What's the problem with an age gap?

[sn21]

I'm 24 and with a man who's 43. We've been together a year nearly everything is going so well. I know many people have made things work with an age gap and it doesn't bother me in the slightest however have had some comment telling me to "watch out" and people who have been in age gap relationships before have said that they felt "weird" but no one will actually go into detail. Been in a dv relationship before so just want to know if there's something I should be looking out for or if it's just genuinely because people could never get used to the fact of an age gap.

What's your opinion?
If you have ended an age gap relationship why, and what's the so called hidden agenda of older men?

I split up with my ex ten years ago when I was just turned 40. We’d got married when I was 25 and he was 45.
Basically I evolved as I moved through life and he didn’t. He didn’t change a bit. If anything he got more and more set in his ways and less and less willing to try new things with me. I got really bored and did my own things, nothing mega exciting but we drifted apart and I finally left him. He was devastated and couldn’t really understand it.
I cannot recommend an age gap. At 40/60 things are a lot different to 25/45.

My friend is in her 60s, very healthy and active. Meanwhile her DH is in his 80s and has dementia, she is his carer. Obviously your partner could become ill or disabled at any time, but it's far more likely if he's 20 years older than you.

I don't judge because I've had such relationships myself, and of course they can work. But the older you are, the faster you age, and that's going to show up sooner than you think, and way before you feel old enough for it yourself.

I've also never seen a man who liked relationships with women young enough to be his daughter who didn't also like a certain type of dynamic, although the women always denied it. That's up to them, but I did notice a lot of women outgrew it themselves....usually round about the time his greater age was really starting to show itself.

I’m in an age gap relationship. 24 years between us. I’m 28 partner is 53. It’s a huge age gap but we are similar in temperament and maturity. There are issues with some age gap relationships with power imbalances, life experience, etc. it is good to be wary, have your wits about you and watch out for any red flags. And take it slow. I hate men my age. My DP has two children, 15 and 21. It’s odd but we are happy atm. Life can change in a blink of an eye.

I mean, you'll notice I say I've had relationships like this. Once I knew what I wanted - a life partner and family - it was surprising how few men 20+ years older fit the bill. Yes, they were often a bit more financially secure but they had 20+ years on us. I wasn't worried about a younger man with the right values and work ethic not being able to get there too in future, especially with my career too.

Exactly this. Same thing with my mums friend she married someone with a nearly 20 year age gap and in her 50s she was still wanting to go out for meals, theatres and holidays etc when all he wanted to do was sort the garden and take naps

Obviously no one's health is guaranteed but give yourself a chance.

Oh god MN hates age gaps 😂
I am in an age gap relationship and it's always worked very very well.

The happiest relationships I know, and the longest lasting ones, all have reasonably large age gaps (from 8-20 years). There's certainly no "power imbalance" or "predatory behaviour"!!

Well mine ended anyway for other reasons so once I wasn’t in love with him anymore I look back and am glad it ended thinking how when I’m 40 he’d be almost 60. Not for me .

Yawn these threads always go the same way. It baffles me how people think they have such in depth knowledge of the dynamics of other peoples relationships. Yes I'm sure there are some older men who go for younger women due to power imbalance etc etc etc but not all. Not all.
These 'get back to us in 10 years' comments are so irritatingly arrogant. How can you possibly know if a relationship will work or not? Even if you've been in your own problematic age gap relationship it doesn't mean that all are doomed.
Stop making sweeping generalisations about other peoples relationships. It's rude and annoying.
My dh is 13 years older than me and in far better shape. It'll be him caring for me at this rate.

Fifteen years between us.

When he was mid forties and I was thirty, he seemed so mature and well set up in life.

Now he is mid seventies, an old man, mobility scooter, tremor, urgent need to be near a loo at all times. We spend the cost of a brilliant holiday on a chair lift.

If I want to have any social life, I need friends other than DH

It's really not ideal.

my cousin was married to a man 20 yrs older, we always thought we would grow old together, joked about having a room in each other's houses in our dotage so we could have lovely weekends together, fully expecting her to outlive him.

They had 40 years together, children, grandchildren, lots of love, happiness, tears, upset, anger.... normal stuff. At the point where you might have expected her to have to be his carer she was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. She died and he's now almost 90, still living independently. Anything can happen.

Some cruel and fairly cold views on here. @sn21 , if you are in love and happy then be happy. Absolutley 100% carry on and live for the moment. Live is far too short to over-think stuff and I should know. My life has been clouded with me over-thinking and I regret not being more 'free and flexible' wth my thoughts.

It sounds to me that you are happy and love your DP,so enjoy the moment.

ComtesseDeSpair · Today 15:54
Some older men target younger women because they have less life experience and fewer relationships to compare to, and might be more willing to accept controlling, coercive or generally just poor behaviour because they haven’t yet developed the emotional maturity, self confidence and assertiveness to tell men who behave this way to get to fuck. That’s probably what people are telling you to be on the look out for.

Beyond that: when you’re both still healthy, for and relatively young, it won’t seem like age matters. But twenty years is a huge age gap as he gets older. When you’re the age he is now, he’ll be approaching pension age and thinking about retirement. When you’re of an age to finally, he could very well already be dead. It makes longer term planning a lot more difficult and uncertain.

Absolutely agree with this post.

In my experience the power imbalance tends to be opposite to what people normally think.

On the upside, From a guys perspective, dating your average 20-30 year old is generally a lot less complex than dating a your average 40-50 year old.

There is an issue of older health issues, but i’ve always found women tend to have far more health issues than men throughout their life (just my experience) and i have no wish to be a burden on anyone, so have more than enough for care homes and domestic help if it came to that. Health isn’t guaranteed for anyone, and i guess it’s sometimes just bad luck as and when things go wrong, but old age is predictable to some extent so it’s planned for.

In the end i settled with a 12 year age gap, accepted that i’d never have my own kids, put up with the complexities of an arse of her ex, and a decade of teenagers who were able to throw at me on demand ‘you’re not my dad’ or said it in public to anyone who mistook me for their dad.

I can still see the attraction of being with somone without all that baggage, who is most likely younger, but i love my complex family now, and they love me and my girls call me dad.

And if my current partner does decide she needs to get rid of me, (hence i’m always on my best behaviour) I know that the dating world is quite different since 15 years ago, and that now i’m in my 50’s, i’d probably not meet anyone else, and I have no desire to take on another family and far too old to start one, and most definately don’t have the energy to keep up with a 24 year old.

On the downside, society can be judgemental, what some friends of mine thought was cool in my late thirties or forties, I now think of as ick myself, and i most definately wouldn’t know how to debate or discuss anything in current affairs with a 24 year old…. I struggle with our teenagers lol.

If it works for you - and by that i mean truly - works for YOU and there is no power imbalance, that you enjoy your time together, that he has no red flags - go have fun and see where it leads. Hopefully he will know he’s a lucky guy, will treat you how you wish to be treated and make you smile every day.

I had 3 sons with a man 17 years my senior -that was,looking back an horrendous time (too much to go into on someone else thread but involved control violence etc).

Our sons have grownup and now I’m in a long term relationship with again a much older man - theres26 years between us !!! It’s fab, I’m very happy as I think, is he.
Hes very young for his age, in my opinion very handsome, he still works 7 days a week and we have a very happy life together - he’s practically been a father to my youngest son and it works well.

There may well come a time and probably quite soon that the dynamics will change as he gets older but it will either work or it won’t work and that’s the same for any relationship.

In my experience the power imbalance tends to be opposite to what people normally think.

Not in any of the age gap relationships I had, I assure you.

There's a life experience gap and a power dynamic in the older partner's favour, very often.

Plus you tend to be at different life stages, so the younger partner may miss out on doing the things their peers are doing, because he's already been there done that.

Most women tend to have a bit of a career and start thinking about having children in their thirties, these days - that means he'd be a dad in his fifties - or you'd have them earlier and potentially miss out on building your career. Or he may have already had children and not want more but be happy to take up your fertile years.

Obviously it can work out for some people, but I think it's better to be closer in age and experience.

There was a very pertinent article in papers not so long ago actually about this - the young woman ignored the warnings from her mother about marrying a man 20 years older than her but in her words he was some silver fox great in bed loads of money through very good job jet set lifestyle blah blah. Little more than 10 years later he now has ED, retired, got fat and wants to nap all day, they don't jet set, he has got old and stubborn and miserly and oh she gave up having kids for him - she bitterly regrets it

When my Dad married my Mum, there was less than a year’s age gap, I doubt he expected to be widowed at 54. Life is a lottery, marrying an older person does not automatically mean you will end up being their carer

@thestealthwee i read that article too!

There’s a massive difference between the theoretical “the younger partner might get very ill or unexpectedly disabled” and the absolute near certainty that with a twenty year age gap, when a woman is reached her sixties and thinking about enjoying her retirement, a man in his eighties is going to be, if not already dead, beset by all the problems and frailties of very old age and not an excellent companion to enjoy retirement with.

Others have given you some wise and logical advice, OP, so this is just my less considered opinion based on my life experience. 😂

I’m 48 now and when I look back, I’m so glad that I spent my 20’s enjoying myself with other people of a similar age. We had so much fun learning about life together, moving around, travelling, changing jobs, having sex with other young people.

I met my now-DH in my 20’s, he’s two years older so we were essentially at the same life stage.

You should do whatever feels right to you, but my personal opinion would be not to begin an age gap relationship at 24. Have some fun with people your own age first and then see whether an older person is right for you. If you settle down with your partner now, you may be mourning your lost 20’s in a few years.

My husband is 13 years older than me. We’ve been married for 25 years.

He’s a pain in the arse sometimes but I suspect no more than any other husband.

Some people on MN have very fixed views on age gap relationships. It’s odd really but when you compare it to pretty much any post about someone who’s having a relationship with a man who’s got kids from a previous marriage, the sweeping statements about age gaps seem practically normal.

OP my main issue with you is that you are 24 and have been in abusive relationships. If you were 34 going out with someone older than you and most of your relationships hadn't been abusive then I wouldn't blink.

I have friends and acquaintances, of both sexes, who have spouses/long term partners who are 10+ older than them who got together when the younger partner was in their 30s. Some actually got rejected by their older spouse/partner before they started a relationship.

When you're nursing him when you're 64 and he's 83 you might feel differently about the age gap.