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Original poster

Boyfriend cheated, need advice.

129 replies

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 15:09

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, it's the best relationship I've been in and I trusted him a lot.

A few weeks ago I found out that 2 weeks into officially being boyfriend and girlfriend (we had been speaking for 2 months prior to this) he kissed another girl on a night out.

I don't know what to do, he has never given me a reason to not trust him and I'm devastated. I want to stay with him because it was right at the beginning of our relationship but also am unsure if this is the right decision. He is very regretful and apologetic, I truly believe he hasn't done anything since but I'm struggling to get this out of my mind.

Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 26/01/2023 15:58

Your snooping is the far bigger betrayal. A snog early on is neither here nor there.

You’d have a lot of making up to do if I were him. That level of distrust and invasion of privacy after two years would send up red flags.

Original poster
NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 16:02

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock I'm not disagreeing that what I did is also wrong, but is snooping worse than cheating and lying about it for 2 years? I'd definitely had rather him have snooped on my phone than what he actually done?

OP posts:
Shodan · 26/01/2023 16:03

2 weeks in? Barely a relationship.

2years in and you were snooping through his phone? Big breach of trust, imo.

Of the two of you, you were the most untrustworthy.

Original poster
NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 16:05

@Shodan 2 weeks in but 2 years of keeping the lie to himself, no?

OP posts:
ALS94 · 26/01/2023 16:10

@NewUser11 You are both wrong. He shouldn’t have kissed someone else but he definitely shouldn’t have lied and you shouldn’t have snooped. You clearly didn’t trust him (whether that was because of him or because of your previous relationship doesn’t really matter) and now you’ve found this on his phone, you’re going to have even more trust issues.

I don’t like to assume but I would guess you’re a young adult with plenty of life ahead of you, maybe you should take some time out to focus on yourself because it doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic right now.

randomuser2019 · 26/01/2023 16:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

frozendaisy · 26/01/2023 16:15

If he's forgiven you for snooping his private messages you need to forgive a kiss 2 years ago at the beginning of your relationship.

And both agree to move on, don't bring it up again and stop brooding over both of these things.

Or split up before you drag the other down.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 26/01/2023 16:15

Personally I could get worked up over a kiss 2 weeks into a relationship.

Snooping through my phone would be a relationship ender for me though

smittenkittennn · 26/01/2023 16:17

"lying about it for two years" get a grip. It sounds like a drunken snog. He wasn't harbouring a second family or secret child.

LilLilLi · 26/01/2023 16:17

You’re snooping on his phone. You have far bigger relationship problems than a kiss two years ago.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 26/01/2023 16:22

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 16:02

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock I'm not disagreeing that what I did is also wrong, but is snooping worse than cheating and lying about it for 2 years? I'd definitely had rather him have snooped on my phone than what he actually done?

It was a snog! He probably hasn’t thought about it since the initial “oh shit, I’m an idiot.” That’s not lying about something for two years.

Unless he routinely said “Hey NewUser, I definitely haven’t ever kissed anyone at all from the day we met,” he’s just moved on from a stupid, ill-advised kiss. Not sex, not an emotional affair, not sending inappropriate messages. A kiss. Which he regretted.

Your lack of trust is a much bigger issue.

slowquickstep · 26/01/2023 16:27

He didn't lie, he just didn't tell you. Your snooping on his phone 2 years in is far worse.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2023 16:28

I'm not very forgiving of cheating but tbh would probably let this go, I'm assuming he was drunk and that was why it happened. It sounds like you were still just about going official.

I must say though I'm fascinated by why you searched your name on his WhatsApp. What were you looking for?

shockthemonkey · 26/01/2023 16:31

You can't really claim that "he lied about it for two years".

He just failed to mention it. Didn't think it was a huge betrayal, the topic never came up.

Like a pp who said she'd done similar, to her it was such a non-event that she'd forgotten all about it until your OP reminded her.

As others have said, two weeks in, embarrassing but not a huge deal and that may well be why he hasn't mentioned it. I know that to you it is a huge deal, but as you'll gather from the replies here, not everyone would feel the same.

Again, for me he has not lied - unless you explicitly asked him whether he snogged anyone else when you first got together, and he replied "no of course not" - now that would be lying.

I also find your snooping quite disturbing, so even if you are finding this a huge deal, in a funny and unsettling way you're quits.

Shodan · 26/01/2023 16:32

@NewUser11 Not really a lie- he just didn't tell you. Which might have been more indicative of something worrying had you been together for two years at the point of his kiss, but at 2 weeks in, as I said, it was barely a relationship.

I wonder- would you have told him you snooped through his phone if you hadn't found anything untoward?

shockthemonkey · 26/01/2023 16:33

I'm with @HiccupHorrendousHaddock , whose earlier reply I have only just read. I didn't mean to parrot you, honest!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/01/2023 16:39

I’d also let it slide too

that said it’s horrible to have trust issues and even more horrible that when you snooped you found something

and tbh if you have trust issues
you and him are broken now sadly ?

Doggydarling · 26/01/2023 16:40

I feel sorry for himand hope the relationship finishes, he deserves better than someone who snoops and invades his privacy, a snog two weeks into a relationship is absolutely not an issue.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2023 16:41

I’d move on, 2wks is such early doors many aren’t even exclusive

Zanatdy · 26/01/2023 16:47

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 26/01/2023 16:15

Personally I could get worked up over a kiss 2 weeks into a relationship.

Snooping through my phone would be a relationship ender for me though

This. I’d be furious

sunflowerandivy · 26/01/2023 16:49

You're more in the wrong here.

Thisistyresome · 26/01/2023 16:50

You need to ignore how other people will handle this, it is irrelevant.

You obviously have severe trust issues, you woudl have needed to do a lot of digging to find out about a kiss from two years earlier that was two weeks in to a relationship.

It sounds like something most people would have just moved on from, but I suspect you can't. I woudl suggest you have a think and don;t judge this by "is he a decent partner for the future?" and instead ask "am I in a position to be with him in this relationship at this point in time?"

I have identified you have issues to work through, perhaps you need to do that before getting in to a relationship?

BillyBobsFringe · 26/01/2023 16:52

Am I the only person thinking that actively snooping on his phone is a bigger breach of trust than him having kissed someone 2 years ago?

supercali77 · 26/01/2023 17:15

Hmmmm. 2 months into seeing each other though. 2 weeks official. If my bf snogged someone 2 months after he was seeing me (no idea when we went official tbh) I'd have flipped my f**King lid.

cstaff · 26/01/2023 17:17

I would be a lot more pissed off by someone going through my phone. A snog two weeks in is nothing. I would let it go. Not telling you is not the same as keeping it from you. He obviously felt bad about it and kept stump in the hope that your relationship would work out and now because of your lack of trust, you have messed this up.