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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP pays no bills, constantly gambling. Am i being a mug

115 replies

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 08:43

My DP and i have been together 2.5 years. About a year into the relationship i moved into my new flat with my young son. My DP paid for new flooring and a few other bits and bobs as a gift. He lived with his mum at the time and we agreed he could come stay whenever but officially not move in, to give me time for my son and I to adjust etc. Eventually he just moved in without much discussion which was fine as he was there all the time anyway.

I noticed he would constantly tell me how skint he was and how much his bills came to etc. He gets paid weekly and literally every week give me a run down of what he is paying out. For the record he pays a whopping £800 a month on his car insurance and car finance combined.

I have tried to speak to him about money and how i am left paying for everything. Rent, council tax, virgin tv etc. It turns into a massive argument with him casting up all the things he HAS paid for. Days out, holidays (got a tax refund) and just makes me feel so guilty. "All my extra money goes on u and DS" well that's because he HAS extra money for fun things as he pays nothing towards bills and i have barely anything left so i cant contribute to holidays or anything else. Says that if he didnt live here then id be paying the same amount anyway so what difference does it make? He also left the heating on for 4 hours last sunday while we were out and didnt care.

He constantly goes to the bookies and puts on football bets, gambles on his phone but gets angry if i say anything. "Its only a fiver" but its not just a fiver its constant.

He is great with my DS, plays with him, takes him on days out and shows him lots of love. But when we argue he brings this up says he does FAR more than any other man would and that i dont appreciate him. I feel like anything im unhappy about/anything hes done wrong he just casts up all the stuff he does right and constantly casts up that he has paid for a few holidays. Also when we argue he runs back to his mum and tells her everything. Then i feel embarrased to see her.

He has had addiction issues with drinking and has sought help. He had a relapse at Christmas and when i got angry at him he said "im a grown man if i want to drink il drink i dont your permission" so ive to support him through his AA but then not say anything if he drinks?

OP posts:
LadyT27 · 26/01/2023 09:55

You are a mug.

I would also say as someone who grew up with a dad who had a drinking and gambling problem, you need to finish this relationship for the sake of your son. Although he may be 'fun' now with your son, your son will eventually see him for what he is and will definitely pick up the tension between you both.

billy1966 · 26/01/2023 09:56

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 09:15

He got an extra shift on sunday. Made £80, handed me £30 for a food shop. Kept the other £50 under the microwave. its now not there and probably been spent in ladbrokes.

Thanks everyone for replying i am being a mug. I don't know how this has happend to me as ive always been a strong person and come from a very loving family who are supportive and my son is well cared for and is very happy. But i do 2nd guess myself alot of the time wondering if he is drinking or telling lies about money.

DARVO - this is very accurate thankyou

Even worse.

You don't even have the excuse of not knowing any better.

You come from a loving home with a supportive family yet you think an addict living off you is all your child deserves.

I hope your family step in and involve SS.

Your son deserves so much better than the home life you provide where having any loser excuse of a man is better than none.

You need to take a good hard look at yourself because you have no excuse, other than complete selfishness, to have an addict in your home living off you.

gamerchick · 26/01/2023 10:03

Yep you are. Tell him to pack his bags and go home to his mother.

EyesOnThePies · 26/01/2023 10:04

The fact that he is a gambling alcoholic aside, He splashes the cash and congratulates himself for doing so because he is incredibly immature with money and has no financial responsibilities.

Grown ups look at bills and budgets and meet their responsibilities.

It isn’t a partnership unless you deal with those responsibilities together, and if it isn’t a partnership it isn’t a relationship.

Inertia · 26/01/2023 10:06

What’s the point of him?

He drinks, gambles, gaslights you, and lack of contribution to bills means he’s taking money you need for your child.

Send him back to his mother and block him.

FinallyHere · 26/01/2023 10:18

*he just moved in without much discussion

he would constantly tell me how skint he was

a whopping £800 a month on his car insurance and car finance combined.*

I'm afraid I don't see any redeeming qualities here. Do you really want your DS growing up with this exss as mole, that women are drudges for men to get to have fun while women work to pay the bills?

What would you say to a sibling, daughter for a friend in this situation?

Of course he didn't want any discussion before he moved in. What could he have said ? Alright if I move in, you pay the bills while drive a fancy car? Yeah, right.

How would you feel if your DS starting treating someone this way ?

You deserve so.much.better

ohdizzy · 26/01/2023 10:19

Yes.

ImBlueDab · 26/01/2023 10:21

Yes you're being a mug

Rookriver · 26/01/2023 10:34

These men are experts at worming their way in, so don't feel bad about it. You've recognised it now so you can get rid.

He can go back to mummy's.

Natty13 · 26/01/2023 10:41

You aren't going to find a single person who thinks this is a man worth keeping. There aren't enough good qualities in the world to balance out all that bad. This is a crap example for your son on how men should be, what hope do our daughters have if this is how mums of boys are bringing them up.

DeathstarDarling · 26/01/2023 10:46

You are a only mug because he has deviously set you up to be. Its not your fault but it will be if you carry on like this, now you have realised what is going on.
You know he is a lying, drinking gambling freeloader that treats you badly and does not contribute to household unless its bits and bobs when he feels like being 'generous'. I can guarantee if you added up everything he has paid for it would not cover his share of the bills by a long way.
You know you don't want your son to think this is how a man behaves, and to repeat this behaviour when he grows up.
Let your 'D'P run back to his mummy and tell her everything. While he is there, pack his bag, change the locks and tell him to stay there.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 26/01/2023 10:56

I've only read your thread title and I know you're a mug. Brb when I've read the whole OP.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 26/01/2023 10:59

Oh dear, was hoping my last comment was flippant and I'd be wrong. But no. He sounds awful and you need to get rid. He's an alcoholic, mummy's boy with a gambling problem.

luckylavender · 26/01/2023 11:02

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 08:43

My DP and i have been together 2.5 years. About a year into the relationship i moved into my new flat with my young son. My DP paid for new flooring and a few other bits and bobs as a gift. He lived with his mum at the time and we agreed he could come stay whenever but officially not move in, to give me time for my son and I to adjust etc. Eventually he just moved in without much discussion which was fine as he was there all the time anyway.

I noticed he would constantly tell me how skint he was and how much his bills came to etc. He gets paid weekly and literally every week give me a run down of what he is paying out. For the record he pays a whopping £800 a month on his car insurance and car finance combined.

I have tried to speak to him about money and how i am left paying for everything. Rent, council tax, virgin tv etc. It turns into a massive argument with him casting up all the things he HAS paid for. Days out, holidays (got a tax refund) and just makes me feel so guilty. "All my extra money goes on u and DS" well that's because he HAS extra money for fun things as he pays nothing towards bills and i have barely anything left so i cant contribute to holidays or anything else. Says that if he didnt live here then id be paying the same amount anyway so what difference does it make? He also left the heating on for 4 hours last sunday while we were out and didnt care.

He constantly goes to the bookies and puts on football bets, gambles on his phone but gets angry if i say anything. "Its only a fiver" but its not just a fiver its constant.

He is great with my DS, plays with him, takes him on days out and shows him lots of love. But when we argue he brings this up says he does FAR more than any other man would and that i dont appreciate him. I feel like anything im unhappy about/anything hes done wrong he just casts up all the stuff he does right and constantly casts up that he has paid for a few holidays. Also when we argue he runs back to his mum and tells her everything. Then i feel embarrased to see her.

He has had addiction issues with drinking and has sought help. He had a relapse at Christmas and when i got angry at him he said "im a grown man if i want to drink il drink i dont your permission" so ive to support him through his AA but then not say anything if he drinks?

Mug

viques · 26/01/2023 11:03

“Doing far more than other dads”

Actually the first and most important thing a good dad does is ensure that his child has its basic human needs met which means food, warm clothes and safe suitable accommodation. Good dads do this by making sure that the child’s needs are met before their own selfish wants.

Playing and being fun daddy is great, it doesn’t pay for the heating, the food or the safe home.

viques · 26/01/2023 11:04

BTW you are being a mug.

LoekMa · 26/01/2023 11:36

Definitely a wonderful role model for your DS. Here's to hoping he finds a woman like you later on too

anyoneanyoneanyone · 26/01/2023 11:49

What is it that makes you feel attached to him?

hryllilegur · 26/01/2023 11:51

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 09:15

He got an extra shift on sunday. Made £80, handed me £30 for a food shop. Kept the other £50 under the microwave. its now not there and probably been spent in ladbrokes.

Thanks everyone for replying i am being a mug. I don't know how this has happend to me as ive always been a strong person and come from a very loving family who are supportive and my son is well cared for and is very happy. But i do 2nd guess myself alot of the time wondering if he is drinking or telling lies about money.

DARVO - this is very accurate thankyou

It’s remarkably easy to get sucked into a problem relationship like this. It can be hard to realise that it’s not you that’s the problem (because so many partners are great at DARVO).

Now that you have realised what a shit show you’ve got yourself in and that he’s taking the piss, you need to decide what you are going to do to change the situation.

Firstly, you cannot change him. You need to recognise this. This is exactly who he is and how he behaves. There is precisely no point in trying to change that. Especially as he’s an addict. You simply cannot control or cure that. Do you want to live second guessing yourself all the time?

Secondly, it’s your house. You can tell him that it’s not working and he needs to leave. He was staying with his mum when you met him, so he can go back there. And then figure out longer term housing for himself from there.

Thirdly, you probably need a plan for if he refuses to leave. You should certainly budget for changing the locks when he does.

Also: try to frame it as ‘he’s taking advantage of me’ rather than ‘I’m a mug’. It makes you focus on what he is doing and stops you making yourself the problem. You need to be angry with him, rather than blaming yourself, so that you can make the changes you need to do

Justmeandthedog1 · 26/01/2023 11:56

Kick him out. Now. Today. This will not improve. He will drag you down with him .

Tigresses · 26/01/2023 12:08

The stuff with your DS is performative and the easiest part of parenting - and it’s inauthentic because he’s keeping score.

Everyone has finite resources money, time, emotions, headspace - don’t let this man child drain yours negatively - conserve it for your precious DS.

Jmaho · 26/01/2023 12:12

He sounds like an absolute loser

Minikievs · 26/01/2023 12:12

Yes you are.
Boot him out

GerbilsForever24 · 26/01/2023 12:21

He's right, you're paying the bills anyway... so him leaving will only improve your life as you'll have a lower food bill, lower heating bill and fewer arguments.

Unicorn2022 · 26/01/2023 12:25

You have been a Sports Direct size mug. But at least you now know you deserve better and can kick him out.