Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP pays no bills, constantly gambling. Am i being a mug

115 replies

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 08:43

My DP and i have been together 2.5 years. About a year into the relationship i moved into my new flat with my young son. My DP paid for new flooring and a few other bits and bobs as a gift. He lived with his mum at the time and we agreed he could come stay whenever but officially not move in, to give me time for my son and I to adjust etc. Eventually he just moved in without much discussion which was fine as he was there all the time anyway.

I noticed he would constantly tell me how skint he was and how much his bills came to etc. He gets paid weekly and literally every week give me a run down of what he is paying out. For the record he pays a whopping £800 a month on his car insurance and car finance combined.

I have tried to speak to him about money and how i am left paying for everything. Rent, council tax, virgin tv etc. It turns into a massive argument with him casting up all the things he HAS paid for. Days out, holidays (got a tax refund) and just makes me feel so guilty. "All my extra money goes on u and DS" well that's because he HAS extra money for fun things as he pays nothing towards bills and i have barely anything left so i cant contribute to holidays or anything else. Says that if he didnt live here then id be paying the same amount anyway so what difference does it make? He also left the heating on for 4 hours last sunday while we were out and didnt care.

He constantly goes to the bookies and puts on football bets, gambles on his phone but gets angry if i say anything. "Its only a fiver" but its not just a fiver its constant.

He is great with my DS, plays with him, takes him on days out and shows him lots of love. But when we argue he brings this up says he does FAR more than any other man would and that i dont appreciate him. I feel like anything im unhappy about/anything hes done wrong he just casts up all the stuff he does right and constantly casts up that he has paid for a few holidays. Also when we argue he runs back to his mum and tells her everything. Then i feel embarrased to see her.

He has had addiction issues with drinking and has sought help. He had a relapse at Christmas and when i got angry at him he said "im a grown man if i want to drink il drink i dont your permission" so ive to support him through his AA but then not say anything if he drinks?

OP posts:
SuperHandss · 26/01/2023 08:45

Yes, you are being a mug.

Moonlightsonatas · 26/01/2023 08:47

Wouldn’t want that sort of man around my son if I was you. Don’t feel guilty or stupid, you’ve recognised that he is treating you badly.

anythinginapinch · 26/01/2023 08:47

Mug.

Soubriquet · 26/01/2023 08:47

Am I being a mug?

Yes. Big time. Ltb

Hes a gambling alcoholic

Purpleavocado · 26/01/2023 08:49

I think you know the answer to your own question. That's not meant to be sarcastic. He's not a good person though.

wizzywig · 26/01/2023 08:49

Yes a mug. Read the title you wrote yourself. Would it be a hardship if he left today?

AlloftheTime · 26/01/2023 08:50

Please don’t subject yourself or your son to more of this abuse.

im a grown man if i want to drink il drink i dont your permission
if he was a ‘grown’ man he would not be treating you in such a disrespectful way. Please pack his belongings and leave him to be grown up with his mother.
you deserve so much more.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 26/01/2023 08:50

Yes, OP, I’m afraid you are. You say you wouldn’t be much better off without him, but you would have certainty and I believe you would gain self respect. There is also the chance you might meet a better man. Gather your strength and get rid.

Tigresses · 26/01/2023 08:51

Why are you wrecking your DS childhood by having this turmoil in his life.

Your DS doesn’t need his only parent - his Mum preoccupied, stressed and arguing with some addict (swapped one addiction for another) - this will make him insecure and anxious because you can’t be in two emotional places at once. Your DS needs you to be calm, peaceful, attentive to his emotional developmental needs not distracted and distressed and diverting your finite energy, time and headspace negatively with this loser.

You both deserve better. Get him gone. Don’t look back - he will NEVER change. Your DS doesn’t have the luxury of time in his childhood for you to be “fixing” this lost cause.

mrsbyers · 26/01/2023 08:51

Do you want your son to have that as a role model ?

isthewashingdryyet · 26/01/2023 08:51

Yes, grown adults who adult properly pay their way, bills and food and council tax and then fancy cars and fun

he would never have got past my front door with his bags. Move him back out

Acheyknees · 26/01/2023 08:52

Gosh, you've really stuck lucky with him haven't you?
Why on earth does a grown man feel he can sponge of a single woman, 'because your outgoings would be the same' without them! Get rid, he's costing you money and frittering away his money on betting and drink.

Penguinsmum · 26/01/2023 08:52

Yes I'm sad to say it but you are a proper mug

Rainbowqueeen · 26/01/2023 08:52

He’s saying those things to make you doubt yourself.

Don’t listen to him.

He is in no way a decent man. He is a leech. And not a good role model for your son. Think about that. Do you want your son to adore a cocklodging addict and decide that he would like to follow in his footsteps.

hryllilegur · 26/01/2023 08:52

The thing is, it’s not really a question.

You know he’s taking advantage of you.

The real question is: what are you going to do about it?

Etinoxaurus · 26/01/2023 08:53

Big Mug I’m afraid.
💐

MojoDaysxx · 26/01/2023 08:53

He's an addict. Addicted to booze and addicted to gambling. You are being a mug.

Changingplace · 26/01/2023 08:54

My god he’s absolutely awful, get rid of him right now.

TerfOnATrain · 26/01/2023 08:54

I can’t believe how many of these threads there are.

you are a mug
he won’t change
you always be responsible for supporting him
he has no need to do anything any different as you enable him

fuck him off
now

UseOfWeapons · 26/01/2023 08:54

Yes, you know you’re being a mug.
Get him out of your life, now, before you and your son suffer any more emotional and financial damage from this addicted cocklodger.
You can do this.

Bananalanacake · 26/01/2023 08:55

You can have a relationship without living together you know.

Clymene · 26/01/2023 08:55

Yes, you're a mug

ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 08:56

And how exactly is this what you want your son to see as he grows up?

It's crap parenting. Do better.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/01/2023 08:57

i would look up what happens to kids who are exposed to alcoholic parents.

BooCrew · 26/01/2023 08:57

Regardless of the money, that is not a man I'd be in a relationship with. Gambling and problematic drinking are not something I want to be around, let alone a child as well.