I don't want to be intimate & I can't change even though its destroying our marriage

[Snuggledandwarm]

Been with my husband a long time. Two preteens. He works from home since covid. I'm a housewife.

As in a lot of marriages, since having the kids the intimacy started to decrease. I coslept for 6 years. I also snore. So as we had a spare room, husband slept in there and still does. We haven't shared a bed for 11 years.

Day to day life & struggles, then the pandemic, then him going from working out of the house to working from home . I'm never alone. He's here all the time .he has no life outside of the house. I feel smothered by him. I'm on the pill and high blood pressure tablets. My libido I'd at zero.
Over time I stopped wanting to be intimate. It was a mixture of feeling insecure about myself as I'm overweight, and I've just never got much pleasure from being intimate. I would really try to do so, we would do it more often for a couple of weeks then it would stop again.
Then as time has gone on I also didn't want to kiss him, hug him or anything. I have no clue why. When he comes near me I tense up. I Start to get anxious and panicky & make excuses to leave the room. Or sometimes I can tell that I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.
I feel so guilty about this. What I don't understand is why dont i want to even kiss or hug him? i love him so much. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I'm hurting him being like this . We've talked about it and I know it's upsetting for him. Of course it is I don't know what to do. When I do try to overcome my feelings and kiss him etc it's almost traumatic for me.i feel violated.

He has done absolutely nothing wrong.hes a lovely husband and shouldn't have to put up with this. I don't even want to feel this way myself. Has anyone experienced this and ever got through it? I don't want to lose him

I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.

You sound quite toxic tbh.

I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.

You sound quite toxic tbh.

No. I think the OP has a genuine fear of intimacy. And there will be a reason for this that she does not understand.

As PP have mentioned, seek counselling to uncover why you feel this way. Life is too short for the two of you to remain unhappy.

Good luck!

You should get a job, I'm not sure why you're not working when you have pre-teens?

You are probably bored. Once your mind is active, you will probably feel that area of your life improves.

No. I think the OP has a genuine fear of intimacy.

I didn’t grasp that from the OP at all. She is well within her rights to not be intimate if it’s something she is struggling with. However, starting arguments and trying to make your husband feel as if he is the issue in an attempt to prevent intimacy seems extremely unfair.

Getting a job outside the house will make things easier for you dur ça lot if reasons.

But more importantly I think the best way forward is counselling. First fury ourself to understand better where that ‘repulsion’ is coming from.
Then maybe as a couple depending on what you will find.

I noticed you mention that you’ve never got any real pleasure from sex.
Thats a biggy. Maybe your DH is actually absolutely crap at it, too selfish etc… maybe you don’t know yourself what turns you on. Maybe there are other issues going on there p. I think you need clarity because who wants to have sex when they don’t enjoy it?

Well yes and no. It depends on how much pressure her DH puts on her if she is always feeling in the edge when they are at home together.

In this case, it’s clearly a protection mechanism.

The issue is what from.

Im not sure how to say this politely but: is he any good in bed? ie does he make you orgasm?

A lot of men are very selfish in bed and just please themselves which understandably makes the woman go off it.

Agree with pps who say coming off the pill often improves the libido for the better.

Also, a significant part of sexual desire arises out of you yourself feeling powerful and attractive as a person and is often more about that than the other person.

"I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.

You sound quite toxic tbh"

Op, I agree with this. It is certainly very unhealthy and ypur husband shouldn't be blamed.

You mention your husband is lovely. I would encourage you to see how toxic it is for him. Walking on eggshells unsure what your partners mood will be. I get that you have your reasons but you need to get motivated to resolve it.

If a woman posted her husband was behaving like this - no job, won't have sex, makes them sleep in another room,starts fights they would be advised to leave and not put up with an abusive partner.

If you care for your husband take ownership and responsibility for making the situation change.
A sex therapist or counsellor is probadly the best first step...can you take that step?

OP it sounds like there is a lot to unpick and explore here; you love (and like) your husband and don't want to leave him, but you can't cope with sexual contact with him although you still have solo sexual needs. Please see a therapist to try to help you figure out where your deeper issues lie and what will help your fear and stress around intimacy.

I don't wish to be mean but you have stated you will be nice to him today when you're getting the type of attention you want from him but awful once home and there's a chance he might want intimacy - this is extremely toxic for your DH and you have made it clear there is nothing he can do to help.

If you're worried about your weight that's something you can do something about (and I say this as an overweight person!), go to the gym or just a walk while he works and batch cook some healthy meals, you've not implied anything that suggest you're days are taken up by anything other than avoiding him.

Thirdly, you need to tell him straight. You want sex only once a year and there is no point him even trying but if he keeps sex off the cards you can work at the kisses and cuddling. Other suggestion is you give him more regular hand jobs, that's less intimate and effort for you.

Let him decide if he wants to stay with you on that basis.

If you can't stand kissing him or hugging him once sex is off the card, I put it to you that you're not in love with him, he's your friend and you enjoy co-parenting and having someone to do things with and fear that noone else will want you because you're overweight. This is not fair on him. We have just one life, don't tie him to someone who will never give him what he wants.

Or give him the option of a mistress, you're not bothered about sex but he clearly is. It shouldn't be too much of a big deal to you to think of him being with other people since he is never allowed to touch you anyway.

I think there are very good suggestions from pp here. I think looking into getting back into some type of employment would be beneficial, it will get you out the house and give you the opportunity to meet new people. If you are unhappy with your weight maybe you could look for some exercises to kick start your metabolism, or go swimming, find something you enjoy that will burn calories. It’s incredibly hard to feel sexy if you are self conscious about how you look. You have spoken to your DH, can you agree on a plan . Maybe Friday nights you could get takeout , so your evening will be easier and you will feel more relaxed, or even get a babysitter and organise a date night.
Its very hard to be in a situation where you feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, it’s just as hard to be in the situation where you want to have sex with your spouse, but they don’t want to, or do it begrudgingly, the feeling of rejection is soul destroying . In all honesty, rightly or wrongly , this is the type of situation that leads to people looking outside the marriage, for sex as well as that emotional connection that comes with it. If you want to fix things now is the time to be pulling all the stops out

I thinl if you two get along so well in every other aspect except Sex, you should open your marriage.

DH has already been so so understanding of your behaviour and unwillingness to seek help. That way he can get physical affection from someone that appreciates him, while you to still maintain your friendship.

@Snuggledandwarm this could have been me talking 6 months ago- i felt exactly the same and had distanced myself in the relationship so that neither of us could properly talk - we got on well on a superficial day to day basis but I couldn't let it get closer in case he thought it would lead anywhere.
Then I discovered on his phone the beginnings of am emotional affair which was headed to the real thing. Whilst I take no responsibility for his actions I do take responsibility for my part in the state of our relationship. He was genuinely devasted at me being devasted as he thought i wouldnt care. Prior to it happening in reality I'm not sure I realised I would care.
anyway- leading on from an affair comes the 'hysterical bonding' reaction which took me completely by surprise. Its all lead by hormones and emotions but my god did i want him!!
im someone that reads and researches and was aware this is a 'normal' reaction to an affair but what it did for me was made me wake up and realise that I'm not dead from the neck down and do enjoy intimacy. As we have been working through things I've learnt that I need to choose to enjoy sex - I've no idea why - maybe just kids/ stress/ life got in the way but I literally chose not to before.
I've written an essay! And I'm not sure what my advice is but your feeling struck a chord with me and i wouldnt want anyone to go through the pain i did in order to make the relationship better - we're not there with trust - maybe never will be - but we are both committed.

I wish I had sought some sort of therapy - maybe sex therapy years ago but it wouldn't of occurred to me. Maybe that's the answer to 'unlock' things

This situation is completely unfair to your DH. You never need to have sex if you are unwilling but he is also not obliged to stay in essentially a dead marriage.

Imagine if he was writing a relationships post here. His DW always sleeps separately. Never wants to be intimate or even affectionate - stiffening up at even a kiss. Doesn't work. Overweight to the point of heavy snoring and negative self-esteem but not making an effort to change. Picks fights out of nowhere with no provocation.

He would be told to LTB.

You need to work on yourself and that is necessary for any improvements to be made to your marriage.

1. Get a job or at minimum a regular voluntary role outside the home. Time apart and something for you to feel valuable outside of your role as wife and mum.
2. Overhaul your eating habits and exercise. This will have the dual benefit of improving your mental health and the resultant weightless will improve your snoring, sleep and self-esteem.
3. Make a conscious effort to act within the home as you would without towards him. No more picking arguments and being cruel to him.

Once you have done those two things, it's likely the rest will follow. If it doesn't, you can go to couples counselling. It may be that you have grown out of this relationship but you won't know that until you have sorted your own issues out.

I’m with @LavenderfortheBees

You don’t seem to care how awful this must be for him.

I agree with pp who says that you sometimes have to make a choice to enjoy sex in a long term relationship and then enjoyment follows but op said she feels almost violated when she has had sex with her DH so clearly there is something more going on there. OP can you seek out a licensed psychologist who specialises in marriage and sexual relationships?

What does he think of this

I completely take ownership. That's why I wrote this post in the first place. I know this must be horrible for him. And I feel absolutely terrible about it and guilty. I agree with everything that has been written in response to me.

Regarding counselling, yes that needs to happen but there is no way my husband would do that .he's an extremely private man and there is no way he would speak to a stranger about his sex life. I could maybe give it a try Tho.

I don't work at his insistence. It's always been to make his life easier that he didn't have to take on any childcare role whilst climbing the career ladder. I would love to have a job and I am looking for one at the moment now our kids are getting older.

Me starting an argument is toxic yes. Totally admit that. Sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it until afterwards.

@purpledalmation he is obviously hurt /puzzled/upset about it. I've explained to him that I don't fully understand why I feel this way. It's just happened after we had kids. I think we are just together far too much, almost 24/7. Don't really have much to talk about etc . The passion is missing

That's so sad.

I'm kind of on the other side of this. Different situation but similar lack of intimacy. My partner no longer shows affection and we haven't had sex since I conceived (baby due imminently). I know he loves me and our family but for various reasons he's struggled for the past couple of years.

I have to walk away later this year despite having a beautiful little family together. I cannot take the soul crushing sadness of how ongoing rejection feels. It's destroying my self esteem; I cry most days.

If you love your husband, try to find a way back to him.

You need to be properly honest with him, he needs to have the choice of if he can live with this or not. I think counselling on your own may help even if he doesn't want to do it. Did you ever feel desire for him?

Yes for the first 10 years the desire was there. When we had kids it just disappeared for me.

I know the only answer is to split up. We have both talked about it at length. But neither of us want to split up because we like our lives together, we do enjoy each others company. We don't want to be apart from our children. But obviously this issue is constantly eating away at us. I'm the one that needs to change. But it's not going to come naturally. Meaning that I need to put an act on and fake it. Surely that's just as bad.

He is your brother now.

It never takes long for someone to try and blame the poor husband, does it, even when a poster has made really clear that she’s the one at fault.