What's the problem with an age gap?

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I'm 24 and with a man who's 43. We've been together a year nearly everything is going so well. I know many people have made things work with an age gap and it doesn't bother me in the slightest however have had some comment telling me to "watch out" and people who have been in age gap relationships before have said that they felt "weird" but no one will actually go into detail. Been in a dv relationship before so just want to know if there's something I should be looking out for or if it's just genuinely because people could never get used to the fact of an age gap.

What's your opinion?
If you have ended an age gap relationship why, and what's the so called hidden agenda of older men?

We have an age gap - but the other way round. I'm 49 and my husband is 35. Happily married over 10 years now, 2 kids.

Obviously helps if the older person is somewhat young for their age and the younger person is more mature!

We genuinely don't notice an age gap. None of the neighbours even know, thought we were the same age.

It can clearly work!

20 years is huge. The fact you can't see this, dont have the emotional intelligence to recognise it, is worrying.

I think it depends on whether you think this is a relationship likely to last or whether you’re seeing it more as a fun, just for now experience

there have been some interesting posts on here from women who didn’t mind the 20 year age gap when they were in their 20s/30s/40s but once they got into their 50s and DH was into his 70s they said it became a different ball game

there are two issues
the first is a potential power imbalance. The older person has more life experience and very likely more money. At 24, I wouldn’t say this is a reason to avoid the relationship entirely. It is just a reason for both people to proceed slowly and carefully keeping that power imbalance in mind.

the second is what I watched my family member go through with her older husband. She spent what should have been a stage in her life that brings economic and time freedom caring for an ancient, dying man with dementia. I’ve seen other couples of more appropriate age matches face the same
thing and it is different. Both are heartbreaking, but the age difference definitely made it harder for her. She now has her senior years to face alone.

you aren’t thinking about death much at 24, but if he is in his 40s, he probably has started to see it more and should have a better idea of what he is asking you to face.

When you are 60 and early retiring and wanting to travel the world he will be 79 !

Does he have children?

When one partner is half the age of the other then there is often a power imbalance.
Naive young woman, possibly from a poor or difficult family background with an older wealthy partner ,she seeking security, he sees a trophy partner and perhaps one he can control.
She may want children, he may not want children as he's older and may already had them. He might be in a different stage of life, happy to stay at home and potter as has been there done that , she wants more adventures as has experienced less.
He gets old and has health issues and she becomes a carer at a relative young age.
No common cultural references / experiences ie bands, TV programmes etc as grown up in different times.
I say he as the older one as usually it is that way round.
Of course sometimes it works but my daughter only a year younger than you and I would be very concerned about her dating someone nearly twice her age.
I also can't imagine wanting to date someone half my age who is nearly the same age as my kids.
So if he treats you well and you love each other then enjoy your time with him but I think long term it is unlikely to be ideal. So make sure you have similar goals. A close friend of mine spent 15 years with man 23 years older than her and gave up hope of Children as he understandably didn't want a child in his fifties . In the end they split up as the older he got the more incompatible they became. She left with nothing, he never wanted to marry and held all the cards financially.

As others are saying here: most of my friends in their 60s are retired or working part-time. They go out a lot, take long-haul holidays and/ or volunteer for interesting organisations, depending on their budgets. Lots of fun (and caring) with grandchildren too. Some have health problems, but aren’t disabled or very restricted by them. They’re almost all fit and active.

My relatives and their friends in their 80s lead a totally different life. Most are quite healthy, but age has slowed them down to the extent that they wouldn’t get pleasure from activities they loved 20 years earlier — it would just be too tiring. Their worlds are much smaller, physically, even though in many cases their minds are still as bright and active as ever. They just don’t get around so much. And they ned a lot more help, even if not a fulltime carer.

I was married for 15 years to a man 20 years older. What made it work, in so far as it did, was the common goal of wanting a family. He had no children, nor did I before we met. We had a similar picture of what that looked like. I consider it a success, even though it did not last.

But in every other way we had nothing in common. His expectations were quite old fashioned, and he grew more rigid as he got older. We met in mid life so didn't have this time that you have as young people. 43 is still young, and you are very young.

I was attracted to him most of all because of what I thought he would be. I thought he would not be competing with me, would take on a kind of fatherly role and would be safe emotionally because of being more mature. I was absolutely wrong on all three counts which is why he is an Ex. Sometimes people do not mature. They just get older.

Been with my oh 30 years. No kids but happy. I rule the roost always have. We are nowhere near and never have come near splitting up. He is now mid 70s.

20 years is a huge age gap. You were a baby when he was your age. I think other people have already pointed out some of the challenges down the line.

There's 8 years between dh and I. I'm 40 and he's 48. Happily married 15 years. But recently we've been taking about retirement and it's not really dawned on me before that he'll retire 8 years before me (obvious I know) but if I have to work until I'm 68 then he'll be 76 before we get time to do things fully together. We are both hoping to retire earlier, and my job is flexible and in demand so hoping I can work a day a week from 60 onwards, but you never know what will happen in the future.

For me with your age gap I'd be focusing on the big things. Do you want children? If so you need to get a move on for his sake, otherwise you'll have a much older father for your dc.

There's a 10 year age gap between DH and I. It was great when younger, he was mature unlike men my own age and he had his own house/business. I felt well matched as I've always been fairly mature too.

But he hasn't aged gracefully or well. At nearly 60, he has morphed into a moany, deaf, inactive whingebag whose idea of a good time is a nap in the armchair. Meanwhile, as our DC have flown the nest, I feel like I'm emerging into the light. I do everything alone as he can't be bothered.

I have 3 children myself. The age gap will not hold me back in that way, and the obvious first thought of age gap is that yes he's gonna be an old man when I'm his age. We're both in the same financial situation, not great but getting by. We get along very well. If anything he's definitely younger at heart than I am because I like to stay at home and not socialise. He likes to go out and get things done. It's been helping with my confidence of getting used to the outside world again too. He does want his own child but isn't too bothered, happy to become part of my own family. I have done the freedom programme I'm very aware of the patterns and signs of abuse just thought I was missing something out because everyone makes it seem like a big deal but it's just the obvious they think the older the more controlling

Give it a few more years and you might find out for yourself

For me if would be unable to relate to the partners life experiences, simple things like knowing each other generation of music, and lived experiences, like the strikes in the 70s. Being with a partner the age of my children would be my worst nightmare!!

Younger at heart certainly doesn't help when you inevitably slow down. There is no way on this earth that you at 24 can understand what ageing means. I am 67 and love to travel but boy it takes its toll now.

I think up to 10 years either way is one thing but 20 years is big. It’s almost a different generation.

From your update op you've had children very young. People I know who have families young felt like their lives started at 40 when their dc were grown up. Your dp would be 63 so that could work as he reaches retirement and you've finished child rearing.

This x

I had a relationship with a man 10 years older than me. He was mid 50’s, me mid 40’s. However our kids were similar ages and we were therefore at similar stages. He was also incredibly attractive and in perfect health. But the reality was, in 10 years he was going to be looking at 70 and I simply couldn’t fathom the idea that ultimately the age gap was going to grow. His mum is still going at nearly 90 and his dad died at 88, so the odds are in his favour but it wasn’t going to work for me.

my partner is 2 years older than me: it just feels more comfortable and equal

I’m going to sound very money grabbing but I’d be concerned that if you get a mortgage together he’ll retire before you’ve paid it off and you’ll end up paying his share too.

it's just the obvious they think the older the more controlling

No, you're oversimplifying. But I expected that. Nobody truly wants to be told the potential pitfalls of a relationship like this.

It's not so much that a much older partner must be more controlling as much as it's likely (though of course not certain) that they are fulfilling a need to be somehow "ahead" of the younger one. A desire to be seen as more worldly, mature and wise. Like I said, very few younger women will see or admit to this dynamic (I was a bit more honest with myself than most, I think, but I still downplayed it and told myself the key parts of the relationship were entirely incidental to him being old enough to be my dad, although if that were the true, what else did he have to mark him out from a younger man?) as we all like to feel we are masters of our fate.

But it's almost inevitable. After all, there's likely to be something up if you don't have some sort of life advantage over someone 20+ years younger. Because frankly, if you're a functioning adult, you damn well should have grown in that time...and however mature you are at 25, you're not going to have 20 years on yourself.

That's not the same as being controlling or predatory, nor does it mean these relationships can't work. But it's foolish to pretend you're dating a 25 year old in a 45 year old body (who wants someone who's spent 20 years not growing?) or that you won't grow yourself as you age. Which is why I've said that a lot of women do outgrow the role.

You're a grown up, so good luck to you. As I said, no judgement from me, I've had more than one age gap relationship so I do understand the appeal (and they weren't sugar relationships). But you've asked us, so I guess you have twigged something, and you're right to be aware.

Oh, and I'd definitely give a very wide berth to any man who likes and pursues much younger women, but insists the women are the ones who are wielding all the power.

The fact that you've had kids young would work in your favour in this case. You'd have much less risk of overlapping care needs between older husband and teenaged children.

OK, so having children isn't a question you need to ask yourself as you already have them. I suppose one question is where do you see yourself at 40-45, when your children will be young adults? What will you want to do with your life then and will a DP in their 60's be the right partner for you then?

If so, you're all set. 😀

My exH was much older than me. We have two DC. The beginning of the relationship was lovely, and tbh I needed the kind of family unit he provided, and the father figure. We had loads in common and got on well- If anything, I always felt like the mature one!

But things really changed as I got older and developed. He couldn't cope with the fact that I was still becoming me, and wasn't really comfortable with things like career changes (very positive for me and for us as a family), was losing weight/getting fit, and the fact that I was becoming more independent generally. He was nothing like this at the beginning- this all started about 8 years after our marriage.

We're not together anymore, and I'm approaching the age he was when he met me. As the years go by, I get more and more stumped and a bit creeped out- I try to imagine being with someone half my age, and it feels so strange and unequal to me. I think a lot about what a 40 year old man would want with a 20 year old woman- I don't think it's great tbh.