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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long affair

131 replies

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 17:55

I have been seeing a married man for 4 years. He is obviously not happy at home. I need to end it but love him. Do I give him an ultimatum

OP posts:
PilatesPeach · 29/01/2023 18:50

He is not staying out of duty - this is what he tells you but almost certainly, he likes his set up and is still having sex with his wife and enjoys you as his extra excitement with free no strings sex.

He almost certainly won't leave and if he does, he may well feel guilty and be miserable with you and may well go back or to and fro - he has no reason to change anything as he has everything how he wants. It will be expensive if he leaves too. If he has children, he will feel guilty and they may well stop speaking to him plus his family will likely be unhappy with him leaving and will not accept you.
His poor wife does not deserve this - he is deceiving her and depriving her of the opportunity of knowing the truth and taking away her power to make a decision about leaving him.
You cannot build you happiness on someone else's unhappiness.
Nice people do not have affairs - they have a conscience.

PregnantandPissedoff · 29/01/2023 18:51

He wont be happier with you, otherwise he'd be with you. He gets to have a family, a home, a doting wife, and excitement on the side.
You get to have.... Nothing. Which is what you deserve for believing his bullshit and fucking a married man.
"He's different" "he loves me" "he's not happy" yep that's the script.

weightymatters73 · 29/01/2023 18:52

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 17:55

I have been seeing a married man for 4 years. He is obviously not happy at home. I need to end it but love him. Do I give him an ultimatum

I know you won't like to hear this but, its not duty why he's at home, and hes not unhappy at home....

He's very very happy as he has a wife and family AND an uncomplaining bit on the side.

He will still be shagging his wife, and you too.

He will be very very happy with how it is right now.

lifelongrest · 29/01/2023 18:55

I take it this is a ‘wind them up and them go’ thread?

These men are often happy at home and happy having an affair.

if this is a genuine post, he’s wasting years of your life and hers.

ArcticSkewer · 29/01/2023 18:57

weightymatters73 · 29/01/2023 18:52

I know you won't like to hear this but, its not duty why he's at home, and hes not unhappy at home....

He's very very happy as he has a wife and family AND an uncomplaining bit on the side.

He will still be shagging his wife, and you too.

He will be very very happy with how it is right now.

Show quote history

I know that's the mumsnet myth but he could easily be pretty unhappy. He may well be staying for the children for example, or cultural or religious reasons.

He still doesn't want to leave for the op though, or he would.

TheWelshTart · 29/01/2023 18:59

SummerWinds · 29/01/2023 18:04

If he were to leave his wife which is unlikely as he has the best of both worlds, you would go from poacher to gamekeeper. How could you trust him knowing what he's capable of ?

Now THIS is a great description!

NameChangedForThissss · 29/01/2023 19:01

Who cares if he’s happy at home or not , he’s a lying cheat and the OP is stupid to waste four years of her precious life with him.

TheWelshTart · 29/01/2023 19:01

ClemDanFango · 29/01/2023 18:30

This one is bit boring. Can you do a more interesting theme please? This one is so over done.

also not much effort made in the story or replies - a few odd words, that's it.

fairysimples · 29/01/2023 19:02

You're a mug.

anyoneanyoneanyone · 29/01/2023 19:04

I'd be looking at yourself. Normal people do not have affairs like this. Do you have a conscience ? Do you think of his wife and family? Wtf.

ZekeZeke · 29/01/2023 19:04

Threaten to tell his wife - see his response.
You will see him for the Piece of shit that he is

Livelovebehappy · 29/01/2023 19:10

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 18:04

I know he would be happier with me

Of course he could be happier with you…IF….he has sex on tap, has a cooked meal on the table every evening, you don’t place any demands on his time or money and you make him the centre of your universe. Otherwise, you will reach your expiry date pretty quickly.

wendywoopywoo222 · 29/01/2023 19:11

He doesn't stay out of duty. He stays because he want to. If he wanted to be with you then he would be with you.
I hope you don't waste any more of your life waiting around for him.

MrsRandom123 · 29/01/2023 19:13

He is happy at home or he’d have left. He’s also happy having you on tap as well as his daily life. He isn’t leaving his wife so you should end it for her sake as she deserves better. I would say end it for your own sake but you’ve clearly no self respect

Oopsiedaisyy · 29/01/2023 19:13

He has everything exactly as he wants it, I say this as someone who had an affair with a married man, and who knows another man who also had an affair - both wouldn't have changed their situation until things came to a head. Neither chose the other woman, in fact when one guy's marriage ended he also ended his affair as she wasn't relationship material

MrsRandom123 · 29/01/2023 19:16

Rosiepetalx · 29/01/2023 18:04

I know he would be happier with me

🤣

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 29/01/2023 19:16

Men don’t have a sense of duty ime. Their too selfish for that.

barmesunday · 29/01/2023 19:18

How on earth do you keep an affair secret for four years?!

sqirrelfriends · 29/01/2023 19:19

This can’t be real. If it is you should know that men don’t stay out of duty, if he’s enough of a shit to cheat on his wife then he’s enough of a shit to leave her.

jtaeapa · 29/01/2023 19:19

Duty Grin

The only duty this man has is to his cock

You are being fed bullshit

Get rid of him (no ultimatum - just get rid!)

Find someone who is not a cheating bastard

I bet he trots out the same old shit as all the cheaters

By the way, how can he possibly expect to be happy when he's not investing himself in the relationship with his wife/family? He's not even present emotionally so has no hope of being happy - but will whine about it nevertheless.

ArcticSkewer · 29/01/2023 19:19

barmesunday · 29/01/2023 19:18

How on earth do you keep an affair secret for four years?!

That part is very easy.

It's perhaps a bit unusual for neither party to be bored already

KillingLoneliness · 29/01/2023 19:19

Surely this is just a wind up thread?

allthemissingfucks · 29/01/2023 19:19

He just sounds like a guy who wants his cake and to eat it too.

Forget about second guessing what he wants.
Let's assume he's very happy with the current set-up (he's had plenty of opportunity over 4 years to end his marriage or his affair/s) so he isn't going to change things.

Don't waste your youth on him if you want a family etc.

Yahyahs22 · 29/01/2023 19:22

KillingLoneliness · 29/01/2023 19:19

Surely this is just a wind up thread?

My thoughts exactly. It has to be

MistletoeandBaileys · 29/01/2023 19:22

Basing my comment on the pretext that this post isn’t a piss take.

You do realise he’s probably still having sex with his wife. Goes on holidays with her. Spends time with her and spends his evenings probably sat comfortably with her on the couch. I’m sure all of that is down to a sense of duty…

Give him an ultimatum and see how quickly you are blocked and dumped. And guess what? In a few weeks he will be fucking another woman who is gullible enough to listen to his bullshit.

But he’s not the issue here OP. You are. Your self esteem is on the ground. Do you not have any friends or family in your corner who want to shake some sense into you? If you were my friend or sister I would be having a really serious chat about what the hell you are thinking.

You lose them how you get them. It’s been 4 years. If he was going to leave his wife he would have done it by now. You should send a text ending it. Block him on everything and spend some time putting some love and care into yourself. Because he sure as hell won’t do it.