What would you see as a fair solution to this?

[doggydance79]

I have 2 siblings who both live around 4 hours drive from the parental family home, whereas I live 10 minutes away, so I regularly see our elderly parents, and am there for any lifts to docs/shop/looking after the house while they're away, etc. I don't mind this, and offer whenever there is a need, but it is also somewhat expected.

Their house is a place where the other families stay free for long periods of time when they visit, which is MUCH cheaper than the reciprocal visits, where we would have to pay £££ to stay somewhere. Our parents are leaving the house to us equally, and their idea has always been that we could sell or rent. I am opposed to renting, as agencies are expensive for full maintenance, which noone wants to pay, and because the others expect that I would be somewhat hands on, which I don't have the time or mental capacity for atm. Other options considered were:

1. Sell the house and split the profits (okayish all round, but means there would not be a place to stay so prob no visits by siblings anymore)
2. I get another mortgage to pay off siblings and let my oldest child live there, sibling's families can visit when wanted and chip in for utilities. None of the other kids are old enough or want to live up here, so this seems like a good option. Neither sibling was interested in doing this themselves. House is not fancy and is old, so it's not like I'm trying to con them into selling me a good investment, it seems a good alternative and helps my daughter in these difficult times.

Sister recently has come into a lot of money. Enough so that the whole family is living off the investment of a lump sum, and her husband has made the choice not to work (although capable). Her opinion on the house has changed. As far as I am aware, she sees me as taking advantage, and doesn't see why I should buy out the house rather than her. (Her kids have shown no interest in moving this far away from their home.) Both the remaining options are not very useful - sell and split proceeds, rent out and split proceeds, but she doesn't want to pay the higher full agent maintenance, which leaves me to keep an eye on the place and sort out issues, which I think is unfair.

It seems a waste that the house would be sold/rented out when adult kids are having such difficulties getting an affordable home themselves nowadays. I don't get why she is so against my kid living there when hers don't want to. I also don't get why I should be giving up time and stress to help maintain the property. Renting out to my daughter through an agency in effect adds a lot to the rent, and seems petty.

Sorry this was so long! Any thoughts on it would be welcome.

Op one other thing to consider. Once your parents are no longer here. Shouldn't visits and get togethers be split more evenly ie say 3 get togethers a year, one local to each of you.

But reality is life moves on, grandchildren are likely to appear at somepoint, yourr children's priorities will change away from seeing cousins.

It might be for a family get together it will be easier and cheaper to settle on a Travel lodge somewhere in the middle.

I think you are thinking way too far ahead about this. You still have two living parents who are actually living in their home. You have no idea what the situation will be when they are both passed. Your adult child may have long since moved away. Leave it to rest and bring up the conversation again when the time comes.

Selling it/one of you buying the other out seems like the sensible option. When my brother and I were in dispute over something that belonged to my dad, the solicitor's suggested was that we each had to put in a bid for it to the estate and whoever was willing to afford to bid the highest, would get it. In the end, we didn't do this, but realistically, if you both want to buy it, whoever can buy out for the highest amount is maybe one way to go as it will benefit the other beneficiaries. Sounds quite cold and callous, but selling a family home often comes down to these things.

I’m sorry but you can’t say that, you might have a plan but things go awry.
Also, why are you discussing the disposal of your parents house while they are both alive?

I think you're trying to make plans far too far ahead- who knows whether there will be anything to inherit, what share you will get, what your DC's situation will be etc etc. But to answer your question, I would sell up. The other option seems far too complex.

It also seems liable to lead to all sorts of fallings out and resentments- a similar thing has happened in DH's family. His sister bought out DH and BIL and now owns what was their family home outright. However BIL now seems to take it for granted that he can still drop in whenever he wants, use "his" bedroom etc, on the basis that it's still his family house, and he's resentful of the fact that SIL is there all the time, despite the fact that she paid him fair and square. People can behave very irrationally about this sort of thing. I'd avoid going down that path.

You cannot possibly say that one or both of them won't need care. What if one of them gets dementia?

@America12 erm, I didn't say that they wouldn't need care. I have family members who are in the home care field, I know how much can be done at home.

@Hoppinggreen did you RTFT? My parents initiated the conversation way back, we had all come to conclusive options, which have recently been thrown into disarray by one sibling.

@ToastAndButler thanks for sharing your experience. I'd hope that wouldnt happen, but as you say, things can get complicated like that!

@mindutopia thank you, that was really interesting, I didn't know how things like that worked. Your comment has got me thinking quite a bit. One of the previous intentions was that as long as the price was market value, I'd maybe buy out the others, so that my daughter (who still lives at home but would want to move out in some years time and can't afford it by a long shot) could live there and there would still be a base for family visits. Noone else lives remotely closely and their kids are either much younger or actively do not want to move to this area. So it was fine. If it came down to putting in bids I'd prob lose, as I mentioned, my sister recently came into A LOT of money. Maybe her intention is now to buy it as an investment property? I don't know. She wouldn't tell me if that was the case, because one of our original options was renting it out and splitting the rental proceeds between the 3 of us. The sticking point there is that I would be infornally expected to keep an eye on the place. Which I don't want to do. So does she want total control over it unless I do the landlord bit for free? Messy. Her money seems to have changed her a bit. Disappointing.

@Sugarfree23 meeting in the middle is a good idea, but prob wouldn't work well, as with 3 families with kids, we'd have to do the socialising out and about, which for various (private/medical) reasons, wouldn't be practical for any extended time. Sharing locations is kind of ok, but a bit lopsided, as she lives out in the countryside with fewer available places to stay, which are also more expensive on average. (We don't live in the UK.)

It’s interesting that anyone who has commented this might be a bad idea gets pushed back on by you ! You need to be careful that you don’t blindly push this because YOU think it’s a good idea
its a family home and complex family issues are maybe bubbling

maybe wait , they are still alive
things change

@doggydance79
Your parents are still living happily in the house, not sure how old they are but it could well be 10 years before any of this is an issue.

Your neices and nephews won't still be small kids, they'll be teens who may or may not want to go on a family gathering with Aunties.

Your own kids could be coupled up with babies of their own.

Planning holding onto the family home with all the running costs of it, so it can effectively be used as a holiday home is nuts.

Something else to mention - Your daughter may not want to be tied into hosting the family for all their get togethers! If that were dh suggesting it to me I’d say not on your fucking life, let’s live somewhere else.

@Sugarfree23 nowhere did I say it would be a family holiday home, yes, that would be nuts, and is completely not what I said 😄

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm pushing back against what exactly? The fact that a lot of people say it's a bad idea to want to buy out the siblings? None of the siblings/parents thought it was a bad idea originally, so what has changed now?

DC would not have to host people! They are fully capable of fending for themselves.

I've also agreed that this is way off in the future, and things can change drastically. As I think I have already mentioned, I posted here for opinions because everyone was in agreement originally, but now it has changed and I don't quite understand why my buying the others out would be something that someone would now oppose, when they originally though it a good idea which solved quite a few issues.

Depending on the house value Is inheritance tax relevant here? I have friends who really would have loved to keep their old family home when parents died but had to sell to pay IHT.

Maybe I've got this wrong, but it seems the emotional attachment is yours. Wouldn't it make more sense for you to buy them out for you rather than one child who may well be 10/15yrs older than they are now and have a well-defined life (of their own) by then?

Also, I think you are massively underestimating the amount of care older people need. Remember, the older they get, the older you get too.

Finally, I always feel people are entitled to absolutely the best care their assets can afford for them. This vulture-perching/it's what they want is something I find particularly distateful having observed soooo much of it in my previous career in social services.

Just think, OP. One day your DC will be writing this thread about you. Musing about assisted dying and the size of your garden.

Ah, the circle of life.

In the interests of full disclosure, I will say both our parents (and maternal grandparents) remained at home until they passed away/were hospitalised and passed there.

This was only achievable because a) personal care is free in Scotland i.e. we were not required to undertake/pay for intimate tasks for our loved ones, and b) our family is massive and everyone was willing/able to contribute to the caring role.

If I was rostered to be the 'nightshift' on a Wednesday, so be it. It just meant taking a day's leave on the Thursday, or catching a few hours sleep and starting later at work. That might be in combination with all-day Saturday, and a Monday evening. It was absolutely manageable. Monday evening was a skoosh because day-shift prepared dinner!

With a large group of caring people it is achievable. One person, on their own, isolated with minimal home care (to keep the costs down?) is a recipe for guaranteed disaster in terms of that person's own wellbeing.

The only fair way is to sell. I don’t know why your siblings has an issue with it as they can help their child get housed by taking out a mortgage on a property the same as you would be doing. No-one is getting any extra financial benefit if you’re paying them market value for their share. Sounds like your parents are still very much alive so I wouldn’t even worry about it right now. Even though you plan to help your parents care, you don’t know what will happen. By the time both your parents pass your children could be sorted with their own home so I’d just see where the land lies when the time comes

Your parents aren't even dead yet or close to it and you're already musing what to over their house? YABU.

Split 3 ways is the only fair solution. Just because you are closer and do the majority of the leg work around your parents, doesn't mean that your thoughts on the issue should be taken over and above those of your siblings.

Aside from this, my relationship with my siblings is more important than money to me. There needs to be a compromise.

You are pushing 3 different issues together.

Sell and split on the house

Siblings visit more often and don't expect you to do all care OR stump up for carers.

Deal with how you visit each other when it's Time

It’s changed because your siblings have realised it’s a batshit idea to make a plan for the future without knowing what the future will hold!

@ZenNudist Not quite sure what you're saying here. One of the issues which was initially taken into consideration (and I briefly touched on) is that without this house as a visiting base, there will be very few times we actually get together. And it will be inconvenient and expensive on each of those occasions. So keeping the house on was, I thought, a useful thing to do all round. And yes, @Dacadactyl , this is exactly a case of prioritising relationships over money. Selling the house and barely ever meeting up would have been prioritising money over relationships, in my mind.

@Doidontimmm if it's batshit to make plans, why make different plans??

@Dacadactyl and its not a case of thinking my thoughts should be prioritised over others because I do the legwork. Everyone agreed it was a viable option. It's not me being selfish, I thought it would help keep us together after parents go!

I think you have put forward a really sensible solution, and your ds is the one being selfish. I can't see any reason for her blocking this, given that she would end up with the same amount of money, apart from the fact that she doesn't want you to have more 'perceived' benefit out of it than she does.

This may be something you just have to accept, or something you can address with her, it rests on your relationship.

Honestly I'm shocked you're all thinking in this level of detail before they have even died. I completely understand the need to get wills sorted etc and have elderly relatives myself. But I'd say if you know they are leaving the house ero you to be split evenly you leave it until then to decide. It does feel quite distasteful tbh.

I'd also say nothing is guaranteed and just because your parents want to stay at home doesn't mean they will be able too. I'd say the majority of people in care homes wanted to stay at home.

Because her idea is more imaginable. You cannot possibly guess your kids will want the house or to share at some random date in the hopefully far future!

In the future family get togethers will totally change as the kids grow up, move away, have their own families. That’s not taking into account all your circumstances which could change.

@Doidontimmm why should it matter whether I buy it or a random stranger buys it, if her share of the money is the same? It's not her problem if I bought it and my kids later wanted to live elsewhere. They'd just sell it then like any other ppl who want to move do.

@Luckingfovely you may be right. I doubt that would come out in conversation though. There's a lot of people saying that we should just sell up to avoid any bad feeling, but I have to admit that I will have some bad feeling if I'm being forced to miss a good opportunity (both for kids and our families as a whole) when everyone was previously happy with it. It's like going back on your word (which has incidentally happened a number of times before, but over much less important things).