Help me convince my partner to pull his weight more

[Fedup178]

Been with DH for 10 years, we have a very young baby and I’m on maternity.

things I used to let go I’m finding very difficult now we have a baby and I’m finding that I’ve become really resentful of him.

• I do all the cooking and cleaning. when I ask him to cook he refuses or gets a takeaway. I don’t want to keep eating takeaway.
• I do all the baby prep. Meals and bottles etc.
• He leaves his washing all over the place and doesn’t clear up after himself, when he eats something he leaves the plate on the floor or a packet of crisps on the floor for example.
• Always demanding me to make him a drink yet never offers to make me one.
• During pregnancy nothing changed, I still did everything up to 9 months pregnant.
• takes over the sofa and tv when he’s home.

He is very good with our DC, she adores him and he adores her but again I do the majority of the work. He plays with her and does the fun things and I’m the one tidying around him. He does help sometimes but to get him to help with her I have to really ask, like to do bath or bedtime.

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest. But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes. He will only do big stuff with us like go away on holiday, or big days out which cost a lot. So it’s not often. I just feel lonely sometimes.

I csnt just leave the place in a state as I can’t live that way. We can’t get a cleaner as our place is small and wouldn’t be worth it.

I do love him and want this to work, he’s a nice person, he’s adores our DC, he’s funny and I enjoy his company and spending time together which at the moment it’s rare with DC. and he’s very generous and can be thoughtful but I’ll be honest I just want him to make me a home cooked dinner and offer to do the washing up for once. To take the initiate and tell me he’s got this for once as I’m exhausted.

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more, but it never changes and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to do I’m so tired.

I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him. what can I do to get him to help me more?

You can't make him change. You can only control your reaction to how he is.

My DH works extremely long hours (out of house 5.30 am to 7.30 pm) in an extremely stressful job where mistakes have huge consequences (nuclear sector) and yet he still manages to be a full time parent and supportive partner when he's home. Long hours and stres at work are not an excuse for lazy, shit parenting.

He’s got good qualities which is why I’m still with him but I’m getting so fed up with feeling like I have two children now.

well, you apparently think the good outweighs the bad. Have you written it in a table with pros/cons? and give things a weighting for how much they please you (positive weighting like +2) or annoy/upset you (negative weighting -2)
And add it up.
because although you haven't posted much he'd pretty much have to be a combination of Tom Hiddleston and Keanu Reeves in all other respects to get me to stay with him.

Just start laughing at him. Kick the plate against his ankles, drop the crisp packet on his knees. Pile his shit on his side of the bed. Look after your own stuff and just bundle his dirt into his space. Sometimes people do sort themselves out if the grown up in the room makes it very clear they aren't going to do their adulting for them.

IMO this isn’t laziness but a lack or respect and care.

Anyone who loves and respects their partner won’t sit back and watch them run themselves into the ground and not do their share (it isn’t ‘helping out’).

I don’t see how it could ever get better after DC either, they bring more work not less.

I don’t really have useful advice I’m afraid but I do think we need to reframe it.

Oh yes the miracle suddenly pulls their weight once becoming a father type man.
Which doesn’t exist.
You have told him repeatedly and asked for help but he does because there’s no consequences. Find some

Doesn’t I mean

These posts nearly always start with "he adores his DC". No he does not, or he would do more than fun playtime. He would not treat his DC mother like a servant, either.

He's doesn't care enough about you to help. Stop doing stuff for him. He'll either step up or he won't. Either way, you'll have clarity on how to move forward.

Start bagging up his mess. Dishes. Clothes. Rubbish. Leave it next to his side of the bed in closed bags.

He can deal with it.

Wash your own stuff and dc's.

I'm going to be controversial.
Why is one working full-time and long hrs does the other at home insist on 50/50?
And I've chores for sex again, that isn't true, is it? It's just a trope.

That's just my opinion. I will respect others opinions and advice on telling her to leave him and i will take back what I said about it being shit advice BUT I still don't agree with it. IMO it is salvageable and I wouldn't throw away my marriage over this and I'm sure that's not what OP wants. In her original post, she said that she wants for things to work out and that she does love him, hence why I didn't think that was the best advice. That's all. For example, if they went to couples therapy/marriage councilling or whatever, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't tell them to just get divorced. There are things that you can work through and there's hope and that's basically what I wanted the OP to know. I agree that OP should not have to put up with this. I am not defending her husband. I think some of the advice given such as dividing up the chores, putting her foot down more, leaving him to do his own laundry, refusing to wait on him hand and foot etc is better advice, as there's a chance things can change if he finally sees how much this situation is affecting his wife. If he loves her, he might just do anything to save their marriage and start pulling his weight more. If he doesn't and she really can't take it anymore and believes that leaving is the only option, then that's her choice (and his fault). I'm just saying it's not the only option. I do believe people can change. You don't have to agree with that. You're entitled to your own beliefs, as am I.

I've seen.

I actually agree with this too

'These posts nearly always start with "he adores his DC"

So true. It sounds like he picks up the baby and plays with her when he can be arsed. Thats not parenting. He 'adores' her when she's convenient and when he's in the mood to be around her

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest.
So if you ask him to do anything he brings up his big job and makes you feel bad about asking him? Do you generally tend to feel undeserving, guilty/like a bad/pushy person when you ask for things? Do you generally feel inferior to other people, or just him? You're exhausted, but it's not worth getting a cleaner - says who? You? Why?

But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes.
Have you tried leaving the baby with him and going out? Starting up a hobby? If the answer is no because the baby has to go out sometimes ... well, then if he's alone with her, he'll have to take her out, right?

My advice would be first: to try to make things fairer for yourself in the short term. You need time off, and to talk to other people, so that you can get in a better frame of mind, think clearly, feel more confident and stop seeing his wishes as more important than yours. Get hobbies, meet friends, do sports. Seek therapy, look after your mental health.

Second, your marriage is built on sand and you need to make sure you'll be OK in the long term whether he's there/cooperative or not - whoever it is that leaves/has an affair/checks out. Make sure you know who's earning what and where the money is going, and don't give up on paid work.

Don't have any more children with him, he will only get worse.

Her chief issue is what will happen when she goes back to work. From the OP: ‘I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him.’

When asked what he was like pre baby, when they both worked FT. ‘He’s always been the same, I just genuinely thought it would change after having a baby as he assured me it would but it hasn’t.’

So, unless your controversial stance is that she should do all housework while working FT, not sure what you’re point is. The ‘chores for sex’ bit was particularly unclear.

OP is not insisting anything; she's asking. She's not asking her dp to do 50% of all the chores and childcare that are required every week. She's not even asking him to do 50% of the chores and childcare that come up when they are both at home (which would be fair enough, why not?). She's asking him to go for a walk with the family, occasionally make dinner or a cup of tea and stop littering their home.

Your problem is that he doesn't respect you. He sees you as there's to cater to his needs alone. I'm guessing he's the same in the bedroom too?

When my mum married my dad (over 45 years ago), she has the same problem. He was used to his mummy doing everything for him. After talking to him didn't work, she just stopped picking up after him. Left his washing on the floor where he dropped it, put his dishes on the kitchen worktop till they piled up, only made herself food and drink. She even shopped only for herself. He soon caught on.

She instilled in myself and my sister to make sure the man you marry can look after himself. There's nothing more unattractive than a thirty something manbaby!

OP you worth more. Try stopping doing anything for him for a few weeks. If it works, great. If not, you have some hard decisions to make.

Who's insisting on 50/50? She's on maternity leave. Juggling a new baby and ALL the household chores. Her life has completely changed. His has remained the same. He doesn't even parent, just plays with the baby!

What's going to happen when she returns to work? He needs to step the fuck up!

It's perfectly normal to think that the person you are with and have created a family with is trustworthy and wants the same as you do, sadly most of us find out the hard way that it was all just an act.
Don't beat yourself up, things that are obvious in hindsight were not at all obvious at the time, we can all point at the red flags...... in the rear view mirror!
The important thing now is to understand clearly what's really going on and make a plan for yourself where you are in control and you have the upper hand.

Make that man child a sticker chart, tell him if he's going to act like an overgrown child, you'll treat him like one.

It's not about 50/50. It's about why a parent has no interest in being a parent to their baby. Why isn't he rushing home from work in order to spend time with his baby who he's missed throughout the day? Why isn't he grabbing the opportunity to spend time with his family doing nice things at the weekend having been working all week?

Doesn't he like his family? Why is it a chore to spend time with them?

Looking after a baby is “working full time and long hours”. That’s why you have to pay for childcare. OP is still working full-time, but in an unpaid capacity.