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Original poster

Help me convince my partner to pull his weight more

107 replies

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:20

Been with DH for 10 years, we have a very young baby and I’m on maternity.

things I used to let go I’m finding very difficult now we have a baby and I’m finding that I’ve become really resentful of him.

  • I do all the cooking and cleaning. when I ask him to cook he refuses or gets a takeaway. I don’t want to keep eating takeaway.
  • I do all the baby prep. Meals and bottles etc.
  • He leaves his washing all over the place and doesn’t clear up after himself, when he eats something he leaves the plate on the floor or a packet of crisps on the floor for example.
  • Always demanding me to make him a drink yet never offers to make me one.
  • During pregnancy nothing changed, I still did everything up to 9 months pregnant.
  • takes over the sofa and tv when he’s home.

He is very good with our DC, she adores him and he adores her but again I do the majority of the work. He plays with her and does the fun things and I’m the one tidying around him. He does help sometimes but to get him to help with her I have to really ask, like to do bath or bedtime.

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest. But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes. He will only do big stuff with us like go away on holiday, or big days out which cost a lot. So it’s not often. I just feel lonely sometimes.

I csnt just leave the place in a state as I can’t live that way. We can’t get a cleaner as our place is small and wouldn’t be worth it.

I do love him and want this to work, he’s a nice person, he’s adores our DC, he’s funny and I enjoy his company and spending time together which at the moment it’s rare with DC. and he’s very generous and can be thoughtful but I’ll be honest I just want him to make me a home cooked dinner and offer to do the washing up for once. To take the initiate and tell me he’s got this for once as I’m exhausted.

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more, but it never changes and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to do I’m so tired.

I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him. what can I do to get him to help me more?

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 22:22

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more

What is his response to this? And what was he like pre-baby, when you both worked?

Original poster
Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:24

PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 22:22

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more

What is his response to this? And what was he like pre-baby, when you both worked?

He usually gets on the defensive and sighs. Says he will do more. He does a bit more for a day then goes back to the way it was.

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

OP posts:
Cocochat · 29/01/2023 22:29

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:24

He usually gets on the defensive and sighs. Says he will do more. He does a bit more for a day then goes back to the way it was.

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

Show quote history

You need to only do yours and the baby’s washing.
clean your own side of the bed, shove his mess his side.
Batch cook yourself meals and let him sort his own.
My dd actually threw away her dh’s clothes when he consistently left them on the floor.
Your dh doesn’t have to do anything because he knows you’ll give in!

PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 22:31

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:24

He usually gets on the defensive and sighs. Says he will do more. He does a bit more for a day then goes back to the way it was.

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

Show quote history

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

Why on earth would he suddenly become less lazy after a baby?!

Make a chore chart. Do not do it for him, sit down and do it together. Agree on allocated tasks and allocated days.

Find your anger. This is shitty treatment and you’re not required to tolerate it. Do not persuade, or attempt to chivvy. State that you will not be accepting being treated as a skivvy and mean it.

JustDrama · 29/01/2023 22:35

I have similar but have no device. Things were ok ish when I worked in the office. Since I've worked from home it's like he doesn't think I work full time. The housework fairy must do it all. Also doesn't help that any sick children or striking teachers and closed schools can be dealt with my me. I k ow if I try and talk he'll get defensive. This issue is his standards are far lower than mine as well. Watching with interest on here.

londonmummy1966 · 29/01/2023 22:37

Stop cooking for him or doing his laundry and explain that being expected to be his "mummy" and do everything for him is a sexual turn off so there'll be no bedroom action til he improves. Next time he asks for a drink say thank you - glad you've realised its your turn I'd love a cup of tea etc etc.

WHen he gets home hand him the baby, tell him its bedtime and lock yourself in the bathroom.

GrazingSheep · 29/01/2023 22:41

Unfortunately you are yet another woman who has joined the many women who have had a child with a fucking useless lazy man. He won’t change. Don’t have another child with him. Make sure you are not financially dependent. Go back to work. Look after yourself in terms of pension and career progression.

Sunriseinwonderland · 29/01/2023 22:46

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:24

He usually gets on the defensive and sighs. Says he will do more. He does a bit more for a day then goes back to the way it was.

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

Show quote history

Why on earth did you think it would change after having a baby when it hasn't changed for the last 10 years?
Some people seem to think babies have magical powers that will heal their relationship or change their men. They don't.
Basically he's been lazy for 10 years and he has no reason to change. Nothing you do or say will make him.
You have two options, stay and do everything or leave.
When I meet a man I make it clear right from the first day I'm not their maid and if they don't pull their weight they get chucked.

PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 22:47

JustDrama · 29/01/2023 22:35

I have similar but have no device. Things were ok ish when I worked in the office. Since I've worked from home it's like he doesn't think I work full time. The housework fairy must do it all. Also doesn't help that any sick children or striking teachers and closed schools can be dealt with my me. I k ow if I try and talk he'll get defensive. This issue is his standards are far lower than mine as well. Watching with interest on here.

So what if he gets defensive, though? You’re being treated poorly and you’re accepting it so that you don’t accept your partner. Why is his comfort and lack of upset more important than yours?

Original poster
Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:50

Sunriseinwonderland · 29/01/2023 22:46

Why on earth did you think it would change after having a baby when it hasn't changed for the last 10 years?
Some people seem to think babies have magical powers that will heal their relationship or change their men. They don't.
Basically he's been lazy for 10 years and he has no reason to change. Nothing you do or say will make him.
You have two options, stay and do everything or leave.
When I meet a man I make it clear right from the first day I'm not their maid and if they don't pull their weight they get chucked.

Show quote history

Because I was just too hopeful and stupid.

I’m finding this all really hard and part of me knows I deserve better than this but I want this to work. He’s got good qualities which is why I’m still with him but I’m getting so fed up with feeling like I have two children now.

OP posts:
CatJumperTwat · 29/01/2023 22:52

He's not funny, generous, kind, or any of the other stuff you said. He has no respect for you and he's a shit father.

This isn't salvageable. Time to make plans to leave when you're back at work.

Cherrysoup · 29/01/2023 22:55

Don’t do a scrap for him, literally hoover your side of the bedroom, not his. No food, no washing, no sex!

SpookyBlackCat · 29/01/2023 23:01

Marie Kondo had some good advice about this. She said to sit down together and divide up the chores that play to your strengths, so, for example, she is in charge of laundry and her husband is in charge of cooking. That means the whole chore, the planning, the execution, the clean-up.

I think you need to sit down with him again and figure out what he wants to do around the house and leave him to it. But, to be honest, I had a similar chat with my Ex many years ago and he agreed to take out the bins every week and didn't do it and it was the end for us. Ironically, in his new place he does everything for himself. I feel it was a case of why have a dog and bark yourself. Ultimately, you can't make someone care.

Rowen32 · 29/01/2023 23:02

How can he be very generous and thoughtful if that's how he carries on - that's appalling he leaves rubbish after himself in his own home. Stop doing anything for him, stop completely.

GlorianaCervixia · 29/01/2023 23:03

He won’t change. He’s quite happy with the way things are. All he has to do is placate you occasionally with a couple of days of effort and he can carry on treating you like a domestic appliance.

He doesn’t sound like a great father. He sounds like a lazy one who picks put all the easy, fun parts and leaves the drudgery for you. He sounds very, very selfish.

mamailla · 29/01/2023 23:15

OP, it's so easy on here for people to tell you to leave your husband. It really irritates me when people say "run" or "pack your bags and leave". I've seen it's so much. Someone will post about an argument they've had with their partner and 90% of the comments will be telling the poster to leave or get divorced. How is that the answer to the problem?

2023a · 29/01/2023 23:17

mamailla · 29/01/2023 23:15

OP, it's so easy on here for people to tell you to leave your husband. It really irritates me when people say "run" or "pack your bags and leave". I've seen it's so much. Someone will post about an argument they've had with their partner and 90% of the comments will be telling the poster to leave or get divorced. How is that the answer to the problem?

Soooo…where’s your advice? You’re complaining about other people’s, but haven’t given any of your own.

2023a · 29/01/2023 23:18

Chore charts, OP. And if he doesn’t get on board, he’s own his own. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry. Stop being his maid.

bakewellbride · 29/01/2023 23:21

What's his job?

mamailla · 29/01/2023 23:22

I'm not saying what's happening is fine. It's obviously very unfair and I can completely understand why you are so fed up. I hope he opens his eyes to how this is affecting you and makes a change. You clearly love each other and your child xxx

discobrain · 29/01/2023 23:27

When are people going to realise that having a baby isn't going to magically make these shitty fathers jump into action?

Stop doing ANYTHING for him. Not a single thing, no matter how small, and tell him no more takeaways.

discobrain · 29/01/2023 23:28

mamailla · 29/01/2023 23:15

OP, it's so easy on here for people to tell you to leave your husband. It really irritates me when people say "run" or "pack your bags and leave". I've seen it's so much. Someone will post about an argument they've had with their partner and 90% of the comments will be telling the poster to leave or get divorced. How is that the answer to the problem?

Maybe it's because so many of these men are like angry toddlers in adult bodies, and why should anyone put up with that?

Mmmmdanone · 29/01/2023 23:28

My ex was like this. I'd ask him to do more (eh clean the bathroom)and he'd do it once and never again. Now he has his own place and by all accounts is quite house proud. It's so insulting as he clearly thought when we lived together he had a live in maid.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/01/2023 23:31

Could you go home to your parents for a while since you are on maternity leave? Maybe him having no cook and not getting to see his baby might wake him up a bit. He sounds so selfish. I would be even more annoyed about him not going for walks/ lunch etc as they are the nice family things to do that make up for doing the hard bits.

JoanCandy · 29/01/2023 23:33

He knows that you’re exhausted.
He knows that his lack of help around the home upsets you.
He doesn’t care enough to change. In a nutshell.
Sorry, OP.
You’re quite right to suspect that your returning to work won’t improve things - of course it won’t, all you’ll do is give yourself a nervous breakdown trying to do everything and working on top.