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Original poster

Help me convince my partner to pull his weight more

107 replies

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:20

Been with DH for 10 years, we have a very young baby and I’m on maternity.

things I used to let go I’m finding very difficult now we have a baby and I’m finding that I’ve become really resentful of him.

  • I do all the cooking and cleaning. when I ask him to cook he refuses or gets a takeaway. I don’t want to keep eating takeaway.
  • I do all the baby prep. Meals and bottles etc.
  • He leaves his washing all over the place and doesn’t clear up after himself, when he eats something he leaves the plate on the floor or a packet of crisps on the floor for example.
  • Always demanding me to make him a drink yet never offers to make me one.
  • During pregnancy nothing changed, I still did everything up to 9 months pregnant.
  • takes over the sofa and tv when he’s home.

He is very good with our DC, she adores him and he adores her but again I do the majority of the work. He plays with her and does the fun things and I’m the one tidying around him. He does help sometimes but to get him to help with her I have to really ask, like to do bath or bedtime.

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest. But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes. He will only do big stuff with us like go away on holiday, or big days out which cost a lot. So it’s not often. I just feel lonely sometimes.

I csnt just leave the place in a state as I can’t live that way. We can’t get a cleaner as our place is small and wouldn’t be worth it.

I do love him and want this to work, he’s a nice person, he’s adores our DC, he’s funny and I enjoy his company and spending time together which at the moment it’s rare with DC. and he’s very generous and can be thoughtful but I’ll be honest I just want him to make me a home cooked dinner and offer to do the washing up for once. To take the initiate and tell me he’s got this for once as I’m exhausted.

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more, but it never changes and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to do I’m so tired.

I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him. what can I do to get him to help me more?

OP posts:
Smooshface · 30/01/2023 13:13

You could try reading "Fair Play" and following them on instagram (fairplaylife) to get some ideas on how to approach this. I would say this doesn't get better unless they are actually prepared to change. If you want more kids you have to accept that you will probably end up doing everything for them, regardless of your employment status.

My ex now does more and has the kids more often now we are separated. When we were together he would protect his me time most evenings and weekends and would do some cooking but that was really it with household chores, even when he was unemployed. I was a prat for having two kids with him but they are brilliant and love being just me and them most of the time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2023 13:19

"IMO it is salvageable and I wouldn't throw away my marriage over this"

How is this at all salvageable?. Do you really think that such a man would ever sit in front of a counsellor?.

It takes two to make a marriage work and he likes having the OP around to cook and clean up after him. And the second part of your sentence is a version of the sunk costs fallacy. What you forget here is that the damage has already been done. He being the Big Man here thinks that the chores and childcare are his wife's roles, not his. OP would not be a failure here if this marriage was to end and ending her marriage would give her a chance to move forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2023 13:22

And people only change if they themselves want to; not from out of you hoping for or wanting them to change.

Smooshface · 30/01/2023 13:22

PrincessConstance · 30/01/2023 11:29

I'm going to be controversial.
Why is one working full-time and long hrs does the other at home insist on 50/50?
And I've chores for sex again, that isn't true, is it? It's just a trope.

Ah, great that you don't think caring for an infant is a full time job in itself, and she should wait on him hand and foot because he deigns to leave the house to work instead....

She is only really asking for him to a bit more involved and to not expect her to pick up after him the whole time, hardly asking for him to do half of her "job", which she never gets to clock out from.

mamailla · 30/01/2023 13:27

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2023 13:19

"IMO it is salvageable and I wouldn't throw away my marriage over this"

How is this at all salvageable?. Do you really think that such a man would ever sit in front of a counsellor?.

It takes two to make a marriage work and he likes having the OP around to cook and clean up after him. And the second part of your sentence is a version of the sunk costs fallacy. What you forget here is that the damage has already been done. He being the Big Man here thinks that the chores and childcare are his wife's roles, not his. OP would not be a failure here if this marriage was to end and ending her marriage would give her a chance to move forward.

It is simply MY opinion. I'm not going to have a debate with you sorry.

Ponderingwindow · 30/01/2023 13:28

The best solution is what someone suggested above, dividing up the chores in a way that plays to your strengths.

if he won’t do that or agrees but doesn’t stick to it, then it’s time for divide and conquer. When he leaves dishes, clothing or trash lying around, add them to his pile. Don’t wash anything. Just let his pile grow.

Riceball · 30/01/2023 13:31

You have to make a massive change and let him see how serious you are. Otherwise your marriage is going to die slowly over the next few years.

KittyCatChat · 30/01/2023 13:45

Pack anything he leaves around the house (including washing up) into a box and put it in his car.

Stop doing anything for him.

Give him the baby and go out for the weekend.

All else fails. Leave him.

Original poster
Fedup178 · 30/01/2023 14:35

Thanks everyone, I am going to insist on a chores list. I’ve tried before but he shut me down on it straight away but I’ll have to be firmer now. I’m not firm enough really because I like to keep the peace.

Ive let things pile up before and the result was moldy glasses and plates next to where he sits, his clothes piled up in the bathroom so much that I can’t even get the door open easily etc and I gave in again. I like the idea of putting them in a bin bag and leaving it next to his chair. I need to find my anger.

Im not asking for a lot from him, I appreciate his job is stressful and long so I don’t mind doing more as I’m in maternity. I would just like for him on his day off to say that he will make me dinner sometimes, or offer me a drink, not demand I get him one. Take the bins out without me having to ask and ask. I feel like I have so much to do all the time I just want someone to say I’ve got this one. I’ve told him this so many times so he knows exactly how I feel, it’s nothing new.

I don’t have much support, my family all live quite far away so can’t pop round.

Going back to work is a major concern because I think I’ll break down if I still have to do all this but he’s saying he will do more when I go back, but he’s said this before.

OP posts:
PrincessConstance · 30/01/2023 14:41

Smooshface · 30/01/2023 13:22

Ah, great that you don't think caring for an infant is a full time job in itself, and she should wait on him hand and foot because he deigns to leave the house to work instead....

She is only really asking for him to a bit more involved and to not expect her to pick up after him the whole time, hardly asking for him to do half of her "job", which she never gets to clock out from.

Show quote history

No, I asked the question, which has created a debate.
Although I wouldn't say a baby is like a long hours job if he works in a demanding role. We don't know what his hrs are, commute, responsibility level, etc.
I have a BIG JOB, my role isn't a job whereby I could arrive home between 7-8 pm and start whizzing around the house with a broom up my arse and making dinner. Dp takes care of all that and asks nothing of me. Plus he handles his business and his children.
Now previously I wasn't a senior/manager I had a lot more time to devote to my personal and home life.

Obviously, it may just be a case of talking it out, adjustments need to be made once the op goes back to work. One working a big job with long hrs and the other not as intense then the other should pick up the slack and work as a team.
Both big jobs need outside help, nanny, cleaner, etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2023 14:45

I fear he will again shut you down re a chores list or makes such a poor job of it you will never ask him to do any chores again (which is also a win win for him). And besides which he is an adult not a child. You seem to be some quasi mother figure still to him. How many more chances are you going to give this man?.

Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing your child?.

Why do you not matter here to your own self?. This whole "trying to keep the peace" dynamic started somewhere too (likely also in your own childhood) and is ideal for someone like your man to exploit. How do you yourself perceive conflict?. I think you're afraid of him and certainly his reaction.

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2023 15:01

He doesn't need to change. You do. You need to learn to love yourself. Why have you stayed with someone who treats you like servant? Why gave you had a baby with someone like that? Why are you trying to teach a grown man respect? Respect yourself ffs! Go! Now! Don't soend another minute with this lover who doesn't care about you.

And stay single until you've fixed you. Fixed to the point that you no longer date contemptuous men children who are looking for maids, housekeepers and general servants instead of equal partnerships. Fixed to the point where you treat yourself with love and respect.

Don't waste any more of your life. Don't raise a child in an environment watching their mother act like a servant to a lazy, disrespectful dickhead. Thinking that shit is normal.

Just, go!

Ryder68 · 30/01/2023 15:19

Ive let things pile up before and the result was moldy glasses and plates next to where he sits, his clothes piled up in the bathroom so much that I can’t even get the door open easily etc and I gave in again

Letting you live like this, he has no real love for you or his child. Can you not see that?
No respect for you or his home, CBA with his child except for playtime......What is he bringing to this relationship?

EdithBond · 30/01/2023 15:50

You both have stressful, long-hours jobs. His is outside the home and paid. Yours is in the home and unpaid. I imagine you’re also “on call” 24/7. Maternity leave isn’t ‘being on leave’, it’s leave from your paid employment. If he thinks you should do such a demanding, unpaid job AND all the household chores, get him to take a week off to look after the baby and do all the housework, while you go out each day for exercise, pampering, cinema etc. Perhaps then the penny might drop how demanding looking after a baby is.

Smooshface · 30/01/2023 16:00

Don't waste any more of your life. Don't raise a child in an environment watching their mother act like a servant to a lazy, disrespectful dickhead. Thinking that shit is normal

This is so important. My mum and dad are retired now, my mum still does all the housework and cooking etc and makes most of the cups of tea of course! She's been retired 15 years, him 8. 8 years he's been sat on his bum letting her do that still. He won't even do the garden, she has to push the mower round herself. She washes up the cups, he just leaves them in the sink. If he doesn't change now he never will, there will never be a point where he suddenly gets it and does his share willingly.

wednesdaynamesep · 30/01/2023 16:08

DominoBlue · 30/01/2023 00:11

The fact he leaves plates and cups for you to pick up off the floor shows you exactly what he thinks of you. He thinks of you as his Mum/cleaner, you are not equals. There is no respect. Would you eat and leave a plate on the floor, expecting him to clear up after you? If he did it once you could call it a mistake, he forgot but as he does it all the time, it is a deliberate decision. He leaves his dirty plate, cup, washing etc as he thinks that is what you are for. He views you as beneath him, he thinks you are fit to pick up his crap.

You need to give him a shock, either move out or stop and withdraw labour totally. Put a binbag by the side of his bed/under the stair/garage and every item of clothing left on floor, paperwork, keys, coats, dirty plates and cups, put it all in the bag, dirty plates on top of clothes and running out of underwear may get through. You will need to overcome your desire to clean and really stick to get the message through. It may become a battle of wills.

To be honest, I don't think he will change as these men think that as they work, they are entitled to have a woman to cater for their every need. They think they are absolved from every other task. He is a misogynist I'm afraid and he thinks you are a lesser human than him, therefore you are the slave in the relationship. You mentioned he takes over the television when he is home, as again his choices and preferences are more important than yours. It is irrelevant if you also have a job or whether you have a child to care for as your job, wages, pension and freetime has to come second to him. His needs and wants are the most important thing, and you are there to facilitate it.

Does he ever ask you what you want, to drink, for dinner, on the television, to do on the weekend, to go on holidays, from life in general? It sounds like he doesn't even see you as an independent human with needs of your own. He views you as an aid to prop up his lifestyle. I bet he spends more on his "hobby" than you do on yourself. I expect you don't have equal spending money either.

You either:
1 get tough and demand a better life. There's a slim chance he will change.😂
2 put up with this is how you life is. And resent him for the rest of your life.
3 leave and carve out a life without a selfish shit in it.

I seriously think you need to think of your own future, get back to work full time, build you pension, train and get as many options as you can. Insist he pays towards childcare and makes up for the pension contributions you lost whilst on maternity. Women never think of this but mens pensions carry on as before and we miss out.

We need to start educating young women about what reality is about life with a man and what is and isn't reasonable.

This advice worked for me. My husband was nowhere as bad as yours OP, but still lazy in areas that drove me nuts (never cleaning the kitchen, leaving stuff everywhere). Every time he didn't do the dishes, I gathered them up and piled dirty dishes in his bed. He thought it was funny the first time, but not when it kept happening. He became a bit more careful about where he left his things after I started scooping them up and binning them. I once lost my rag completely and smashed a plate on the floor while yelling at him. He got a massive fright because that's not me at all. Things improved. I won't let anyone treat me with contempt and I told him so.

Musicaltheatremum · 30/01/2023 16:47

Someone has posted a thread about all these awful men. My first husband was a real team player with the children. I'm a GP and had to work weekends so he had to look after the kids. Sadly he developed a brain tumour so couldn't drive but still helped round the house. Current husband is amazing. I'm a lazy cow compared to him. I get breakfast in bed he cleans he washes up but then so does my dad who is 90!! My husband always says it's team work. His first wife contributed very little to the running of the house and that's a reason he divorced her. He is truly a gem.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 30/01/2023 17:07

The whole "But he has a big important job!" is bullshit. I'm married to a banker - he works for a slightly terrifying American Megabank and works bonkers hours, but he's still capable of putting his cups and plates in the dishwasher and shoving his underwear in the washing machine. Even if he's not always around for 50/50, he doesn't create more work for me.

I work full time, but when I was on mat leave with DS, he used to come home from the office and immediately take DS so I could have a shower/take a minute to myself. He also handled stuff like sterilizing bottles and doing the laundry. I remember him folding baby onesies while on a conference call with Sydney at some ungodly hour of the night.

Also, possibly an unpopular opinion, but if he's working crazy hours, he should be bringing in enough cash for a cleaner. DH and I has a cleaner when we lived in a 1 bedroom flat - no such thing as your home being too small to outsource the cleaning.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 17:35

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:20

Been with DH for 10 years, we have a very young baby and I’m on maternity.

things I used to let go I’m finding very difficult now we have a baby and I’m finding that I’ve become really resentful of him.

  • I do all the cooking and cleaning. when I ask him to cook he refuses or gets a takeaway. I don’t want to keep eating takeaway.
  • I do all the baby prep. Meals and bottles etc.
  • He leaves his washing all over the place and doesn’t clear up after himself, when he eats something he leaves the plate on the floor or a packet of crisps on the floor for example.
  • Always demanding me to make him a drink yet never offers to make me one.
  • During pregnancy nothing changed, I still did everything up to 9 months pregnant.
  • takes over the sofa and tv when he’s home.

He is very good with our DC, she adores him and he adores her but again I do the majority of the work. He plays with her and does the fun things and I’m the one tidying around him. He does help sometimes but to get him to help with her I have to really ask, like to do bath or bedtime.

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest. But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes. He will only do big stuff with us like go away on holiday, or big days out which cost a lot. So it’s not often. I just feel lonely sometimes.

I csnt just leave the place in a state as I can’t live that way. We can’t get a cleaner as our place is small and wouldn’t be worth it.

I do love him and want this to work, he’s a nice person, he’s adores our DC, he’s funny and I enjoy his company and spending time together which at the moment it’s rare with DC. and he’s very generous and can be thoughtful but I’ll be honest I just want him to make me a home cooked dinner and offer to do the washing up for once. To take the initiate and tell me he’s got this for once as I’m exhausted.

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more, but it never changes and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to do I’m so tired.

I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him. what can I do to get him to help me more?

He's not a nice person.

I can't see what's loveable about him.

And good dad's treat the mother of their children properly, not like skivvies.

I can't see the point of him.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 17:36

Fedup178 · 29/01/2023 22:24

He usually gets on the defensive and sighs. Says he will do more. He does a bit more for a day then goes back to the way it was.

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

Show quote history

Sorry. I'll never understand why people fall for this rubbish.

When they show you who they are, believe them

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 17:39

allfurcoatnoknickers · 30/01/2023 17:07

The whole "But he has a big important job!" is bullshit. I'm married to a banker - he works for a slightly terrifying American Megabank and works bonkers hours, but he's still capable of putting his cups and plates in the dishwasher and shoving his underwear in the washing machine. Even if he's not always around for 50/50, he doesn't create more work for me.

I work full time, but when I was on mat leave with DS, he used to come home from the office and immediately take DS so I could have a shower/take a minute to myself. He also handled stuff like sterilizing bottles and doing the laundry. I remember him folding baby onesies while on a conference call with Sydney at some ungodly hour of the night.

Also, possibly an unpopular opinion, but if he's working crazy hours, he should be bringing in enough cash for a cleaner. DH and I has a cleaner when we lived in a 1 bedroom flat - no such thing as your home being too small to outsource the cleaning.

And I bet he took your DS because he actually wanted to spend some time with his child!

So many men on here seem to be so disinterested in their own children.

Why did they bother?

allfurcoatnoknickers · 30/01/2023 17:50

@Nanny0gg Yes - absolutely adores DS. When he was teeny tiny he had me bring him into the office after he went back to paternity leave so he could show him off to the whole team. DS even got a cuddle from the (male) CFO 😂. Being a dad is a huge part of who he is.

I'm pregnant with #2 and he's taking the full paternity leave the megabank offers and is excitedly making plans for all the things we'll be doing as a family.

I don't think I could be married to a man who DGAF about being a husband and father. Is he perfect - absolutely not, but then, neither am I.

Soothsayer1 · 30/01/2023 18:08

@allfurcoatnoknickers
what a fab bloke your husband is, high 5 for him🖐😁

JJ8765 · 30/01/2023 18:09

There was research in media in December and researcher was interviewed on Women’s Hour Radio 4 about ‘manchild’ partners. You can find it on iPlayer. Do internet search for manchild+ sexual desire and research will show up I couldn’t get link to work. Research found if there’s inequality with household chores and a woman perceives her partner as a dependent (like having an extra child) this kills sexual desire. Give him a copy. Tell him as long he expects you to be his parent then you are going to be unable to see him as sexually attractive. You can be his partner or his parent but not both.

paintitallover · 30/01/2023 19:01

JJ8765 · 30/01/2023 18:09

There was research in media in December and researcher was interviewed on Women’s Hour Radio 4 about ‘manchild’ partners. You can find it on iPlayer. Do internet search for manchild+ sexual desire and research will show up I couldn’t get link to work. Research found if there’s inequality with household chores and a woman perceives her partner as a dependent (like having an extra child) this kills sexual desire. Give him a copy. Tell him as long he expects you to be his parent then you are going to be unable to see him as sexually attractive. You can be his partner or his parent but not both.

Oh my, that's brilliant.