I don't want to be intimate & I can't change even though its destroying our marriage

[Snuggledandwarm]

Been with my husband a long time. Two preteens. He works from home since covid. I'm a housewife.

As in a lot of marriages, since having the kids the intimacy started to decrease. I coslept for 6 years. I also snore. So as we had a spare room, husband slept in there and still does. We haven't shared a bed for 11 years.

Day to day life & struggles, then the pandemic, then him going from working out of the house to working from home . I'm never alone. He's here all the time .he has no life outside of the house. I feel smothered by him. I'm on the pill and high blood pressure tablets. My libido I'd at zero.
Over time I stopped wanting to be intimate. It was a mixture of feeling insecure about myself as I'm overweight, and I've just never got much pleasure from being intimate. I would really try to do so, we would do it more often for a couple of weeks then it would stop again.
Then as time has gone on I also didn't want to kiss him, hug him or anything. I have no clue why. When he comes near me I tense up. I Start to get anxious and panicky & make excuses to leave the room. Or sometimes I can tell that I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me.
I feel so guilty about this. What I don't understand is why dont i want to even kiss or hug him? i love him so much. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I'm hurting him being like this . We've talked about it and I know it's upsetting for him. Of course it is I don't know what to do. When I do try to overcome my feelings and kiss him etc it's almost traumatic for me.i feel violated.

He has done absolutely nothing wrong.hes a lovely husband and shouldn't have to put up with this. I don't even want to feel this way myself. Has anyone experienced this and ever got through it? I don't want to lose him

What is not good for heath? Snoring?

You have sexual urges because you masturbate so my guess is you just don't fancy him any more. There's no romantic feeling for you.

It's not wrong. It happens.

I'd suggest a few possibilities

1. Force yourself to have sex every month. Once a month without fail. It will be horrible for you but its only 12 times a year

Or

1. Tell your husband you never want to have sex with him again but want to stay married to him

Or

1. Tell your husband you never want to have sex with him again and suggest an open marriage.... he can have sex with other women

Or

4 Split up

Or

1. Have some psycho sexual counselling. I don't think this will help because imo you have dropped into friend territory with your husb

Again if you are perimenopausal get on HRT. If not then ask to be referred for psychosexual counselling. This is not just an issue for you. It is probably making him feel shut as well . If you love him then address the issue by taking action

I think forcing yourself to have sex with him has been extremely damaging.

I did skim read, but has anyone mentioned Esther Perel yet?

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship/no-comments

You are still sexually active, you just don't want it with your husband, which suggests a relationship problem.

Esther Perel says it is hard to desire someone when there is no mystery, no separation; when your partner is there constantly there is nothing much to desire. It seems very commonsense.

Getting a job for yourself, getting dressed up to go to work, being treated as a colleague rather than someone who does all the domestic chores and developing a life of your own, and then seeing your partner as someone with a life of his own, might do wonders for your libido.

Maybe you need to consider an open marriage? It is very unfair when one person in a marriage decides they don’t want to have sex anymore. It’s clear you don’t fancy him and he gives you the ick. You can love someone and not in a romantic sense. If he’s content to live like that I guess it’s his prerogative. The pill won’t be helping at all. Id speak to your GP and maybe a therapist and if no change then perhaps time to think about ending things. It’s going to eventually end anyway like this.

I can’t imagine how it feels to think my partner can’t bear me to kiss them and that the thought of them having sex with me repulses them, so much so they will start an argument so they don’t try it on for a few days. That’s actually cruel. You need to leave him and let him find someone who loves him in the right way, and desires him as you don’t anymore

You don't like him let alone love him and you're only staying with him for the lifestyle that he provides.

Get a job and split up with him. He deserves better than you.

Is that not a decision HE should make?
Is it not up to him to decide whether his marriage is worth it or not?

People stay in marriage Wo love for many reasons. He might value other things that the OP is bringing to the table over ‘love’ (which he might or might not find if he was single again btw).

I dint think it’s a decision the OP should make fir him.
She decides what works for her. He decides what works fir him.
Neither if then should decide what is best for the other.

Plus he is an independent man. I’m sure he can make decisions and he certainly doesn’t need to be ‘freed’ from the OP.
She isn’t locking him up in the house Wo any way to ‘escape’ and terminate the marriage. He has the ability to say enough. And the power to say ‘i want to stay and make it work’.

Does he pressurise you? If neither of you want to split up, take sex out of the equation and see how you both feel in a few months time.

OP doesn’t want to make it work though, she said he repulses her. Is he aware of this? It could well affect his decision . If he isn’t aware she never wants to have sex or intimacy again and she finds him repellent, then yes that’s his own business and his choice should be respected. However if this is not the case he is not making a choice based on the reality of the situation which is deceitful and manipulative.

Apologies , I meant if he IS aware of this then it’s his decision.

There is a massive middle ground between pestering for sex and being at peace. It's the bit where a man doesn't pester for sex as he knows you don't want it and he doesn't want to upset you but he is far from at peace with it. He is dying inside from the lack of intimacy.

So what about once a month? I think the problem would be that you and he will build that one day a month into something monumental. He is desperate anticipation and you in dread. The more excited he becomes the more icked you will be.
Therapist for sure. Hormones are MASSIVELY involved. Peri menopause killed my libido. Now on HRT and testosterone and yay! All back. But then I loved sex before. If you never did then a therapist is a good idea to find out why you never did.

Oh dear god. Everyone is toxic according to some people on mumsnet.

Oh come on, that example is certainly of a toxic behaviour - deliberately starting a fight to avoid intimacy is SO unhealthy!

So if you never particularly enjoyed being intimate with him, why get married and have DC or are you rewriting history on that because of how you feel now?
This is clearly an issue you have, so why not go for individual counselling. There may be some other changes you can make about your lifestyle meantime, such as leading a healthier life, being more active and losing some weight - maybe try marena coil for periods (more direct, so lower hormone dose required). Then maybe your snoring will resolve as its often a side-effect of being overweight.

I'm not saying all these steps will magically bring your libido back, but it will at least show your DH that you are willing to take steps to do something about it which he may appreciate enough to hang in there longer. Also while exercising out of the house, it is time apart which sorts your 'under your feet all the time' problem.
These are obvious steps to take, it's only going to be you holding you back on it if you don't implement change. None of it focuses on sex, which is what you have been doing and gets you nowhere.

sometimes I can tell that I'm trying to start an argument with him so that he won't like me for a few days and won't try anything with me

This is completely unacceptable, abusive behaviour IMO, and needs to stop immediately.

As others have said go back into work and sex therapy for you may help, but if that fails to make a difference I don’t really see how the current situation will work long term.

Both of you burying your heads in the sand can only last for so long.

I agree. This whole situation is very unfair ok your husband.

Let him go

True, but in tis case it does sound pretty bad...

He doesnt need to be let go. Like anyone else in a relationship, he can decide for himself what sort if life he wants.
No one, incl the OP - his dwife- should take those decisions for him. That would be controling at the very least. And might well not the right decision FOR HIM.

On MN there seems to be this idea that there is something broken if middle age gives into a sexless marriage, and yet in real life I know numerous loving, inseparable couples who have little or no sex and yet are still going on their journey through life happy together. I wish people were more empathetic about the changes that menopause brings and more supportive of the idea that sex isn’t always the be all and end all for many, many devoted couples.

You say your H wouldn’t go for counselling but why haven’t you explored solo counselling? I think you are deeply unhappy and this is how it manifests. It’s time to prioritise yourself and find out how you got to where you are.

Time to let him go. He's only living half a life with you.