What's the problem with an age gap?

[sn21]

I'm 24 and with a man who's 43. We've been together a year nearly everything is going so well. I know many people have made things work with an age gap and it doesn't bother me in the slightest however have had some comment telling me to "watch out" and people who have been in age gap relationships before have said that they felt "weird" but no one will actually go into detail. Been in a dv relationship before so just want to know if there's something I should be looking out for or if it's just genuinely because people could never get used to the fact of an age gap.

What's your opinion?
If you have ended an age gap relationship why, and what's the so called hidden agenda of older men?

He is 20 years older than you but in the same financial situation as you ie getting by. Alarm bells here.You are raising 3 kids. He is single no kids. Has had 20 years additional financial earning/saving potential but is getting by? Run!

my friend is in a similar aged gap, she is 50 and he’s 75 now. He’s been in retirement for years, pottering about locally with various hospital operations while she’s on a second career and has great travel plans.

For me the biggest issue is that most older men who choose very young women, will seem so together and mature than other men your age, but if they’ve chosen you, they are usually not together and mature people. They are men wanting to hang onto their youth.

Most men I know at that age wouldn't be keen on moving in with 3 young children, many of that age are starting again with younger models who have fewer responsibilities.

Just be careful, you need to put your children's welfare, first and foremost.

Has he been married before or is he an eternal bachelor ?

I’ve dated a couple of men in their 40s (I’m mid 20s now). The last one I dated seemed like he had it all together. He was wildly insecure though. He slowly wore me down with constant accusations of cheating, constant arguments over nothing. Eventually I realised he was projecting after I went through his phone and found everything he had accused me of doing he had been doing himself. He specifically only followed women who were 18-25 (all from dating apps and now I get why!) I got the first flight home and went back to work. Some of the girls I work with are a little younger than me (18-22) and they were gobsmacked that I left. They told me that if their boyfriend was paying for them to live and travel Europe they wouldn’t care what he did to them. That was what finally made it click for me. I think he had hoped I would have a mindset like my younger friends and put up with his awful treatment just because of the lifestyle he could provide.

Believe me, 10 years is a different generation

It's ok when it's 25 and 35 but not so good at 65 and 75.

It works for some but the gap increases as you get older.

Power imbalance

Nothing wrong with an age gap. Hubby 18 years older than me, he's a big kid and I wear the trousers. He is the best Dad to our 2 Daughters, has more energy than most 20 year olds! Been together 16 years now, wouldn't change it. Most stories on here are drudgery and pain. I would rather a cracking 20 years of fun than 40 years of sh*t! Enjoy yourself!!

Surely a date with an older woman is not throwing his life away? The hyperbole about relationships with an age gap is ridiculous on Mumsnet.

I read on MN a post where someone said they had married someone 20 years plus older than themselves everything was fine until their daughter reached the age the writer was when she met her husband and then the relationship crumbled...she could see how vulnerable she must have been at the same age and how she may have been groomed...

I'll keep it brief. I had a fling with someone 21 years younger than me when I was 46.

The imbalance as huge and stark. Always had s dim view if men who pursue much younger women. It's even more so now.

The younger person thinks age is just a number. The older person can see it for what it is.

My partner is 11 years older than me - 59 and 48. I see it as just a number. He was really concerned to begin with that the age gap was too great.

@Honeychickpea
I have 100% confidence in my ability to have groomed him if I so wished. At my choice, it could have been one date, or I could have married him. He was so vulnerable.

I suspect you might be overestimating your powers of attraction. In my experience, the vast majority of large age gap relationships, like relationships in general, peter out after a few months or years at most.

Lol, having never met me, your suspicions are very well grounded 😂

All of this. @

I had a few dates with a very handsome and successful man in my mid 20s. He was early/mid 40s. He was lovely. I wasn't ready and just moved on.

20 years later I bumped into him quite by chance. He looked so old. I was so glad I moved on.

DH is a year younger than my 63. If the saying "you're as old as the man you feel" is right, I did the right thing :)

Don't think there is nothing wrong with age difference, who knows what life is going to throw your way. But in reality it's as we age.

I wouldn't think off nothing wrong in my 20's or 30's dating someone who was 20 years older. But I'm now in my 50's and wouldn't look at dating someone in their 70's or even 60's. You have to think off the future and potentially being alone or a carer.

I just get the ick when it is clear one partner is old enough to be the parent of the other.

He is technically old enough to be your father. Are you looking for that patriarchal care for a reason? What does your Dad think of the relationship?

For some men it’s a status thing. I think they are idiots for thinking this, because nothing makes a man look old, like being with a young woman.

I do know one relationship where a massive age gap led to a long and loving relationship. She is in her mid 50s now and he is almost 80. That’s the sort of deal you are striking if you enter into these relationships. I’m her age and there’s no way I’d have wanted to say goodbye to my sex life at this age as my partner was too old.

When there is a large age gap, there are potentially all sorts of power/experience imbalances going on that can lead to a very dysfunctional relationship. I was with a man 24 years older than me from 18-21 and that was very wrong for me in many ways.

I am now married to a man just over 10 years older than me. We have been together since I was 22. It definitely wasn't problematic in the same way. It helped that in many ways we were at the same life stage (both postgraduate students) and shared the same group of friends whose ages ranged between mine and his. We are now 51 and 62. He is a very young and fit 62 and there is no problem. But it is definitely making me think differently about how the next 10-20 plus years might work out and I'm aware that on average we will have less time to do active things together than if he was the same age as me. And that's with a smaller age gap.

Having seen the latter end of a large (20 year+) age gap three times now, it hasn't ended prettily. The age gap becomes more incompatible when the older person grows...well, elderly, and the younger half of the couple is still "young" in life etc. And when children are involved it's been hard on them having to deal with an elderly parent in their 80s and all the worries and stress and lack of compatibility there itself when they're only 20 themselves.

I was in an age gap relationship at aged 28. He was 18 years older and we married when I was 32 - him 50. He was the love of my life. He was married prior to me and had a daughter who was 10 years younger than me. She didn't get on with her mum so I was the step mum / bestie. We divorced after 5 years but it wasn't because of the age gap at all. We just lost interest in each other. There was no drama. I'm still besties with his daughter and I'm now 58. Not every older man has a hidden agenda. He came to me when I had my own house and immediately contributed half of everything. When we split we did it 50/50 with no arguments at all.

I had a chum in a similar situation. Her DH was 30 years her senior and she used to say she worried about him getting old and having to look after him. As it happened it was her that got (very) unwell and her lovely older husband took the best care of her.

Go with it. Love is love. Life is a journey. Regardless of anything anyone says - the judgment, the "oh you'll be looking after him when you're old". To me it's all rubbish.

Enjoy your older man. They've got a wealth of knowledge to get you by. I'm happily settled in a relationship with a man my age but I wouldn't have changed my experience with my older man for the world. ❤️

You'll probably grow out of him.
You'll never be retired at the same time , you could end up having to look after him.
You're quite young to have three kids (no judgment I was a very young mum )
Do you want more kids ? Would that impact on you getting a job or starting a career ?

I’m just not sure you can really ‘see’ the person when there is a big age gap. You can’t judge another generation, and so it seems that these relationships work more on a match for outward needs ie status, or security rather than inner compatibility like shared outlook, personality.

A man who is with a 20 years younger woman will be seeing her youth before anything else, and I can see why it’s attractive for men on the outset because a younger woman will look up to you, worldly wisdom etc in the way that a woman his own age may size up a bit more. He will also see his relationship as a reflection of his youth and vitality.

A woman will see an older man for what he can bring - compared to men their age an older man will always appear more mature and more secure. He may well be a bit ‘grateful’ also to be chosen by a younger woman and so will go further to keep up the relationship.

I’m sure that there are some exceptions, but all the relationships that I know of this age gap were transactional in nature, and where a man left his marriage to trade in for younger - which seems to happen a lot. Indeed I’ve heard single younger women ascribe older men who fathers as having nurturing and good parenting qualities - when if you think about it they’ve left their kids! But sadly I’ve close family members and friends in these big age gaps and they are all not great relationships. I wouldn’t say it’s always the men who have the power though, being a younger woman a man knows that you are going to be attractive to men who are younger than him - which can keep men on their toes!

There is a 14 year age gap between DP and I. We met when I was early 30's and he was mid to late 40's. The early years were great, we both enjoyed going out at weekends, and participating in a sport we both enjoyed.

Fast forward 20 years and he is now retired. He doesn't like being at home by himself all day and used to beg me to give up work too, at the age of 52. That would be great if he was up for going out for meals, holidays, short breaks etc, but all he wants to do is sit at home and pretty much do nothing.

We are now at different life stages, sadly. I carry on working, go out occasionally with friends or family, and if he wishes to join me he is more than welcome. He doesn't though.

Age gap relationships work best when both are at either end of the middle years. Problems arise when one reaches old age when the other isn't ready for an OAP life.