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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP pays no bills, constantly gambling. Am i being a mug

115 replies

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 08:43

My DP and i have been together 2.5 years. About a year into the relationship i moved into my new flat with my young son. My DP paid for new flooring and a few other bits and bobs as a gift. He lived with his mum at the time and we agreed he could come stay whenever but officially not move in, to give me time for my son and I to adjust etc. Eventually he just moved in without much discussion which was fine as he was there all the time anyway.

I noticed he would constantly tell me how skint he was and how much his bills came to etc. He gets paid weekly and literally every week give me a run down of what he is paying out. For the record he pays a whopping £800 a month on his car insurance and car finance combined.

I have tried to speak to him about money and how i am left paying for everything. Rent, council tax, virgin tv etc. It turns into a massive argument with him casting up all the things he HAS paid for. Days out, holidays (got a tax refund) and just makes me feel so guilty. "All my extra money goes on u and DS" well that's because he HAS extra money for fun things as he pays nothing towards bills and i have barely anything left so i cant contribute to holidays or anything else. Says that if he didnt live here then id be paying the same amount anyway so what difference does it make? He also left the heating on for 4 hours last sunday while we were out and didnt care.

He constantly goes to the bookies and puts on football bets, gambles on his phone but gets angry if i say anything. "Its only a fiver" but its not just a fiver its constant.

He is great with my DS, plays with him, takes him on days out and shows him lots of love. But when we argue he brings this up says he does FAR more than any other man would and that i dont appreciate him. I feel like anything im unhappy about/anything hes done wrong he just casts up all the stuff he does right and constantly casts up that he has paid for a few holidays. Also when we argue he runs back to his mum and tells her everything. Then i feel embarrased to see her.

He has had addiction issues with drinking and has sought help. He had a relapse at Christmas and when i got angry at him he said "im a grown man if i want to drink il drink i dont your permission" so ive to support him through his AA but then not say anything if he drinks?

OP posts:
HanSB · 26/01/2023 12:34

Take control, if he doesn’t want to pay then send him back to his mum who won’t want him back either. He’s an adult and is taking advantage of you. You can do better than this for you and your son. Don’t waste any more time, money and energy on this man child.

MrsMoastyToasty · 26/01/2023 12:38

More of a mug than the biggest mug tree in the world filled with Sports Direct mugs.
So, yes.

Dacadactyl · 26/01/2023 12:39

I think you are being a mug, yes.

FWIW, my husband plays with his kids, looks after us all, does some housework and doesn't gamble.

Sometimes he will have a drink but 8 times out of 10 if I say "I think you've had enough", he won't have any more.

There are decent men out there. Don't let your boyfriend make you think that he's the best you can get.

MargotMoon · 26/01/2023 12:44

Haven't RTFT so apols if someone else has already posted this but you could contact Gamcare. They are a charity who help partners of problem gamblers (well, not just partners but any family or friends affected by problem gambling.)

Grincheynewyear · 26/01/2023 12:52

So a grown man (apparently) sponges off his mum (possibly retired herself?). Then sponges off a single parent. If you kick him out presumably he will run back to mum.

Why can’t he fund his own accommodation? Where is his self respect? Ability to stand in his own two feet? Pay for his own place? Be an adult?

AdoraBell · 26/01/2023 12:56

Get rid. He’s treating you like he’s still live with his mummy.

Livinghappy · 26/01/2023 12:59

@Pinkygirl88 You are only a mug if you tolerate it - once you've had the wake up.

Not surprising you had a lovely upbringing. The issue isn't you, it's him and I'm sure his behaviour has slowly got worse.

I don't think you are at fault because "good" people who haven't had a toxic background believe the world is full of people like them. Then they meet a toxic person and have the wake up. Hopefully you will learn from this and avoid similar characters...the red flag was him moving in by stealth without a discussion on finances.

Sunriseinwonderland · 26/01/2023 13:08

For Gods sake get rid of him. He is sponging money that should be for your son. These type of men target single mums for a reason.

tothelefttotheleft · 26/01/2023 13:25

Never time he's at work bag his stuff up and take it to his mums.

Francisca459 · 26/01/2023 13:29

You are a lonely, vulnerable single mother and are being abused by a predator.

There are hundreds of thousands of women just like you. Break away. Your son is going to grow up thinking that's how men are. You need to get some self-respect and love yourself and your son more. Protect yourself from dangerous, feckless parasitic cockroaches like your "partner". Get him out of the house and absolutely zero contact of any kind, or he will worm his way back in. He has a free house and a free housekeeper - he won't want to give that up.

Tigresses · 26/01/2023 13:36

hryllilegur · 26/01/2023 11:51

It’s remarkably easy to get sucked into a problem relationship like this. It can be hard to realise that it’s not you that’s the problem (because so many partners are great at DARVO).

Now that you have realised what a shit show you’ve got yourself in and that he’s taking the piss, you need to decide what you are going to do to change the situation.

Firstly, you cannot change him. You need to recognise this. This is exactly who he is and how he behaves. There is precisely no point in trying to change that. Especially as he’s an addict. You simply cannot control or cure that. Do you want to live second guessing yourself all the time?

Secondly, it’s your house. You can tell him that it’s not working and he needs to leave. He was staying with his mum when you met him, so he can go back there. And then figure out longer term housing for himself from there.

Thirdly, you probably need a plan for if he refuses to leave. You should certainly budget for changing the locks when he does.

Also: try to frame it as ‘he’s taking advantage of me’ rather than ‘I’m a mug’. It makes you focus on what he is doing and stops you making yourself the problem. You need to be angry with him, rather than blaming yourself, so that you can make the changes you need to do

Show quote history

100%.

Speak to your loving family and friends for support.

Tell them that you want this man out of your home and life and ask them to help you make it happen.

Get this all planned and buttoned down before you tell him.

Get his stuff packed, dropped at is Mums, locks changed and have a friend there when you tell him he is not entering your home again.

There is nothing to discuss. You don’t have to be drawn into any arguments, reasons or rational as he will spin your head.

Just say on repeat “we are not compatible” - no angle for rowing, “there is nothing further to discuss”.

Dont fall for pleading or promises.

Addicts are manipulative, exploitative liars.

PenanceAdair · 26/01/2023 13:38

Yes. (Just answering the thread title).

Upon reading the OP, the answer is still yes.

Francisca459 · 26/01/2023 13:41

OP - Just to let you know that when you eventually finish it, he will probably start crying and screaming or banging his head of a door or threatening to kill himself. These type of men do this to guilt you into letting them stay. However you plan to get rid of him, make sure you aren't alone with him at all, so he can't do the histrionic act on you. Have at least one person with you.

unsync · 26/01/2023 13:45

You are being a mug. Tell him to go.

Tigresses · 26/01/2023 13:52

Francisca459 · 26/01/2023 13:41

OP - Just to let you know that when you eventually finish it, he will probably start crying and screaming or banging his head of a door or threatening to kill himself. These type of men do this to guilt you into letting them stay. However you plan to get rid of him, make sure you aren't alone with him at all, so he can't do the histrionic act on you. Have at least one person with you.

Yes this is very important.

It’s more manipulation and exploitation.

Block him and make it clear you don’t want to hear from him again - and know that if he contacts you twice after this instruction it constitutes harassment and you should report him to the police.

Get a ring doorbell. Tell your neighbours he is not to be around. Tell his Mum - and don’t listen to any of her pleading or promising.

Take your personal safely seriously and do not give him any communication opportunities to get in your head.

Have busy social plans to keep you distracted and connected during the painful early weeks and months.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 13:53

Your question would serve you better if instead of asking
"am I being a mug?"
you asked yourself
"WHY am I being a mug?"

I don't know how this has happend to me as ive always been a strong person and come from a very loving family who are supportive and my son is well cared for and is very happy

So you don't feel you have especially poor boundaries or self-esteem problems - yet here this parasite is, sucking your blood.

He's the cocklodger variant of parasite, & they tend to move into your home by stealth. Yours slid into your home direct from his mum's, bringing his entitlement & addictions with him. You didn't discuss it, but I bet he played on your kindness, made you need to show gratitute for his help with the flooring, moaned about how hard things were for him living at his mum's & not having YOUR advantages ...

All while blowing £800 on a flash car, & drinking & betting the rest away.

He also uses your son against you. 'I'm nicer to him than other men would be' is a ... revolting stance to take. And you seem to have bought into his bullshit that playing with & taking out the child of the partner you cohabit with deserves brownie points & applause. It doesn't: it's basic, decent adulting.

So when are you kicking him out, & what support do you need to brace yourself to do it?

XmasElf10 · 26/01/2023 14:36

Sorry but definitely a mug.

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2023 16:44

Why on earth did you agree he could stay 'whenever? "Hey useless addict here's a fully kitted out house with a stocked fridge that you can use for free whenever you like plus you'll get sex!"

No wonder he silently moved in. Didn't you say anything when you noticed he wasn't going home? Does he have a key?

minmooch · 26/01/2023 16:47

Yes you are being a complete mug.

mumofone2019 · 26/01/2023 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 17:16

Hi everyone,

No, he doesnt have a key which is good.

No, i dont want my son to grow up thinking he can treat woman like this. I didnt really see any problems at the beginning as he never drank (now i know why as he was doing his AA stuff at that point and didnt tell me) it was also lockdown we weren't going anywhere and i barely drank. It wasn't until about a year ago i noticed things werent right in that department and having a drink led to him falling asleep (even once in a restaurant)

Yes, i probably do have self esteem issues as i used to be quite over weight. Always had lots of friends but was very insecure. I lost all my weight within the last 10 year's or so but maybe part of me still feels insecure and not worthy.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I am planning the best way to end things, waiting until my DS goes to his dads.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 26/01/2023 17:25

Mug.

You're exposing your son to an entitled addicted Mummy's boy who sponges off you and has zero sense of adulthood.

That will affect how he sees women and relationships in future.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 26/01/2023 17:27

You need to get out of this relationship. I was brought up in a home with a gambling father and it is not a healthy life it's awful and it will get worse. You will never have peace of mind and you will never be settled. Get out while your child is young

averylongtimeago · 26/01/2023 17:33

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 17:16

Hi everyone,

No, he doesnt have a key which is good.

No, i dont want my son to grow up thinking he can treat woman like this. I didnt really see any problems at the beginning as he never drank (now i know why as he was doing his AA stuff at that point and didnt tell me) it was also lockdown we weren't going anywhere and i barely drank. It wasn't until about a year ago i noticed things werent right in that department and having a drink led to him falling asleep (even once in a restaurant)

Yes, i probably do have self esteem issues as i used to be quite over weight. Always had lots of friends but was very insecure. I lost all my weight within the last 10 year's or so but maybe part of me still feels insecure and not worthy.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I am planning the best way to end things, waiting until my DS goes to his dads.

Well done for recognising the problem- now for the solution.
Flowers

Tigresses · 26/01/2023 17:36

Pinkygirl88 · 26/01/2023 17:16

Hi everyone,

No, he doesnt have a key which is good.

No, i dont want my son to grow up thinking he can treat woman like this. I didnt really see any problems at the beginning as he never drank (now i know why as he was doing his AA stuff at that point and didnt tell me) it was also lockdown we weren't going anywhere and i barely drank. It wasn't until about a year ago i noticed things werent right in that department and having a drink led to him falling asleep (even once in a restaurant)

Yes, i probably do have self esteem issues as i used to be quite over weight. Always had lots of friends but was very insecure. I lost all my weight within the last 10 year's or so but maybe part of me still feels insecure and not worthy.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I am planning the best way to end things, waiting until my DS goes to his dads.

Well done @Pinkygirl88 - do you have support (friends / family) who can help you plan, execute and maintain his removal from your life.

Please don’t underestimate what stunts he will pull to try to change your mind (pleading, promising) and then to punish you (threats, abuse, revenge, harassment etc) - you do not need to be exposed to this - nor does your DS.

Please be prepared and get help at hand.

Take care of yourself. Well done again.