What's the problem with an age gap?

[sn21]

I'm 24 and with a man who's 43. We've been together a year nearly everything is going so well. I know many people have made things work with an age gap and it doesn't bother me in the slightest however have had some comment telling me to "watch out" and people who have been in age gap relationships before have said that they felt "weird" but no one will actually go into detail. Been in a dv relationship before so just want to know if there's something I should be looking out for or if it's just genuinely because people could never get used to the fact of an age gap.

What's your opinion?
If you have ended an age gap relationship why, and what's the so called hidden agenda of older men?

Some older men target younger women because they have less life experience and fewer relationships to compare to, and might be more willing to accept controlling, coercive or generally just poor behaviour because they haven’t yet developed the emotional maturity, self confidence and assertiveness to tell men who behave this way to get to fuck. That’s probably what people are telling you to be on the look out for.

Beyond that: when you’re both still healthy, for and relatively young, it won’t seem like age matters. But twenty years is a huge age gap as he gets older. When you’re the age he is now, he’ll be approaching pension age and thinking about retirement. When you’re of an age to finally, he could very well already be dead. It makes longer term planning a lot more difficult and uncertain.

*finally retire yourself

You sound young and naive.
What is the ‘so called agenda of an older man’?

Older men who go for much younger women do it for a variety of reasons. Their youth is obviously the draw. Also massive disbalance of power in the relationship - one with experience, and most often more established in life, more mature and secure in all ways. Vs someone with limited life experience, etc.

Some people do make it work. And for a bit - I am sure it’s fun to be with someone so much more grown up.
But in the longer term - these relationships always run into issues as they progress.
At 40+ he can still match you energy.
Twenty years on - and you are in your 40s, and still young. He will be in his 60a.
Have a look at men that age how. If you find them attractive - go for it.

The people who are warning you have presumably met him, since you’ve been together for a year? If so I’d imagine they’ve already seen some concerning behaviours from him that you haven’t clocked, as you’ve already been in an abusive relationship previously, are worried your boundaries still aren’t great.

What's the problem you ask? Loads of things. He has targeted you because he enjoys the power imbalance. Women of his age don't tolerate nonsense, young women do. He gets to treat you like shit, and you won't even realise.
I'm 47 and have just been asked out by a 24 year old male. I've got to be honest, I was horrified, not flattered, that he would throw his life away over an infatuation. I felt responsible as the adult to tell him no, and that he was far too young for me. I felt like I was talking to a child. I could have EASILY taken complete advantage of him. But I didn't. Cos I'm not an arsehole.

No nothing to do with our relationship specifically and these aren't comments from friends just opinions of people when I mention there's an age gap or when come into conversation with anything just seem to strike people off guard and everyone has something negative but just wasn't sure what the negative is but yes makes sense men would think they have the control and essentially treat you like a child. I personally thought was weird in a sexual way and that's what I was trying to clear up as no detail before. I have no concerns just trying my best to look for any red flags before I end up in a dv situation again

It isn't always a problem but with big age gaps, you often find yourselves at different stages with conflicting needs.

Money, work, energy levels, socializing, trips etc
And that's before thinking about whether you want marriage, kids?

Does he or has he already done that once? Do you want to have kids and raise them with a significantly

A friend of mine is in her mid 30s with a man in his mid 50s. They have two little children together. They’ve been together 10 years no issue.

I’m 25 and it wouldn’t be for me, but it works for some people.

Get back to us in ten years...

... sorry no edit!
Do you want to raise children with a significantly older partner?

Do you want to end up caring for a partner who becomes old and frail many years before you do?

It's possible there is an agenda there. Younger women can be easier to control and dominate. He might like a 'trophy' but even if that's not the case, I'd think carefully about a relationship with someone so much older at your age OP.

I have a 10 yr age gap which is fine, though I might well be widowed for 20+ years.
19 years is nearly twice that though. I would worry about kids and raising them to adulthood, and the fact that if you retire at 60 he may already be dead or at least old.

I think the risk is that you’ll be at different stages / want different things at different times. Just because you match up ok now, doesn’t mean you will love forward at the same pace or in the sand direction.

Would you want marriage / children? Does he already own a house, and would you therefore not be an equal shareholder in your home? What about retirement? Will you be willing to spend your 50s caring for him, and then potentially live another 20-odd years alone after he dies? What about wider family; do you see his parents in the same way you hire your own grandparents?

It’s not necessarily doomed to fail, but there’s a lot that can be more difficult, and as previous posters have said, you are starting out the relationship with an imbalance of power, which isn’t a great foundation.

It’s ok now but 50/ 70 will be tough. Remember my friends mum begging us not to marry a much older man like she had she massively regretted it. Her friends had lovely early retirements with similar aged spouses she was a carer.

That, it should feel weird that a man wants a relationship with someone who is literally young enough to be his child.

11 years with my husband who is 20 years my senior. No power imbalance- if anything, I am the one wearing the trousers. People are usually astonished when they discover his age, his energy is much higher and appearance much better than most men his age. You be the judge of if this person makes you happy. I will gladly nurse him in old age, he is my anchor, my love and my best friend and an excellent dad to DS and husband to me.

Have you done the Freedom Programme, OP? You mention worries about finding yourself in another unhealthy relationship so the FP would be ideal if you haven't already done it.

I guess the age gap is more likely to be a problem if you want children - do you?

I've had experience of this as I was with and married a man 22 years my senior back when I was 20. We had lots in common, and I found his life experience attractive in comparison to the immature "boys" my age. However, I was young and naive and impressionable... ie: I moved into "his house," the house he never let me forget was "his" despite anything I did to make it a home for us and our kids over the 10 years we were together.
When I turned 30, I left him because I wasn't the naive, impressionable young girl I once was. I was now 30, had 2 kids, and nothing was really "mine." I was also fed up with living a "middle-aged" life. He went from an attractive older man in his 40s to a "grumpy old man in his 50s" quite quickly.

It works for some but tread very carefully! I'm now late 30s, and being in the older mindset I am now, I do question what someone my age or older would see in someone 20 years younger, no matter how mature they are for their age.

I think it's fine at your current ages.

Personally, I wouldn't want that much of an age gap for a long term relationship though. I'm nearly fifty now and wouldn't want to be with a man approaching 70.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with an age gap in itself. It takes all sorts to make this world.
You need to, if you see this as a life partner, properly check thar you actually want the same things in terms of family and home life.
It will seem impossible for you now but you need also to look ahead. I have a mate who is mid sixties,thinking about retiring and ready to globe trot. Her dh is 20 years older and an old man, who rarely leaves the room or the TV.

My experience of being in a long term relationship with a big age gap & beginning in my early 20s...

I never got to be a young adult.
He'd already lived his 20s, 30s etc.. (because of course he was always so far ahead of me) & didn't want to do those things anymore, so I ended up never doing them.
In some ways, it stunted my emotional growth because it's a time when young adults make mistakes, or discover new passions, learn & grow emotionally & intellectually.
I didn't really realise it for a long time, but he didn't really 'approve' or 'enjoy' the things young adults do so I never experienced them.

Same with travel.
He'd already been everywhere & wasn't really interested in having those sort of new experiences.
Same with most new things.
I remember him laughing at me when I wanted to get a mobile & thought they were the future.
New tech started to pass him by long before it did me.
Same with music.
It wasn't so many years before he was looking back at 'the good groups, back when music was good' while not wanting to have the radio on because it was all the 'new rubbish, not good stuff' (didn't start like that)

He was ready for a slippers in front of the tv lifestyle decades before me & was from an age group that believed women did as they were told, contributed to the household by doing ALL the housework as well as earning money while they somehow never did any housework/life admin.

None of it seemed that obvious at the time.
It was only looking back I realised how good it had been for him & how bad it had been for me.

He got to have my youth & energy to support him while I was too naive to know better.

I thought it was fine at the start & for the first few years.
I wouldn't listen (while I still had friends).
He slowly turned very abusive & controlling.
Over time I gave up opportunities I'd have grasped with both hands if I hadn't been with him.

When he finally left, I was in my 40s & didn't even know how to talk to anyone anymore.
He'd also slowly grown to be not only physically & emotionally abusive, but had cleaned out every account or place I had credit.

Looking back, I'm so thankful he's gone because I was a shadow by the time he left who didn't even know how to be an adult.

He was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Worse than being raped.
Worse than people I loved dying.
Worse than being homeless.

Because he was older, it all crept up on me & each step seemed so fair.

Not saying every relationship with a large age gap ends up that way, but when you are in your twenties, the predator middle aged men are on the hunt for you because they know you haven't had a chance to learn better yet.

My DSIs partner is 16 years her senior she was 23 when they met. They had DCs 10 years later, another 10 years on and he is 60, she is only 43. She is the main breadwinner, carerand home maker, she will very likely become his carer in the next 20 years potentially with still dependant children. I am a couple of years older, had DCs younger and am looking forward to physical and financial freedom in my and DH's 50 and 60s.

To also answer your last question, the hidden agenda can be, although not always, that they can manipulate and/or control a young woman. Whereas an older woman their age in most cases are more experienced in life/relationships and just wouldn't fall for it, or if they did, they are more likely to see it sooner.

It very much depends on the individuals. It can be a sign of controlling behaviour, wanting someone young and naive they (usually the man!) can manipulate. It can be someone younger wanting to get their hands on assets. Is there a track record of being with a much younger partner for instance? Then moving on to another younger one after a while?

And it takes a lot of discussion, weighing up practicalities and working out life stages. I'm in a long term (married more than 13 years) big age gap relationship. We married in our 20s/40s and are now in our 40s/60s. It's been incredibly positive for us because we were at different career stages and he's been able to take early retirement to be a SAHD to our wonderful DD.

But I've also seen it go disastrously wrong for other couples! So I can understand why people are warning you about it.

Honestly? Because a woman his age will see through his bullshit where a young lass of 24 won’t.

Because young bodies are beautiful. Because young people don’t have nearly as much emotional baggage. Because there’s a power imbalance in his favour. Because it makes (some) men feel powerful or high status to date attractive young women rather than their peers.

I've got a 22 year old daughter. I can't see what she has in common with someone closer to her dads age. Life experience, stages of life are different. Social circles, work all different. I think it's a control thing for the older man and the younger woman not seeing it.