Boyfriend cheated, need advice.

[NewUser11]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, it's the best relationship I've been in and I trusted him a lot.

A few weeks ago I found out that 2 weeks into officially being boyfriend and girlfriend (we had been speaking for 2 months prior to this) he kissed another girl on a night out.

I don't know what to do, he has never given me a reason to not trust him and I'm devastated. I want to stay with him because it was right at the beginning of our relationship but also am unsure if this is the right decision. He is very regretful and apologetic, I truly believe he hasn't done anything since but I'm struggling to get this out of my mind.

Any advice is appreciated.

No, what he did was way worse. He was in a realtionship with you and had told you he loved you. Makes zero difference if that relationship was 2 weeks or 2 decades old in my mind. He still did it, when he actually knew very clearly how much something like that would hurt you.

And kissing is cheating. ~For me anyway, I know some poeple are different, but if I discovered something like this I would absolutely be considering the relationship. Based solely on the fact he was capable of doing something that he knew would really hurt me, but did it anyway, and then lied about it. Lied not to protect me, but to protect himself. He took away any choice for you. And has only come clean once you found out. Who the hell cares how you found out? So you went through his phone? So what? He stuck his tongue in another womans mouth. He can hardly call the high ground here.

Take your time to process it. You don't have to make any decisions right now. You have every right to take as long as you want to come to terms with this and see if its something you can forgive. Don't let anyone belittle how you feel about it, just because you were only 2 weeks into the 'official' relationship. If you are hurt, then it absolutely matters to you, and you now have the choice to do whatever you feel is right for you.
He selfishly did what was right for him at that time. Now its your turn.

For me it wouldn't so much be the kiss that would be an issue (although that would still hurt me), it'd be the lying for two years. Not telling you because he didn't want to face your reaction is a bit manipulative imo, you've now stayed for two years in a relationship you may not have because he's chosen, for two years, to lie to you. He also never would have told you, you had to find out by snooping which is unhealthy in and of itself.

I've been cheated on too in the past and lying is my biggest deal breaker, so I understand why this is playing on your mind. Ultimately it's up to you whether you think with work you can move past it.

I also agree with all of this.

It's very strange to see people saying "he didn't lie, he just didn't tell you". That is not something that would be applied in any other situation. If he withheld information he knew would make her reconsider the relationship then he was definitely being dishonest. It might be forgivable but there WAS dishonesty there.

And yes, the nature of the kiss would make a difference to me. Was he so drunk he barely knew what was going on, was it a random person, brief? Or was he sober and knew exactly what he was doing, was it someone he knew and had a romantic connection with, was he hanging off her all evening? All these things make a big difference to the story.

I'd forgive and forget. Nowadays everyone seems to make such a drama out of the slightest thing. It was only a kiss and you barely knew each other at the time.

you've now stayed for two years in a relationship you may not have because he's chosen, for two years, to lie to you.

This would be the biggest thing for me too. Its extremely selfish. He didn't tell you because he didn't want to lose you. Where in that is he putting you first? Or owning what he did as wrong? That would be the thing for me. Its one thing someone messing up and instantly regretting it, owning it and facing the consequences. Its quite another to lie about it to cover their own back. It would feel a bit like being cheated on twice.

@NewUser11 it makes it worse he was at love stage with you and still did that. For me it would be a deal breaker. The trouble is he hasn’t told you about it at the time so you’re now 2 years in and it’s harder to leave someone this far into a relationship over a kiss. But it would be playing on my mind that if he’s doing that in the early stages of love, what’s he going to be doing when things get stale? I don’t believe for one second those people saying get over it would do the same so quickly if their partners had been out kissing another woman!

@aSofaNearYou Thank you. So basically, he was away with his friends. They were at a bar, he was drunk. His friend bet him he couldn't get a girls number (his friends knew we were seeing each other but not serious), he went over to her, got her number and didn't see her for the rest of the night. As he was leaving later on, she saw him and called him over and said 'are you going to leave without a kiss?' and he kissed her. Only one of his friends saw and apparently him and his friend had an argument because of it and he felt massively embarrassed.

This is the story he's telling me.

@Cutlerydraw I agree. I think it was clear at this point in our relationship that I wasn't into him as much as he was me, so I wonder if this is why he didn't tell me because I definitely would've left him then.

He had always been very honest with me and even if a girl went up to him on a night out he always told me without me asking, which is something I liked about him.

I'd be more concerned about your need to snoop after 2 years. Either you don't trust him or you have trust issues that need addressing.

Snooping is breach of a persons privacy and would be a big deal for me.

Just bin him, if it’s this big a deal to you then bin him off. Quite frankly you should have anyway. Any bloke telling uou he loves you after two weeks has something seriously wrong with him. The whole thing is so immature. Him declaring love after two weeks. You believing it. Now stressed and behaving like he was shagging someone else a week ago and snooping on his phone and reading his private messages.

it’s time for you both to grow up or stay single till you can act maturely in a relationship.

bin him off. All this angst. It’s like teenage diaries.

@NewUser11 well you know now what he is capable of doing on nights out to someone he loves, the question you have to ask yourself is can you get over this? How serious are you now, do you live together? If you can hand on heart say you 100% trust him now and the relationship meets your needs then maybe it’s worth considering staying but the fact you were snooping makes me think you have niggles about him. I just wouldn’t want to live a life wondering what he’s up to on nights out, that’s why I would never stay with someone once that trust has been broken. Some people can. I couldn’t. Only you can decide what’s right for you no matter what anyone on here says.

So you had some kind of exclusivity conversation wherein you became official bf and gf; but he felt it appropriate to take his mates' dares to try to get another woman's number?

Hmm.

She kissed him - I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

He then, knowing you'd ended a LTR due to being cheated on decided to lie by omission to you so you wouldn't finish with him (finish what given his mates thought it was ok to dard him to get numbers off other women and he felt it was ok to do so ... His mates weren't exactly treating it like a relationship in spite of you two being official, nor was he treating it like you were official. Would he have thought it was ok for you to be getting guys numbers after your "we're official" conversation?)

I don't like his mates attitude/behaviour, and I don't like his

He then took the opportunity away from you to end things while it was still pretty early days .... Youv e said yourself, you would have. And kept taking that away for 2 yrs during which you were investing.

And you only know cause you had fund out yourself, he never told you.

Fuck the anti snooping brigade btw ... Snooping is sometimes the only way people find out vital info about their shitty partners. You clearly had a slight instinct and it was clearly correct.

Snooping is breach of a persons privacy and would be a big deal for me.

There are people on this forum who were "saved" by snooping - from infidelity, from prostitute use, from many damaging things. Sometimes it is necessary, people rarely do it without an instinct.

Noone should be made to continue in ignorance or misdeeds against them .... While making line changing decisions about eg relationships, kids etc due to some BS about snooping.

If the story he told you is correct then I don't see it as a big deal, 2wks in a drunken dare from his mates involved.
However 2 years in and you snoop on his phone - that's a deal breaker and he should drop you like a stone for that invasion.

This is my stance.

I can't condone the searching of the phone, but the boyfriend can't take the moral highground along the lines of "I can't believe you searched my phone, you have trust issues that need to be resolved before we can continue the relationship" because OP was right, he had been unfaithful and she unfortunately found out the fact that he had been deceiving the OP for two years by not telling her that she was in a relationship with someone who had not been entirely faithful to her. Whether it was 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years into the relationship, once the exclusivity had been established, breaking that by kissing someone else is cheating. By keeping this secret from OP for two years, the OP has been in a relationship that was not as secure as she thought it was and one which she may not have remained in for two whole years had she known that at just 2 weeks in, her boyfriend was kissing another girl.

While I wouldn't check my partner's phone, if I did somehow find out he had been unfaithful at the beginning of our relationship, I'd leave. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who cannot be faithful to me, as I am to him. I only expect from my partner the behaviour which he expects from me and as I have been entirely faithful, if I found he hadn't been then it would be his mistake that ended the relationship even if it was years later.

This is because, if my partner had told me at 2 weeks into our relationship that he'd kissed another girl, I'd have left him there and then. I do not find men attractive when they cheat, it is a very unattractive trait and if a man cheats on me, I no longer want to be with him no matter how much I love him.

If he denies me the knowledge of his cheating for years as he doesn't want the relationship to end and I then find out, I'll still make the same decision I would have if he'd told me at the time. I'd leave him. I would not be able to trust him not to do it again.

OP, while looking through his phone can't be condoned as everyone should have the right to privacy, I'm sorry that you came across the fact he'd cheated on you so early into your relationship. I hope you have the strength to make whichever decision you feel is genuinely best for you moving forwards.

his friends knew we were seeing each other but not serious

You'd been seeing each other for two months and had mutually decided to be exclusive 2 weeks before (?)

Did he not tell his mates that?

Is that why they thought it was appropriate to dare him to get another woman's number?

At that point, it was up to him to say "nah, mate, I'm going steady with op now, it wouldn't be right, I'm not up for that, so and so can try".

Personally I suspect the dare ("it wasn't me, your honour, my mates pushed me to do it!")

.... And the "she kissed me" (for how long? Cause noone's going to kiss you for more than a second or two if you don't want to kiss them; you pull away ... In fact men have a greater advantage in doing so because they're generally taller) ....

Are minimising and bullshitting to take his decision making and his responsibility away from the events. I don't fully believe it.

Agree, huge red flag. Your boyfriend is the one who needs to get out of that relationship.

I kissed someone else a few weeks into my relationship with DH. We've been happily married for nearly 20 years now and I've never cheated on him since. I'd let it go OP.

@TicketBoo23 honestly, I agreed to being 'official' because I did like him but it was a mistake at the time, I should've waited longer until I was ready to be in a relationship. We had a conversation at the time to keep taking things slow and he was well aware I wasn't telling people that I was in a relationship yet, people just knew we had been seeing each other and that was all.

Originally I started seeing him because I just wanted something fun and didn't want to go out and sleep with loads of different people. I never planned on wanting or having a relationship with him, and that's what most people around me thought up until I told them we were taking it more seriously (which wasn't until we had 'officially' been together around a month or two)

called him over and said 'are you going to leave without a kiss?' and he kissed her.

Oh sorry, I see I picked it up wrong.

He said he kissed her when she asked him.

Right ... So he "can't" say "no, I have a gf, I'm not doing that" to his mates when they dare him to get another woman's number .... And he "can't" say "no, I have a gf,sorry" when a girl asked/told him to kiss her.

Not got much backbone, has he?

(Well integrity, I mean).

So just to quickly add, his friends thought we were just having sex and didn't realise we were together (by my request to keep it quiet for the time being) only two of his close friends knew and they wasn't out this night.

I see.

Well that sort of explains why his mates were treating him like a single man but ateotd ... He knew he wasn't, and he should've acted like a man with a gf.

Which he failed to do at two points in that night (according to his story) ...

And who could blame the girl for demanding a kiss when he'd acted as a single man approaching her and asking for her number.

@TicketBoo23 I completely agree with you, but his friends didn't know we were together (by my request).

Once I had strong feelings for him (around 5 months in) I always felt bad for the beginning of our relationship at the fact I wanted to keep things secret. Since finding out, I wondered if he felt annoyed by this and like I wasn't taking him seriously and maybe this was a factor in him letting it happen, however that would just be me making excuses for him because I do love him and don't feel like I know this version of him.

Does he fuck .... He's a cheater and a liar, op clearly has good instincts and has caught him out.

Boo fkg hoo.

And I for one think the dare and the demand for a kiss is a sanitised, minimised version of what he actually did.