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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to be intimate & I can't change even though its destroying our marriage

107 replies

Snuggledandwarm · 26/01/2023 07:06

Been with my husband a long time. Two preteens. He works from home since covid. I'm a housewife.

As in a lot of marriages, since having the kids the intimacy started to decrease. I coslept for 6 years. I also snore. So as we had a spare room, husband slept in there and still does. We haven't shared a bed for 11 years.

Day to day life & struggles, then the pandemic, then him going from working out of the house to working from home . I'm never alone. He's here all the time .he has no life outside of the house. I feel smothered by him. I'm on the pill and high blood pressure tablets. My libido I'd at zero.
Over time I stopped wanting to be intimate. It was a mixture of feeling insecure about myself as I'm overweight, and I've just never got much pleasure from being intimate. I would really try to do so, we would do it more often for a couple of weeks then it would stop again.
Then as time has gone on I also didn't want to kiss him, hug him or anything. I have no clue why. When he comes near me I tense up. I Start to get anxious and panicky & make excuses to leave the room. Or sometimes I can tell that I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.
I feel so guilty about this. What I don't understand is why dont i want to even kiss or hug him? i love him so much. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I'm hurting him being like this . We've talked about it and I know it's upsetting for him. Of course it is I don't know what to do. When I do try to overcome my feelings and kiss him etc it's almost traumatic for me.i feel violated.

He has done absolutely nothing wrong.hes a lovely husband and shouldn't have to put up with this. I don't even want to feel this way myself. Has anyone experienced this and ever got through it? I don't want to lose him

OP posts:
supercali77 · 26/01/2023 07:12

You're on the pill but not having sex? First off the pill kills my libido stone dead. So that's one thing. Could you possibly be perimenopausal?

tulipsunday · 26/01/2023 07:14

This could be related being on the pill. I felt similar to this so can relate and have felt a bit better since being off it. Perhaps have a discussion with your GP about trying a different pill or having a break from hormonal contraception

supercali77 · 26/01/2023 07:16

Also, I'd find a job that gets you out of the house. It'll mean you feel less suffocated and change things up a bit

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2023 07:16

How old are dc now, what are you doing outside the home for pleasure/volunteering to give you a break and different environment? Do you want to be a housewife forever?

Original poster
Snuggledandwarm · 26/01/2023 07:22

I'm on the pill for heavy bleeding. Not for contraception. I'm on the mini pill and it's completely stopped My periods which is absolutely amazing for me .I don't want to come off it. I've only been taking it for about 3 years and I remembered still feeling this way before going on it. This provhad

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 26/01/2023 07:24

It would help if you had a job. You're at home all the time, surely with two pre teen kids you don't need to be at home all day . If he is a lovely man , and if you want to feel more comfortable around intimacy, I'd recommend getting a job, making a life for yourself, having some outside interests. Look after yourself, get that snoring seen to - it isn't good for your health at all . Get off the Pill - you don't need it if you have no sex life.

ShippingNews · 26/01/2023 07:25

Sorry - cross post - ignore my "get off the pill" comment.

Starlitestarbright · 26/01/2023 07:26

Why aren't you working? I think it would improve your mental well being, just being around other adults having conversations, building up different relationships outside of just being a wife.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 26/01/2023 07:27

I knew I had fallen out of love when I no longer could bear the idea of kissing DH. It took me years to accept it though.

There may not be nothing wrong with you, you may just been done with this relationship and are starting to get frustrated about needing to act in love with him when what you most thrive for is space.

We ended it and both of us moved into long term happy relationships. Interestingly, we both lost a lot of weight and felt better and happier once we had decided to part.

Allelbowsandtoes · 26/01/2023 07:27

I think this is way beyond the remit of strangers on mumsnet. I'd suggest seeing a sex therapist, maybe alone at first and maybe some sessions together, too. You need to work out why you feel so panicky and violated when you have any sort of intimacy with him, even affection.

It sounds very tiring and horrible OP, best of luck with it x

Original poster
Snuggledandwarm · 26/01/2023 07:29

Husband didn't want me to work when the kids were younger because his job had unreliable hours and he had to travel to different parts of the country for a few days every couple of weeks . It was easier for me to be here for the kids. Financially I didn't need to work so it was just better that way at the time. But now they are getting older and he now works from home most of the time things are getting easier to allow me to go back to work which is my intention

OP posts:
Original poster
Snuggledandwarm · 26/01/2023 07:35

This feeling I've got has developed slowly over about 8 years. Because I don't want sex I think I've put all barriers up to prevent any interaction that could possibly lead to sex, such as a kiss.

In other areas of the relationship I'm fine,when that pressure is taken away. For example he has the day off today an we are going into town to run errands and have lunch. It will be a lovely day and we will have a nice time. I will be really nice to him. Because we are out of the house and I know at that moment there's no possibility of sex. But then as soon as we get back in the house I'll feel very differently.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 26/01/2023 07:39

You could try this - speak to him and say you want to try taking sex entirely off the table for X amount of time. Completely off. It relieves the pressure from small things like hugs and kisses?

6ft1minimum · 26/01/2023 07:42

I would start by like PP looking for a part time job, if you don't feel great about yourself try and start doing a little exercise going for walks and build it up. Have you seen a doctor about your low libido?

BigGreen · 26/01/2023 07:47

I think therapy and w job out of the house would both be really helpful for you.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 26/01/2023 07:48

I can recommend my therapist. Solo therapy helped me a lot. Your situation sounds complicated - never enjoying sex much, feeling smothered and so forth. How is your husband in all this? Does he pester for sex or is he at peace with your life?

Livinghappy · 26/01/2023 08:15

Or sometimes I can tell that I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me

That is awful for him to deal with. He must be walking on eggshells wondering when you will switch. It's important that you stop this behaviour and speak to him and take responsibility. Your children must be aware of the dynamic so you are teaching them what a relationship looks like.

Take ownership for this - see a therapist to understand what is behind your feelings. Only you can change this and your husband deserves to have a healthy relationship.

Laquila · 26/01/2023 08:15

I sympathise hugely. I suspect that you don't want to kiss him because you feel as though that will immediately raise his hopes for sex, and that currently feels terrifying to you. As a PP said, the only way forward is to start talking to him about it, bring as open and honest as you can. Whether you want to involve anyone else, such as a counselor, is up to you, but until you tell your husband how you feel (and explain that you want to save your marriage), then nothing will change. I'd suggest explaining how you feel and asking, as a PP said, to take intimacy off the table for a while. Once you feel as though he's supportive of you in this, maybe you can work up to having these discussions in bed, which can help make bed seem a less stressful place, IYSWIM.

Please don't feel guilty - this happens a lot and it's basically what sex therapists are for! It's worth flagging that sometimes it's related to a seemingly small thing such as a really nasty dose of cystitis or another illness/situation that puts you off sex for a while. It can then be very difficult to shift the fear of that pain again, and even though you eventually forget the original trigger, it can take a lot of work to get over/round it.

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/01/2023 08:20

Can I ask do you have sexual urges that you pursue alone?

I got the ick with my ex husband, but i was still experiencing sexual needs, just not with him

BunchHarman · 26/01/2023 08:24

A job, exercise to help with the weight and blood pressure, and maybe some therapy will help.

Snoken · 26/01/2023 08:25

It's possible to be friends without being married. I think that's the stage you are at now.

I completely fell out of love with my EXDH after about 18 years of marriage, I couldn't face having sex with him, kissing him made me feel gross etc. I was OK hugging him because that is in no way sexual. It took me a couple of additional years to figure out why I was feeling this way and if it could change. I left him a year ago and it is such a huge relief. There hasn't been a single day that I regret leaving or that I wish he was here. He didn't do anything massivly wrong and he was perfectly nice, but once you fall out of love it's really hard to come back from that.

I don't think it's fair on either of you to live like this. I can feel how stressed you are through your post, and he must feel totally confused and rejected.

Original poster
Snuggledandwarm · 26/01/2023 08:27

@Oopsiedaisyy Yes I do

OP posts:
MrsMullerBecameABaby · 26/01/2023 08:28

Snoring usually indicates a deeper health problem. It's worth investigating as many people who snore have absolutely abysmal quality of sleep meaning that they're actually permanently extremely tired. Sleep deprivation leads to weight gain long term, which makes the snoring worse. If your snoring could be sleep apnea related this can be linked to serious heart issues too.

These things are treatable but only if you can get them investigated and diagnosed. If you as a couple/ family have money to go private for investigations this would be a much better investment than sex therapy!

If you're permanently tired because your snoring indicates or causes low quality, interrupted sleep then sorting out the snoring could actually completely change your life. Once you're well rested and not snoring you may not only have the energy to have a fuller life outside the house, you might also be able to share a bed!

erehj · 26/01/2023 08:31

Did you ever fancy him or enjoy intimacy in your life?

I'd see the GP and ask about perimenopause. HRT might help. Getting off the pill might help. Talking therapies might help. Antidepressants might help. It's not really possible for us to say, but please do seek medical help as this is a really unhealthy and unhappy way to live for both you and your DH, if you are deliberately engineering conflict in the relationship.

Original poster
Snuggledandwarm · 26/01/2023 08:31

It's a horrible limbo to be in. I want to be with him. We've spent our whole adult lives together. I don't want to be with anyone else .

But it's so unfair to him as he hasn't done anything specifically wrong.

We have talked about it previously.i try harder for a while then it slips again.

What I can't get past at the moment is when I try to do it I don't want to be doing it ,I don't enjoy it, as i said upost I almost feel violated . Then when it's over I'm back to thinking how long till the next time? If I could do it once a year or something and know that after it was done I'd have a year till the next time it would feel easier to cope with. But having this constant underlying worry and being so aware of the issue causes me constant stress and guilt

OP posts: