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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long affair

131 replies

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 17:55

I have been seeing a married man for 4 years. He is obviously not happy at home. I need to end it but love him. Do I give him an ultimatum

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 21:02

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 18:17

He stays out of duty.

That's his choice. Let him. Find someone else and stop wasting your time.

DestinysGrandchild · 29/01/2023 21:25

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 20:54

I'm not doing anything wrong

Which part of shagging a married man isn't you doing anything wrong?

He's a dick but he's hardly kept his family a secret from you has he? End it for the wife's sake for fuck sake.

feelingfree17 · 29/01/2023 21:32

Of course he tells you he’s not happy at home.
It’s the ultimate line.

Tayloru · 29/01/2023 21:42

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 20:54

I'm not doing anything wrong

What is it about some people who feel empowered because they think they can make someone else’s partner happier.

You’re not doing anything wrong? Have you given any thought to his wife?

ultimately he’s the dick as he’s married and shoulders the majority of the responsibility here, he decided to have an affair, but you’re definitely part of what is wrong here. You are doing something wrong as well.

He’s not going to leave his wife, you don’t know that you can make him happier.

Get some self respect and grow up. Find a single man.

Mirroredlove · 29/01/2023 21:45

Regardless of who’s right or wrong-you are wasting your life on a man who doesn’t want you. You only think he does because he tells you he does, it’s a lie and for some reason…even after years you’re still not seeing it. Honestly wake up!! Stop wasting your life!! There’s loads of guys out there!

ZaphodDent · 29/01/2023 21:57

Please wake up and smell the coffee.

He has fed you a line, and he probably believes it himself.

One day you'll look back at all this and realise you have been played. You have been groomed. The question is when will that realisation be? Because you're wasting the best years of your life giving sex and excitement to someone who has no intention of being with you.

And even if he did leave his wife? Congratulations, you just bagged yourself a cheat and someone you will never be able to trust. Because he'll sure as hell do the same thing to you.

The sooner you leave him far behind, the sooner you wake up to how badly you've been treated, how low your self esteem has been. The road to recovery and a happier life can start today if you want it to.

nc1013 · 29/01/2023 21:59

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 20:54

I'm not doing anything wrong

Surely this is fake? Or the wife doing a reverse?

workiskillingme · 29/01/2023 22:57

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 17:55

I have been seeing a married man for 4 years. He is obviously not happy at home. I need to end it but love him. Do I give him an ultimatum

Totally incorrect
He's as happy as a pig in muck or he would have made every effort to be with you he's known you long enough
Don't be another naive woman missing your chance for full happiness with someone who wouldn't give you the drippings off the end of his nose

pocketvenuss · 30/01/2023 00:03

I don't think thread is legit. OP your short answers sound like cliches designed to get people riled up and commenting.

SomeareDeluded · 30/01/2023 00:46

Shaking head in disbelief at this OP.
Try asking his wife if she thinks what you are both doing is wrong or not?

Let's start with colluding to deny his wife her reality to make informed decisions for 4 years, yes 4 years of her life fgs. Denying his wife agency. Colluding in lies, having family money spent on you no doubt, putting her physical and mental health at risk.

Next you'll come out with the old chestnut 'he doesn't have sex with his wife' - I can assure you he does and possibly the best sex he's ever had.

MsDogLady · 30/01/2023 05:09

Rosie, your writing style is very familiar.

Are you the poster who came clean to your AP’s Wife last fall re your lengthy sexual affair, after initially lying to her? If so, she’d been in counseling and believed they were working on their marriage when she found your name and made contact. He had a history of infidelity, so she said she wouldn’t forgive another PA. When you finally admitted to that, she was distraught. You were missing him and having a hard time, even though the affair was limited to his sneaking over to yours for sex. I wondered if he’d managed to talk both of you round, but I hoped you were staying strong.

Whether or not you are that poster, how do you justify continuing to degrade yourself and his Wife with this morally bankrupt loser?

Guavafish1 · 30/01/2023 05:46

Dump him... he is using you!

You're wasting your life being second best and in the shadows.

If he really loved you, he would be with you! Even if it means going through a tricky separation and divorce.

4 years on ... I'm afraid he has been stringing along and he would leave even with an ultimative.

Bellalalala · 30/01/2023 05:53

Of course you are wrong. He is worse.

This man, who think is a prize, has no problem lying to his wife. Deceiving her when he promised not. And you are part of that.

What I never get with OW/OM is that you can see he is capable of lying and deceiving their spouse. You can see they aren’t a good person and yet want them. In your case it seems to be that you think he wouldn’t lie, deceive and cheat on you because you are better than her. Maybe you need to feel like that, that you are better than someone else. You need the ego boost of that. But you aren’t better than her. Even he doesn’t think that, because he is still with her.

Cocobutt · 30/01/2023 06:09

Have you given him the ultimatum yet?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 09:58

He's not going to leave her. If he leaves he's got a £30k bill for a divorce, loses half his house minimum, half his savings, any inheritances and half his pension. Any kids will hate him and take their mums side. If he takes 50-50 childcare to avoid child support he has to do more parenting than he will be doing currently.

Most of us will be older than you & know how practical men are at times like this. A good example is that women diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer are statistically more likely to be left by a husband than a man by a wife because they don't have to divorce the cancer is a free divorce.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2023 10:05

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 09:58

He's not going to leave her. If he leaves he's got a £30k bill for a divorce, loses half his house minimum, half his savings, any inheritances and half his pension. Any kids will hate him and take their mums side. If he takes 50-50 childcare to avoid child support he has to do more parenting than he will be doing currently.

Most of us will be older than you & know how practical men are at times like this. A good example is that women diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer are statistically more likely to be left by a husband than a man by a wife because they don't have to divorce the cancer is a free divorce.

And he loses his Shag-on-the-side

oswoldmont · 30/01/2023 15:08

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 09:58

He's not going to leave her. If he leaves he's got a £30k bill for a divorce, loses half his house minimum, half his savings, any inheritances and half his pension. Any kids will hate him and take their mums side. If he takes 50-50 childcare to avoid child support he has to do more parenting than he will be doing currently.

Most of us will be older than you & know how practical men are at times like this. A good example is that women diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer are statistically more likely to be left by a husband than a man by a wife because they don't have to divorce the cancer is a free divorce.

And they say romance is dead!

jtaeapa · 30/01/2023 20:31

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 20:54

I'm not doing anything wrong

Legally, no you’re not doing anything wrong.

But morally, you are doing something very wrong. As you’re a human being, you should try to show a bit of humanity. And not do things that will hurt others.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/01/2023 20:59

You have to walk away

even if he did leave her you’d never trust him and there would be a toxic aftermath

also if hes lied for FOUR years
thats a long time to lie to two women !!

I know it’s boring as fuck but understanding why your self esteem let you stay in this for 4 years will help you heal

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/01/2023 21:01

good example is that women diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer are statistically more likely to be left by a husband than a man by a wife because they don't have to divorce the cancer is a free divorce

I was having a bad day anyway and this has killed me
jesus 😭

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 21:38

Good job I didn’t tell you about the ones who bring their new gf to the nursing home. I’ve seen that more than once too.

ReneBumsWombats · 30/01/2023 21:53

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 21:38

Good job I didn’t tell you about the ones who bring their new gf to the nursing home. I’ve seen that more than once too.

I've heard of cheap dates, but that's ridiculous.

WeepyWillow · 30/01/2023 22:34

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 21:38

Good job I didn’t tell you about the ones who bring their new gf to the nursing home. I’ve seen that more than once too.

I don't understand what you mean?

WeepyWillow · 30/01/2023 22:35

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/01/2023 09:58

He's not going to leave her. If he leaves he's got a £30k bill for a divorce, loses half his house minimum, half his savings, any inheritances and half his pension. Any kids will hate him and take their mums side. If he takes 50-50 childcare to avoid child support he has to do more parenting than he will be doing currently.

Most of us will be older than you & know how practical men are at times like this. A good example is that women diagnosed with a terminal illness like cancer are statistically more likely to be left by a husband than a man by a wife because they don't have to divorce the cancer is a free divorce.

I don't understand your second paragraph

Londonsummer · 30/01/2023 23:06

nc1013 · 29/01/2023 21:59

Surely this is fake? Or the wife doing a reverse?

Show quote history

I agree completely. Sounds like a fake and a troll drip feeding non sense.

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