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Original poster

Boyfriend cheated, need advice.

129 replies

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 15:09

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, it's the best relationship I've been in and I trusted him a lot.

A few weeks ago I found out that 2 weeks into officially being boyfriend and girlfriend (we had been speaking for 2 months prior to this) he kissed another girl on a night out.

I don't know what to do, he has never given me a reason to not trust him and I'm devastated. I want to stay with him because it was right at the beginning of our relationship but also am unsure if this is the right decision. He is very regretful and apologetic, I truly believe he hasn't done anything since but I'm struggling to get this out of my mind.

Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 10:58

Seriously @NewUser11 you are massively over thinking this. You were seeing each other two weeks and he kissed someone else when he was away. Drop all this official for two weeks stuff, it sounds like you are 15. The lesson here for you is don’t go snooping or you don’t know what you’ll find. Also didn’t you say you had a ten year relationship starting what when you were 13???! You are giving things titles to make them sound important. If you want to continue seeing this guy do, if you’ve gone off him dump him. Don’t create a whole hullabaloo over nothing two years ago ffs

TicketBoo23 · 27/01/2023 11:01

TicketBoo23 · 27/01/2023 10:56

Does he fuck .... He's a cheater and a liar, op clearly has good instincts and has caught him out.

Boo fkg hoo.

And I for one think the dare and the demand for a kiss is a sanitised, minimised version of what he actually did.

Show quote history

Forgot to add that, when you know your new gf ended her last relationship after being cheated on and is somewhat bruised and cautious; you should probably try to avoid cheating on her and lying to her about it, even if it was just a kiss and your mates "forced" you to act like a single man chasing a girl for her number.

TicketBoo23 · 27/01/2023 11:03

Why do you feel your felt the urge to snoop, op?

Leave over from your previous cheating partner, or something about this guy niggling at you?

TicketBoo23 · 27/01/2023 11:03

Do you instinctively feel (as far as anyone can) that you can trust him or not?

AcrobaticCardigan · 27/01/2023 11:05

Get a grip will you?! Cheating! You must have been out like twice by that point. Stop acting like it’s betrayal of the year.

Opentooffers · 27/01/2023 11:11

I think the snooping is a worse sign than the kiss. I think it's fair that he didn't tell you as it clearly ment nothing and was just a mistake in the early days. Telling you would of served no purpose other than to unnecessarily upset you over what was a meaningless act at the end of the day.
However, while you think it's nice that he tells you about every woman who ever approaches him in life, I'd say its at best ill judged and doesn't warrant mentioning to someone who obviously has trust issues, as its more likely to create anxiety in someone who feels this way.
Are you sure that this snooping was purely about your ex, or is it because his propensity for telling you about all women who show interest in him was twisting the knife in a bit?
He knows your history ( not always wise to give details about your past). He knows you have trust issues, so he probably does know what mentioning being approached does to a person who feels that way. He may actually be overly sharing for a not so genuine reason ie keeping you on tenterhooks gives him an ego boost. In which case, if he's happy to stay with you after your snoop without a second thought, it's possibly because he's got the reaction he wants of you. Otherwise, I think most people would have more of an issue with the snooping and not want to be with someone that insecure.

Mari9999 · 27/01/2023 11:14

OP, you are in your mid 20s and 2years into this relationship and prior to this you ended a 10'year relationship? Did you start dating when you were 10 or 12 ? I only ask because it better explains notion of considering ending a relationship because of a kiss that happened in 2 weeks into a relationship.

If your previous partner were anywhere near your age , he probably had an age appropriate desire to meet other girls.

AutumnLeaves5 · 27/01/2023 11:16

You didn’t trust him before, or you wouldn’t have snooped, you’ll trust him even less now…this isn’t the foundation for a successful relationship.

Fragrantandfoolish · 27/01/2023 11:22

I tell you hormones have a lot to answer for. All this falling in love in days , angst over a drunken kiss two weeks in, the teenage drama of it.

Changemaname1 · 27/01/2023 11:26

my initial thought was are you sure it was just a kiss however how you describe the message would indicate it was and I’d let this one go

you absolutely shouldn’t be going through his phone

you need to decide if you can forgive and forget and once you do that should be it don’t dwell on it and don’t bring it up again as that isn’t fair

you need to work on your trust issues or they will end up destroying your relationship I speak from experience

I was also repeatedly ( as I later found out ) cheated on in my first long term relationship and it has unfortunately shaped how I behave in every single failed relationship since lol as I say I speak from experience . So now I am happily single

baileys6904 · 27/01/2023 11:26

Split up.

You're not ready to be in a relationship. Do some work on yourself and your trust issues. You're not there yet.

Fwiw, I think the snog is a stupid action but the disrespect of privacy even worse. How many times have you need through his phone? How many times in the future will you carry on doing so? Perhaps he knew you were very close to ending things, when he had a snog. You don't seem overly arsed about him anyway, so don't put either of you through anymore, but get help for your trust issues

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:27

@Fragrantandfoolish if you have a partner I take it you both have an understanding that kissing other people on nights out is ok?

Fragrantandfoolish · 27/01/2023 11:29

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:27

@Fragrantandfoolish if you have a partner I take it you both have an understanding that kissing other people on nights out is ok?

Im happily married and you appear confused. We are not discussing is snogging folks as a standard activity fine, how ludicrous. It’s about a drunken kiss two weeks in. And yes, for me, no biggie at rhe 2 week mark.

Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 11:31

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:27

@Fragrantandfoolish if you have a partner I take it you both have an understanding that kissing other people on nights out is ok?

Oh fgs. The OP sounds v immature. She was in her early twenties, ‘officially’ 😭 seeing a man for two weeks. Not living with a man ten years. Everyone in a relationship isn’t a partner. Christ almighty grow up

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:34

@Fragrantandfoolish it wasn’t 2 weeks in. They had been seeing each other over 2 months. He said he loved her. It’s not like they had only met up once or twice and then he kissed someone else.

Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 11:37

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:34

@Fragrantandfoolish it wasn’t 2 weeks in. They had been seeing each other over 2 months. He said he loved her. It’s not like they had only met up once or twice and then he kissed someone else.

Again massive red flag for immaturity. What bearing does it have he said he loved her, she said she was put off by that at the time, as any sane person would be. The OP sounds like she wants to make everything much more dramatic than it was.

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:45

@Eyerollcentral she has said that if she knew at the time what he would have done she would have left him. Those are her boundaries and I agree with them. It’s not immature to have boundaries. Everyone has different views but that doesn’t mean she is wrong in hers. He stopped her being able to make that decision by not telling her at the time what he had done. So now here she is 2 years down the line in a relationship she wouldn’t be in if she had known the truth at the time.

Eyerollcentral · 27/01/2023 11:49

Cutlerydraw · 27/01/2023 11:45

@Eyerollcentral she has said that if she knew at the time what he would have done she would have left him. Those are her boundaries and I agree with them. It’s not immature to have boundaries. Everyone has different views but that doesn’t mean she is wrong in hers. He stopped her being able to make that decision by not telling her at the time what he had done. So now here she is 2 years down the line in a relationship she wouldn’t be in if she had known the truth at the time.

Seriously, no he didn’t. The OP might not want the relationship to continue now. Just dump him if that’s the case. She wasn’t snooping through his phone for nothing. The best she can come up with is a non event that happened two years ago. Bet that’s crossed a few of the Boyf’s boundaries too. Hopefully the OP will let him know so he can make his decisions based on his boundaries

shockthemonkey · 27/01/2023 11:50

BillyBobsFringe · 26/01/2023 16:52

Am I the only person thinking that actively snooping on his phone is a bigger breach of trust than him having kissed someone 2 years ago?

No, you're not... read the other posts @BillyBobsFringe - plenty before you have said the same

Original poster
NewUser11 · 27/01/2023 12:05

Sorry, just to confirm I'm 26 (almost 27), so mid/late twenties I guess. We have been together for just under 2 years (will be 2 years in 2 months time). When I met him I had just turned 25. My 10 year relationship was from 14-24, it ended 2 months before I met current partner.

We do live together, but only renting. Unfortunately my trust issues stem from past relationship and I'm aware I definitely shouldn't have jumped into another one as quickly as I did without properly healing. He knows all of this now.

I never snooped on my ex boyfriends phone, when I found out he cheated the first time (which was already 10 years into our relationship) I asked to look through it and he let me, and I found out it was more than once and left him.

Because of my past relationship, I really hate being lied to and have made this very clear, which is why I think he tells me when he goes out if people approach him. I've never felt mad or insecure when he tells me this.

He isn't angry that I went through his phone and has been very apologetic since it happened and wants to make things work, he seems very regretful but who knows. He hasn't actually even mentioned about his privacy being invaded whatsoever. I know it has, and again I know I shouldn't have gone through his phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUser11 · 27/01/2023 12:10

Sorry if this all sounds 'childish', maybe it is because my lack of relationship experience.

Honestly, I've never properly for a long period of time been alone, it seems I've jumped from one relationship to another which was clearly a mistake at the time, but here we are. I might seem dependant, and maybe I am. But just to confirm I do have a whole life outside of this relationship and it isn't the only thing that brings me joy, I have a career, a great group of friends and a wonderful family so I would be okay without him. I just love him very much and he slots into my life so well, I could genuinely of seen myself getting married / having kids with him, which is what makes my decision feel very difficult.

OP posts:
DarkShade · 27/01/2023 12:20

After 2 years, I would definitely let a drunken kiss from 2 weeks into the relationship go. It's not like he went out to pull, the relationship was new, and he hasn't repeated it.

But it sounds to me like this isn't just about the kiss, it sounds that you don't actually want to be in a relationship with him and were looking to find something. Why are you just snooping now, and why are you looking for things from 2 years ago? You presumably haven't snopped up until this point, or you would have already discovered the kiss. Remember OP: you don't need anyone's persmission to leave a relationship that you're not that into, you don't need the man to have cheated or done something bad to you. It's enough that you're not feeling it. You're plenty young enough to find someone else, it sounds like this man was a rebound that went a bit too far.

DarkShade · 27/01/2023 12:22

Also for me at least, looking through my phone and especially searching your own name is worse than one drunken kiss. Not that it matters, because what really matters is what you and your bf think about these things, but you asked upthread.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2023 12:23

Not worth another thought. Is a kiss cheating? Bit dramatic.

Fragrantandfoolish · 27/01/2023 12:30

Look op. For you this is an issue, for a few others too. For the rest of us, it’s not great, but it was a drunken snog 2 weeks into a relationship that you didn’t even want to admit to.

You’d rather folks thought you were just shagging him at that stage . Which quite frankly is offensive and humiliating to him . Now yoire snooping on his phone.and making a fucking mountain of drama over a drunken snog at the start.

all your actions you seem to think are in some way justified and not so bad. He’s minorly stepped out of line briefly once and you want to crucify him.

hard work doesn’t even begin to describe it. So stop with your Ill treatment if this man, either put it behind you or end it.