I don't want to be intimate & I can't change even though its destroying our marriage

[Snuggledandwarm]

Been with my husband a long time. Two preteens. He works from home since covid. I'm a housewife.

As in a lot of marriages, since having the kids the intimacy started to decrease. I coslept for 6 years. I also snore. So as we had a spare room, husband slept in there and still does. We haven't shared a bed for 11 years.

Day to day life & struggles, then the pandemic, then him going from working out of the house to working from home . I'm never alone. He's here all the time .he has no life outside of the house. I feel smothered by him. I'm on the pill and high blood pressure tablets. My libido I'd at zero.
Over time I stopped wanting to be intimate. It was a mixture of feeling insecure about myself as I'm overweight, and I've just never got much pleasure from being intimate. I would really try to do so, we would do it more often for a couple of weeks then it would stop again.
Then as time has gone on I also didn't want to kiss him, hug him or anything. I have no clue why. When he comes near me I tense up. I Start to get anxious and panicky & make excuses to leave the room. Or sometimes I can tell that I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.
I feel so guilty about this. What I don't understand is why dont i want to even kiss or hug him? i love him so much. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I'm hurting him being like this . We've talked about it and I know it's upsetting for him. Of course it is I don't know what to do. When I do try to overcome my feelings and kiss him etc it's almost traumatic for me.i feel violated.

He has done absolutely nothing wrong.hes a lovely husband and shouldn't have to put up with this. I don't even want to feel this way myself. Has anyone experienced this and ever got through it? I don't want to lose him

@Snuggledandwarm, Get yourself counselling and take it from there. This could be fixable so focus on what you can do to relight the passion.

The OP is very clear in her initial post that she feels horribly guilty about this situation and that it's very hard on her husband - she's literally posted this thread to try and improve the situation, so I don't know why posters are calling her toxic and saying she isn't even considering how her husband must be feeling.

Start to plan for how you would separate with minimal adverse impact on the kids. If things blow up you need to have a plan in place even if neither you or your husband wants to use that plan yet.

Then do the things others have pointed out, sort your diet and exercise, get a job, go to counselling etc. have a plan if this spirals though.

But it's not going to come naturally. Meaning that I need to put an act on and fake it. Surely that's just as bad.
From my experience a loving man knows when you are faking it and won't want sex that way anyway. No one wants to shag someone hi doesn't want it as it feels rapey.
It's so tough because you BOTH want to stay together but you both know there is a problem

😆🫢 sorry. I should not laugh.

@Snuggledandwarm I’m not sure YOU have to be the one that changes. It feels like you taking on all the blame when there is no blame associated with not fancying someone.

What needs to happen is a discussion, maybe with the help of a counsellor, to see how to move forward.
You both seem to really value the relationship.
You dint want sex but he does
It might be that he would be ok to ‘settle’ for cuddles and kiss Wo no sex ever whilst you would be happy for cuddles if you knew sex would be out.
it could be that the marriage as it is isn’t enough fir him to compensate for the no sex.
i have no idea what is right for you but I’d encourage you to explore if there are other ways forward that could work fir both if you rather than fixating on the general view if a marriage that has to involve sex twice a week type of thing. Look together at so,Uruk s rather than blaming.
Even if you dint find a solution and end up separating, it will give you a much better base to do so.

If you still love each other, have you ever discussed an open relationship? That is if he still wants sex. He probably doesn't want you to feel this way either and doesn't know how to help you. It could be the change, it could be many small contributing factors that make him less sexually desirable to you. To be honest, I'm not sure how many couples are having very regular sex that isn't partly a chore. That may seem like a harsh thing to say, but emotions have a huge impact on how physical you want to be with your partner, both ways. You sound as though you are living your lives in each other's company all the time, with no breaks and no independent hobbies or even friends maybe, outside the home. Do you?

This will slowly but surely eat away at most relationships as they become monotonous and predictable. Can you not find a hobby or friendship group close by? MeetUp is great for finding new things to do in your local area with new people. You need to get out, and try and do things you've never done. Go for a walk daily, see if any neighbours need help or a dog walk, just to get out and do something. Encourage him to do this too. What are your interests, what are his?

Perhaps sit down with him and make a plan to try one new thing outdoors, or at least outside the house. Just one thing. If you enjoy it, schedule it in for once a week and then maybe twice a week if you really find it benefits you both.

Don't feel bad for not wanting to be intimate under these circumstances. It happens to more people than you realise, but you are brave enough to ask for opinions.

Does your husband still make you feel loved, or does he only give you attention when he wants intimacy? Is your husband overweight, in good health, has bad breath, etc etc etc? Does he take care of himself? Do you take care of yourself? If you feel you may have let that ball drop, why not make a plan for self-care, both of you. Do small things that make you feel good. A manicure, facial, skin brushing, improve your way of eating, try fasting, go for a very brisk walk every day or twice a day, even if it's just for 10 minutes. It will make you feel better.

Sorry for waffling but I hope it helped a little bit. Sex is not the be-all and end-all. It doesn't have to be.

My motto is 'do one thing every day that makes you happy.' Happiness releases serotonin/dopamine/endorphin fix. This can work wonders.

I think you need to work on your own life first - look at part time work (or volunteering if you really don’t need the money), hobbies and exercise. Perhaps suggest to him that sex is totally off the table for a set period, and therefore kisses and hugs are just that, not an expectation of sex

I’d get yourself a job, and get some counselling on your own to explore why you feel like this. You’re taking steps to look at why this has happened and I guess you need to see what comes out of the counselling. Hopefully it will lead to an honest conversation with your husband about next steps and if you’re both genuinely happy like this or want to split.

What about alternatives to the pill for heavy bleeding like transemic acid (sp.) and see if that helps.

Mini pill made me grumpy and sex drive less , to my memory.

How old are you op, sorry if youve mentioned it(?)

Is he decent in bed .... Does he actually help you to climax etc.

People suggesting an open relationship ..... Mostly open relationships lead to the people forming actual relationships with their "open" partners.

Human nature.

There was a woman on here who found herself left for a younger woman after agreeing to an open relationship; it did not work out for her.

If you don't want to be intimate with your husband you should leave him it isn't fair on him I've been on the other side of this and the rejection destroys you the marriage is clearly not working if you feel this way towards him the starting arguments is so wrong if this was a man posting this the replys would be different.

Is there trauma in your past that could be triggering this gut reaction to sex with him?

Sometimes historical abuse starts to affect us more after having children, but you might not recognise it as you think it didn't affect you before in the same way.

If so, it's probably worth exploring in therapy.

Or in your relationship, have there been incidents of coercion/sex you didn't want?

It sounds very claustrophobic to me for both of you. He works at home and has no life outside the home? You don’t work at all? What do you have to talk about, laugh about, build connection? As others have said, I would have a chat and take sex off the table. Instead, focus on you both and how to get some space from one another - absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that! It doesn’t have to be a long time but I think time apart leads to better connections and conversations. We both work full time out of the home, he goes to football one evening a week and I go to a gym class with a friend on a different evening. We both have hobbies and friendships and a life beyond each other. Not a lot of time apart but enough to spark interest, share anecdotes about our days, etc. When you feel more fulfilled and less trapped in general, this might extend to intimacy.

I think you need to book an appointment to see your GP and suggest that you go to couples counselling?

Im currently separating from my partner for being on the other side of this. It is so hard, but what I find unforgivable is the years for which he destroyed my self esteem and confidence. If he had perhaps owned that he had a problem and tried then I might be able to be friends with him going forwards, but I will never be able to forgive him for making me think that his problem was “our problem” or my fault.

for your partners sake, if you do want to save this going forwards you need to own this and be seen to WANT to attempt to find a solution (even if you don’t)

it might be you can’t stand sex and he comes to terms with that and accepts it, it might be that you decide to have an open relationship or go your separate ways or that you find something that you can enjoy or tolerate. It doesn’t really matter, but for his sake, if you want to remain in this positive and loving space you need to be seen by him to want to help

You say your husband 'hasn't done anything wring' yet you also say you became a SAHM 'at his insistence' - and this seems to have been to your detriment, and also it doesn't soind as though it would necessarily have been your preference at the time.

He sounds a bit 'old fashioned' - my Grandad was like this and ruined my Grandma's mental health. You sound trapped, cooped up and with no life. You might possibly be suffering depression - but even if not, you sound understandably fed up.

I agree with pps who are urging you to build you own life. Get out there, see friends, form warm relationships with hobbymates and workmates and get back your value as an individual.

And if you still can't face your dh, maybe some counseling to explore why that might be.

Just one other thing - have you ever wondered if you might be gay? I don't really know why I am suggesting it, as there are plenty of other good reasons you might be feeling the way you do, but being gay would also explain it!

@Warrensrabbit I totally agree about the impact on the self esteem of the other partner.

People get very “well you don’t owe anyone sex” etc and of course you don’t! But if you’ve entered an intimate relationship then had that intimacy removed, it’s obviously a massive blow to the self esteem and you’ll wonder what you’ve done wrong!

My ex and I were together 10 years and over the last 3-4 he would use sex and intimacy as a weapon, withdrawing completely and even saying things like “well it would turn me on more if you…XYZ” (usually XYZ involved removing parts of my personality he deemed unacceptable, not going out with friends, having threesomes with his sleazy friends he met online, etc). I now recognise this as coercion and abuse and have a fabulous and mutually beneficial sex life with my DH, but at the beginning of our relationship I was completely traumatised and had no self esteem at all around sex and intimacy. It very much does impact the other partner too.

This. You both need more dimensions to your lives.

That said it sounds like a friendship, not a marriage. Have you considered divorcing and amicably co-parenting?

@Nowhereelsetogo90 well done. Thank you for sharing this, it is so lovely to hear from people on the other side, particularly when they have found great fulfilling relationships on the other side.

Agree with all of this.

I think the big issue is him being at home all the time and dependent on you for his entire emotional life. Does he still expect you to fulfil the housewife role even though he's there? I think this is deeply selfish and entitled and I am not surprised your body is rebelling on cellular level. You're not his support human.

He needs to recognise that the change in your circumstances means he has to change, you both do, but I think he does first. Men get very emotionally lazy in marriages. It has made me come to think that the institution really is set up for them and you have to work very hard to make it viable long term for you.

I do think that children and marriage destroy romance over the long term. The lack of privacy, the prison that the roles become. A partnership is possible, but it's not easy to have that in a long marriage as it requires people to change.

Good luck OP. And one other thing. DO NOT have sex with someone if it makes you feel violated. It's awful, rapey, and will make you absolutely hate him.

I think there's a few parts to this, firstly, why do you feel like this? and secondly, do you want to change it?

Just some questions, no need to answer here but maybe food for thought?

Would you want to kiss/cuddle if it didn't lead to sex?
Do you find him attractive?
Are you in love with him?
What turns you off him?.

Do you have desire for masterbation?
Do you find other men/women attractive?
Do you feel happy with yourself? Your body?
Do you think he desires you?
Do you feel appreciated?
Have you fears re pregnancy?
Fears re rejection?

Did you ever enjoy sex or you you always have a low sex drive?
Can you remember when it first stopped?
Anything significant at that time?

Could you be menopausal?
Could you be depressed?
Have you completely fallen out of love with him?

Is it your head, your heart, your body or your hormones?

You probably know why....why really determines what you do next?

I don't think that this is all your fault @Snuggledandwarm , nor do I think that it is only you that can change. I do think there are things you can try, based on coming out of a few years of feeling similar myself.

Can you trial coming off the pill? I've been on short courses for period problems (flooding and never-ending periods) and found it has been enough to reset my cycle again.

I agree with talking to your DH to take sex out of the equation entirely. You're not having sex anyway, so it can't hurt to try it. You will then see if you feel like hugging, holding hands, snuggling (🤢don't know what other word to use) on the sofa, without the 'threat' of sex.

You sound like you have some sexual trauma, the freezing and being unable to talk about it. It could even be from this relationship. That is not to say that your DH has sexually abused you, it could be from pushing yourself into sex you didn't want. Could be birth and/or post birth trauma.

Notice if there is anything DH could do differently. Hygiene may be a big one; leaving you to clean his skid marks or handle particularly sweaty clothes as well as personal hygiene.

Does he respect your autonomy? I had to tell my DH to stop physically stopping me from carrying out tasks. Like I would be walking across a room to do something and he would get in my path for a hug. Another horrible one for me is turning non sexual contexts into something sexual. I'm at the sink cleaning and thinking about a family member's health problem or something and he would suddenly grab me from behind. The expected response is obviously simpering, fawning and being grateful for the attention, but it enraged me, which is not very sexy.

DH getting a vasectomy also helped a bit, I think. That was completely unexpected and something he wanted to do. I think I may have had some underlying pregnancy fears.