Help me convince my partner to pull his weight more

[Fedup178]

Been with DH for 10 years, we have a very young baby and I’m on maternity.

things I used to let go I’m finding very difficult now we have a baby and I’m finding that I’ve become really resentful of him.

• I do all the cooking and cleaning. when I ask him to cook he refuses or gets a takeaway. I don’t want to keep eating takeaway.
• I do all the baby prep. Meals and bottles etc.
• He leaves his washing all over the place and doesn’t clear up after himself, when he eats something he leaves the plate on the floor or a packet of crisps on the floor for example.
• Always demanding me to make him a drink yet never offers to make me one.
• During pregnancy nothing changed, I still did everything up to 9 months pregnant.
• takes over the sofa and tv when he’s home.

He is very good with our DC, she adores him and he adores her but again I do the majority of the work. He plays with her and does the fun things and I’m the one tidying around him. He does help sometimes but to get him to help with her I have to really ask, like to do bath or bedtime.

He works a stressful job with long hours so in his days off he doesn’t want to do anything, and I get he needs a rest. But he also doesn’t like to do days out or come out with us at all during his days off as he thinks it’s boring to go for walks or lunch etc, so on his days off I take our baby out and he stays at home or does a hobby he likes. He will only do big stuff with us like go away on holiday, or big days out which cost a lot. So it’s not often. I just feel lonely sometimes.

I csnt just leave the place in a state as I can’t live that way. We can’t get a cleaner as our place is small and wouldn’t be worth it.

I do love him and want this to work, he’s a nice person, he’s adores our DC, he’s funny and I enjoy his company and spending time together which at the moment it’s rare with DC. and he’s very generous and can be thoughtful but I’ll be honest I just want him to make me a home cooked dinner and offer to do the washing up for once. To take the initiate and tell me he’s got this for once as I’m exhausted.

I’ve had the same conversation with him over and over again, that I need him to pull his weight a bit more, but it never changes and I’m struggling. I don’t know what else to do I’m so tired.

I’m worried when I go back to work that it still won’t change, and I’ve raised this sign him. what can I do to get him to help me more?

All of this. Sorry OP. He doesn’t want to change so he won’t.

He doesn’t care enough about you, or the impact all this has on you, to change.

You can waste your time banging your head against a wall on endless ‘strategies’ to make him change, but he won’t. You are in the mindset of thinking if only you can find the right words, the right way to get through to him, he will change and everything will be ok.
The problem with this is that you are kidding yourself that this is a communication problem. But it’s not. You speak perfectly good English. He understands English perfectly.

He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. It would take him enormous effort to change and he has no motivation to do so. Your health and happiness are not enough motivation.

Keep your financial independence so you are always in a position to leave. You don’t want to end up trapped in a life of bitterness against a man you have grown to hold in contempt.

Honestly OP, you’ll have less to do if you leave. Not only will you not have all his stuff to cook and clean, but just letting go of the mental effort and stress of thinking for him, trying to organize him, trying to get him to do stuff.

Just being able to let go of all that mental load and just getting on with stuff yourself, in your own place, is so liberating!

@Soothsayer1 He's pretty great 😁.

OP - I say all of this, not to brag or be smug, but to point out that having a big, important job is not an excuse for being a shit husband and dad.

DH has to do a call with clients tomorrow night at 7pm, so yes I'll be on my own doing dinner and bedtime for DS, but once he gets off the phone, he'll sort the washing up, wipe down the counters, reheat his own dinner etc.

op really - you will get no better support out of this man, cut your losses now. (from someone with experience of a similar ex!)

From your description, he isn't a great dad - he's a pretty appalling one. He isnt' a great partner - he does the bare minimum, thinks you're his servant and doesn't care he's making you unhappy.

You would be so much happier away from him. And your life would be easier.

You know that he isn’t going to change and you’re realising that him being nice some of the time doesn’t make up for him being a lazy slob around the house. He knows that he has no intention of changing who he is, because he doesn’t respect you.

The good thing is that he has a strong bond with your child. Hopefully it means that he will see her regularly when you separate, but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t as he is so selfish.

I haven't read all the thread but what I can tell you is he won't change. My ex husband was like this, absolutely lovely guy but lazy. I divorced him before we had kids though thankfully and have now met an amazing man and we work as a team and I don't have to ask him to do anything.

I know this isn't helpful but I'm just being honest. You've tried asking and still nothing changes. There is your answer. If you don't leave, in a few more years you'll resent him so much that you won't be able to successfully co-parent so get out now whilst you can.