Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's the problem with an age gap?

135 replies

sn21 · 29/01/2023 15:47

I'm 24 and with a man who's 43. We've been together a year nearly everything is going so well. I know many people have made things work with an age gap and it doesn't bother me in the slightest however have had some comment telling me to "watch out" and people who have been in age gap relationships before have said that they felt "weird" but no one will actually go into detail. Been in a dv relationship before so just want to know if there's something I should be looking out for or if it's just genuinely because people could never get used to the fact of an age gap.

What's your opinion?
If you have ended an age gap relationship why, and what's the so called hidden agenda of older men?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 20:26

You have 3 kids. By the time they live the nest in 20 years or so you'll probably have a very small window of freedom before you become his carer in old age. It's not going to be fun being 45 with an 65 year old.

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 20:27

*leave not live

HamBone · 29/01/2023 20:27

FunnyItWorkedLastTime · 29/01/2023 20:25

The fact that you've had kids young would work in your favour in this case. You'd have much less risk of overlapping care needs between older husband and teenaged children.

This is very true. I've got teenagers and an elderly parent to look after, not to mention work, and it's difficult balancing everything.

Davros · 29/01/2023 20:28

My DSis has been a carer to varying degrees for her older DH for getting on for 20 years. It was manageable for quite a while, but restricting, and it became horrific in the last five years. He is now in a care home. They are 13 years apart

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 20:30

Yes, as I get nearer to the age my youngest age gap partner was when he met me, it's impossible not to look back on this age and that age and think "oh lordy".

I actually have a couple of nieces/nephews with the same age gap I had with one of them and that's also a bit unsettling.

AnotherEmma · 29/01/2023 20:31

How old are your children? Are they all the children of the same abusive ex?

Of course you deserve happiness after what you've been through, but I would proceed with extra caution given that the children have gone through it too.

MissAmbrosia · 29/01/2023 20:37

Dh is 11 years older than me, so not hugely dramatic difference - but he is 65 now and I notice he has become much more set in his ways, is certainly grumpier and less willing to do things. His mother had dementia for many years before she died and this possibility I find quite terrifying. I have seen with other women I know with a larger age gap. You're in your prime, kids left home and suddenly you're stuck with a grumpy invalid. Or worse.

Angliski · 29/01/2023 21:18

@LaLuz7 my husband is 65 and I’m 44 - what’s your point? We have loads of fun together.

the trouble is,OP that most of the people here are judging from the outside. From the outside, the older man is obviously a predator of young women who will turn into a fat, boring curmudgeon. Only you can tell if that is true for you. Generalisations from outsiders won’t give you any wisdom on what so right for you.

as someone actually in a marriage with someone 20 years older I can tell you this…

  1. We hardly notice our age gap
  2. we are a great team
  3. he is an excellent, late life father
  4. He is chilled out and easy going and proud of me. Someone has to hold the hearth - he has helped me to be much more successful in my career than I could have been with another ambitious partner of my own age
  5. it will be my privilege to nurse him if we get to that. I love him, he is my husband. He is currently nursing me after a horrific road accident and single parenting our son.
  6. he is great fun, honest, sexy, kind, laid back and excellent at mopping floors and doing laundry.

only you know if everything stacks up.

pocketvenuss · 30/01/2023 00:09

@MMmomDD At 40+ he can still match you energy.
Twenty years on - and you are in your 40s, and still young. He will be in his 60a.
Have a look at men that age how. If you find them attractive - go for it.
But why should she find 60 somethings attractive NOW. she'll be 20 years older by then. She finds him attractive now t here is nothing to suggest that in 20 years time she'll find him unattractive. Our tastes mature as we do.

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 30/01/2023 00:36

bellswithwhistles · 29/01/2023 19:04

We have an age gap - but the other way round. I'm 49 and my husband is 35. Happily married over 10 years now, 2 kids.

Obviously helps if the older person is somewhat young for their age and the younger person is more mature!

We genuinely don't notice an age gap. None of the neighbours even know, thought we were the same age.

It can clearly work!

can I ask how old were you when you met him? I’m in my 30s and usually date men my age but considering giving a man 7 years younger a chance. It would be the biggest age gap I’ve had and I’m unsure about it although everyone says I look younger and I get asked for ID etc.

Changechangychange · 30/01/2023 00:50

There’s a type of Peter Pan who, like Leonardo di Caprio, gets younger and younger girlfriends as they get older and older, and never plans to settle down. Which is fine when you are 24, but if you want a long term relationship (marriage and kids), you may find yourself dumped in five years’ time when he thinks you have “become boring” and “are tying him down”, and he moves onto another, younger woman. I have a uni friend just like this - very attractive man in his mid 40s, good job, exciting lifestyle, and a series of ex girlfriends dumped when they turned 30 and wanted some commitment from him.

There’s also another type of man who just, to put it crudely, wants to fuck a 24 year old and doesn’t really care who they are or what they are like, as long as they are young. They don’t really see you as a person, or have much interest in your personality, because as far as they are concerned, your personality begins and ends as “young fuckable girl”. Utterly dehumanising.

Your DP hopefully falls into neither of those camps, but worth being on the lookout for any signs.

TimeToFlyNow · 30/01/2023 01:46

Not a chance, I'm 44 and my ds is 27 I can't see the appeal in it at all. I'm guessing most of it is youth being attractive

Saying that I don't find men in their 60s attractive so an age gap that big wouldn't work for me

Celia24 · 30/01/2023 02:02

Even being 21 and dating a guy aged 28 was too much. He spoke to me in an authoritative way sometimes and I found it really hard to form my thoughts and opinions when up against someone who had more lived experience and had all the right opinions and arguments.

I'd never have dated a guy in his 40s, just bad news all round.

MayMi · 30/01/2023 02:03

I completely agree with what others are saying about how easy it would be for him to take advantage of you as an older man, without you necessarily realising it.

However it is true that he could be a perfectly nice man. Even so, like others have said, having such a huge age gap can cause problems as you'll be in such different stages in life and want/need different things.

Think carefully about how he treats you in various scenarios, I think you'll know for yourself.

My parents for example have a 14 year age gap (my dad is older and is perfectly nice) and they have just divorced after 34 years of marriage. One of the big reasons is because the age gap is affecting them increasingly as they both get older.

MysteryBelle · 30/01/2023 06:03

If you want to be with a man who wants to be with a woman young enough to be his daughter, go ahead. I don’t respect much older men, or women, who want to be with sexual partners 20, 30, 40 years younger. It is very icky. An old man/woman who wants to be with a very young person, I’m sorry, think about it. Or don’t think about it, yuck.

If that is what turns you on....whatever.

autienotnaughty · 30/01/2023 06:14

The problem with a large age gap is there can be a power imbalance (almost like parent/child) .A person in their twenties is unlikely to know themselves as well as a person in their forties so it's likely one person will change and develop and the other will stay the same which can cause issues. Theres the fact that with a big age gap you are At different life stages which might be ok now but may feel different when you're older. And of course you could end up a youngish carer or widow.

A good friend of mine met a 37 year old when she was 20. They had a similar outlook on life, loved to party, go to festivals etc. fast forward 10 years and hes bored of the parties and just wants to sit in and watch tv. But she didn't want to just sit in. Then they had kids and he find it exhausting and couldn't be bothered to take them out so it ended up with my friend doing most of the parenting. Needless to say it didn't last.

RidingMyBike · 30/01/2023 08:12

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 20:26

You have 3 kids. By the time they live the nest in 20 years or so you'll probably have a very small window of freedom before you become his carer in old age. It's not going to be fun being 45 with an 65 year old.

Where on earth do you get that idea from? We are similar ages and it's excellent fun. Unlike my friends who are trying to juggle two careers simultaneously with family life, it's much easier being at different career stages - I've been able to concentrate on my career whilst he does all the housework and childcare. Yes, we have lots of fun.

No, we don't go out to parties but I've never enjoyed that, even as a teenager or in my 20s(!). We have loads in common, enjoy similar things. It's great! And knowing you probably won't have a long retirement together does mean you make the most of every moment now.

Yes, I'll probably end up as his carer at some point but I know what this entails, I've already been one for my Dad. TBH what will probably happen is I willingly care for DH rather than grudgingly for my Mum.

MMmomDD · 30/01/2023 08:57

@pocketvenuss

People so mature. But if anything, attraction age gap actually narrows. While young women find much older men attractive - it’s not the case for women in their 40s and 50s. None of my newly single women in their 40s have any desire to be with men in their 60s. They simply don’t feel attracted to them.

So - it’s not a bad test to look at 50 and 60yos now as a younger woman.

However now they the OP mentioned she has three kids - it changes things a little.
I can see that a more mature man could be what she needs, given her circumstances. And even if/when it changes - her kids grow up a bit, she grows up - she can meet someone else, closer to her age.

BertieBotts · 30/01/2023 09:04

There can be a power imbalance in an age gap relationship. Not so much if you're in your mid twenties or older since you won't be as naive and inexperienced as someone in their early 20s/late teens, but still you will have less life experience, relationship experience than he does - especially so if your previous relationship was a DV situation. If you feel like there's any hint of this, no matter how innocent it seems, if he seems to be in a mentor type role, treat you like a project to be improved, or a damsel in distress to be rescued. Power imbalance is not necessarily "Yay, what a weak, innocent, naive little thing, I can get her to do whatever I want!" kind of evil, obviously controlling mentality. It can seem quite benign, but a power imbalance is still a power imbalance and damsel-rescuers or project mentality can quickly turn into irritation that you are not "grateful enough" or that your confidence has grown and you now feel yourself to be on equal footing. They almost start to see you as a wayward, rebellious teenager who used to be their little baby princess. This can turn into a subtler type of coercive control.

Some men choose younger women because they see women more as objects/status symbol than people and they aren't looking for a connection, they are looking for attractiveness and they find women in a particular age range to be the most attractive. If you're in this situation you'll find you get ditched as you "age out" of their preference and replaced with a younger model. (I think of the Taylor Swift lyric: I'll get older but your lovers stay my age.)

Of course it's not impossible that two people of differing age can meet and happen to form a connection despite age difference, but this is unusual, most people find it easier to relate to people of their own age, being at the same stage of life in terms of family/career/health, sharing common references e.g. childhood experiences, youth culture, similar interests. It's just usually easier to connect with somebody of your own age, so if you have connected with somebody of a different age, particularly when you the woman are younger and the man older, then you have to be cautious and wonder if there is something else at play like one of the above scenarios. It might all be fine, but it's more likely that there is a hidden agenda.

With history of DV you may well have slightly wonky relationship "templates" so not notice red flags that would put somebody on their guard normally. Another common problem following a DV relationship is that you might think well, he's really calm and not angry like my ex, or, but my ex used to go on about my weight and he's really caring and respectful about that - but you overlook the fact that perhaps he does no housework or controls the money or puts you down in other ways - you might even think well, men are just different to women and it's a communication failure (or whatever). Basically exchanging a level 8 abuser for a level 2/3 one. While they might seem like an improvement, actually the only acceptable level of abuse and control is none. In that scenario, you have climbed out of the fire, but you're still in the frying pan. If you have only ever known men to behave like this and don't really believe that kind, respectful, understanding men exist then you might be stuck in this pattern (I know that I was - I found the website Baggage Reclaim to be helpful).

Humphplumf · 30/01/2023 09:10

My good friend is married to a man twenty years older. Ten years have passed, she desperately wanted children. It hasn’t happened and now she’s nearly fifty she she realises she’s staring at an old age of caring for her parents and husband before finally being alone for the last significant stage of her life. She’s terribly depressed about it, but it’s too late to change it now.
she loves her husband. And he is a good man. But it has definitely deprived her of a family. And at least if he was the same age they would have more chance of a joyful retirement together.
as it is, he’s retired and she’s still working full time 🤷🏼‍♀️

bellswithwhistles · 29/04/2023 19:55

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 30/01/2023 00:36

can I ask how old were you when you met him? I’m in my 30s and usually date men my age but considering giving a man 7 years younger a chance. It would be the biggest age gap I’ve had and I’m unsure about it although everyone says I look younger and I get asked for ID etc.

He was 22 and I was 36.

blahblahblah1654 · 29/04/2023 20:00

That's almost the same age gap between my mum and me. You probably wouldn't have a great deal in common and there would be a power imbalance. My mums husband was 22 years older than her. He's recently died and she turned into his career in her 50s. Did everything including his personal care, toilet trips etc. can't guarantee good health or a long life but I wouldn't want to be doing that 20 years prematurely.

GreyCarpet · 29/04/2023 23:52

I've always had a bit of a dim view of men who date women who are so much younger.

A couple of years ago, I had a fling with a man 19 years my junior. To him, the age difference was just a number. To me, it was life experience and the difference in it was stark to me. It ended up only lasting for a couple of months because I was so uncomfortable with the imbalance in the power dynamic.

It was so in my favour and he wasn't even aware it existed.

That which made me feel so uncomfortable is exactly what the appeal is to men in the same position.

Namechange666 · 30/04/2023 01:59

There will be many people on here that will tell you an age gap is wrong. But they aren't you and you've just got to ignore the bad comments. We wouldn't say to someone being gay is wrong so why is it wrong to fancy older people in a relationship?

I've been in 20 year age gap relationship since I was 20. I've always liked older men. No I wasn't coerced. In fact, my partner was the one at the beginning worried about the age gap. I never have. I've always been mature for my age and we have made it work through thick and thin.

Any relationship takes work, despite an age gap.

You do what you want. If we all went by everyone else's opinion, we'd always be scared to do anything that we want to do.

Luckily for me I didn't have judgemental parents and when they met my partner, they saw what I saw in him. A decent man who cooks and cleans and has never held me back in anyway. Let me live my life as a woman in her 20s would at the time. (Not that he would have had any choice because no guy tells me what to do haha)

It can work so you enjoy your relationship.

Namechange666 · 30/04/2023 02:01

I meant to say we've been together 17 years now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread