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Original poster

Boyfriend cheated, need advice.

129 replies

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 15:09

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, it's the best relationship I've been in and I trusted him a lot.

A few weeks ago I found out that 2 weeks into officially being boyfriend and girlfriend (we had been speaking for 2 months prior to this) he kissed another girl on a night out.

I don't know what to do, he has never given me a reason to not trust him and I'm devastated. I want to stay with him because it was right at the beginning of our relationship but also am unsure if this is the right decision. He is very regretful and apologetic, I truly believe he hasn't done anything since but I'm struggling to get this out of my mind.

Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 17:18

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 16:02

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock I'm not disagreeing that what I did is also wrong, but is snooping worse than cheating and lying about it for 2 years? I'd definitely had rather him have snooped on my phone than what he actually done?

Yes, I think so.

To be clear, though, what do you mean by lying about it for two years? How many times did you ask him if he cheated on you?

Many people (me included) wouldn’t necessarily count kissing someone, once, as cheating.

I’m not saying I’d be impressed if DH had, but “cheating” tends to imply a fair bit more.

BasicItch · 26/01/2023 20:11

I could not get worked up about a snog. I don’t even care if my husband got drunk and snogged someone now let alone someone I had been with 2 months.

Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water!

ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 21:18

BasicItch · 26/01/2023 20:11

I could not get worked up about a snog. I don’t even care if my husband got drunk and snogged someone now let alone someone I had been with 2 months.

Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water!

I think I’d feel the same. My DH is wonderful, he loves me and the children, but he’s still only a man, and if the silly bigger kissed someone in a bar he’d rightly get told he’s a fool who should have come home one drink earlier, but it’d not be an existential crisis.

Cutlerydraw · 26/01/2023 21:21

@NewUser11 people keep saying “ it was only 2 weeks” but you have said you were seeing him for 2 months at this point. So about 2 months of seeing each other and then 2 weeks of being official? If so then that would be a deal breaker for me, he’s cheated on you quite far into seeing each other and also when it’s supposed to be in the exciting stages where you can’t get enough of each other. Not sure how that bodes well for the future. Do you live together?

ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 21:31

Cutlerydraw · 26/01/2023 21:21

@NewUser11 people keep saying “ it was only 2 weeks” but you have said you were seeing him for 2 months at this point. So about 2 months of seeing each other and then 2 weeks of being official? If so then that would be a deal breaker for me, he’s cheated on you quite far into seeing each other and also when it’s supposed to be in the exciting stages where you can’t get enough of each other. Not sure how that bodes well for the future. Do you live together?

But he didn’t cheat on her. He kissed someone, that’s a long way off cheating on them.

Cutlerydraw · 26/01/2023 21:38

@ImmigrantAlice it might not be in your world but it certainly is in mine.

ALS94 · 26/01/2023 21:46

@Cutlerydraw I agree with you, kissing someone after two months of dating and 2 weeks of being in a relationship is something I couldn’t forgive. I’m surprised with the amount of people that seem so chill about it!

Cutlerydraw · 26/01/2023 21:54

@ALS94 i know, it’s very odd some of these comments. Maybe a kiss is more forgivable to some but it’s still cheating. Glad you’re on the same wavelength as me 😅

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/01/2023 22:05

I know people are only saying it’s two weeks and do I see the point

However, my take on it is if he cheats during the honeymoon period what would he be like after say 10 years?

it’s a bit 🧐😳

SunflowerTed · 26/01/2023 22:09

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 16:02

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock I'm not disagreeing that what I did is also wrong, but is snooping worse than cheating and lying about it for 2 years? I'd definitely had rather him have snooped on my phone than what he actually done?

You have breached his trust and privacy by snooping on his phone. Unforgivable

SunflowerTed · 26/01/2023 22:11

slowquickstep · 26/01/2023 16:27

He didn't lie, he just didn't tell you. Your snooping on his phone 2 years in is far worse.

Totally agree. Red flags on the snooping behaviour

DestinysGrandchild · 26/01/2023 22:17

I wouldn't get too worked up about a kiss that happened 2 weeks into a relationship. He didn't do anything else. He probably didn't tell you because he didn't want to fuck it all up over that.

I would be pissed off if I found out my partner didn't trust me (without good reason) and started searching my phone and going through messages to try and find something.

I get you're probably more wound up because you didn't know straight away but I think you just need to forget about it or move on.

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 22:19

For me a snog 2 weeks into a relationship that’s been since good I’d have no issue with, but I’d dump your arse for invading my privacy and reading my messages. There would be no discussion, it’s two years in. Id not be with someone who snooped on me like that.

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 22:20

ALS94 · 26/01/2023 21:46

@Cutlerydraw I agree with you, kissing someone after two months of dating and 2 weeks of being in a relationship is something I couldn’t forgive. I’m surprised with the amount of people that seem so chill about it!

Because it’s not serious at that stage, two years later going behind his back and reading his private messages, nope. Not for me. I wouldn’t be with someone who did that.

Siameasy · 27/01/2023 01:48

If you’re gonna bail over this good luck with lasting in a long marriage and the challenges that may bring. Personally I don’t suffer with the black and white thinking that would lead me to think it’d normal to abandon a decent relationship for a snog. A snog!! Seriously get a grip it’s nothing.

Vaselining · 27/01/2023 04:09

NewUser11 · 26/01/2023 16:05

@Shodan 2 weeks in but 2 years of keeping the lie to himself, no?

Not incriminating yourself, especially without being asked, is not lying.

Do you hand yourself in to the police every time you go 1 mile over the limit?

He messed up in a minor way, after you'd only just become an item, and that happened two years ago. Get a grip.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2023 04:41

My exH had phone sex while I was away from home after we had been married 3 years. I found out what he had been up to when the itemised bill arrived. I should have taken it more seriously than I did at the time.

In your case it was 2 weeks in. I'd like to be sure it hasn't been repeated, but if behaviour hasn't raised any questions or niggles in your mind, then maybe it was a case of him feeling he wasn't involved in a committed relationship with you yet.

BeachBlondey · 27/01/2023 08:31

BasicItch · 26/01/2023 20:11

I could not get worked up about a snog. I don’t even care if my husband got drunk and snogged someone now let alone someone I had been with 2 months.

Talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water!

Sorry, but I just don't believe this.

Are you really saying, that if your husband went out tonight with his friends, met a woman at a bar, chatted her up and then shared long intimate kisses with her, that your response would be "no problem"?

REALLY?

Because if you care so little, I'm thinking that your marriage is already on the rocks. I would be devastated if my DH did this. Our kisses are so sensual, and him doing this with some random on a night out would blow our marriage apart.

Him, snogging OW on a night out, when he has been with the Op for 8 weeks, is definitely not a good sign. I honestly don't know what I'd do, on finding this out. If everything else is good, I think I'd count it as a first strike and be on alert.

I hate all this "being official" nonsense. It was never a thing back in the 80's/90's, when people were savvy enough to know, on a subconscious level, that if you've been seeing and sleeping with someone for several weeks, that the shared assumption is, that you're not also shagging other randoms.

And as for the "snooping is far worse", what on earth are you all hiding on your phones? I snooped on my ExH phone, and found that he and my best mate were having sex. It was the only way I could get to the truth. I have zero shame and no regret. I don't know why Op went snooping. It could well be due to the past trauma of her cheating Ex. I totally get that. My ExH cheated on me many times, and it totally messes you up. My DH understood that I had trust issues when we met, and was open about everything. It took me many years to let go of the worry, not second guess things etc. If you haven't been through it, it's probably hard to grasp how insecure it makes you.

growgrowinggrown · 27/01/2023 08:46

Id be more concerned with your method of snooping (searching your own name) having not been thorough and you've only seen a 'small' thing.

I remember seeing similar on my BFs phone and was so hurt that he'd lied and snogged someone else. Months later turned out that he'd sagged multiple people, but was much better at hiding it due to being the ones he didn't want me to find out about.

I'd given him the benefit of the doubt over a daft kiss, made myself look so stupid in the long run though.

So many cool wives on here today too, it's a shame if more women stopped giving the benefit of the doubt, more men would stop 'accidently' cheating in relationships.

growgrowinggrown · 27/01/2023 08:47

*shagged

BurbageBrook · 27/01/2023 08:50

2 weeks in? One kiss? Let it slide.

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2023 08:52

I initially said I'd let this one go since it was so early on, which I stand by, but I am surprised by the amount of people saying it's not a problem at all, not cheating etc. It was... It was just (from what we know) small and early enough into the relationship that I would move on. That doesn't mean he didn't fuck up.

Original poster
NewUser11 · 27/01/2023 09:19

Thank you for all of your responses. Just to add a couple of things to this for more clarity.

At this point in our relationship he had already told me he loved me, honestly the only reason I want to forgive him is because I remember not feeling the same way at the time, and actually was considering ending it because I felt rushed into the relationship as it hadn't been that long since I broke up with my ex (he knew at the time I hadn't been single long when we first started talking). But honestly, when I remember looking back on it I felt bad, because I really thought he loved me at the time and I felt bad for not feeling the same way - obviously I don't feel this way when I look back at it now.

We have had conversations about cheating during our relationship, and when it is mentioned he has said he has never cheated, so definitely not something that has never been brought up.

I'm aware that snooping is wrong and something I need to work on, however I just don't think it's the same or as bad as what he has done and continued to lie about for the past couple of years. I definitely disagree with some of you saying kissing isn't cheating though, because it definitely is. If this happened now in our relationship I would definitely have broken up with him, I just look back and think we are different people now compared to 2 years ago when we met, which is making it harder to decide.

You're right, I am only mid 20's so maybe I'm young and naive. However I thought it would be good getting advice on here as apposed to reddit because my mum always gives the best advice, haha. I just don't want her to know about this, because if she did and I decide to be with him, then her opinion would change on him forever.

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 27/01/2023 09:26

I'm aware that snooping is wrong and something I need to work on, however I just don't think it's the same or as bad as what he has done and continued to lie about for the past couple of years

you only think that as you’re the one going behind his back and reading his private messages . For nearly everyone else we think what you did is way worse.

you can continue to disagree with everyone, what’s the point of the thread, you asked, the vast majority think it’s fairly irrelevant what he did but not what you did and you just keep saying but I think differently I’m not as bad as him. We think you are worse.

id just leave rhe thread if I was you. You are only going to find a small number to agree with you.

Whatdirection · 27/01/2023 09:34

Some of you are not classifying it as lying.

But he withheld the truth about something that he knew could be a dealbreaker. He admitted as much to his friend.

So Newuser 11 couldn’t make an informed decision going forward because she was being kept in the dark about something that was very important to her.

It doesn’t really matter what our own personal perspectives are and what we classify as cheating or not. We all have to decide our own boundaries.

Also l would need to know the details around ‘the kiss’. World of difference between one kiss and an evening of kissing. Do you believe his story or could there more to it?

His behavior now is very important. Does he recognise and accept your hurt? Or is he trying to downplay it? How you both communicate about this going forward will be more important than what he did two years ago.