Help me convince my partner to pull his weight more

[Fedup178]

Been with DH for 10 years, we have a very young baby and I’m on maternity.

things I used to let go I’m finding very difficult now we have a baby and I’m finding that I’ve become really resentful of him.

• I do all the cooking and cleaning. when I ask him to cook he refuses or gets a takeaway. I don’t want to keep eating takeaway.
• I do all the baby prep. Meals and bottles etc.
• He leaves his washing all over the place and doesn’t clear up after himself, when he eats something he leaves the plate on the floor or a packet of crisps on the floor for example.
• Always demanding me to make him a drink yet never offers to make me one.
• During pregnancy nothing changed, I still did everything up to 9 months pregnant.
• takes over the sofa and tv when he’s home.

He is very good with our DC, she adores him and he adores her but again I do the majority of the work. He plays with her and does the fun things and I’m the one tidying around him. He does help sometimes but to get him to help with her I have to really ask, like to do bath or bedtime.

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest. But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes. He will only do big stuff with us like go away on holiday, or big days out which cost a lot. So it’s not often. I just feel lonely sometimes.

I csnt just leave the place in a state as I can’t live that way. We can’t get a cleaner as our place is small and wouldn’t be worth it.

I do love him and want this to work, he’s a nice person, he’s adores our DC, he’s funny and I enjoy his company and spending time together which at the moment it’s rare with DC. and he’s very generous and can be thoughtful but I’ll be honest I just want him to make me a home cooked dinner and offer to do the washing up for once. To take the initiate and tell me he’s got this for once as I’m exhausted.

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more, but it never changes and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to do I’m so tired.

I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him. what can I do to get him to help me more?

😂 I knew someone was going to ask me that...soooo I would rather give no advice at all than give shit advice.

OP asked for advice. People are giving theirs. If you’ve got nothing to offer, consider leaving no comment, rather than leaving shit pointless comments.

Look, you can the "discuss reasonably like grownups" thing.

You can draw up a chores chart "together" (and hope against hope that he'll do his bit)

You can go on strike and stop cooking, washing and having sex with him (if you have resolve and nerves of steel).

But be prepared for none of this to work. Because people hardly ever change.

He treats you with total disrespect. Are you prepared to live like this, for ever and ever (or until one day he leaves you because you are no longer any fun and he has found a new model...)

I'd put together an exit plan. Better safe than sorry.

DH worked away 5.5 days a week when DD was tiny. He did far more than half of whatever needed to be done when he was at home (night feeds, nappies, laundry, cooking, cleaning, having Dd so I could sleep or have a bath).

So unless your partner is a brain surgeon or astronaut, I’m not sure he should be getting any domestic slack for being out working.

Yes maam. Im awfully sorry. I won't do it again. Lol

He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.

Sigh. You're yet another woman who thought their useless husband would magically change when you popped out a baby. Surprise, surprise, it didn't happen. It will never happen. The man you chose to marry is the man you are stuck with if you choose to stay with him.

The fact he leaves plates and cups for you to pick up off the floor shows you exactly what he thinks of you. He thinks of you as his Mum/cleaner, you are not equals. There is no respect. Would you eat and leave a plate on the floor, expecting him to clear up after you? If he did it once you could call it a mistake, he forgot but as he does it all the time, it is a deliberate decision. He leaves his dirty plate, cup, washing etc as he thinks that is what you are for. He views you as beneath him, he thinks you are fit to pick up his crap.

You need to give him a shock, either move out or stop and withdraw labour totally. Put a binbag by the side of his bed/under the stair/garage and every item of clothing left on floor, paperwork, keys, coats, dirty plates and cups, put it all in the bag, dirty plates on top of clothes and running out of underwear may get through. You will need to overcome your desire to clean and really stick to get the message through. It may become a battle of wills.

To be honest, I don't think he will change as these men think that as they work, they are entitled to have a woman to cater for their every need. They think they are absolved from every other task. He is a misogynist I'm afraid and he thinks you are a lesser human than him, therefore you are the slave in the relationship. You mentioned he takes over the television when he is home, as again his choices and preferences are more important than yours. It is irrelevant if you also have a job or whether you have a child to care for as your job, wages, pension and freetime has to come second to him. His needs and wants are the most important thing, and you are there to facilitate it.

Does he ever ask you what you want, to drink, for dinner, on the television, to do on the weekend, to go on holidays, from life in general? It sounds like he doesn't even see you as an independent human with needs of your own. He views you as an aid to prop up his lifestyle. I bet he spends more on his "hobby" than you do on yourself. I expect you don't have equal spending money either.

You either:
1 get tough and demand a better life. There's a slim chance he will change.😂
2 put up with this is how you life is. And resent him for the rest of your life.
3 leave and carve out a life without a selfish shit in it.

I seriously think you need to think of your own future, get back to work full time, build you pension, train and get as many options as you can. Insist he pays towards childcare and makes up for the pension contributions you lost whilst on maternity. Women never think of this but mens pensions carry on as before and we miss out.

We need to start educating young women about what reality is about life with a man and what is and isn't reasonable.

So he expects to come home from work and do absolutely nothing except order a takeaway if you ask him to cook and he doesn't want to. He doesn't tidy up after himself, and leaves stuff all over the place for you to deal with. Lazy disrepectful bastard.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. Arm yourself with a black sack. Put everything he leaves lying around in the sack. Clothes, mugs, plates, cutlery, mobile chargers, trainers, beer cans, keys, used takeaway containers, the lot. Put it in the garage, in the cupboard under the stairs, the boot of your car, anywhere so it is out of your way. Wait until he starts asking where things are and then present him with the sack. If that doesn't do the trick I don't know what will.

Hide the remote control in the baby's cot under the bedclothes. He'll never find it.

For a start, stop picking up his laundry. If it’s not in the laundry bag, it doesn’t get washed. Don’t hoover/clean round his side of the bed if it’s a mess.

I'm so sorry, he won't change. Stop doing any wife work for him and concentrate on your own happiness.

Do you have family support?

Why is it shit advice to tell op to leave someone who has no respect for her @mamailla ? We don’t all want to put up with a lazy manchild just because he’s the father of the baby and can be nice sometimes. He’s treating you like an unpaid servant, and it’s not ok. Nothing changed even though he said it would - the only person who can change the situation is you op.

Why do you want this to work so?. It will only work if he is fully on board which he is not and will never be. What you have tried to date has not worked. Your two choices now are stay or leave him with and to his mess, it’s that stark I am afraid.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

He is happy as he is and such men do not change, this is who he is and he sees you as some domestic servant/household appliance. Do not stay in such an unequal marriage for your child or because he can be nice sometimes as she will not thank you for doing so.

Why did you think he would suddenly stop treating you like a mum and behaving like a child? He doesn't see that any of it is his job.....and no he's not good with baby just because he plays with her he's not being a father but a big brother.
Why did you do everything before? Did you think it was your job?
Has he looked after baby on his own yet? If not get up and go out saying baby needs a feed in an hour I'll be back in 2 ....

Not another one.

can this be a massive message to all dads and mums to teach their sons and daughters they are EQUAL in their responsibility for the home environment and everyone who lives in a home has a responsibility to do their share ?

And women, raise your standards NOW, and ask that each person looks after their fair share of work in the home and work outside the home. Or they do it all, on their own in a single adult household

He’s not going to change.

When you leave, your workload will go down (and your blood pressure) because you won’t be picking up crisp-packets for one.

He can “adore” his daughter EoW.

My ex used to claim he did “loads” - when I left his house was disgusting. I’d open the fridge and I swear 8 years on that smell is still up my nose. The toilet was unusable (outside of a men’s nightclub) with no bog roll and the whole place smelled of damp.

He lives in a VERY tidy house these days. I’m sure he thinks it’s HIS work, I suspect it’s more along the lines of his gf who is a “good house wife”.

As others have said stop enabling him!

Tell him you’re no longer going to pick up anything of his, you are not his maid and will not be enabling his behaviour anymore. start with him leaving dirty clothes on the floor.

Be explicit, say to him “I will not be picking up your dirty clothes anymore. If they aren’t put in the wash basket, they won’t be washed and you’ll run out of clean clothes.”

See how that goes!

It’s so sad that women put up with this shit. I was talking to some women at the weekend. All in their 50s and 60s. They were quite shocked to hear my Dh cooks, he tidys up after himself(!), he fills and empties the dishwasher, hoovers etc etc. They mostly laughed and said their Hs have never even opened the dishwasher door never mind put anything in it. I couldn’t live with such a selfish, pathetic person. @Fedup178 Do you want to still be living like this when you’re in your 50s?

He treats you like his personal skivvy, and you behave like it, why would he change that? It’s you who needs to change, stop getting him drinks on demand FFS, don’t do any thing for him. Or better still leave because he’s a lazy, entitled misogynist who has zero respect for you.

He sounds like my brother in law. He has always expected my sister to pick up after him, just like his mother did before her. She had lost her shit with him a million times, done the chore charts, begged and pleaded. They've been married for 7 years and have a 6 year old DS, and he still does pretty much fuck all.

The only reason he does slightly more now, is that my sister got a new job which meant she was out of the house early morning and back home late evening 3 days a week, so he simply had to step up. He still moans about it though, and sends his DS to school in all sorts of ridiculous uniform combinations, and whinges about having to do household stuff 'on my day off' 🙄 so bottom line is, he won't change OP

I'd tell him he changes or I'm leaving, or he is. And mean it.

People rarely change unless they are forced to. Your ability to force him are limited as you didn’t walk out before dcs when you had more power.

could you get him to take the 2nd half of your Mat leave and go back full time early? He gets to be a SAHD for a couple of months and you are out of the house and he has to do the work. I would sell it to him as one of the few chances he would get to get a long break and if his job is stressful. He would have no choice then.

or you divorce and he’s forced to clean his own home or live in a hovel. Or you go back full time and get him to pay for a cleaner.

but he will not change as he doesn’t need to - the current set up works for him.

OP, I wonder if he'd read this:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288/amp

There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her.
I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her ― literally causes her pain ― because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

Ugh, quote formatting didn't work. That second part is a quote form the blog. Reading it as a woman I do find it a bit eye-rolly, but for a man who "doesn't see" why he needs to pick up his own bloody plate, it could be a helpful kick up the bum.

A lot of men do have lower standards. They would happily eat shit and live in a pigsty if they were by themselves. But if you live with someone you’re meant to love, you compromise a bit to make them happy. This is salvageable if you can communicate effectively and if you can see each other’s point of view, but it does require that if he agrees to do something, he actually does it without nagging etc. He needs to know that you are not accepting it any more.

I would recommend an initial meeting where you agree chores. Write down what you’re both doing and pin it up somewhere prominent. Then have weekly check ins to see how it’s going. Don’t do the stuff he has agreed to do and don’t interfere with how he does it.

This will be a big ask for him and telling whether he participates or not. It also sounds like he takes you for granted generally, so you might need a separate discussion around how you show love for each other. I would consider marriage counselling - relate offer a discount if you are on low income.