DP pays no bills, constantly gambling. Am i being a mug

[Pinkygirl88]

My DP and i have been together 2.5 years. About a year into the relationship i moved into my new flat with my young son. My DP paid for new flooring and a few other bits and bobs as a gift. He lived with his mum at the time and we agreed he could come stay whenever but officially not move in, to give me time for my son and I to adjust etc. Eventually he just moved in without much discussion which was fine as he was there all the time anyway.

I noticed he would constantly tell me how skint he was and how much his bills came to etc. He gets paid weekly and literally every week give me a run down of what he is paying out. For the record he pays a whopping £800 a month on his car insurance and car finance combined.

I have tried to speak to him about money and how i am left paying for everything. Rent, council tax, virgin tv etc. It turns into a massive argument with him casting up all the things he HAS paid for. Days out, holidays (got a tax refund) and just makes me feel so guilty. "All my extra money goes on u and DS" well that's because he HAS extra money for fun things as he pays nothing towards bills and i have barely anything left so i cant contribute to holidays or anything else. Says that if he didnt live here then id be paying the same amount anyway so what difference does it make? He also left the heating on for 4 hours last sunday while we were out and didnt care.

He constantly goes to the bookies and puts on football bets, gambles on his phone but gets angry if i say anything. "Its only a fiver" but its not just a fiver its constant.

He is great with my DS, plays with him, takes him on days out and shows him lots of love. But when we argue he brings this up says he does FAR more than any other man would and that i dont appreciate him. I feel like anything im unhappy about/anything hes done wrong he just casts up all the stuff he does right and constantly casts up that he has paid for a few holidays. Also when we argue he runs back to his mum and tells her everything. Then i feel embarrased to see her.

He has had addiction issues with drinking and has sought help. He had a relapse at Christmas and when i got angry at him he said "im a grown man if i want to drink il drink i dont your permission" so ive to support him through his AA but then not say anything if he drinks?

Yes, you are being a mug. He won’t change, so pack his bags promptly.

DARVO - look it up. This is what he is doing. It's extremely effective which is why you are confused.

Adults contribute to bills each month. They don't overspend on flashy cars when they can'tafford it (guess insurance is high due to his licence??) They don't run home to mummy to complain. They don't waste money on gambling and drinking. He is really unlikely to change so get him to leave as it will only get worse.

Absolutely 100% this ^

Yes, and you’re exposing your son to a gambling alcoholic who treats his mother like shit. I suggest you ask him to move out. Presumably you’re paying full council tax and more on food, utilities etc if he is there anyway, so it is costing you more.

You had it right at the start - you and your son had your own home, he could come and visit. Yet somehow he has moved himself into your home, almost as if you had no say in the matter

OP, you have been way too passive in all this. I'm not saying it as a criticism, lots of us have had to learn the hard way how to assert ourselves and start saying no. But now is the time. Get him out of your home and out of your lives.

Your poor child.

Your awful choices are completely letting your child down.

You have allowed a user/loser/addict to move into your home.

Clearly having a man is more important to you than your son.

No way would a responsible parent allow and addict move into her home and live off her.

You need to do better and get rid of this user.

Stop putting this loser that targeted you ahead of your child.

He got an extra shift on sunday. Made £80, handed me £30 for a food shop. Kept the other £50 under the microwave. its now not there and probably been spent in ladbrokes.

Thanks everyone for replying i am being a mug. I don't know how this has happend to me as ive always been a strong person and come from a very loving family who are supportive and my son is well cared for and is very happy. But i do 2nd guess myself alot of the time wondering if he is drinking or telling lies about money.

DARVO - this is very accurate thankyou

Wouldn't you rather spend your time and headspace thinking about your son, or yourself? He's an adult, he's made his (shitty) choices and can sort himself out, your son has nobody but you to look out for him. You've got an opportunity now to let him see you putting him first, and I imagine you'd rather him remember that than the opposite - mum moved an alcoholic deadbeat into my home and I couldn't do anything about it.
You can absolutely do this, and you deserve the better life that will come when you've got rid of this sponge.

Jesus. Of course you’re a mug. Get the bile freeloader out. Don’t subject your child to that kind of influence.

Arguments over money are never great. If you have different approaches to responsibility it can be very hard. I think I'd give him the option of sitting down and seriously working out a budget together, or moving back to his mum's if he wants to stay a free spending alcoholic man-child.

It all sounds utterly depressing. Does he have any ambition in life other than working shifts then shovelling money under microwaves to be frittered away later at the bookies. If I had any aspiration for myself, I just couldn't be with someone like that.

Yes you are a mug.
He is a freeloading, cocklodging, gaslighting gambler and alcoholic who thinks you are the one who is so lucky to have him.

He's not great with your son, by the way - he’s doing the bare minimum to be able to tell you he’s doing more than a total loser.

Raise your standards, and get him out,

If he tries to bill you for flooring or holidays or anything else, tell him you’ll take it off his bill for his half of the rent, bills and food you’ve subsidised.
And that you’d like the balance by BACS within 2 weeks or he can explain himself to small claims court.

The only way to deal with men like this is to be as hard nosed as they are.

Pack a bag for him when he's at work, leave it on the doorstep. Tell him he needs to move out until he can pay his share of the bills. You will find your bills going down A LOT! And don't let him come visit every day either (if you don't break up over this). Limit it to a set number of times a week, and he has to pay half for the meals and pay for his use of utilities (shower etc).

He is taking money away from you and your DS, if he can't see it when you tell him items never going to change.

"Thanks everyone for replying i am being a mug. I don't know how this has happend to me as ive always been a strong person and come from a very loving family who are supportive and my son is well cared for and is very happy".

He targeted you and deliberately so; he sensed something within you he can and indeed has exploited to his own ends. You need to work out exactly why this happened so that there is no repeat. Your boundaries in relationships, perhaps already messed with by previous poor and or otherwise abusive relationships, are being further got at and otherwise eroded by this man now. You've enabled him and otherwise have allowed him to steamroll his way into your lives. I would also read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

Who is more important to you ultimately; this man or your son?.

Your son will not remain happy with this man in his day to day life and he sees all too clearly how you react, both spoken and unspoken, to this man. You're constantly preoccupied with this man and you are therefore not fully available to your son. You need to get your so called partner out of your home and life permanently.

The ball is now in your court; you need to decide what you are going to do. You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Make better choices than the ones you have already made.

Does this guy have a gold plated cock or something ?

Send him back to his mum. A gambler with a drink problem is a crap partner and a terrible role model for your son. And it's disrespectful of him not to contribute, big whoop that he is nice to your son, its a small price for him to pay to have a lovely life doing exactly as he pleases.

What a horrible, horrible example for your son. The poor kid. I suggest you start thinking about what is best for your child, because having this twat in his life certainly isn't it.

Have you really just typed all that out and don't know the answer to your question?

Yes you are being a mug, with two handles.

He is treating you as if you were his mother - often happens when a man rolls out of the family home into a partners.

Send him back to his mother, permanently. He won’t change, this will be your life going forward.

A life with no man will be 1 million times better than life with this man.
You have choices - your child has none.

I had one of those 12 years ago, he used spend most of his time in my place and he eventually moved in without even a discussion, I felt sorry for him, mine was the same, he wouldn’t paid for anything as he suffered from depression and anxiety and wasn’t working, he was getting benefits so he didn’t even declared that he had moved into my place, he also used to get angry when I confronted him about it and his answer was, you would had to pay for everything if you were on your own anyway 🙄🙄 eventually I lost all respect for him and I got the ick, I asked him to move out and gave him 2 weeks notice, he wouldn’t so I threatening him with leaving all his belongings outside and changing the locks, he moved out eventually and I found out that he had another mug replacement waiting

He needs either you or his mummy to keep him afloat. What a loser.
Of course you will be better off financially without him, he’s such a child to say he makes no difference to your bills and if he were a mature, independent man rather than a man-child he’d know that.

Don't get pregnant.
And make plans to split up.

You're allowing a cock-lodging alcoholic be a role model to your son.

Sorry - but you are a mug to allow this.

Send him back to mummy.