next month to a conference, the day before he leaves we're been invited to a jubilee family birthday (on my end). I think it's quite important that we go because he's only met my extended family properly at the wedding because of the pandemic and everyone is scattered across the country.
now his female work friend is having a leaving party the same day as my family's event. this plan is recent, I've told my family we're coming and i've mentioned it several times even before the above situation. he's come home from work telling me there's this leaving party for her, I reminded him we've got plans with my family. and then he replies in a whiney sort of way like oh but he's going away the next day and she might leave for good and who knows when they will see each other again. my jaw dropped at the audacity, I just left the room.
I feel so completely shook, I think I'm writing this just to let it out... a part of me wants to say ok go if it's so imporant and move my stuff out once he's at his conference :((((

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

thank you for all your kind words💖

This resonates with me. If my DH cheated, I think it would be the emotional involvement that would hurt the most. Men can have sex and have it mean nothing to them, but emotional entanglement with another woman is the real betrayal. Not that I’d advocate putting up with cheating on any level, physical or otherwise, but if you consider yourself the one ‘safe person’ in your partners’ life the fact that he could give that away to someone else so easily would be the finish for me.

Just imagine his face when the girl he’s panting after leaves the work and her leaving do and he does not get even the consolation prize- you. Oh I’d love to see his face.

What about giving him a face slap? Which party is he going to?

What? What do you mean face slap. Are you suggesting she assaults him?

I think I'd spell it out to him in black and white

'Stop acting like a love struck puppy around this woman, do you not realise that people can see you following her around and making puppy dog eyes at her! It's embarrassing and extremely disrespectful towards me. I suggest you have a really good look at your priorities, and wether you'd prefer to go to x leaving bash, or your wife's family party. Your decision will tell me a lot about where your priorities lie, and who is more important to you. X or me! I'll base my future on your decision'

I'd also tell him to get a fucking grip and stop acting like a completely muppet.

OP there absolutely is a thing as emotional cheating - your husband is wrong!

I've read what you've said and I think you could go on forever trying to dissect his behaviour and your relationship, working out the whys and what nots - you deserve so much better than this... you know if they aren't fully invested in you, you can see it and feel it. Get out now whilst you still can.

Continuing in this marriage will be far worse. It's meant to be the honeymoon period now - it won't get better!! You are worth so more than that.

Think about this phrase as you tell everyone here your situation "have you heard yourself?" - what would you tell someone who was telling you, what you are telling us? Good luck I know you will be fine 💛

I’d be very wary about him being the keener partner for a baby. It’s an anchor. He thinks that if you have a family he can have his cake and eat it. While you change nappies and do the family caring stuff, he’ll be off having his fun. Fuck that. You’re worth so much more.

Ps don't pressure him to go to your party over this woman's leaving do... give him free rein to choose what he deems is a priority. THEN - you will have your answer.

But whatever he chooses, is it too little too late? Only you will know what worth you put on yourself.

This is very good advice

Deal breaker from me too. I would not stay with anyone behaving like this he definitely has cheating potential and I wouldn’t be prepared to sleep with one eye open.

I was popping back on to say what Helloelsie said.

You have said his behaviour at the party was inappropriate. You have reminded him he freely chose to say he will attend the family gathering. The ball is now in his court. Watch and listen and see what he does.

Luckily you have no children , financial ties, house etc. If you think it’s right for you to move on then cut your losses and leave.

It’s a huge turn off. I couldn’t sleep with a man who thought so little of me.

It was obvious an ex of mine had a crush on a barmaid in our local.
Right then any attraction for him died. I was literally repulsed by the thought of sex with him after that, like a switch had flicked.

I don’t think it’s ever possible to go back to how you were.

8 months OP.

he didn't even gaslight me when i confronted him afterwards

I think he kind of did @suze284 .

He didn't deny it but he pretended he didn't know what you were talking about/what he was doing.

From the sound of it, I don’t think she is interested and is probably embarrassed at his behaviour around her and does her best not to encourage him.

Not many women want the office drip hanging around them like a bad smell, do they?

Personally, I would ditch this pathetic simp ASAP.

Ugh, I would seriously go off my husband if he behaved like yours. He sounds pathetic and is really disrespectful to you. I would count this as a starter marriage that has gone wrong before the first year is up and end it now.

I probably wouldn't be considering leaving someone I had just married for this sort of low level shit, but I would definitely be having a fight with him about it. I do agree with the previous poster, I think you are both acting emotionally unavailable (him with the ridiculous unrequited crush in public, you with the closely-guarded yet potentially more dangerous what ifs). Relationships are hard and scary. I think he is freaking out about being married.

OP like you I have no idea how ppl can be as blind as your husband is to their own behaviour

But I just want to let you know that my mother has very similar recollections of my father. Eyes only for her until marriage; very persistent crushes starting shortly thereafter.

It was a hellish marriage and should have ended 10 years before it did. I'm sorry.

I think he kind of did @suze284 .

He didn't deny it but he pretended he didn't know what you were talking about/what he was doing.

The faux naivety is just so incredibly tiresome.

I had a lovely (extremely handsome) male friend in my twenties really nice guy newly engaged. He came to a party I held with my sister as did a newly single old friend of my sister. She was extremely beautiful and lovely and (to be cruel) looked like a more beautiful version of his fiancée. He had a chat with her (she’s also intelligent/ interesting she had been the most fancied girl at our school) he then shook his head and said “I need to leave. Maybe in another life”. That’s what a decent man does.

How is it ‘low level’ to cuckold your partner in front of everyone ? The OP has her reasons for the what if’s and how are they more ‘dangerous’ than a married man who has a crush on another woman eight months after being married, and parades it right in front of her ? Freaking out about being married is no excuse - if he felt like that he should never have married in the first place, he’s not ready and he’s gaslighted the OP. Relationships are nowhere near as ‘hard and scary’ if you’re on the same page and you care about your partners’ wellbeing. He clearly doesn’t. She should leave before it gets more complicated and there are children to consider.

This.

I think you may need to look up the meaning of ‘cuckold’.

You deserve much better O.P.
The only thing I can suggest is know your self worth and if you weren'tmarried what would you do?
I think it's important to think of it like that.
Can you get an annulment if less than a year?
I don't know... Worth looking into.

I don’t say this lightly but..I would actually kick him out.